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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should i tell the next customer who questions me about my scar to piss off !

105 replies

catpark · 25/02/2012 11:23

Basically I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer just over a year ago. I've had 2 operations, radioiodine ablation (You have to swallow the radiation tablet and stay in hospital as you are too radioactive, geiger counter gets put near you twice a day etc. ) I'm now in remission, but I have a scar across the front of my neck due to the surgery's, just above my collar bone.

Now I work on a checkout and yesterday i had a customer who asked me what happened to get the scar. I simply said cancer, that's usually enough to stop most random people questioning me. She then asked me what type, did I have chemo etc.

I just looked at her and her husband informed me that she wasn't being nosy as she is a nurse and is allowed to ask these things. She then told me how she likes to find out about people's health and as a nurse it is her job ! I actually ignored her and didn't speak to her again. I got the cats bum face from her and muttered about how rude I was being !

As far a i'm concerned she was being nosy, being a nurse doesn't give her the right to question a complete stranger about things. She was lucky that i've come to terms with the cancer and have a good prognosis, many others haven't and this type of questioning could really upset them. Also what if the scar i've got was from something else ?

It's not the first time customers have questioned me about it. Worst one asked me why I tryed to do it. He thought i'd attempted to kill myself ! You wouldn't ask a random stranger in the street about it so why feel the need to ask a checkout operator ?

Would it be unreasonable to tell the next person enquiring to piss off ?

OP posts:

puds11 · 25/02/2012 11:26

nope its your scar you tell or not tell who you like!

FrozenChocolate · 25/02/2012 11:27

Say, 'Why do you want to know?'

The will hopefully shut up then. It's incredibly rude imo.

Good luck with the remission (if that's the right way to phrase it?).

StickyProblem · 25/02/2012 11:29

It's unbelievably rude to quiz you about it... but I wouldn't think you'd have your job long if you tell customers to piss off :)

I would just say "I don't like talking about it." and then don't say anything more, regardless of what they say. It's THEM who are rude, not you. Why the hell should you be grilled about your private health issues to satisfy a stranger's nosiness?

ChaoticAngel · 25/02/2012 11:29

YANBU What is it with people who poke their noses into other people's business.

StickyProblem · 25/02/2012 11:30

Yes and good luck with the recovery/remission. If it were someone in the road, yes, piss off is a good answer.

Mishy1234 · 25/02/2012 11:30

I agree OP, it was very rude of her to question you like that.

I don't know what the solution is, as you would have thought your answer of 'cancer' would have been enough to shut her up. It's a compulsion for some people to needle away like that and even being downright rude (which I don't think you were) probably wouldn't have stopped her.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 25/02/2012 11:30

I would come up with something about when on holiday you had a terrible encounter with a shark/elephant/crocodile/turtle.

Most people I know who have a scar on their neck is caused by surgery/thyroid problems etc and I wouldnt question them ever. How rude.

Glad you have a good prognosis.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 25/02/2012 11:31

I can totally see why this would piss you off. But just to play devils advocate for a moment, I've seen many threads on here where people have said they'd rather people come out and ask them about something rather than just staring. That's not an excuse for downright nosiness though.

Sposh · 25/02/2012 11:32

A nurse expecting to be told the details of a stranger's health is like an accountant coming up to me in the street and asking to see my bank balance!

What a strange world she lives in.

Kbear · 25/02/2012 11:33

Hello - yes it's rude to ask about the scar and most people wouldn't dream of asking.

I would just say "I had surgery" and then no more. People sometimes forget the boundaries of politeness and a nurse should surely have more sense and tact so consider her a one off.

I had half my thyroid removed 9 years ago so have the same scar as you and if it helps, you can't even see it now, unless you know it's there IYSWIM! and no one ever mentions it. Over time the scar gets lighter in colour and you will be less conscious of it.

I hope you continue to recover well and just brush off the remarks, people can be dumb.

Marshy · 25/02/2012 11:34

Probably wouldn't be a good ideas to tell customers to piss off whilst you are at work; I would imagine your manager might have issues with that, though can completely understand why you would want to! Maybe a polite but firm 'I prefer not to discuss it' would do the trick, and with any luck they will read '...so piss off' between the lines. Some people are unbelievably nosy and insensitive - can't believe the nurse.

tribpot · 25/02/2012 11:37

She is a nurse with apparently no understanding of where her professional remit begins and ends. Was she going to perform some kind of treatment on you at the checkout? Had you presented yourself to the NHS for care? No. She is not 'allowed' to ask these things because she is a nurse, what total crap. And as for you being rude, what a cheek. Perhaps it might have been more courteous to say that you did not wish to discuss it any further but you had been put in a completely unreasonable situation by their behaviour and, I would imagine, needed to move them on to get to the next customer, not enter into a dialogue about the suitability of their line of questioning.

I am amazed anyone would ask you about your scar - not at all in the same league but some years ago my boss (before he was my boss) was attacked by a gannet whilst he was out fishing - yes really! Well, this thing left a MASSIVE cut down his face and the poor bugger had to come into work the next day. Despite the fact he looked like he'd been in a bar fight I still didn't ask him what had happened as I thought it would be too intrusive. And this was someone I knew! (Not well, but knew).

So if you do get asked again and don't want to say "I'm afraid I don't discuss that" you could always claim to have been attacked by the giant sea bird of your choice. But you shouldn't need to say anything at all. As to the guy who thought it'd be useful to strike up a conversation about your apparent former suicide attempt - good god! Why on earth?

However, to answer your question, it probably wouldn't be reasonable to tell the next person who asks to piss off, although I certainly can see why you would want to.

M0naLisa · 25/02/2012 11:37

Id have found something wrong wih her face, arm, hand what ever and asked her about that and as a checkout supermarket assisant you had a right to know too cos they are known tio be chatty just tell them that and theyll shtu up!!

M0naLisa · 25/02/2012 11:37

sorry about typos

halcyondays · 25/02/2012 11:39

If anything, you'd think a nurse would be a bit more diplomatic, wonder if she really is a nurse...

You would hope that if you said "I don't want to talk about it" they would get the message.

ledkr · 25/02/2012 11:41

good grief,she was just a silly cow. I have scars op from nreast cancer surgery and can feel people looking at me when im on holiday thus in a bikini,nobody has ever asked me though how bloody rude.
My dd is 12 months and has a couple of strawberry marks.People have plenty to say about that though

ledkr · 25/02/2012 11:41

new body part

FilterCoffee · 25/02/2012 11:41

YANBU. Agree that at work you'll just have to repeat "I prefer not to talk about it" and change the subject when you can.

BrianButterfield · 25/02/2012 11:42

It is rude to ask. Just amuse yourself by making up more and more outlandish lies - once my DH cut himself shaving and when one of his pupils asked what had happened he told them he'd been in a bar fight with a knife-wielding monkey

Original poster

catpark · 25/02/2012 11:44

Thanks all, I wouldn't really tell her to piss off as she would probably have complained about me ! But I was thinking it. Even telling the few who have asked i don't want to discuss it isn't enough for some, I get a scowl and 'I was only asking '

This particular customer really annoyed me as her and her husband were justifying her questioning because she was a nurse.

I'm suppossed to chat to customers but i wouldn't ask them about scars, loss of limbs etc. as it's just so rude.

OP posts:

FreudianSlipper · 25/02/2012 11:44

she is nosey, what has her being a nurse got to do with it, i would have thought being a nurse she woudl have a little more aware of other peoples feelings

my friend has a scar on her face from an attack, it is mostly hidden by her hair but she is asked so often how she got it, i have a little scar on my forhead and have been asked many times how i got it. scars are a talking point but it is very rude to ask someone how they got their scar, it may not be someting they do not want to talk about

YNK · 25/02/2012 11:46

I'm sure people don't mean to be intrusive but it is!

My brother has a mobility issue which has been apparent for many years. A working diagnosis was tentatively suggested recently and it's likely to be a very rare degenerative genetic condition.

He gets very upset when people ask what's wrong with him. Years ago people often assumed he was drunk, which I think is worse!

I'm now starting to get the balance problems and I hate the faces I see sometimes. I am torn between explaining and ignoring. I have decided to continue to laugh it off for now, but I'm dreading more intrusive questioning.

TroublesomeEx · 25/02/2012 11:48

I wouldn't dream of asking someone how they got a scar!

How rude!

elliejjtiny · 25/02/2012 11:49

Tell the next person you were bitten by a vampire and watch them run

I hope you continue to recover well and being a nurse doesn't give you a liscence to be nosy.

brighthair · 25/02/2012 11:50

Rude
One customer who spotted my broken cheekbone and black/blur face decided it was funny to keep joking about girls "fighting"
I had been assaulted for no reason and repeatedly kicked in the head

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