Is it really BU to frnkg HATE my 'd'h for not getting snipped FGS

[SmallSherryforMedicinal]

I've had 2 cs babies. 1 missed m/c. I'm 42 next bday - cycle regular as proverbial. I could get pg so v easily. He is 48, says he has no notion & we just need to be careful and use condoms.
I feel sex at the time of our life could be more random, opportunistic etc He wants condoms.
I feel this is an unusual situation. What are your thoughts AIBU??

I feel like I have done my bit for our family physically

See, I used to think this. Now I don't & I really don't understand that attitude. If I am honest, I didn't understand it when I thought it, it's just that people around me told me I had done my 'bit' for our family.

But now I see that it isn't about 'doing our/my bit' for our family. It is about being grown up enough to recognise that dh can't do it, but I can. So I will.

yabu,cant compel another adult to have surgery
if your so bothered then you should take initiative and see gp discuss your options

To me, it's about being able to choose what happens to our bodies. Dh never promised me he would have the snip, it was never even talked about, before or during pregnancy or planning for them. I guess we would just see what came as we all grew as a family.

I know what pregnancy/childbirth entailed. No one forced to have babies, no one forced me to endure the physical aspects that come with delivering babies & raising them. Nor did they you, but you are happy to try & force your dh into a medical procedure he doesn't want?

That's not fair. Because he isn't forcing you into being sterilized, is he?

and scottishmummy said in 2 sentences, what I hope I said in three paragraphs!

No nobody forced me. But if we wanted children I had to make physical sacrifices. My dh could not have had them for us. They worked and it happened. Now that we don't want any more children why is it such a problem that the man would undertake the less risky, less time in hospital, less painful procedure.

Look good on you if you are prepared to undergo sterilisation after childbirth. I am not, we are all different, our expectations on our dhs are all different.

Oh and my dh promised me the snip, I am quite kind to him about it.

Just because your DH didn't/couldn't have your children goodasgold, doesn't give you any more right over his body than any other random person in the street.

He could go right up to the hour before the op and still be quite within his rights to change his mind, and shouldn't expect any grief because of it.

There isn't a problem with a man deciding that because you've both chosen to not have any more children he'll get the op.

But there is a problem with a woman deciding a man will get the op regardless of his thoughts on the matter.

You wanted children iff you didn't want any you wouldn't have had any.

If this were a man posting about his wife not having an abortion there would be a few plates hitting the wall.

His body his choice.

After many discussions after I was told I had to stop the pill I got the coil fitted and it was the worst experience of my life I stood there in a pool of blood as i had hemmoridged (cant spell it lol) and was offered a panty liner & some tissue to clean up my own blood and fainted

DH was there and was in shock at how I was treated and within weeks he had seen the GP to arrange the snip poor bugger ended up getting it 4 days after his 31st birthday

BUT it was his choice i already had the bloody thing fitted and I wasnt recommended it by the GP either the woman clinic did

I could get pg so v easily.

Get your tubes cut. I did. Don't see the issue with it TBH. I couldnt risk another pregnancy for health reasons therefore I ensured my safety and took responsibility for my own contraception.

YANBU to ask him and want him to have it done. YABVU to "fking hate him". Your contempt for him shows which is not surprising if he has had an affair in the past (unless I misunderstood).

I'm not surprised you hate him if he cheated on you and blamed the lack of sex that he engineered through a combination of insisting on using condoms and not actually wanting to have sex with condoms.

I think it is perfectly reasonable that after your CSs you don't want further surgery.

Maybe he's keeping his options open in case he wants to have more children in the future with someone else?

You can't in all reasonableness expect to have control over someone else's body. If he really doesn't want it done, then that's his choice and YABU for demanding it.

However, YANBU for being annoyed with him.

A vasectomy is a minor procedure in comparison to the female equivalent of having your tubes tied. If you are in a long-term, stable relationship and you both agree that you don't want any more children, I can't see why any man would make contraception the responsibility of his wife given that it is so much easier (practically, and in terms of effect on the body) for him to have a vasectomy than it is for the woman to have her tubes tied, have a foreign body shoved up in her uterus or let her body be pumped full of artificially-produced hormones.

Condoms are a reasonable compromise for both partners though IMO.

THe fact that he had an affair is a separate issue (but may have some bearing since if your relationship is rocky he may well be hedging his bets about his fertility).

I see your point to a degree OP. I've had a hideous labour with dd1, a miscarriage and an elective section as well as being 'in charge' of the contraceptives since we met in 94. I suggested after dd2 that he have the snip as I feel my body has been through nough reproductively- instead we have had 5 years of condom use. He just couldn't do it and although it has annoyed and upset me I've just had to accept it. We've both had to accept a rather mediocre sex life as we hate condoms. Finally at 40 I had had enough and had a coil fitted. Thoroughly unpleasant in fitting but it's been great and our relationship has improved vastly. In the end I did it for me as I deserve good sex in my 40s!

Go easy on the OP. I don't think she hates her DH for not having the snip, I think it is about him cheating, refusing to consider her feelings and all that stuff.
OP, what is wrong with condoms? We use them quite happily. I think they are underrated!

goodasgold, when you decided to have children together, you both knew that you would be the one to carry then and give birth to them, didn't you? It's not like you both could have had the pregnancy and it happened to be your turn all three times.

He didn't trick you into going through childbirth, it was your joint choice as you say.

So it's not clear to me why you think he owes you something.

Seems to me people are a bit harsh to the op We could read between the lines re the use of the word "hate". Op you are Nbu. Truly not. I understand perfectly well where you are coming from. We have zero sex for this reason and while obviously one cannot force someone to have an op they could actually bloody well step up. Simple as that. An act of love. I know how you feel. It is not u. May be a good time to try and find some peace though. Good luck

There is a lesser known type of female sterilisation called ?Essure. It's done under local anaesthetic in 20 mins. If your situation is about contraception rather than forcing/punishing you DH to do his bit, might this be an option for you?

I do wish people would stop putting pregnancy/childbirth in the same category as sterilisation surgeries, they are not comparable.

Women do not have babies as a favour to their partners, they have them because they want to, so they are not owed.

If you decide that you, as a woman, do not wish to bear any more children, by any man, then you need to look at your options. One of these options is to ask you DP to have a vasectomy. If he won't then that is not a viable option so you look what other choices are available.

Men are people, not just insemination machines. And whilst a man may be sure in his head he doesn't want to father any more children, there can be a huge psychological barrier in transferring that into a permanent state of affairs. Perhaps he's not as sure as you think.

Also vasectomies are not always without pain and complication. If it goes wrong then permanent damage can be done! This is of course a scary thought. Odds are that it will be fine but that's no comfort for the men who are the minority suffering unfixable nerve damage.

Any op, no matter what for, should be the choice of the patient as they are the ones going through it, and they should never be forced or resented no matter how minor it appears to be.

I suspect that your DH has no objection to being sterile, but it's not the end result that scares him, it's the procedure and the fear of pain or damage. They are valid concerns and should not be belittled.

There are a number of posts telling OP she's BU because she can't force DH to have the snip, doesn't have more rights over his body than him etc. Given that OP hasn't suggested that she could or ought to be able to force him, I'm not sure why posters have felt the need to tell her she can't. So, to answer OPs actual question:

It is NBU to feel the way she does about someone who went back on their promise, expected her to sacrifice peace of mind by using a less reliable method and to take MAP- not an insignificant hormone dose, especially at 40- then fucked off elsewhere when she quite reasonably didn't wish to have sex under the circumstances. This man has been magnificently selfish. Of course the main victim of his selfishness feels this way about him. I fucking would.

Regarding options OP, if he's been playing away I wouldn't have sex with him until he's been tested, snip or not. He could've picked anything up. If your GP doesn't recommend mirena, would you have access to a non-hormonal IUD instead of an IUS? Would your local NHS trust even fund your sterilisation? I know some of them don't because vasectomy is so much cheaper.

I am with the OP. Presumably they both wanted children, but she is the one who has had to undergo all the physical repercussions of actually having them. Add to that an unplanned pg, miscarriage and all the horrible physical things associated with that and I can quite see why she doesn't want any more meddling with her own body.He has benefitted from all the things she has undergone in order to have their family, so why is it so unreasonable to expect him to step up and take care of things now?

He, as much as she doesn't want to have another baby, but he wants her to continue to take care of everything, so he doesn't have to. He sounds like a selfish cunt to me and add in the affair and I fully understand why the OP is angry.

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't feel a responsibility to share the load and who was happy to see me continuously struggle, while he sits back and does sweet FA

Well said Flangelina

It's amazing how many women see it as their job to defend men's imagined rights to do whatever the fuck they want, and make sure that women know that their feelings count for nothing.

I know this may seem an odd thing to say but I have always felt that if a woman really doesn't want any more children and the decision is final, then she should be sterilised. DH and I are 50ish now but certainly late 30s/40s that's the course I would have taken on the basis that if anything had happened to me I would have wanted DH to marry again and to be happy and chances were if he did that he and his 2nd wife would have wanted a child of their own. On that basis, I think it's more reasonable for the woman to take the final step.

We managed pretty well with a combination of the pill and condoms.

OP... is it that you feel your husband 'owes' you because he's been unfaithful? Has he been checked out since he strayed - and have YOU? That should be the first priority, looking after your health. Restoring your sex life is not the priority. Condoms are a very good idea if you are gong to have sex with him for YOUR sake, never mind him.

I don't subscribe to the "I had the children so it's up to him to do his bit" kind of thinking; it's just matyrdom and makes women sound a bit pathetic. It's a couple's choice to have children and it's a couple's job to discuss contraception and medical procedures together. If they can't do that then really they should be having sex in the first place.

I will defend anybody's rights to refuse non medically essential surgery!

I don't see anybody saying that men have the right to do what the fuck they want.

FWIW I think the OP's DH is a twat for having an affair. But then so is the OP for not divorcing him like he deserves, when clearly she is unable to forgive him.

Perhaps her best option would be to fuck the weasel right off. Not only could she rebuild her self esteem, she wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant by him either.

My husband had it done because it was a less major op for him than for me so it seemed to make sense.

Yes, we did both want the children, but nature dictated that I was the only one who could do that.

If not, I would have thought that one each would have been the way to go