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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say 'D'H is an arse?

123 replies

Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 19:32

First time poster but I lurk...today H really has pissed me off. The day started fine, was going out to get DD a dress for world book day and DH was staying in. I go and text him whilst I'm out that I'm having lunch with a couple friends too, he texts back "guessed as much ;)" I assume the smiley to mean he doesn't mind but I get back ad usually he helps me through the door with DS2 (1yr old) but this time he didn't, he didn't speak to me or his son and only spoke to DD because she talked to him. He went in his room and soon after left the hose without a word and came back a couple hours later (he'd been shops). I tried talking to him and he said he's fine so "don't start" he's obviously not because he's still ignoring me and his ds ! He's just sulking instead and DS is upset (managed to get him to sleep now).
DD hasn't noticed a change because he's talking to her..ugh AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

butterflyexperience · 26/02/2012 07:05

Op - I wish I could make it all better for you

Op - why do your dp's adult children nit speak to him? Is it to do with your relationship?

Question - a man in his 40's with a 16 yr old girl, is that nit abuse?

And I wonder if this relationship started when op was younger?

TroublesomeEx · 26/02/2012 07:32

My dad is in a cross generational relationship.

His wife is 5 years older than me.

And they have young children.

Their relationship is nothing like the one you describe OP. But then she was already an adult when they got together, not a child.

Original poster

Bogoffubastard · 26/02/2012 08:00

No he didn't leave me because someone called me a whore...
It's all being taken out of context.

He wanted to end things soon after we met because he wasn't comfortable with the age gap and me being 16. He never walked, he wanted to but I didn't give up and glad I didn't.
FYI I may have been 16 but I'm not now...why does everyone keep mentioning the fact I was 16? That isn't relevant now.
He's happy and so am I. I know he isnt perfect, he moans about things but I think he has good reason to be abit worried, I did stray once or twice before online! I allowed myself to get so into an online community game thing that I even ended up neglecting our dd. I'm not proud at all of it and will never forgive myself but he saw the trouble I was in and instead of walking which is what he wanted to do because I had betrayed him he stayed and I finally snapped out of it. I was dangerously close to being something I hate.
Young and naive and he knew it. He never tried to 'mold' me and always let me learn for myself. I still am learning, specially about people and how they are. But thankfully he is a constant and he doesn't change

OP posts:

Original poster

Bogoffubastard · 26/02/2012 08:04

He doesn't talk to his other children much because they never contact him unless they want money. He's hurt by this and has given up.
Once upon a time we all got on but his ex keeps poisoning them against him 'sigh
And understandably they probably don't respect him as a father because he's not at home with their mum anymore. But she filed for divorce and then he met me. He ex (understandably) hates me and told me once that if she ever sees me in the street shell run me down
His family know about us (obviously) and can see he is happy so they accept us fine.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 26/02/2012 08:23

I think people are mentioning it because he was an adult and you were a child when you got together.

The issues in your relationship that you describe seemed to be linked to the fact that you are also an adult now and less willing to comply with his wishes.

You have already said that he generally knows what is best for you. What? Even though you are now an adult? I agree that sometimes our partners can help us see the wood for the trees, but that's not the same thing as you are describing.

If you are both happy why are you on here calling him an 'arse'? It doesn't sound as though you are both happy if he is sulking and not speaking to you or his children.

Perhaps his other children only contact him for money because he didn't speak to them when they were little and so they have no relationship with him either.

Someone upthread said he has done a good job on you. I'm inclined to agree with them.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 26/02/2012 08:38

This relationship sounds very unhealthy. He sounds quite controlling and manipulative. Comments like "he knows they aren't my real friends". He doesn't get to say who your friends are you know. He doesn't seem to be doing much childcare either. He has friends that call 16 yr old girls whores. He barely has a social life himself and he wants the same for you. He seems to have convinced you that you have nothing in common with your friends. Oh and have I said he doesn't seem to do any childcare and is a lazy arse.

I would take the old line that the ex is poisoning his children against him with a HUGE pinch of salt. Even if she was, from what little you have said she may have good reason.

He does not sound like a nice man and I am failing to see how he is enhancing your life in any way.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2012 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GavisconJunkie · 26/02/2012 08:47

I agree with folkgirl, people keep mentioning that you were 16 & he 41 because your age then, rather than the 25 year gap now IS relevant. You have to accept that most 41 year old men would not dream of getting into/staying in a relationship with a vulnerable 16 year old. There will be at best ego issues at play and at worst a desire on his part for control & domination.

It is NOT about the gap, it's about the fact (FACT) that he was very much an adult & you were still a child. Your inexperience in life will have caused a certain protective dynamic, no Metternich how mature you THOUGHT you were.

He was clearly looking for a particular type of relationship then & as you say, he hasn't changed, he is a constant. You on the other hand will have changed enormously in the last decade. this is why you being 16 is relevant! It is a very likely reason for the very behaviour you describe in your original post.

GavisconJunkie · 26/02/2012 08:48

Metternich (FFS!) = matter!

fuzzpig · 26/02/2012 08:49

I am in an age gap relationship too. But it's weird for me to write that, because I don't see it in those terms at all. Why would I? We are both adults, and have DCs together. Our age is the tiniest thing compared to everything else.

In the early days - me 16, him 35 (so 19yrs gap) - we got the insults on the street etc, but it didn't stop us - we'd just shrug, roll our eyes and keep walking hand in hand. Because we were madly in love (and still are - I am same age as you).

The idea that you STILL won't be seen together in public after 9 years because of a number is actually really sad, do you not see how dysfunctional that is? Not going out with your own husband, him not being seen with his own children? That is so much more fucked up than the age gap itself.

Lots of age gap relationships work perfectly well. There is nothing wrong with them if the right people get together. What worries me is the fact you seem to be using it as an excuse for his behaviour. He IS controlling you. Throwing a strop when you go out is CONTROL.

Would you accept this from a guy your own age?

fuzzpig · 26/02/2012 08:54

If you posted this again but without mentioning the ages - so people would probably assume you were similar ages - I can pretty much guarantee everyone would tell you to leave because of his controlling, manipulative behaviour, and the fact that he is in no way an equal partner or parent.

grobagsforever · 26/02/2012 09:05

OP do youhave access to money or does he control that ?

GreenEyesAndHam · 26/02/2012 09:07

Your relationship sounds like a car crash, sorry.

littlemisssarcastic · 26/02/2012 09:24

OP, When you think of your DP, do you think of him as your security, you can rely on him, he is always there for you, not as immature as perhaps some men your age, he makes you feel safe and secure, he loves you, and you can cope with anything life throws at you so long as he is by your side. He is a kind decent man, who looks after you, and makes sure you are ok. He makes you feel all warm and secure and safe. He looks after you well.

Is this what you see when you see your DP? Or do you not feel like that much?

littlemisssarcastic · 26/02/2012 09:25

Also, Have you ever had any form of counselling for the abuse you suffered OP?

fuzzpig · 26/02/2012 09:53

What I want to know is if you feel like he is your equal.

It is important to feel like your partner will look after you, but not if they have power over you too.

I know that DH will look after me and be there for me... and I will do the same for him. We are equals.

Power imbalance is incredibly unhealthy in a relationship, no matter what the cause (age or something else).

rhondajean · 26/02/2012 13:34

I don't know it the op will come back. I don't think she is ready to hear all this - yet.

Call me a sentimental old fool but I just feel so so sad for her. Btw I completely agree a lot of age gap relationships do work and I definitely don't think anyone should be slated for it but the other facts here - the age it started at, her background, his history, his current attitude, her conditioning - all massive red flags for me.

Please please look after yourself if you are reading this, and please don't believe noone else cares about you.

Original poster

Bogoffubastard · 26/02/2012 14:11

'sigh

He is not controlling, he simple tries to protect me from getting hurt by others because he knows how sensitive I am. Yes when I need him he is there and vice versa. I control my own income and he sorts his out, occasionally we borrow from (and pay back) eachother.
I leave him with dd plenty when I want so yes he does look after our kids. But because I'm bfing ds I keep him with me.

We have been out a few times together actually just not often but thinking about it that's most likely because he works shifts and it's always easier for me as the SAHM to sort out kids for school and do grocery shopping.

Hearing about others going out has given me more confidence tbh, I will make plans in summer to have plenty family days out if we don't go on holiday. I'm sure DH will like that

Oh and yes I did call him an arse because IMO he did behave an arse. I still think that but doesn't mean I'm not happy or don't love him! Haven't you ever been annoyed with your OHs at some point?

OP posts:

WandaDoff · 26/02/2012 17:02

He's done a real number on you hasn't he?

Proudnscary · 26/02/2012 17:23

Ok cool Bogoff, we get it - all is absolutely fine and rosy in your garden. When if you want to post again about anything however in the future there is support on here...

JaneMare · 26/02/2012 17:30

bless the over-protective lazy arse

but like Proud says, if you ever want to talk about anything else, we're here

BertieBotts · 26/02/2012 17:40

You keep saying "He isn't controlling" and then describing behaviour which is controlling. It's like someone saying "Oh, he's not abusive, he just shouts a lot."

I know it can be hard to associate a label like this with someone you love, would it help to say that his behaviour towards you, as described on this thread, is controlling? Just as you saying he was being an arse, but not meaning that he is an arse.

SilentBob · 26/02/2012 18:12

I've been in both situations here- my ex was older and my partner now is younger. 9 years and 12.5 years respectively, so not huge gaps but the crucial point here is that no-one controlled the other by pretending they were trying to 'protect' them.

My ex didn't try to protect me (and we met when I was 17) and I don't try to protect my gf (she is 22). We are our own people, with our own opinions, social life, work life and friends. Alo quite pertinent is the fact that we do go out together, with my daughter and without, and neither of us a are the least bit concerned as to what anyone else thinks. We are neither of us 'grateful' to the other for being there 'despite' the age gap, past problems or whatever.

OP, sure, most folk call their partners something like an arse when they are being one, but your posts are so, so sad. TBH, the first post is kind of irrelevant after reading the rest.

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