To tell him that if he's so much better than I am, he can bloody well do it himself?!

[StealthPenguin]

My partner is wonderful. Really. He's a lovely bloke, great father and genuinely spontaneous and romantic person.

But he drives me absolutely bloody bonkers over how I do my housework!!!!

He keeps telling me that no, I'm doing it wrong, and that X should be done before Y. And I just want to lamp him!

So now I've yelled explained to him that every time he says anything about the way I do things, I will abandon the task and he will have to do it instead.

Anyone else had this problem? Please tell me a boot up the arse worked!

it doesn't work, sorry.

My DH does this sometimes-makes 'helpful' suggestions. I ignore him. He has a point about the way I slice bread though.

Do you live together? If not then your house, your rules and tell him to mind his own business

Yes exactly the same thing here. Same argument. Still not really 100% resolved and it rears its head every now and then. He's miles better than he was though. We're getting there. Slowly.

He's very particular over things in general, bordering on OCD so this is a pretty massive thing for him. He has stopped coming home and rearranging the clothes on the dryer every time which drove me nuts and really upset me to the point of us getting close to splitting over the issue. In the end we had a huge row where I ended up challenging him on how controlling it is. But yeah, it took us to get to that point before he started to realise what it was all really about and how serious it was. It might sound petty but doing that really did get to me and knock my self confidence and it was hard for him to understand and accept what he was doing and just how much it was getting to me. He always regarded it as him having a better more logic way and that he was just helping me rather than undermining me.

I've had a call from him today about this very subject as it goes. Instead of moaning at me for 'over filling' the washing machine as his t-shirt had soap marks on that looks like something rather unpleasant he was pissing himself laughing about it. Major progress. Turned out he'd had a conversation with a work colleague when he spotted it, which lead to conversation about how his wife did the washing and how he ended up with 'wank stain' marks on his clothes too... they had a laugh about it to by the sound of it, in a nice way and that yeah, that just happens to me all the time - not a big deal. He was really nice and jovial about it to me about and was amused by it. In the past it would have been a full scale argument over the phone that would have gone on for hours later tonight.

Its nice for him to be starting to realise that you can't be perfect and stuff like this really doesn't matter. For him to realise I'm not doing thing 'wrong' and 'deliberately to piss him off', and of other people don't get so hung up about it is good. He does have odd moments were he does still do it, but on the whole he's coming round to realising he's being unfair and everyone has their own way of doing housework.

I really don't mind doing his washing given the hours he works, but I'm not going to be forced to do things a particular way because he tells me, both on principle and because I simply find it easier to do things a different way.

It is amazing how something so simple really can be a huge deal though. You do need to stand your ground and stick to your guns on the whole, "if you don't like the way I do things, do it your bloody self" thing. Its not easy. It is more than just being about the housework...

Oh God this has given me a wake up call. I came home from work today to find DP had been home in his lunch break and hung all the wet clothes form the wash on the drying rack. Instead of being pleased that he had done that, I felt cross because the clothes were all bunched up and overlapping each other. I had to give them all a good shake to get teh creases out and rearrange them.

Now I most certainly won't be mentioning it when he come home from work this evening.

But it does still annoy me

I would kill my DH if he did this. Especially as I do 80% of the housework (he does his fair share at the weekends). The only thing he criticises is the way I load the dishwasher but he has a point and I am too lazy to do it his way

He always noticed that I have tidied and cleaned (and yes I do it at least twice a week!) and is appreciative. It is a very mundane never ending task and being criticised for it would push me over the edge!

Oh dear. I'll stop (or try to stop) rehanging the washing DH has arranged. I do try not to comment on other housework being done wrong but it is not easy when you know that your way is quicker and gives a better result!

I will be nicer. I WILL be nicer to him...

I hadn't thought about damaging his self confidence.

Sorry, should have specified - we live with his parents but as I'm home during the day with DS I tend to do quite a bit of the housework. A good deal since they aren't charging us rent!

He's very OCD about some things as well - he had a go at me the other month because I was putting DVD's away in the wrong order. And by that I don't mean putting them in so they are all jumbled, I mean I was "supposed" to look through the DVD binders and replace all of the ones that have a second disc or come as part of a set (for example, LOTR), and then put away the rest! Rathern than just working my way through it from front to back!

Drives me spare. Everything I do is "arse-backwards" apparently. Gah!

The thing is, with laundry specifically, there IS a right way and a wrong way. If you shake all the creases out, snap things into shape etc, they will dry properly. If you bunch them up and overlap them, they will not dry properly and will moulder in the creases and start to smell.

Perhaps if the people who are doing it correctly explained this nicely to the lunatics others it might help?

My DH is a bit like that, although not so much how i do it, more that he would do it better/more often. He can also tend to be on the OCD side. He would often end up doing it himself. I used to feel guilty as I was the SAHM and would then get all defensive and it would get to me. I eventually realised that his standards were unreasonable and I stopped feeling guilty. I just say that I wouldn't do it any better even if I had all the time in the world and if he wants to do it then it is up to him.

Flouncy - exactly what I was going to say :)

Stealth - is there an element of it being his Mum's house so knowing how she likes things done? Also, I think he needs some help with his OCD. It is one thing to correct someone if they use the wrong product or hang the washing badly so it wont dry properly or even (to a degree) if the put the DVD's away all jumbled up, but to have a go because you put them away in the right place but not in the right order then he needs help. He needs to see that it's his responsibilty to ensure his OCD doesn't affect you more than absolutely unavoidable (ie waiting for him while he does something 'the right way' or something like that). He mustn't allow his OCD to rule the house and over rule your way of doing things for yourself.

YANBU Tell him to either stop criticising or do it himself.

I'm crap at housework. I freely admit it. He'll always see dirt where I don't. But thats just me, and thats just him. Different people, different standards. Yes obviously annoying as hell to each other, but you have to find how to live with that in each other without it ultimately becoming a battle for power over who is right.

I think you can tell someone how to do it better, but you have to be massively sensitive about how you do that and how that is going to come across to the other party. And you've got to get the message across about how much you appreciate what they HAVE done rather than it coming across as kicking them in the teeth for making an effort. Whilst not be patronising at the same time. Not a task which is as easy as you might think.

I see a lot of threads about similar stuff and I do wonder about how being critical about cooking/homework etc affects how much a partner is willing to do it and how much this can and does escalate into a bigger problem in the relationship. I wish I could try and get the message across better about how you have to be willing to compromise at some point on this for the sake of your relationship and also be more encouraging to get help round the house in the face of someone perhaps not very good at it/not so bothered about it.

FlouncyMcFlouncer I do agree, about washing, but only to a point. Despite doing it the 'wrong way' for years I somehow managed to never have smelly clothes.

StealthPenguin, the DVD thing sounds very familiar too.

Um well, first thought is it's not all 'your housework' and I hope he has 'his housework' too, even if you're a SAHP.

I think you just have to discuss and agree what the essential tasks are and how often and in what way it is essential that they are done. If you each have your own methods beyond that, fine but if either of you is not meeting basic standards, so the job is actually not done properly, that's no use and needs to be talked about.

We share housework pretty evenly (and I fully intend it to remain that way once I'm on mat leave and indeed forever). DP had lower standards about most things from the start and is naturally quite messy in his approach. I have had to explain how some jobs need to be done, especially hanging up my clothes. I realised he has nothing as delicate as some of my tops, so didn't realise that by hanging them unevenly and sticking a peg on the upper arm, rather than shoulder, for example, the garment dries misshapen in a way that can't be ironed out and has to be re-washed. The first time I saw a clothes rack that he'd filled, my internal reaction was that if I'd done that aged eight I'd have been told to do it again properly, it just struck me as deliberately incompetent. After explaining things patiently a number of times and knowing he was capable of doing it well, I did feel that his sometimes continuing to do it badly was a deliberate piss-take and disrespectful, so felt quite justified at being cross. I then found his 'do it yourself then' and sulky reactions petulant, childish and absurd.

So, there's a 'doing it properly threshold', below which it's legitimate for the other person to point out the problem and explain a better way, preferably patiently and not while you're in a hurry but, above which, it's interfering and being a hyper-critical smartarse to do so!

I've got some OCD qwualities too though, that sometimes drive him crazy. For example, if he unloads the dishwasher he'll never put the plates back with the set they come in - he'll just put them all in a jumble with small plates on the bottom and in the middle and on the top and the large plates balancing on top of things! So I have to organize the cupboards

He's just a pain in the bum, and it gets worse if he's in a bad mood because it's something he can pick on quite easily. Most of the time he's lighthearted about it but it's starting to really drag my mood down to the point where I don't want to do any housework full-stop! It's a bit of a sore spot...

And he's a bloody perfectionist - he can see a speck of dust in a blizzard!

I wouldn't say wanting small plates to be on top of larger ones was OCD - I don't have OCD but I'd prefer not to have to field a teetering stack of crockery every time I open a cupboard!

You're right! I store it pointy-side down!!!

The only reason someone would store it pointy-side up is if you had those things that fall out of the wall!

Flouncey - but it isn't just that, it's that I want them to be in the correct sets as well. In descending order : plain plates, then plates with the blue ribbon around the edge, then the patterned plates, then the large Sunday Best plates.

You need more plate storage space - separate piles!

Sometimes there are annoyingly simple tricks that eliminate problems e.g. anything that needs hand-washing goes in a laundry bag, which sits in the laundry basket but distinct, et voila, no more shrunken favourite mohair tops.

I recognise that my preference for tinned food to be stacked neatly with labels facing forwards is not an 'essential', so that, I do myself (just do, just cos), whoever has put the shopping away.

I do think agreeing standards and being able to discuss them when calm is the only way to go.

pointy end down

Pointy end up!!