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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it really BU to frnkg HATE my 'd'h for not getting snipped FGS

98 replies

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 26/02/2012 00:05

I've had 2 cs babies. 1 missed m/c. I'm 42 next bday - cycle regular as proverbial. I could get pg so v easily. He is 48, says he has no notion & we just need to be careful and use condoms.
I feel sex at the time of our life could be more random, opportunistic etc He wants condoms.
I feel this is an unusual situation. What are your thoughts AIBU??

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 26/02/2012 00:06

Can you not use contraception too?

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2012 00:06

YABU, it's his body to decide what to do with!

I'd feel the same if he was hating you for not being sterilised.

TidyDancer · 26/02/2012 00:09

Of course YABU!

scotlass · 26/02/2012 00:24

YABU

If it helps I am too, my DH said he was going to get the snip 2years ago as HE adamantly did not want any more babies (we've 2 DC and had a hard time with miscarraiges between them) Still hasn't and I haven't gone back on OCP or any other contraceptive. We hardly have sex now Sad DH hates using condoms.

It's his body. You're within your rights to not put anything in your body too so I suppose its stalemate (or condoms / no sex) till one of you opts for a more permanent type of contraceptive

Original poster
SmallSherryforMedicinal · 26/02/2012 00:34

Really?? I would have been sterlised on our 3rd pg which would have been a 3rd section - but i miscarried, miserable experience - generel anesthetic d&c the lot
even kind, don't deal well with pill, doc doesn't recOmmend mirena and you all think I am being U? Wow. What about my body?? Doesnt my body count at all?

Scotlass we did go to a sexless place and after a long time he sought out 'sexual expression' elsewhere - I found out, we are trying to work things out.

Still using condoms Though

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/02/2012 00:34

YABVU to hate your DH for not wanting surgery

It's his body.

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2012 00:36

X posted but still feel the same way

If you don't want to be sterilised, have you thought about an implant?

TidyDancer · 26/02/2012 00:46

I'm sorry for what you've been through, but it doesn't change my opinion. YABU to expect your DH to go for surgery that he doesn't want. His body doesn't count any less than yours.

There are ways around this, a vasectomy is not the only answer.

Original poster
SmallSherryforMedicinal · 26/02/2012 00:47

Really?? I would have been sterlised on our 3rd pg which would have been a 3rd section - but i miscarried, miserable experience - generel anesthetic d&c the lot
even though it was an undesired pg .... but we were dealing. Ish). Failed condom & MA pill. I am 42, don't deal well with pill, doc doesn't recOmmend mirena and you all think I am being U? Wow. What about my body?? Doesnt my body count at all?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 26/02/2012 00:48

Why have you just reposted that?

mythical · 26/02/2012 00:54

Yabu, it's his body!

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 26/02/2012 00:56

If he's been dipping his bits elsewhere and is now insistent on condoms only I'd be thinking he'd picked up a nasty case of Willy rot tbh.

differentnameforthis · 26/02/2012 01:00

Why can't you get sterilised? My dh is hugely dr/hosp phobic. We don't want anymore children, so I am going in soon to get my tubes tied.

I don't see why this is always the man's responsibility.

TheSinglePringle · 26/02/2012 01:02

Cheese.. in my slightly drunken state I found your post amusing and I now have wine down my top Grin

OP its up to him if he gets it done.

differentnameforthis · 26/02/2012 01:05

It isn't a competition, op. He doesn't want surgery. End of.

I have had 2 sections, wanted to be sterilized at #2, but they rarely do it during a section as it isn't guaranteed, because everything is too swollen etc.

When dd2 was 5mths old I fell pregnant after contraception failure & my world went very dark (I never wanted more then 2 & have horrible pregnancies) I terminated. We endured a year of no sex (at which point he did NOT seek it elsewhere). During that year we hit rock bottom. Now, 3yrs on, I have an appointment very soon for tubal ligation because I can't risk pregnancy & hormonal methods are messing my body up too much.

Perhaps you hate him because of his affair & your are projecting that onto his unwillingness to have a vasectomy?

crazyforbaby · 26/02/2012 01:10

Hi Sherry, I've had many pregnancies and after this last one we both agreed that he should go for the snip...I thought it was what he as a responsible partner should WANT to do after witnessing difficult pgs and mc. Nearly 3 yrs on he is still talking abt it, but keeps backing out at last min for diff reasons. I think men get a bit nervous about any surgery involving Down There , so I am trying to be patient Angry. EVERY month when AF comes, we both go 'Phew'- we hv had a couple of near misses- it is exhausting. Could there be another reason for his wanting to use condoms? What reason does he give you?

crazyforbaby · 26/02/2012 01:12

PS You are definitely NOT bu xxx

VelcroFanjo · 26/02/2012 01:19

I see where you are coming from SmallSherry. I am almost 39 and have fallen pregnant within 1 month of coming off contraceptives each time..(have 4 kids). My OH says no more kids but still wants sex.. I have been on contraceptives for so long that I won't take them any longer. I have had 5 Pregnancies..( 2 MC's, two single pregs and one set of twins). I feel like I can fall pregnant at the drop of a hat ( or trousers, if you like). I no longer wish to pollute my body with drugs, I think I am in the peri-menopause anyway. It's difficult to explain to some but I feel like it's HIS turn to deal with the contraception.

verityverbiage · 26/02/2012 01:33

YABU demanding someone has surgery.

You can just say no can't you?

goodasgold · 26/02/2012 01:41

YANBU I do not want any more babies, my dh does not want any more babies. I feel like I have done my bit for our family physically. I'm not asking him to pass a 9lb baby through his penis.

Whilst birth control can be empowering for women it does not make it womens sole responsibilty.

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2012 01:47

But having a baby and the risks that are involved in that, was your choice goodasgold.

It was your body to decide for.

Just like it's the OPs DHs body to decide whether he wants to have the op or not.

He says no, I can't believe the OP reckons she has more rights over his body than he does and isn't above applying pressure if he doesn't do as he's told.

verityverbiage · 26/02/2012 01:50

What are you going to do if he doesn't get the chop snip?

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2012 01:55

rusty scissors verity?

Northernlurker · 26/02/2012 02:01

Generally speaking vasectomy for men is less of a big deal operation-wise than female sterilisation so I think it's perfectly reasonable for this to be the option adopted by a couple if BOTH are sure they want no more dcs. Saying you don't want any more but refusing to use the most foolproof method of contraception that you can isn't very sensible imo.

goodasgold · 26/02/2012 02:06

agentzigzag having three babies was our joint choice. He wanted babies as much as me.

I haven't tricked him into having three children with me.

I have had people stick their hands up my fanny and strap me to beds in order to have three heatlthy children. He has just have to had had sex. What is wrong with him doing his bit? I don't want to punish him, I love him, but why should it be down to me to have more procedures? I have had enough.