Is it really BU to frnkg HATE my 'd'h for not getting snipped FGS

[SmallSherryforMedicinal]

I've had 2 cs babies. 1 missed m/c. I'm 42 next bday - cycle regular as proverbial. I could get pg so v easily. He is 48, says he has no notion & we just need to be careful and use condoms.
I feel sex at the time of our life could be more random, opportunistic etc He wants condoms.
I feel this is an unusual situation. What are your thoughts AIBU??

yes personal responsibility cant compel or coerce another person into a life changing surgery to suit yourself

and this ridiculous notion of wimmins hard labour,and ohh dem men they get it easy....well that is just shite

Totally agree with you Scottishmummy. It's that kind of over immature, over emotional argument which undermines all the good work which feminism has achieved.

OP this is realy not about contraception permanent or otherwise!

If my husband was insistant about using condoms after having been caught cheating previously contraception wouldnt be my main concern.

YAB somewhat unreasonable but so is he.
You cannot force him to have the surgery, but why won't he? if he was a loving husband to you, he would consider having it done to save you from having invasive abdominal surgery, or risking another pregnancy.

However, YABU to hate him for not doing it. Again, WHY won't he? is he hospital-phobic (reasonable)? or does he just hate the idea of not being able to father children again? (not reasonable)

You need to discuss it more, find out what his problem is, explain your side more thoroughly and then either get yourself sterilised, or... well I don't know. Depending on how you want to play it, you could withold sex until he does something about it (emotional blackmail, not a good option) or take the risk with the condoms (not a good option for you).

Some of you are missing the point. It's not that the OP doesn't want more dc and the dh does and she is forcing him to have a vasectomy against his will. He doesn't want more dc either - he just doesn't want to do anything to prevent the OP from getting pg, besides using condoms. These have not proven to be particularly successful for them in the past and she is the one who has to take MAP if they fail.

She has had a hard time and a loving husband should want to make things easier for her now and share the responsibility.

not missing any point.just your point isnt accurate
she is angry she cant compel,coerce,or hector him into a vasectomy. he simply isnt having it.
so if op is so emphatic no more children ,well she has to take personal responsibility and think what will she do. rather than what should he do

i think the snip is too drastic and you dont need it anyway, just use protection.

that can be any number of things

She isn't angry that she can't compel/coerce him into having a vasectomy. She is angry because he doesn't seem to care enough about her to want to do something which would make her life a lot easier and would suit both of their wishes to have no more dc.

Agree that if he absolutely won't then she needs to think about what she will do. For me, it would be to get a less selfish husband. I couldn't continue to live and have sex with someone who didn't care about my well being.

Hi everyone, thanks for replies. I posted last night with a glass of wine on board and feeling a bit emotional as A. Flo had (thankfully) just arrived.
To answer some posters, I have consulted my doc on this and had a long discussion about our situ with her. She agrees hormone based contra doesn't seem to suit me, and I'm nervous about the coil. I had heard of essure (my doc had not). There's only 1 doc in the country (not in Uk) practicing this surgery, and it's v expensive. I did plan to get my tubes tied during my 3rd section, but I miscarried.

Dh didn't have an affair but there was a huge drift for a long time in our marriage due to the lack of a sexlife. He admitted he'd thought about trying to have sex outside the marriage but didn't (couldn't) go through with it. He registered on a dating website but didn't do a very good job of covering his tracks. I found out before anything happened and we opened up to each other and had a great discussion about our marriage and we both want in, and to find our sexual connectivity again.

This morning I told him I'd go and get my tubes tied (and I will) and but I'm not happy about it.

In before 'Your DH is lying about nothing having happened yet'.

Sorry runnygrobles, I don't understand your post. You are suggesting that something did happen?

I can understand where you are coming from.

When couples have children, they both want them. Obviously only the woman can do the pregnancy, childbirth stuff and in your situation with two sections and a nasty miscarriage you have been through a lot on order that as a couple you can have children.

Now neither of you want to have any more children I think that he should be considering a vasectomy. And TBH having seen you have 2 sections etc I would have thought if he cared about you he would do it. Male sterilisation is a more minor procedure than female sterilisation.

Perhaps it did, I don't know. He says not, and I choose to believe him.

I also don't understand the comments on here which seem to ignore the fact that men want children and that couples usually work in partnership, and insist that babies are for the benefit of the woman and it's her alone who chooses to have them and she has to bear all of the responsibility for contraception for as long as she is fertile.

In my life couples do things together, men who don't want to impregnate people take responsibility for their own fertility (condoms) and when they have decided they don;'t want any more children the snip is the usual was of doing it.

Thanks Sardine Queen. He told me a little while ago that he's going to go ahead and get it done. We haven't the money at the moment. It's not free in this country if you're a taxpayer. Health insurance doesn't cover it either.

I think YANBU to be angry that he's goneback on his word and now won't have a vasectomy. Surely contraception is a joint decision with each partner having a say. You've done your share by using hormone contraceptives etc. now it should be up for discussion about what to do. I can't take hormonal contraceptives so DH has had a vasectomy because our family is complete.

And I think the same as Inertia. Is he keeping his options open for having children with an OW?

I really dont think he wants more children with me or anyone else. He can't afford them for a start - timewise or financially.

He can see today how upset I am, and he's trying to convince me everything will be ok. Maybe I'm tying myself up in knots over this.

Well this is the thing.

Having children is a joint decision.

But there is no choice re who gets pregnant & gives birth.

Women often also take responsibility for contraception-because they are the ones who get pregnant.

TBH, when I had had the children & no wanted to be using hormonal contraception, I didn´t feel any qualms at all about telling my husband it was now over to him, I neither did I expect him to whinge or moan tbh.

smallsherry this isn't a decision that you need to rush. If he has said he will have one then maybe he still will, why does he keep changing his mind.

Have another proper talk with him is my advice.

I like Thumbwitch's response (albeit slightly sitting on the fence!) but if you do decide that it will have to be you that has the operation, make sure to milk it for all its worth, as it is by far the more invasive and serious of the two procedures.

We've discussed the snip as I am unable to use hormonal contraception and condoms haven't always been entirely successful (hence DS1!) but DH isn't too keen when he reads the words "small incision in the scrotum"!

I actually considered sterilisation as my only way of getting a break for a week or two - how sad is that - a hospital stay seems like a mini-break?!

Sardine and diddl both have good points and I definitely don't think expecting him to take some responsibility for your sex life is unreasonable.

YANBU, you have done more than your fair share in your family planning, and have had far more invasive procedures than the snip. If he also wants no more dc then he should at least consider it.

I know it's his body, but think what your body has been through to provide him with his children.

"DH isn't too keen when he reads the words "small incision in the scrotum"!"

Better than a large one

Also for us a consideration was that if I had had it done my husband would probably have needed more time off to look after the children whilst I recovered than he did for his own recovery.

Yes Diddl, and even better than "I'm going to make a little cut in the perineum to help baby come out, but you won't feel it because you'll be in so much pain already that snipping you with scissors won't register " [not bitter emoticon]