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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

over dh calling me fat?

92 replies

doublechocchip · 05/03/2012 21:07

Sitting at home the other evening and I was chatting to my dh relaying some comments my dad had made about a cousin of mine who is overweight (wasn't agreeing or disagreeing just telling dh as part of a story) then dh chipped in with "I don't know what he's on about he's fat himself and he has a fat son in law (meaning him) and a fat daughter". I was taken aback by this, I asked him whether he thought I was fat and he replied "well you;re not slim are you".

I told him that his comment really hurt and I went to bed but I just can't get it out of my mind now.

dh joined slimming world in january and has become quite evangelical about food/dieting and is doing really well but gives me these looks when Im eating a treat etc. The worst of it is as well is that his comment wasn't said in anger but matter of fact so I know that is exactly how he thinks.

I lost almost 3 stone for my wedding last year and some has crept back on over christmas and not being as rigid as I was but I don't mind the way I look at the moment and am quite a confident person this has just knocked me a bit. Currently I am a size 14. What do I do now? should I just let it go or aibu letting it bother me so much?

OP posts:
Seabright · 05/03/2012 21:54

Loosing three stone is brilliant. How do you feel about your size and shape at the mo? He was tactless, but do you thnk he's right?

LentillyFart · 05/03/2012 21:58

I'd have given him the extra chocolately with choc chips and choc sprinkles big fat middle finger tbh but you may want to handle things differently Grin
Size 14 is not fat and you did exceedingly well to lose 3 stone so if that were my DH saying that when I'd done what you did he'd have been fucking off along with the horse he rode in on.

MyLittleMiracle · 05/03/2012 21:59

Sod what everyone else thinks. If someone is going to love you or ant to be around you, they are going to love you for WHO YOU ARE, and to be bluntly honest anyone who doesnt love you for you is an arse a nd not worth wasting your feelings over........

It does hurt like hell though, my ex used to do it to me all the time along with the crap mother etc.......If you want to lose weight the fair enough go ahead, i will back you all the way but YOU have to do it for YOU and no one else.

EllenParsons · 05/03/2012 21:59

YANBU for being upset by it. I would and I think most people would be!

Flisspaps · 05/03/2012 22:02

Size 14 is not fat (unless you're very, very short)

Your DH is being an arse. Even if you are overweight, it shouldn't be an issue unless it is causing you health problems.

thisisyesterday · 05/03/2012 22:03

yanbu at all!

last night DP told me I am overweight (am, like you, a size 14 an 5'8) and it really hurt my feelings

he reckons that we should be able to be honest with each other and it's my fault if i take it personally Hmm

wankers the pair of them

Proudnscary · 05/03/2012 22:04

I've been fat, thin and middling in the 17 years I've been with dh.

He has never, ever made me feel anything less than gorgeous and desirable and would never say such a carelessly (or intentionally?) hurtful thing.

YANBU

maybenow · 05/03/2012 22:05

whether or not you are fat at a size 14 depends on your height. i am a size 14 and i am short so would describe myself as 'overweight' or 'a bit fat' but probably not as blunt as 'fat'.
my DH is also a bit overweight. both of us are about a stone more than we'd like and a couple of stone more than 'ideal'.

yanbu to be upset but it sounds like your dh has come to terms with believing himself to be 'fat' and is changing... how you feel is up to you.. in some ways.. but BMI is more of an objective (though not perfect) measure. are you overweight?

gomez · 05/03/2012 22:05

I am a size 14. I am fat. My DH loves me. He can say I am fat - which is factually correct - without me thinking he doesn't love me. They are not necessarily connected.

My DH has never however said I am fat; but in the context you are describing I wouldn't have a tantrum if he did. Because I am fat.

If he called me 'a fat [chose your expletive] I would be well fucked off however.

troisgarcons · 05/03/2012 22:05

dh chipped in with "I don't know what he's on about he's fat himself and he has a fat son in law (meaning him) and a fat daughter

So your DH called himself 'fat' and you have taken umbridge because he included you in this? Is he right though? is he (DH) 'fat'? is it a self councious thing for him?

ivykaty44 · 05/03/2012 22:09

did he say this in the same way he would state your hair colour? As the way you describe the conversation is the way I see him saying it.

As in your hair colour my hair colour

Would you feel the same if he said

I am thin, you are thin and your dad is thin

Was it said offensively r was it said as this is how thing are?

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/03/2012 22:09

YANBU to be upset.

But to be fair to your DH, it doesn't sound like he was actually trying to make an issue of it, more like it slipped out in response to your dad's comment about your cousin. And then was too obtuse to try and dig himself out of the hole he had made for himself.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/03/2012 22:10

Meant to add, leave the bastard. Grin

weekendworrier · 05/03/2012 22:11

Well you did ask him. Is he normally known for his discretion and tact, I would hazard a guess-not.

Well done on the 3 stone weight loss before xmas, I wonder if he is a bit jealous of this. You must have really inspired him at the time, for him to be so enthusiastic about his own weight loss now.

DamnBamboo · 05/03/2012 22:13

OP, are you fat?

Did he mean it as an insult?

If yes to former and no to latter, then YABU.

If you aren't at all fat and he was just being nasty, then leave the bastard.

Size is no indication of fatness.

Original poster
doublechocchip · 05/03/2012 22:14

I am 5,6 and a size 14 so I would say am overweight and not perfect but am pretty happy in how I look at the moment.

I just feel hurt as I would never and have never called dh fat depsite him being morbidly obese when he started dieting.

He didn't lose weight at all for our wedding which he says he regrets now looking at the photos but I never once asked him to lose any or made any type of comments regarding his size, am a bit sad that he feels he can say things like this to me when he's been dieing for 6 weeks when I worked hard for 8 months and never insulted him.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 05/03/2012 22:17

You can only let it go if it's not really bothering you. It is so talk to him. Sounds like he was including you in his surprise at your Dad, more than he was criticising you.

You can be fat and a size 14 - it's more about how much you weigh in relation to your height. I am fat and call myself fat. I have no issue with being described as fat unless it's 'oi you fat caaaahhh' or similar.

It is good he is at slimming world but noone needs to be preached at!

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/03/2012 22:17

Fat is an emotive word for some people, op. For others, it's just a statement of fact. Perhaps he didn't realise you would be upset?

solidgoldbrass · 05/03/2012 22:18

If he's currently dieting he's going to be obsessed fatness and who's fat and who isn't and who is fatter than him etc, etc. Is he usually nice? Is he usually tactless? It doesn;t sound as though the intention was to upset you.

JasperJohns · 05/03/2012 22:23

I think in the context, it's not so bad.

He was just stating fact about (his opinion of) both of you.

I do think some people are very sensitive about the word 'fat' - it's probably not such a big deal to him?

DamnBamboo · 05/03/2012 22:23

Agree with honey

You could call my DH fat (if he gets the belly he sometimes does) and he'd laugh and say, yes I am fat.

He will often say, I'm getting fat!

Men don't hate the word as much as women and are nowhere near as insulted by it.

fuzzpig · 05/03/2012 22:25

Can't speak for the OP as I've not met her but thisisyesterday there is no way you are overweight! Shock

OP he sounds annoyingly preachy. I've seen that a lot on MN - men (presumably women can get like this too but the examples I've read are men) doing well with their own weight loss and then trying to control their partner's weight too. Your DH could have just been joking around but only you can know that.

DamnBamboo · 05/03/2012 22:30

Fuzzpig how can you say that about thisis?

Do you know her weight?

I am busting out my size 12's (should really wear 14s but am in denial and won't spend the money and am now actively trying to lose weight) and I have just slipped into the overweight category.

I am 5'8

MySunshineInGreySkies · 05/03/2012 22:33

He's just started dieting, he's in that frame of mind. I'm sure he didn't mean it bow it sounded. Any people become "fatist" when they start trying I lose weight. Please don't be upset, just talk to him.

fuzzpig · 05/03/2012 22:35

Sorry I thought it was clear from the post that while I haven't me OP (and so can't comment if she's overweight or not) I have met TIY. Sorry Blush

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