To say 'D'H is an arse?

[Bogoffubastard]

First time poster but I lurk...today H really has pissed me off. The day started fine, was going out to get DD a dress for world book day and DH was staying in. I go and text him whilst I'm out that I'm having lunch with a couple friends too, he texts back "guessed as much ;)" I assume the smiley to mean he doesn't mind but I get back ad usually he helps me through the door with DS2 (1yr old) but this time he didn't, he didn't speak to me or his son and only spoke to DD because she talked to him. He went in his room and soon after left the hose without a word and came back a couple hours later (he'd been shops). I tried talking to him and he said he's fine so "don't start" he's obviously not because he's still ignoring me and his ds ! He's just sulking instead and DS is upset (managed to get him to sleep now).
DD hasn't noticed a change because he's talking to her..ugh AIBU or is he?

His lifestyle doesn't sound good at all, is he open to changing it?

i've decided YANBU

he IS an arse.

asleep because he was up at 7am and has been at home and for a pootle around the shops by himself?

Age is a funny thing. My DH is now 50 and is a lot older than me and he has started to change - getting more like his Dad and annoying the DCs by being less competent and slower and forgetful. Women seem to get more competent and confident as the years go by and men seem to drop over an edge somewhere is the impression I get. Logically then all individuals and couples will meet these factors at different times and it worries me that usually the woman has to accept that she must start managing her partner in order to get the best out of him... Difficult ground this for those of us whose relationships were for decades based on equality and honesty. DH seems incapable of recognising this or talking constructively about it and the temptation is to.... no sharing this has just made me realise that I must manage him and keep things nice until the DCs have grown up and left home then decide.
Good luck everyone in this position - it doesn't seem to be talked about for some reason (loyalty I suppose).

I am almost 40 and work with youth sometimes (so people between 15 and 24). The thought of having a relationship with one of them is laughable. So, that makes me think there is a reason someone else would choose a relationship with someone so much younger. Not at your ages now, because you're both fully adults. But isn't that the point? You have changed, during your relationship from a child to an adult. He is and has stayed an adult.

That exactly what I was thinking MrsTP

A 41 year old man shouldnt want a relationship with a 16 year old. No offence meant to you OP, but I just asked DH (46) if he would want a relationship with a girl that young and he said "God no!" I asked him why and he said

the girl wouldnt know anythiing about the stuff that he is into and he wouldnt know anything about what she likes so they would have nothing in common.
He said that a man who wants a girl that young wants someone to fawn on him and do whatever he wants because she is still in child/father mode. He also said that he would want "someone to mold"

And for a while your DH had that, but as MrsTP said, you have changed and become a grown woman and mother with your own thoughts, wants and sense of independence. He doesnt like that because you dont need him anymore.

DH just said that another reason a man that age would go out with a 16 year old is because no woman his age would have him!

You drip feed that he is 50, you 25.
You drip feed that you were 16 and he 41 when you got together.
And that he doesn't want to be seen out with you. That you have no friends.
And that he smokes 40 fags a day and is asleep early evening when you need to talk.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming that you live under a you know whatyou are clearly deeply concerned about many aspects of and issues within your relationship...I feel there is much, much more to this. Maybe ask this to be moved to relationships?

I should say that he said lots of things but they were the main points :o

Gah - strike through fail

No he didn't expect to come out - we don't go out together because theres a large age gap between us

I am sorry but I have to ask, why on earth at 16 you were in a relationship with a man of 41 :(

It is fairly inevitable that you are going to want more out of life than being stuck with someone who is of a completely different generation.

Agree with Bogey and Mrs

god all4u, that really hit a note with me. My DH been driving me insane for the last few years - he seems to be getting slower and less switched on, whereas i seem to be more confident and on top of things than ever. Very interesting comment of yours.

I MrBogeyface for his contribution, he sounds funny.

Another one who thinks that this inadequate creep doesn't like the idea of you being a person. He picked you when you were 16 because his idea of 'wife' is somewhere between domestic appliance, child and pet. You're supposed to obey and adore him. i think you're outgrowing him, and that's all to the good.

I would have serious issues being married to a man who would not be seen with me in public, or as a family together. Do you really find this acceptable OP?

Reading your post is like listening to myself 10 yrs ago.

I was with a man who was 20 years older than me. We had 2 young kids, & I wasn't allowed to have much of a social life.
He didn't hit me, but the sulks & mind games sounds similar to your DP.

If I went out with my friends he sulked. If I had them round to the house he sulked.

He basically didn't like me socialising with anyone because he was a controlling,
manipulative, arsehole.

Sound familiar?

I dont know why people would give you looks though... most would just assume you were out with your father or grandfather.. and sorry if that sounds harsh but it is true.

There is something really wrong in a middle aged man wanting a relationship with a child, and a child is what you were when he met you. :(

This is ringing huge alarm bells. Particularly the ages you both were when you met and the fact that he doesn't want to be seen with you (why is he concerned about it if there is nothing wrong with it?) and the controlling nature of his attitude to you spending time with friends.

how are your family about this? Do you have contact with your family?

I cant make this guy out, he doesnt want to be seen out with you because he is older, he obviously doens't want you socialising with folk your own age because he is worried you are going to meet someone else. Err, maybe if he made the effort!!

YANBU, your DH is being an arse. As are you for 'accepting' that you should not be seen together in public with/out your children because of other people's reactions.
You may well have had odd looks when you were a teenager and he a middle-aged man. Presumably you decided the age gap didn't matter and a decade on have your own family.
He thinks his children will be teased as he's older? He's not the oldest parent on the planet!
You need to think about the examples you are setting for your children; to hide away scared of people's negative opinons? For parents to not socialize together, or even talk?
Only you know whether there is any truth in the posts here that he is controlling/upset by the dynamic now you are an adult.
Hope you get to have a decent talk with him.

It is very odd that he doesn't want to go out with you. My Dp is 18 years older than me, we met when I was 21. He was a bit funny about kissing me in public at first, and there was the odd grandfather comment when the dc's were born, but tbh I barely even think about it any more, 10 years have probably aged me more than him .

You really need to think about your relationship, the maturity gap between 16 and 25 is immense, the fact that he is sulking because you stayed out late is a massive problem.

My dp falls asleep whenever the hell he sits down, it does my freaking nut in, but he has done it since I have know him, I remember visiting his Dad and his wife and all 3 of them nodding off, me sat there like a fucking lemon .

Sorry, totally disagree with posters who think the age gap is 'wrong'. My DH is 23 years my senior, we met when I was 17. Have 3 DCs together and DSS. He most definitely did not want a ''pet" or for me to "obey" him. We just got on, I suppose. I was abit of an old soul, we had similar tastes, beliefs, and still manage to have things in common, etc.

However, OP, my DP would get a massive kick up the arse if he ever played sulky little games with me! We do have different sets of friends, I think it's totally normal to socialise separately, but he would never ever be embarrassed to be seen out with me and DCs! No one, ( to my knowledge) has ever batted an eyelid about it. Granted my Dad probably wasn't over the moon but he gets on really well with DP and can see I'm happy! On paper, 16 and 41 may not sound ideal, but what is nowadays, really?

The big thing for me is that your DH is shitty about you seeing friends, totally out of order for anyone to behave like that, regardless of age.