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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should i tell the next customer who questions me about my scar to piss off !

105 replies

catpark · 25/02/2012 11:23

Basically I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer just over a year ago. I've had 2 operations, radioiodine ablation (You have to swallow the radiation tablet and stay in hospital as you are too radioactive, geiger counter gets put near you twice a day etc. ) I'm now in remission, but I have a scar across the front of my neck due to the surgery's, just above my collar bone.

Now I work on a checkout and yesterday i had a customer who asked me what happened to get the scar. I simply said cancer, that's usually enough to stop most random people questioning me. She then asked me what type, did I have chemo etc.

I just looked at her and her husband informed me that she wasn't being nosy as she is a nurse and is allowed to ask these things. She then told me how she likes to find out about people's health and as a nurse it is her job ! I actually ignored her and didn't speak to her again. I got the cats bum face from her and muttered about how rude I was being !

As far a i'm concerned she was being nosy, being a nurse doesn't give her the right to question a complete stranger about things. She was lucky that i've come to terms with the cancer and have a good prognosis, many others haven't and this type of questioning could really upset them. Also what if the scar i've got was from something else ?

It's not the first time customers have questioned me about it. Worst one asked me why I tryed to do it. He thought i'd attempted to kill myself ! You wouldn't ask a random stranger in the street about it so why feel the need to ask a checkout operator ?

Would it be unreasonable to tell the next person enquiring to piss off ?

OP posts:
Inertia · 25/02/2012 12:31

Gosh, hugely rude of both of them, and not very professional from her if she's a real nurse.

I think it'd be perfectly justifiable for you to say "I prefer not to discuss my medical history in public/ at work" (or "I find it distressing to talk about my medical history in public") without being considered rude. They're buying potatoes , they aren't buying you , therefore they don't actually need to know anything about you.

RabidEchidna · 25/02/2012 12:31

Very odd woman OP, Sadly people love to stare or question others disfigurements, seem to think it is open to discussion. Although on the other side of the coin I would rather someone ask then point of stare

RabidEchidna · 25/02/2012 12:31

or

Spero · 25/02/2012 12:32

So sorry to hear this. People seem to think they have the right to ask utterly insensitive questions. I get it ALL the time as I walk with a limp.

I used to go the angry route and tell them to fuck off but I don't anymore - sometimes it is just not appropriate for eg if I am with my daughter, but more importantly it was making me very angry and upset to react in this way.

Now I try to smile sweetly, briefly explain I have an artificial leg and if they won't shut up I tell them I am not comfortable discussing it with them and I will walk away.

The crassness and stupidity of some people is breathtaking at times.

GlitterySkulls · 25/02/2012 12:42

a girl who works in my local poundland has a scar across her throat, it's never crossed my mind to ask her about it. why would anyone do that? it's sooooo unbelievably rude.

we chat away every time i'm in store, if we see each other on the street, we'll nod & say hello, etc but until now, i've never even wondered to myself what caused it. maybe it's because DH has loads of surgical scars, mainly on his head, & we get so pissed off explaining for the millionth time, no he hasn't been bottled/axed/whatever, but it just seems so intrusive to me.

sorry you get twatty customers, OP, and here's to your remission Wine

Maryz · 25/02/2012 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eaglewings · 25/02/2012 12:47

People are rude and always will be, others curious and tactless but don't mean to be rude
As people won't change, could you ask about wearing a roll neck under your uniform to stop the questions until you feel ready to cope with people's silly comments again? I'm not saying hide the scar because it shouldn't be seen, but just till up you feel stronger to cope with the twats
I say this as someone who has a scar under my eye from sunbeds and not enough sun screen (hardly any sunbeds and sun screen more often than not - warning to all sun worshipers! )

Spero · 25/02/2012 12:52

Someone actually joked that I had been attacked by a shark when I was younger and I found it really upsetting as back then I didn't have the emotional resilience to deal with it.

The problem is that the people who ask these sorts of questions are mega bell ends so often the jokey response doesn't deflect them. They are simply too blinkered to appreciate they might be upsetting someone. So I think the smile sweetly and walk on by approach is usually best as otherwise you are letting them wind you up. They are still twats but now you are upset.

CMOTDibbler · 25/02/2012 12:53

A big gaaaaahhhhhhh for you from me, and she had no right to go on about it. Unfortunatly there is a twatty section of society who don't know when to keep their gobs shut and their eyes to themselves.
Some bloke on security at the airport once gave me his surgical opinion that I should have my arm amputated...

blackoutthesun · 25/02/2012 12:59

right op, so sorry it has upset you

first if another customer says anything again log it with your manager. they have a duty of care towards you, no one should be made to feel like that at work.

if i was your manager i would have told the nosey cow to piss off and have done before

edam · 25/02/2012 13:02

What an incredibly rude and unprofessional woman. No idea of boundaries which is really not good for a nurse.

Someone I work with had thyroid cancer and the treatment described earlier - I've never noticed a scar and even if I did, I wouldn't dream of demanding she tell me all the details.

Glad to hear you are in remission, long may it continue.

SardineQueen · 25/02/2012 13:02

Ha I used to say shark attack too!

I didn't realise it was a popular one Grin

ProcrastinateWildly · 25/02/2012 13:11

I know people do say they would rather be asked what had happened to them than be stared at, but really adults should know that it's rude to stare, and children should be taught by the adults. People who have scars, loss of limbs etc should be able to go about their business just the same as anyone else, without having to answer questions from strangers and being stared at like they are some kind of freak show.

Kbear · 25/02/2012 13:31

After my surgery I did tell someone I was going through my Frankenstein phase and would be getting bolts either side fitted soon.

Catstwattypoosituation · 25/02/2012 13:37

This happens to me too. It is annoying, although personally I find people who stare without saying anything worse. Everyone reading this, please don't stare! Not even a quick series of glances or out of the corner of your eye. The person knows you're doing it.

Get a stock ridiculous answer and trot it out, followed by an immediate subject change. Mine is 'Someone sabotaged my abseilling rope. Did you see Eastenders last night?'

Catstwattypoosituation · 25/02/2012 13:46

Oh and this might not be for you, but have you tried camouflage make up? The Red Cross does sessions in some parts of the country where they'll find a match for your skin. Then they write to your GP and you can get the stuff on prescription.

choux · 25/02/2012 13:55

I have a scar on my chest from an operation to remove a cyst when I was a child. It's actually a keyloid scar so raised and pinker than my skin although over the years it has become less noticeable.

When I was younger and it was more noticeable people would sometimes ask about it. If I thought they were being nosy I would tell them i had been shot! And then change the subject so they would seem doubly rude if they talked about my scar again. I used to quite like winding people up abut it once i got practiced!

redwineformethanks · 25/02/2012 14:30

How rude to ask. So what if she's a nurse? Unless she's involved in your treatment, what business is it of hers?

I like the idea of an outrageous answer, failing blame your employers "Sorry but it's company policy we're not allowed to discuss personal issues with customers"

HoneyBadgerDontCare · 25/02/2012 14:39

I have a pretty nasty scar on my throat, people often ask what caused it, my answer (deadpan face) knife fight.

YANBU, nosy bitch.

GregorSamsa · 25/02/2012 14:49

Horrid, and from personal experience I can confirm that it's not unusual to have random people coming up to you and asking about scars/wounds.

I was quite young when I had my most obvious surgical scars, so it was even more difficult as I wasnt as old and tough emotionally robust as I am now. The scars have faded with the years, and I had some wonderful NHS plastic surgery on the most disfiguring one, so I don't get it as much as I used to, but it does still happen occasionally.

I just fix people with a fake sweet smile and say, "Sorry, did I say something to make you think I wanted to discuss my medical history with you?"

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2012 14:55

Brilliant response Gregor! Grin

OP - some people are so appallingly rude and nosy they simply take your breath away!!
YANBU to secretly want to tell them to Piss Off. But in order to keep your job Grin a simple "I'd prefer not to discuss it" would hopefully suffice.

Floggingmolly · 25/02/2012 15:03

Yes, my mum had this. Incredibly rude and intrusive.

JosieZ · 25/02/2012 16:31

You could paint it with black marker pen and pretend it's a tattoo.

In fact you could add a few swirls, next thing customers will be asking where you got your cool design done!!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 25/02/2012 16:37

You should have asked "omg what happened to your nose/eyes/chin/hair" with a shocked face in return :)
Or the whole shark attack/vampire bite/punishment for talking to customers whilst serving on the till...

She was a cheeky cow, any other cheeky cows you get you are perfectly entitled to ignore away, well done for staying so calm :)

maxpower · 25/02/2012 16:45

catpark you have my complete sympathies. I have a very prominent birthmark. When I was younger I used to work in Smiths. People would come in a constantly ask me if it was a burn. I'd say, no, it's a birthmark and 99% would respond, 'oh, that's a shame' - used to drive me crazy but because you're at work, you can't tell them to f-off and mind their own business like you would otherwise.

I remember one woman spending quite some time sort of creeping up on me once. In the end I asked her if I could help, thinking she was just one of those people who need a bit of prompting. She said, 'no, but maybe I can help you. I sell a special range of make up for people who wants to disguise marks, scars and blemishes, would you be interested?' If I could have got away with slapping her round the face I would have. I couldn't believe how rude she was. The mere fact that I wasn't (and don't) make any effort to disguise my birthmark would probably suggest to most people I don't have a major problem with it. Of course if I could get rid of it I would, but at the end of the day, it's part of me.