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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have suggested that my friend put a pull up pant on her 3yr old DS when I'm looking after him?

97 replies

choceyes · 21/02/2012 11:02

I have a 3.3yr old DS and a 18 month old DD. I work 3 days a week. My close friend has asked me if I could look after her DS2 (3.4yrs) from 8am-5pm this thursday on one of my days off. She has an older DS who is 5 and in school, so maybe something came up at school which he has to attend (I have gone to their house on previous occasions, twice to look after her DS2 for a couple of hours while she attended a parents meeting) or she needs to go to the hospital or something, but I didn't pry.

It is a big ask, as I will be looking after 3 littles (and 2 of my own are bad enough!!) for awhole day.

She is potty training her DS and he is still prone to accidents, understandably and she says he will have an accident if he not constantly reminded to go on the potty (why she hasn't just trained him on to the toilet, rather than the potty I don't know...she carried the potty everywhere). My DS will have an occassional poo accident if he is distracted, but on the whole, genereally will go to the toilet for wees and poos, and he can hold on for a few mins till I find a toilet, so never had any accidents while we are out and about.

I have texted my friend to ask whether she could put a pull up pant on him, so that if we go out (we are planning to even if it's just the park), even if he does have an accident he won't soil all his clothes, so that it reguires changing of not just pants, but trousers, socks and even shoes. My DS was in pull ups till about a month ago, till he reliably asked for the toilet everytime. He never wet him pull up pants, but it was there "just in case". I did this as I didn't want to be housebound and also as I have a younger DC, but not find a toilet quick enough etc etc.

I haven't heard from her since. Do you think she is offended or irritated by my request? Is it a no no for a potty trained child to use a pull up as a one off? Will she be worrying it will set him back? I had none of these concerns with my own DS as he never differentiated btw a pull up and a proper pant, i.e he wouldn't wee in it, just because it was there...

WIBU requesting this?

OP posts:
lesley33 · 21/02/2012 11:10

YANBU requesting it. But for some children pull up pants do seem to make it harder to toilet train. Probably wouldn't make a difference for a day, but she might be worried it will.

squeakytoy · 21/02/2012 11:17

You do sound a bit "judgy" Confused

Anonymumous · 21/02/2012 11:21

Are you sure she received the text message? Why don't you just phone her and see what she says?

halcyondays · 21/02/2012 11:21

Yanbu, you are doing her a favour and it is difficult being out and about with a potty training child who is prone to accidents, especially if you have other children with you. What can work well is to keep a child in their pants and put a pull up over them if going out somewhere, that way they are still in pants but you don't have to change their whole outfit. And then keep rwminding/taking thwm to thw toilet as usual. We have done this with dd2 when going to somewhere like soft play where we don't want her to have an accident.

I don't think one day in pull ups would set him back I'd he is doing reasonably well with potty training.

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 11:27

Am I being judgy? I didn't realise I was. I thought I was trying to be understanding.

Halcynodays - that is a great idea actually. Thanks!

OP posts:
LoonyRationalist · 21/02/2012 11:27

Err yes YABU. As you have said there are many reasons she may not want to use pull ups. My DD2 gave all her pull ups to "the babies" and we went cold turkey. I'm afraid for me that even for 1 day it would undermine our potty training.

Sounds like you don't want to look after her DS tbh. So he might have an accident. If he does you change his clothes - no real drama there tbh. Either get on with it or withdraw the offer.

Re the potty yes you are being super judgy - some children really don't like the toilet - I carried the potty around for dd1 for a while as she wasn't comfortable on the toilet. DD2 has no such qualms.

ValarMorghulis · 21/02/2012 11:31

so she doesn't chose to parent the way you did. why is that difficult to understand?

I think you sound like a not particularly good friend at all and if i were her and saw this i certainly wouldn't be asking you for any help every again.

TubbyDuffs · 21/02/2012 11:34

I don't blame you not wanting to have to change him if you are at the park with your two young children too, it would be a bit of a pita trying to keep them all under control!

Can you spend the day round the house/garden with the potty handy if she doesn't want to use pullups?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/02/2012 11:34

Yes YABU - she is potty training him....putting him in pull ups will totally defeat the object of what she is trying to do. She is probably trying to think of a tactful way of telling you she doesnt want to!

If you cant be bothered with it then dont have him.........flip the tables - if you were potty training your youngest and then she asked you to put a nappy on him what would you think??? Fuck off probably!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/02/2012 11:36

...and actually, if you are really a close friend, it's not a big ask at all!

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 11:36

OK yes I guess I was being judgy about the potty vs toilet thing. All children are different, I've only potty trained my DS who only used a potty in the first few days, so I don't know how others potty train.

Yes I'd rather not look after her DS really as it is my day off with the kids, and I want to give them my full attention. But I can't say no to a good friend can't I?

OP posts:
Journey · 21/02/2012 11:38

YANBU. I would just tell her to put him in pull ups for the day though rather than ask! It's not fair expecting you to look after her DS for a whole day and have to clean up any accidents when you already have two little ones to look after. If it was only for a couple of hours then perhaps it would be okay but 8am - 5pm is too long.

If she was a good friend she would of offered to do this in the first place.

messymammy · 21/02/2012 11:38

Yabu even one day in pull ups can be a huge disruption to toilet training. And yes you do sound judgey to me, why are you questioning her use of the potty rather than the toilet?

DeWe · 21/02/2012 11:40

Dd1 potty trained very easily with 1 accident on day 1 and that was it. However after a fortnight we were going somewhere and I put a pull up on because we didn't have easy access to the toilet. When we got back she had 3 accidents over the next few hours. It really confused her.

One of mine much preferred the potty, the others used the toilet. The one who didn't like the toilet hated the flush and I think that effected it. Equally well 2 of mine were great about asking for the toilet in plenty of time and had very few accidents and the other would prefer to hold it to the last minute and consequently have more accidents.

You do sound very judgy: "why she hasn't just trained him on to the toilet, rather than the potty I don't know" "My DS will have an occassional poo accident if he is distracted, but on the whole, genereally will go to the toilet for wees and poos, and he can hold on for a few mins till I find a toilet, so never had any accidents while we are out and about." "I had none of these concerns with my own DS " Comes across as "I've done it the right way and she hasn't."

BlueFergie · 21/02/2012 11:40

When I potty trained I didn't use pull ups as I was worried it would set them back. DS1 took a while and was quite accident prone, so I had a potty training bag with wipes, kitchen roll, dettoll spray, nappy bags for soiled clothes, a potty and several changes of clothes. Didn't need to use it too much but it helped to have it.
My mum had him for a day and night over the ad period and what she did when out with him was put a sanitary pad in his pants!! He didn't realise as it wasn't a nappy and it gave he some reassurance that the soiling would be minimised if he did had an accident. DH wasn't impressed though!

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 11:40

flip the tables - if you were potty training your youngest and then she asked you to put a nappy on him what would you think??? Fuck off probably!

Not at all!! I would do whatever made my friends life easier if I wanted her to look after my DC for a whole day!

OP posts:
Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 11:42

It is a big ask looking after an extra 3yr old for a whole day actually regardless of close I am to her as a friend. I struggle with just the two of them on a normal day.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 21/02/2012 11:43

you're doing her a huge favour... she would just have to suck this one up i think. (although the sanpro not a bad compromise).

WilsonFrickett · 21/02/2012 11:44

But I can't say no to a good friend can't I?

You can, and TBH it sounds like you should have. However, you can't now as it would likely be impossible for her to find replacement childcare. I'd just phone her up.

I guarantee you your 18mo will potty train differently to your 3 yo. Every child is different, remember?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/02/2012 11:45

Well if it is that big a deal and you think it is too big a favour to do her then just say no.....sorted!

WilsonFrickett · 21/02/2012 11:45

I'd just phone her up about the nappy thing I meant, dur.

MrsHeffley · 21/02/2012 11:45

Pull ups aren't pants they're nappies.Bit degrading for the child in big boy pants to have to revert to nappies to suit grown ups.

Would totally disrupt the potty training process.

Journey · 21/02/2012 11:47

If her friend's DS is having regular accidents at 3.4 years old then I think being in pull ups for the day is hardly a big deal. Presumably the op's friend has being trying to potty training her son for about the last six months without success so one day in a nappy is hardly going to have a huge impact when potty isn't going well in the first place!

ReduceRecycleRegift · 21/02/2012 11:49

it does sound like you SHOULD have said no in the first place, when you ask a favour you hope the other person will only say yes if they are happy to do it in general, and PARTICULARLY when it comes to babysitting - I wouldn't want anyone to mind my LO if he wasn't really wanted there IYKWIM

I wouldn't mind doing it, changing pants and trousers takes a few seconds, YANBU IN THEORY though for asking, If I was sending the child I'ld send in nappies, but it sounds a LITTLE bit like you didn't have the guts to say no so are now trying to put her off and push her to find someone else?

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 11:49

Sorry yes I was judgy about the potty thing. I guess I've been lucky with DS in that he likes the toilet more. I'm sure it will be different with DD.

I could have said no, but I'd have come across as being a cow and unhelpful. I didn't want to let my friend down. In the past I've travelled nrealy 1.5hours each way with a small baby and toddler in tow to look after her DS for a couple of hours. She doesn't have family help at all (neither do I actually)

OP posts: