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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have suggested that my friend put a pull up pant on her 3yr old DS when I'm looking after him?

97 replies

choceyes · 21/02/2012 11:02

I have a 3.3yr old DS and a 18 month old DD. I work 3 days a week. My close friend has asked me if I could look after her DS2 (3.4yrs) from 8am-5pm this thursday on one of my days off. She has an older DS who is 5 and in school, so maybe something came up at school which he has to attend (I have gone to their house on previous occasions, twice to look after her DS2 for a couple of hours while she attended a parents meeting) or she needs to go to the hospital or something, but I didn't pry.

It is a big ask, as I will be looking after 3 littles (and 2 of my own are bad enough!!) for awhole day.

She is potty training her DS and he is still prone to accidents, understandably and she says he will have an accident if he not constantly reminded to go on the potty (why she hasn't just trained him on to the toilet, rather than the potty I don't know...she carried the potty everywhere). My DS will have an occassional poo accident if he is distracted, but on the whole, genereally will go to the toilet for wees and poos, and he can hold on for a few mins till I find a toilet, so never had any accidents while we are out and about.

I have texted my friend to ask whether she could put a pull up pant on him, so that if we go out (we are planning to even if it's just the park), even if he does have an accident he won't soil all his clothes, so that it reguires changing of not just pants, but trousers, socks and even shoes. My DS was in pull ups till about a month ago, till he reliably asked for the toilet everytime. He never wet him pull up pants, but it was there "just in case". I did this as I didn't want to be housebound and also as I have a younger DC, but not find a toilet quick enough etc etc.

I haven't heard from her since. Do you think she is offended or irritated by my request? Is it a no no for a potty trained child to use a pull up as a one off? Will she be worrying it will set him back? I had none of these concerns with my own DS as he never differentiated btw a pull up and a proper pant, i.e he wouldn't wee in it, just because it was there...

WIBU requesting this?

OP posts:
Hardgoing · 21/02/2012 12:25

I know what you mean:) No real trouble as in you don't mind one more. We often have one more around our house. If I really can't take one more, I wouldn't say yes and then get a bit miffed about it later. It sounds like both mums are in similar situations, without family/other childcare, and so the opportunity to do a favour (and get one back) is really useful for them. If it isn't, and the OP doesn't want to do it, then best to say no in future.

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:35

I've texted her asking what her DS will like to eat while he is here, so we can have things that he likes. And said that we are looking forward to having him here. I didn't want her thinking I don't want him around or something, if she thought I was being arsy about the pull ups thing.

Others that have carried a potty around...how on earth do you do it?! I even bought one of those petit pottette thingies for my DS but realised that if I put it in the buggy then I have no room for anything else, and as I don't drive, I really need my buggy storage space! So it was lucky that DS didn't actually need to use the potty.

OP posts:
Sanuk · 21/02/2012 12:37

OP, has this friend ever helped you out by looking after your kids? Or, if you've never asked her to, has she offered to do a return match?

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:38

She's replied to me saying that her DS is looking forward to it too, and the reason that she needs childcare is because she needs to go on a school excursion with her DS1 and cant' take DS2 as well. hhmm....now if I was her, I'd just not go on the excursion Confused

OP posts:
Anonymumous · 21/02/2012 12:38

I put the potty in a bag and hung it on the handles of the buggy - it wasn't exactly difficult! Confused

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:39

But I do get that she wants to spend some quality time with her DS1, I'm always feeling guilty that I don't spend enough time with my DS since my DD came along.

OP posts:
Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:40

My double buggy is a phil and teds and can't hang anything off it without it banging on the head of the child in the back.

OP posts:
Sanuk · 21/02/2012 12:44

I've had to miss lots of DD's school trips because I have toddler DS. I wouldn't dream of asking a friend to have him for 9am-3:30pm (our school trips practically always fall within school hours).

halcyondays · 21/02/2012 12:49

Is there a reason she needs to go on the trip with her DS, do you know if he has any kind of SN or toileting problems? Does she have a partner or is she a single mum?

Sanuk · 21/02/2012 12:51

There are a couple of children I know of at DD's school who aren't allowed to go on school trips unless a parent (or equivalent) comes with them, due to their behavioural issues. So I suppose her son could fall in that category.

GColdtimer · 21/02/2012 12:56

So you are looking after a toddler all day when you have two toddlers of your own to look after and people here think you are unreasonable for asking her to put a pull up on him. Hmm

You are doing her a massive favour so I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Can't actually believe the flack you are getting.

I used to put a pull up on over DD's knickers when we went out so she would still have the feeling of wetting herself but we wouldn't have a mess to clear up.

BallerinaBetty · 21/02/2012 12:57

I used to be a cm and had a phil and teds double buggy - i used the paniers on the side for the travel potty stuff. Or well wrapped in carrier bags in the basket under the childs legs. Or the older ones walk and you pile stuff up on the bottom seat

I dont think you were unreasonable at all - I think the idea of the pants with pull up over the top is a good one and some of my potty training mindees did this (at parents request). It helps when they are prone to accidents - sometimes they wee a little, feel the wet and are able to stop themselves.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 21/02/2012 13:03

Did she actually mention the pull up when she replied? Maybe she just hadn't had the chance to reply yet or just thought it was a reasonable request and she didn't need to specifically acknowledge it.

bradbourne · 21/02/2012 13:04

YANBU.

When it came to nappies and "accidents", I never minded in the slightest cleaning up my own children. I find it completely different dealing with other children. Irrational maybe, but that's just how it is for me.

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 13:05

No, her DS1 doesn't have any behavioural issues or SN as far as I aware, nothing I have ever noticed or that she's told me. He doesn't like school much, but he is a calm, obidient child, somewhat prone to whinging, but I hear 5yr olds can be like that sometimes! So I don't know why she has to go with him.
looking after DD.
She has a DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 13:06

ignore the "looking after DD" bit

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 21/02/2012 13:09

Of course you're not unreasonable, someone said earlier she may have good reasons for not putting him in pull ups, but so what? She can do it her way on her watch, but when you're asking someone else to do a full day of childcare you surely have to make some compromises. He doesn't sound anywhere near trained anyway if he's still having several accidents a day?

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 13:10

bradbourne - yes that's like me! I didn't want to say it before, as no doubt I will come across as being silly, but I'm really not looking forward to wiping another childs bottom, and cleaning up poo accidents....
I think we are programmed to find our own DCs poo or wee slightly tolerable, but dealing with other kids, it's just...different.

OP posts:
Sanuk · 21/02/2012 13:12

you haven't answered my Q about whether she has offered to do a return match of childcare for you

ReduceRecycleRegift · 21/02/2012 13:16

maybe she is trying to get back to work and hoping to use being a helper at school to get her NVQ to be a TA?

doesn't sound like a sensitive reason so she probably should have told you, but since you seem to do a lot of comminication through text it's easy to miss bits.

BlueFergie · 21/02/2012 13:20

I used a jan sport backpack type thing for my potty training bag. Everything including the potty (which was small one) fitted in that. It was light enough as it was all light weight stuff. Just carried it on my back when it with buggy. Simples

Original poster
choceyes · 21/02/2012 13:22

I don't want to ring her from work, so hence the texting.

Sanuk - no not offered, but I don't really need the childcare TBH. She lives quite far away too, so as I don't drive it is a PITA to get to hers. She doesnt' drive either but her DH does, so he is dropping her DS off at mine.

Reduce - She has QTS already. So maybe she is trying to get a job at the school?

OP posts:
BabyGiraffes · 21/02/2012 13:32

YANBU about the pull up which will make no difference to his potty training.
I do find your 'friend' quite unreasonable to expect you to babysit for a full day, without giving a reason. You are not a childminder and this is one of your few days off. In your case I'd learn to say no to her because best friends don't use you like that.

diddl · 21/02/2012 13:34

Well I think that it´s a bloody big favour that you´re doing OP.

I can´t believe that some people think that it isn´t a big ask.

It would have to be an emergency for me to ask tbh.

And I´d be supplying whatever I could to make it as easy as possible for you!

BabyGiraffes · 21/02/2012 13:38

Oops, sorry, hadn't read the last few posts. A school trip is no reason (her dh could take a day off for example) and I have not heard of a trip lasting all day either. I really think you are too friendly and accommodating but maybe I'm just a mean bitch... I'd do anything for my friends if there is a real need and they would do (and have done) the same. But this all seems a little one-sided to me.