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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say 'D'H is an arse?

123 replies

Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 19:32

First time poster but I lurk...today H really has pissed me off. The day started fine, was going out to get DD a dress for world book day and DH was staying in. I go and text him whilst I'm out that I'm having lunch with a couple friends too, he texts back "guessed as much ;)" I assume the smiley to mean he doesn't mind but I get back ad usually he helps me through the door with DS2 (1yr old) but this time he didn't, he didn't speak to me or his son and only spoke to DD because she talked to him. He went in his room and soon after left the hose without a word and came back a couple hours later (he'd been shops). I tried talking to him and he said he's fine so "don't start" Hmm he's obviously not because he's still ignoring me and his ds ! He's just sulking instead and DS is upset (managed to get him to sleep now).
DD hasn't noticed a change because he's talking to her..ugh AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 21:52

Grin blackletterday

And thanks inthepotty

No DH isn't controlling. He did tell me what was wrong, he wouldn't admit it straight up but he was upset that I'd not just told him on Friday that I planned to go with my mates. He feels I was trying to take him for a fool. He said he nor anyone else can tell me what to do - its my choice and he doesn't mind me going out with my friends he just knows they arent my proper friends etc etc...all quite long and not wlquite sounding how it did but now I know what was wrong!

But I will broach the subject of going out abit more...I forgot we did go to the shops with DD recently to let her choose a present..no one was lynched Wink

Thank you everyone for posting. I'm going to chat to him some more and will post later or tomorrow Smile

OP posts:
DaisyAndConfused · 25/02/2012 21:55

Agree with everything Potty says, my 'ancient' DH is as young or younger than me in a lot of ways, he hasn't 'slowed down' at all (black run skiing, white water kayaking, and he manages to out-party me most of the time..)

He does like Midsomer Murder though Hmm

The other stuff aside from the age gap is worrying though...

rhondajean · 25/02/2012 22:04

Well that's big of him. He doesn't mind you going out with your friends eh. What a catch.

You are trying to make a fool of him by going out?

Your friends aren't your proper friends?

Obviously, cos no one can look after you like he can, and of course you need looked after.

I am not for a minut suggesting all age gap relationships are the same, or that this is purely because there is a gap between your ages, but I reiterate again there is a massive power imbalance there which is changing as you are maturing and he is being a manipulative git to try to retain control.

I've also just realised that when you said you don't go out together, you mean at all, I was thinking nights out, you are meaning leave the house together aren't you.

This is wrong wrong wrong.

Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 22:09

Myname I did not like those lyrics at all Sad couldn't even bring myself to read most of them.

This may or may not add fuel to the fire but I have no family as they cast me out when I went to court and said my "father" abused me. He did, he also abused my sister.
Child abuse sickens me so to make any suggestions toward my DH re our age gap and I was 16 when we met yada yada well i will ignore it because he is not that way inclined.
We met and what was going to be a bit of fun turned out to be serious and we admitted that we did/do love eachother very much.

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Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 22:12

No he meant I was trying to make a fool of him by not telling him my plans. Deceiving him etc.

The friends thing is irrelevant to me tbh because I know we have nothing in common and apart from DH I'm yet to find anyone I can really talk to

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Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 22:13

Post cut off too early Hmm

And trust...

I've befriended loads of people specially at dds school but none are interested in being a friend. Makes me a bit sad but I'm happy with just casual chit chat

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rhondajean · 25/02/2012 22:14

Wow he's done a great job on you.

Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 22:20

Actually rereading and none of my posts sound how I mean! Argh!

< shrugs > time for bed I think..

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rhondajean · 25/02/2012 22:23

Just look after yourself.

HeadfirstForHalos · 25/02/2012 22:41

YANBU he is being an arse. You sound very unhappy :(

Getting a little bit pissed off about the age gap generalisations though. I was 16, dh was 32 when we got together. We've been together 15 years, married for 11 and have 4 dc. We're both happy and have an equal relationship. If anyone is in charge in our relationship it's me Grin I'm certainly not some molded little pet.

pictish · 25/02/2012 22:50

Sad thread this one.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2012 22:54

I'm really worried about you. I'm very very sorry you were abused. It is hard not to draw some conclusions from that (replacing a dreadful 'father' with an older man who loved and looked after you, not necessarily being aware of what a healthy sexual relationship looked/felt like). Have a think about what has been written, digest it, ask yourself my you couldn't read the lyrics, then think about it all. Maybe counselling would be an idea.

DaisyAndConfused · 25/02/2012 22:57

Bogoff I'm sorry for your troubles and I hope you had the support you needed to deal with the abuse you suffered.

I hope things work out for you.

squeakytoy · 25/02/2012 22:59

I was 16, dh was 32 when we got together

I dont see that as being quite so much a difference.. it certainly wouldnt be something I would be too happy about if the 16yo was my daughter, but I can also remember the 16yo me, who looked much older, and found men of that age attractive..... so I can see both sides there.

My concern reading this thread, and the OP's posts is that she was a very young looking 16yo, and also an abused one :( ... a 41 year old man should not have got involved with her, and should have had the moral decency to keep away or at the very least not pursue her sexually.

I do think this is a very sad thread to read as OP sounds like she is in need of friends, but has been kept sheltered from living the normal life of a teenager and a twentysomething, by being tied to an old man and having children. :(

KateSpade · 25/02/2012 23:12

I had a boyfriend, who sounds like your DP, he didn't let me have friends, i mean none. He occasionally let me go out with his cousin, but only if he was out in the same town and met me at the last club. It ended up getting a lot worse from that and now its called 'emotional abuse'. Im not in anyway saying that would/is happening to you, but it started a similar way.

I Just think you are too different to each other, age differences are fine, but he's getting older, and your just starting to be a proper grown up so to speak.

you don't sound too happy, OP, sit down and think what you really want and how you can make it happen.

Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 23:18

That's not fair squeaky, he never knew about my abuse straight away. I kept that to myself in fact the only reason I told him was because someone apparently close to me told him I was a whore and slept around and other stuff I can't don't care to remember and the only way to explain it was to tell him.
he wanted to end it back then but I pursued him and we had DD and that kept us strong.
I've socialised plenty but the people I meet and my old friends just aren't who I thought and they're too wrapped up in their own lives to care about me! I made the mistake of watching 'Friends' and thinking that's how people really are..they're not. No one cares about anyone - only themselves. But I have got DH and dispute our ups and downs he is my only true friend.

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sississy · 25/02/2012 23:19

Hi OP, if you can PM me if you wants to chat. Take care.

squeakytoy · 25/02/2012 23:23

People do care. It is just sometimes it can take a while to meet good friends.

I dont mean to be unfair. You are younger than my stepdaughters, and I would be concerned if either of them had been in a relationship with someone so much older, and also very worried if they were so isolated as you seem to be.

Does your husband have any family? Do you get on ok with them?

Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 23:31

Yes but his sister isn't a great socialiser with us! Shes always visiting her friends though Hmm

His parents live abroad but his mum loves a good natter Grin

I'm yet to find guinene (sp?) people who are not just nosey or back stabbers! Sad and I have met many many people 'sigh

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Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 23:31

Genuine*

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Quattrocento · 25/02/2012 23:32

Cross-generational relationships can work, but they have a higher than average failure rate.

rhondajean · 25/02/2012 23:37

If you have been lurking on MN for a while, you will have seen loads of examples of the goodness in people and how they look out for each other.

Your posts are heartbreaking - I would love to give you a great big hug. How old is your dd btw?

squeakytoy · 25/02/2012 23:41

Sorry to ask more questions. Does your husband have friends? Does he go out with them at all? Do either of you work? Does he have any children from a previous relationship.

It sounds as though he is scared of losing you, and doesnt want you to be out with friends your own age, in case it gives you a taste of what life could be like if you were single. I can understand those fears, but that isnt fair on you for him to try and keep you to himself.

You have to have a social network, being isolated as you are and made to feel guilty for going out is not right.

Original poster
Bogoffubastard · 25/02/2012 23:49

He socialises at work but he's not into socialising on a whole.
He used to like going to the pub with his eldest son (previous relationship - marriage of 17years? 3 kids) but his eldest is with his mum and none of his other kids are in much contact with him now.
Dd is 6 (almost 7)

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 26/02/2012 06:00

So someone told him that you (at 16) were a "whore".

He believed them and left you. You pursued him and got pregnant at 17, to a man in his 40s (who knew you had been sexually abused by your father)?

Did he leave his marriage to be with you?

Now you are 25, and you believe that he is your only true friend.

He won't go out in public with you and browbeats you if you spend time with other people.

Stay on Mumsnet, there are nice people here. Don't mention it to him. Lots of us keep our MN habit as a bit of a guilty secret.