Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

over dh calling me fat?

92 replies

doublechocchip · 05/03/2012 21:07

Sitting at home the other evening and I was chatting to my dh relaying some comments my dad had made about a cousin of mine who is overweight (wasn't agreeing or disagreeing just telling dh as part of a story) then dh chipped in with "I don't know what he's on about he's fat himself and he has a fat son in law (meaning him) and a fat daughter". I was taken aback by this, I asked him whether he thought I was fat and he replied "well you;re not slim are you".

I told him that his comment really hurt and I went to bed but I just can't get it out of my mind now.

dh joined slimming world in january and has become quite evangelical about food/dieting and is doing really well but gives me these looks when Im eating a treat etc. The worst of it is as well is that his comment wasn't said in anger but matter of fact so I know that is exactly how he thinks.

I lost almost 3 stone for my wedding last year and some has crept back on over christmas and not being as rigid as I was but I don't mind the way I look at the moment and am quite a confident person this has just knocked me a bit. Currently I am a size 14. What do I do now? should I just let it go or aibu letting it bother me so much?

OP posts:

TerrorNova · 07/03/2012 09:26

Spiritedwolf It's all about self esteem, isn't it? Adele looks gorgeous and glam and she's definitely a bit on the fat side.

imnotmymum · 07/03/2012 09:28

punch him !!

TerrorNova · 07/03/2012 09:29

BTW, I have issues on people naming Christina Hendrick or Jennifer Lopez as models for heavier women. They are as abnormal as the very slim ones like Kate Moss. I personally don't know many women in real life that have such curveous bodies with tiny waists.

imnotmymum · 07/03/2012 09:41

Do you know I am a size 14 and do not think I am fat am I deluding myself !!

fallenpetal · 07/03/2012 09:52

Hmmm I would tell him how rude he came across - which ever way I say that in my head it just sounds plain arrogant and nasty. As in Im fat and to make myself feel better you are too so there. Like a defense mechanism for how he deals with his own self image (I have a "friend" who thinks Im like 2 sizes bigger than her, we were trying on the same size clothes the other day she was truly shocked as she has always gone on about how she could borrow my clothes if I were smaller....I just actually wear the size that fits rather than squeeze lumps and bump into smaller clothes)

Dont let it fester, he should be proud of you for loosing the weight in the first place. He probably didnt think before he spoke as he was indignant at the conversation, but dont let it slide. He needs to understand you're self conscious.

Ephiny · 07/03/2012 10:24

It was rude and insensitive of him to make such a comment, and I'm not surprised you felt a bit hurt. But putting that aside, maybe consider whether there's some truth in what he said. If you are still overweight (and at a size 14 there's a good chance you are, unless you're very tall), it might be worth thinking whether you want to do something about it. You admit yourself that you've let things slide a bit when it comes to diet recently...

Fluffy1234 · 07/03/2012 10:52

My husband made a fat comment last year and at the time I really hated his guts. I think it hurt so much because it was true. He actually did me a favour and it was what I needed to lose weight and go from 13 and a half stone to 9 stone.
You are not being unreasonable to be hurt it was a horrible thing to say. You have to work out if you want to lose a bit of weight. You obviously know how to as you did so well with losing weight for your wedding. I wished I had got to grip with my eating instead of allowing more and more weight to go on. It is so much easier if you are only trying to lose a bit of weight. I am a size 10 now and absolutely love wearing beautiful clothes instead of my size 16 tunics I lived in before.
The hurt will fade.

imnotmymum · 07/03/2012 10:55

So if you are a size 16 you just wear tunics and not beautiful clothes oh my days!
and Ephiny to think a size 14 is overweight is madness my bottom is a definite 14 and is curvy not overweight -granted i have a flattish stomach and a small waist in comparison but seriously loads of my friends are a 14 and are not over weight

Fluffy1234 · 07/03/2012 11:01

I said I wore tunics because I was a size 16, weighed 13 and half stone and was obese and looked and felt like shit.
My post is not about what other people wear or don't wear imnotmymum.

Ephiny · 07/03/2012 11:09

I didn't say anyone who wears a 14 must definitely be overweight, obviously it depends on your height and body shape (and to some extent on where you buy your clothes!) But the average woman wearing a high-street 14 is, well, probably 'not slim'!

But it's very easy to delude ourselves about these things, all I'm suggesting is that the OP is honest with herself and considers whether her DH, despite his lack of tact, might have a bit of a point.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/03/2012 11:19

I'm with the other posters who say that he just doesn't attach any emotional weight to the word "fat".

My DH told me that I was fat and needed to lose weight (this is completely true my BMI is in the high 30's) and I was upset. When I asked him if he would say the same to his friends he said "Of course, we all do, its the truth".
For him, its not a comment on my worth as a person its just a statement of fact.

imnotmymum · 07/03/2012 11:23

I am just pointing out that maybe we should celebrate curves and if at a 14 you're not slim does it matter and losing a few pounds should not make our life complete. I was just interested in the "beautiful" bit that's all and wondering why at a size 16 [which in my opinion not huge] you did not wear "beautiful" clothes.

StepfordWannabe · 07/03/2012 11:25

size 14 is overweight - no two ways about it (unless you are very very tall with a correspondingly bigger frame than a shorter person). It may be the average size or even smaller than average, but that just means most people are overweight. Our perspective has become skewed by seeing so many overweight people around these days that we think it is the normal.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2012 11:28

imnotmymum I think you're bringing your own issues to this thread

If she didn't wear 'beautiful' clothes at size 16 (huge is debatable depending on height and frame) that's up to her.

What you wear and how you see yourself is entirely up to you.

There is no right or wrong in these things...people should do only what they're happy doing/wearing.

Fluffy1234 · 07/03/2012 11:33

I was pretty huge as only 5 feet 1 and didn't wear beautiful clothes because I didn't really take any pride in my appearance. I didnt have curves before i had rolls of fat. I have now lost a third of my body weight, grown my hair and just celebrated by buying a whole new wardrobe of size 10 BEAUTIFUL clothes.
I can't explain it any simpler than that.

Fluffy1234 · 07/03/2012 11:34

Worra thankyou for understanding my post.

imnotmymum · 07/03/2012 11:35

I have no issues at all and am happy with my shape thank you and I have a size 14 bottom and not overweight Stepfordwannabe and I agree Worra I am not saying that she should not wear what she wants or anyone for that matter just stating that why at 14/16/18 some see that they cover up and feel ashamed we all jumped on the Adele is gorgeous bandwagon and she is and she wears lovely things but here we are saying a size 14 is overweight.
[I know no punctuation ...]

StepfordWannabe · 07/03/2012 11:59

imnotmymum

I'm not saying AT ALL that you can't be gorgeous and a size 14/16/18 etc, but the fact of the matter is a person of size 16/18 (and usually a size 14 also, depending on height, you are obviously the exception here) is overweight. As a society, we need to get over that mental block and accept that the majority of people are overweight and that is a situation that needs to change.

How a person of that size dresses is down to how they feel about themselves - if you feel happy in yourself, regardless of size, you will probably dress well and show off your body, and the converse is also true, again regardless of size.

Kaekae · 07/03/2012 12:06

I am not sure I would be that hurt mainly because I have heard other people make far worse comments to their partners. My friends husband told her she had long saggy labias. I think that's far worse, she was pretty cut up about it.

imnotmymum · 07/03/2012 12:14

I get totally where you coming from Stepford but I am at amiss as to why we need to" get over that mental block and accept that the majority of people are overweight and that is a situation that needs to change." Why must it change thin is better ?
and Kaekae that is the most bizarre thing ever !!

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2012 12:18

we all jumped on the Adele is gorgeous bandwagon and she is and she wears lovely things but here we are saying a size 14 is overweight

Well all jumped on it?

My opinion of Adele is that she has an amazing voice, she's neither pretty nor ugly and she is overweight.

I also think she's probably not happy with her own weight as she's constantly wearing black...possibly to make herself look slimmer.

The whole 'Adele bandwagon' (on MN) I found quite nauseating as imo if she'd been slim, there wouldn't have been half as much 'gushing' over her appearance.

imnotmymum · 07/03/2012 12:23

sorry generalisation... apologies to all.
This just interested me as my girls have said that in a mag it said OMG vanessa hudgens now a size 12 and various other people who are normal sizes classed as overweight and it was food for thought on how we generate a dieting craze to be thin -where thin is contextual

squeakytoy · 07/03/2012 12:32

oh for the power of the airbrush and a good make up artist

adele au naturelle

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2012 12:34

And she's still in black Squeaky

StepfordWannabe · 07/03/2012 12:34

Thin ("normal" thin, as opposed to malnourished/anorexia etc) IS better than overweight in terms of health - there is an overwhelming amount of scientific evidence showing that obesity leads to shortened life expectancy and lots of different illnesses including diabetes, gout, arthritis, fertility issues and many more.

Obesity is an epidemic amongst Western world children in particular and is a very serious global health concern.

Flip

1 2 3 4