Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men that won't / can't cook

135 replies

Bennifer · 07/03/2012 15:07

Am I unreasonable to think it?s a little strange that there are men who either can?t or won?t cook, and also that they are supported in this by their partners.

I have to admit to having a personal angle on this. As far as I know, my 33 year old brother has never cooked a meal in his life. He lived at home until he was 21, and then moved out with his partner. In the past when I?ve asked him about it, he has jokingly said that when he has picked up a knife to chop an onion, his partner has taken it off him.

I can see the logic to this if one partner is a SAHP, for example, but neither of them is. His partner works long hours, and weekends, so rather than him cooking the meal when he gets home, he waits until his partner gets home. This can mean that they don?t eat as healthily as perhaps they could, because when you get in at 7 or 8, with no food, it?s tempting to get something quick and easy.

Is this a little strange, or am I unreasonable? I know it?s none of my business really.

OP posts:
cory · 07/03/2012 20:31

I don't find it particularly strange that there are individuals who can't cook. I do find it strange when some individuals are not expected to cook because they have a willy.

Though the only person in our family who absolutely cannot cook is my MIL. Attributed to having been an evacuee in America during her formative years. Fortunately FIL did know how to cook.

WibblyBibble · 07/03/2012 20:36

I can't cook. check for penis. My 'boyfriend' (not partner) also will not let me cook because he knows this. I genuinely believe this is better for all concerned. I mean, I can cook pancakes if that counts for points, but not anything with meat in it properly. You've now caused me to have a gender identity crisis thanks a fucking lot, I'll just be crying behind my overused microwave.

Original poster
Bennifer · 07/03/2012 20:40

I appreciate you were being sarcastic, but the point of this thread was not to argue that there's something on the Y chromosome that means they can't cook, but rather, there seems to be a lot of men (as evidenced from my experience in life, and in this thread) that for some reason say they can't cook, and I think that's pretty poor.

I appreciate it makes a lot of sense in some cases for one partner to do most of the cooking, or that there are some people who enjoy cooking to the extent that they love it so much they wouldn't want anyone to take the pleasure away from them.

I'm just of the opinion that it should be a basic life skill that everyone should have at at least a basic level.

OP posts:
mrscoleridge · 07/03/2012 20:42

My BF can't cook, in fact has not cooked a meal for me in three years. TBH as a single parent it would be lovely to have something made for me and I also don't buy the whole 'can't' malarkey its more a case of 'won't' imo. Even my kids can make lasagne or whip up a cake and I would also have expected a son to do the same (i have 2 dds)

noblegiraffe · 07/03/2012 20:44

Depends on what you mean by a 'basic level'. I'd classify beans on toast or pasta with a jar of sauce a basic level, but other people seem to think that knocking up a white sauce (no idea, never needed to) is a basic level.

noblegiraffe · 07/03/2012 20:45

Why do people always seem to bring up making lasagne as something easy? I wouldn't have the faintest idea how to start.

Do you know what is easy? Buying a lasagne.

blackoutthesun · 07/03/2012 20:50

well i'm one of those who can't/won't cook haven't starved yet Grin

i'm also a sahm Shock

SecretNutellaFix · 07/03/2012 21:12

Mine can boil a soft egg perfectly and do toast.

Apart from that he has no inclination to cook- if he lived alone he would live on takeaways and sandwiches.

LeQueen · 07/03/2012 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrGin · 08/03/2012 08:34

Bennifer

I think things are very different from, say , our parents or grandparents generation. If ever I finished with a cup / plate my mum would say ' oh leave that MiniGin I'll wash it up'. And even when she went from SAHM to working mum she still did all the cooking and washing up. It was only after I'd left home and would wash up whenever visiting that my dad ( who is a disastrous cook ) came to admit that he should at least be washing up after every meal.

My personal experience is that most, if not all of my male friends, including myself, can cook reasonably well. Possibly to do with levels of education. Some are very good good at cooking, the Italians I know excel . And those in relationships can and do share the cooking where work / time allows . Is that the norm the days , I don't know ?

Obviously my or your personal experience doesn't give a picture of the nation. And I can't be arsed to spend all morning on Google looking for statistics but I suspect the idea that cooking is a 'woman's job' is long gone especially with the plethora of male TV chefs these days.

If there is a pressing national cooking related problem, I don't think it's so much to do with men not pulling their weight in the kitchen ( doubtless many don't ) , it's more to do with the amount of people these days, men and women, who have no idea about cooking beyond a jar of 'stir and go' and a microwave.

I can cook pretty well for a number of reasons. My mum was a good cook so I picked up lots from her, my male friends at college ( funnily enough more so that the women ) were very into food so I also learned from them, and I also like food a lot which is a big motivator.

Jenniferturkington · 08/03/2012 08:48

lequeen that's just ridiculous. What if, god forbid, you had to be in hospital for 3 weeks, what would your dh do about providing food for your dc? Take them out every night? Feed them takeaway? Or my guess, rely on a willing friend or relative?

I'm in total agreement with the OP, no grown up with responsibility for others, should be in a situation where they've 'never cooked a proper meal in their life'.

cory · 08/03/2012 08:59

I feel like Jennifer about this: I would like to know that in the case of illness either parent could stand in for the other.

Morloth · 08/03/2012 09:12

I cook here, it is my kitchen, everything is designed about what suits me.

DH can knock up a decent meal if pressed, but I enjoy cooking, it calms me.

He does however clean the kitchen when I am done with it.

He also does the BBQ (at least once a week) and makes the best tea I have ever had.

We have a happy equilibrium.

Foodie22 · 24/04/2012 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Anypointinseeingdoc · 24/04/2012 15:31

I think there are so many men who can't/won't cook because it is tolerated. I used to not cook, due to lack of confidence, rather than inability, and people were invariably horrified by this. I was listening to a man the other day telling us all he could only manage ready meals and everybody just nodded and didn't take issue with it, like it was all a huge joke. But I know from my own experience that had he been a woman everybody would have been horrified and would have berated him.

I cook all the time now btw, and I find I enjoy it.

Anypointinseeingdoc · 24/04/2012 15:32

Oh damn, I should have checked the date before I replied. Sorry!

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 15:34

My oh works 13 hour shifts he can cook but I would not Expect him to.

His go to dish is chilli for the kids when I am not feeling well I do think women expect to much form men these days by in large ots men are still the breadwinners ou want them to pay a mortage and cook

noinspiration · 24/04/2012 16:27

My sister can't or won't cook. My DH can't or won't cook.

My BIL and I both can and do.

DuelingFanjo · 24/04/2012 16:30

I think it is utterly bizzare. A friend of mine's husband told her that if he learned to cook then he wouldn't need her anymore!

I think men who refuse to help feed their families by actually making some food sometimes are just plain awful.

exoticfruits · 24/04/2012 16:33

I would force them to do it. You are enabling them by letting them get away with it. A good reason to start all DCs young they can help from toddlers.

minimisschief · 24/04/2012 16:36

i know lots of women that dont/cant cook...

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/04/2012 16:39

What worries me isn't so much people who can't cook, as people who've never learned what they need to eat to stay healthy. My dad would not know this - he thinks it's fine that he can manage beans on toast (with difficulty), fried eggs, or bread and cheese. But if (god forbid) she died before him, he would be in real trouble as he doesn't really know how to plan healthy meals or how to keep a fridge and kitchen hygenic.

I think at that level, it is a real worry, and it does seem plain stupid to me to justify this by saying it's just individual choice.

I think not being able to cook very varied/sophisticated meals is irritating (very much in the same way that, to me, someone who won't read books is irritating). But it's not the end of the world.

squoosh · 24/04/2012 16:43

YANBU

I'm always surprised (silly me) at the amount of men who do not cook. Ever. It's amazing how women I know who share their husband/partners disinterest in cooking and still automatically assume the role of family cook.

And I don't think it equates to fixing cars or fiddling with fuse boxes. Cooking is a daily event, the joy/burden of which should be evenly distributed. Joyfully accepted or not. :)

exoticfruits · 24/04/2012 16:44

Everyone male or female should be able to cook- it is an essential life skill like swimming. Those who don't/won't should get out and do it. I won't say can't because you can get a simple recipe book from the library or find online.

scarletforya · 24/04/2012 16:56

I don't really cook. I can do basics but I don't know any recipes or have any interest in the process of cooking. My Mother was the same and I guess I picked up the message that being 'domesticated' was 'unfeminist' somehow.

I don't believe that now yet still somehow I've just no interest in cooking. I find it boring when people talk about making something like it's a big achievement. To me it's just mind numbing, dull work.

I can't seem to muster up the will to care enough about food to want to partake in its manufacture!