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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be very annoyed that DH 'accidentally' read my FB/facebook messages?

37 replies

MeghanMc · 23/02/2012 16:00

DH is furious now because he 'accidentally' read my FB message. Apparently he was checking his FB message and accidentally clicked on my FB and saw a 'ranting' session that I had nearly a month ago with a friend about how rubbish our husband is. Hmm

DH did apologise (if it is even acceptableAngry) for reading it but he basically asked me do I have anything to say to myself?!?!?! Shock

I said woman has ranting moment, we get it off our chest and forget about it. I can't even remember what I said and I have to read the FB message again. To cut long story short, I basically said he doesn't help me out at home and I am so tired by the end of the day that I just want to go to my bed. My friend suggested a 'leg over' for DH and usually that works a treat for man and they ll be willing to help out around the house more. So I replied saying I was too tired at the end of the day (looking after 1.5 yrs DD and all the housework), and I don't see why I should do him a favour and give him a sh*g/leg over.

DH obviously read that and basically flew off the handle. I told him that was a month ago and things has improved since then (he sort of helping me out a little bit more) and sex life has improved (since i am less tired). Anyway, I am at work now and knowing that I will be going home to a furious husband is not very appealing!!!

Am I in the wrong for ranting our shortcomings to friend? Envy

OP posts:
EauDeLaPoisson · 23/02/2012 16:01

Do you share your husband?

redrubyshoes · 23/02/2012 16:03

I think my DH would be hurt and I would (hopefully) have discussed the issue with him before ranting off to a friend.

Meet him halfway tonight but yes YANBU that he read your messages but post and delete in future.

usualsuspect · 23/02/2012 16:04

Is he annoyed with his other wife as well?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 23/02/2012 16:04

I don't think you were wrong to say what you did, we all have a moan about husbands sometimes. In the same way that men probably do about their wives.

You shouldn't expect him not to be pissed of though. Reading that stuff has got to hurt!

You both need to admit where you went wrong, apologise for what you both did/said and get over it.

It's not worth more than a day of sulking on either side. Two days tops!

Nesbo · 23/02/2012 16:07

DW and I share a computer and have both done quite a few clicks on FB before realising we were on the other's account, so I can see how this might happen (and if you saw your name mentioned how many people would honestly stop reading).

Anyway, people do sometimes moan to friends, but then people also feel betrayed when they see evidence of their parner's moaning behind their back, and things always look worse in black and white. I expect he also feels humiliated because you were discussing/making light of quite intimate stuff (which I suspect women do far more then men and it does generally upset us a bit!).

I would apologise for being ranty to your friend (even if you don't really mean it) but perhaps also use it as an opportunity to talk to him about the stuff you were feeling ranty about, perhaps together you can improve those things?

eurochick · 23/02/2012 16:08

I think you should challenge him to think about whether he has ever moaned about you down the pub or whatever. It's the same thing, just through a different medium.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 23/02/2012 16:08

Snoopers never hear any good about themselves!!!!

Let that be a lesson to him Grin

'accidentally' - hmm yes of course

TimothyClaypoleLover · 23/02/2012 16:08

Wouldn't bother me if my DH "accidentally" saw my FB messages but then I am not in the habit of ranting on FB about him! I save all my ranting for face to face meetings which I guess is what you should have done.

Think you are being a little unreasonable to be annoyed as DH probably feels hurt/embarrassed to think you are ranting to friends rather than talking to him.

YouOldSlag · 23/02/2012 16:08

Turn it around. If you'd read him saying those things about you, and talking about giving you a shag to sweeten you up, would you be OK with it?

Original poster
MeghanMc · 23/02/2012 16:08

LOL, I have learnt the hard way, had deleted all the messages now. I have discussed the issues before (too many times) and the last time nearly ended up as a divorced!

He views that he is overwork and I still expect him to help out with housework at night. Obviously I am working 3 days a week doesn't count!

I know he is hurt as we have been messaging but he just can't seem to grasp the concept that this was a month ago and things have improved. Envy

And NO, we don't share a husband, my friend was ranting about her husband as well [shock}

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 23/02/2012 16:10

was it on your wall? or in your private messages? I would be pretty pissed off if my DP read my private messages tbh

mojitomania · 23/02/2012 16:12

Ooops OP Grin

Neither of you is in the wrong, it's all an expected outcome really.

You never know, it may finally sink in!

Jux · 23/02/2012 16:12

Well, now he knows that if he wants a shag he should do more chores. Looks like a win-win situation to me.

Original poster
MeghanMc · 23/02/2012 16:15

YouOldSlag If he is willing to sweeten things up for me that would be a change! I am usually too tired to even think about shagging!

His contribution to 'housechore' is run the bath for DD and occasionally keeping an eye on her (I usually bath her and dress her), make her cereal at night (but I feed and clean her) and may be played with her at night if he is not too tired.

As a family, he usually carries DD stuff and drive (even that he complains). DD is very clingy to me so I do everything for her. BTW, DH doesn't do much DIY/gardening/taking out bins/cleaning car/thing husband should do either.

OP posts:
Nesbo · 23/02/2012 16:17

Hope he doesn't come across your MN account as well!

Original poster
MeghanMc · 23/02/2012 16:19

It was my private message, in fact, it was on a chating window on FB and FB automatically stored the chat as private message. A lesson to be learnt! Wink

Well, I really hope it sinks in! Grin

I was ranting to a good friend from oversea, I have learnt to do a face-to-face rant for next time, the hard way though Sad

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 23/02/2012 16:20

Never put anything in writing that you wouldn't like to have quote back at you!

Noellefielding · 23/02/2012 16:23

YABU imo.

Facebook isn't private, mad to put intimate stuff there. It's too easy to leave it open. Only place to rant with some safety is verbally when not overheard. Even then you can be quoted.

I know loads of people do but you have to weigh up the cost of it being read by the subject.

frasersmummy · 23/02/2012 16:23

how could you think if you put something on facebook that it wouldnt get back to dh even if he didnt log in as you

once you put something online it is not private.... it just takes someone on your friends list to copy and paste it and before you know it your private rantings to a friend can go halfway round the world so yabu

i always think if someone could be offended.. dont post it on line

Original poster
MeghanMc · 23/02/2012 16:24

Nesbo I hope he doens't come across MN too! May be should change my nick!

I have learnt the hard way not to put ranty conversation in writing! Might apologise to him about ranty (with sensible hat, thanks to all your wise advice), but still annoy at him.... i doubt this will settle tonight as quite a few 'words' has been exchange this afternoon through messaging! going to be another long evening! Hmm

OP posts:
Noellefielding · 23/02/2012 16:24

It's like those girls, were they from harvard? who scored on the carnal talents of a bunch of guys and it was forwarded to half the world and the girl ended up looking like a strumpet and it did her no good.

Original poster
MeghanMc · 23/02/2012 16:26

The messages weren't on my wall, ithe conversation was private messages. In hindsight, I should have called my friend and have the rant... saying that, children/husband might be around the corner! Confused

OP posts:
Clytaemnestra · 23/02/2012 16:27

There is a difference between posting it up on your wall though and sending it as a private message to a friend.

I'd be furious in your position OP.

Noellefielding · 23/02/2012 16:30

Of course it's maddening but it's just not a private space is it? It appears to be private but the technology invites mistakes and barriers are always being breached. My niece specialises in getting into her brother's fb page and putting abominable opinions up attibuted to him and horrific pictures and confessions to crimes etc. It's just so dangerous. I don't use faceboook, but I've spent my life moving on and I think a lot of the people who get in touch aren't necessarily the ones you want to be in touch with... but that's just my opinion!
It's generational too isn't it up to a point?

usualsuspect · 23/02/2012 16:31

Its ok to rant to your friends on fb chat , just delete it all next time Grin

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