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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have suggested that my friend put a pull up pant on her 3yr old DS when I'm looking after him?

97 replies

choceyes · 21/02/2012 11:02

I have a 3.3yr old DS and a 18 month old DD. I work 3 days a week. My close friend has asked me if I could look after her DS2 (3.4yrs) from 8am-5pm this thursday on one of my days off. She has an older DS who is 5 and in school, so maybe something came up at school which he has to attend (I have gone to their house on previous occasions, twice to look after her DS2 for a couple of hours while she attended a parents meeting) or she needs to go to the hospital or something, but I didn't pry.

It is a big ask, as I will be looking after 3 littles (and 2 of my own are bad enough!!) for awhole day.

She is potty training her DS and he is still prone to accidents, understandably and she says he will have an accident if he not constantly reminded to go on the potty (why she hasn't just trained him on to the toilet, rather than the potty I don't know...she carried the potty everywhere). My DS will have an occassional poo accident if he is distracted, but on the whole, genereally will go to the toilet for wees and poos, and he can hold on for a few mins till I find a toilet, so never had any accidents while we are out and about.

I have texted my friend to ask whether she could put a pull up pant on him, so that if we go out (we are planning to even if it's just the park), even if he does have an accident he won't soil all his clothes, so that it reguires changing of not just pants, but trousers, socks and even shoes. My DS was in pull ups till about a month ago, till he reliably asked for the toilet everytime. He never wet him pull up pants, but it was there "just in case". I did this as I didn't want to be housebound and also as I have a younger DC, but not find a toilet quick enough etc etc.

I haven't heard from her since. Do you think she is offended or irritated by my request? Is it a no no for a potty trained child to use a pull up as a one off? Will she be worrying it will set him back? I had none of these concerns with my own DS as he never differentiated btw a pull up and a proper pant, i.e he wouldn't wee in it, just because it was there...

WIBU requesting this?

OP posts:

Firawla · 21/02/2012 11:50

I don't think its that big of an ask really, you have your own 3 year old anyway so will be a playmate for him. I wouldn't put a child back in nappies/pullup when they are toilet training personally. If you really had to then i think the pants and pull up over that will be better than just the pull ups.

toddlerama · 21/02/2012 11:52

I think if she wants you to look after him, she will have to go along with the things that will make this easier for you. If she doesn't like it, she can look after him herself or pay someone to do it all her way. YANBU at all. I would have asked the same thing.

arghmyear · 21/02/2012 11:52

I think that it is too big an ask seeing as she hasn't given a (good) reason - asking a friend already with 2 little ones to take a 3yo for a whole day and having to cope with accidents/clothes changes should only be done as a last resort IMO.

It would lead me to wonder whether she was a freeloader off to have fun because she hasn't given a reason. Of couse, she could have a good reason but IMO it is just manners to share this reason in the event of such a big ask.

lesley33 · 21/02/2012 11:54

tbh I don't think it is a big ask to look after a dc of a close friend. Yes it will make your life more difficult - but in my rl close friends help each other out in this way and don't see it is an issue. I know not everyone is the same, but it surprises me on here sometimes how little some people seem willing to help out friends.

Lexie1970 · 21/02/2012 11:56

So many of the others have said what I think - each child is different in their approach to potty training. I was lucky my son took to it like a duck to water and was out of nappies day and night by 2 1/2. If there was another it is quite likely to be a totally different scenario.....

Pull-ups don't help potty training they just hinder and prolong it in my view, and it sounds like your friend doesn't use them either so if you are going to help her out would it really be that much of a PITA to not venture too far for just 1 day?

Is it really that difficult to look after an extra child to help out a friend? I looked after a friends son a year younger than mine and baby in arms for a day to help them out and just got on with it - that is what you do for friends - help them out?

MrsHeffley · 21/02/2012 12:01

Don't get the fear of wee puddles either-Dettol spray and Basics cleaning cloths.I've looked after countless kids for friends and had my own 3 under 18 months so potty trained 3 pretty much in one go.A few puddles aren't really the end of the world.

This modern day fear of germs and dirt doesn't do kids any good.

Original poster

choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:03

arghmyear - She is not the kind of person to freeload and go off to have fun, not at all. She's not even using up her 15hours free nursery care for her DS because she doesn't want to be away from him. So there must be a genuine situation, most proabbly something to do with her DS's school I think. Altough I think it is odd of her not have told me the reason.

lesley33 - I do help her out, see my previous posts. I just don't want to be cleaning up poos and wees off my floors when there is an inquisitive 18 month old around who is prone to putting everything in her mouth and getting tummy bugs, and it is bad enough having to deal with my DS's poo accidents and poo stained clothes when out and about, but having to deal with another childs poo accidents is another matter altogether! I could never be a nursery worker!

OP posts:

Piffpaffpoff · 21/02/2012 12:04

If a friend of mine was looking after my child for me for the whole day, for free and on her day off, I would pretty much go along with any request she made as long as it was legal and not dangerous! So therefore I think YANBU.

Catsdontcare · 21/02/2012 12:05

It's just one day and she's a good friend. I hate having to ask babysitting favours so would feel crap if I picked up your vibe about not really wanting to help.

OhChristFenton · 21/02/2012 12:06

What you have asked is not unreasonable at all, it's sensible.

But is it possible she has misunderstood? If someone had my nearly toilet trained child for the day and didn't bother with the TT, just left him in pull-ups without reminding him to go to the toilet then I would be a bit miffed too.

I think you need to chat with her about it, let her know you will be reminding him etc, but it's just to save the upset and trauma if he has an accident while with you.

By the way I do think it is a big ask to have a child all day when you have two of your own.

Original poster

choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:07

I don't know whether it will be difficult looking after him too, it just depends on so many things. If they fight and bicker over toys, hit and push my DD, gran toys off her, so that I can't put her down, it will be a nightmare. But if they play together well and everybody is in a good mood and if the weather is nice enough for everybody to go out to the park, it will be lovely! So it totally depends.

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 21/02/2012 12:08

As for not telling you the reason well I wouldn't take that too personally when we were going through the process of getting a diagnosis for ds we were very vague about all our appointments and just didn't feel up to talking about it with people at the time. I'm sure she is incredibly gratefully for your help I know I would be

Sanuk · 21/02/2012 12:10

Well, I can see why she'd rather not put a pull-up on him, but I think she's cheeky asking you to look after him for a full day and help potty train him at the same time without giving you a damn good reason. It's a bloody big ask IMO.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 21/02/2012 12:10

it's a big ask if you have to keep checking with the kid every five minutes 'do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?do you need the toilet?'

hated it with my own kids, and neither of them took more than a week. that said, i was happy enough to put them into pull ups for long car journeys or plane journeys after that and it didn't 'disrupt their potty training'. it's no big deal.

Sanuk · 21/02/2012 12:13

It's also a big ask when you have another child just out of nappies plus one still in nappies.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 21/02/2012 12:13

I think YANBU - she's asking you to have him for a full day when it sounds like he's still in the early stages of potty training. I think you should say to her that you will do your best to encourage him to go to the potty but that you don't want to be tied to the house with 3 young children and if you're out and about you don't want to be messing about changing full changes of clothes. If she doesn't like that she can pay someone to take him. You're not a childminder you're a friend doing her a favour.

arghmyear · 21/02/2012 12:13

lesley33 - it is often the case (certainly is for me) that people have had their willingness to help abused in the past. That is why you see such attitudes on here generally. One particular "friend" has done this to me in the past and now I am really careful about what I agree to in general with anyone and am sceptical as to the reasons why people want childcare from me.

There are plenty of freeloaders about who make unreasonable requests and that makes it hard for people to distinguish the reasonable requests from the unreasonable ones. The OP's friend should have provided a reason IMO so that the OP would know that she was doing a much needed favour, rather than providing free childcare to a freeloader.

Original poster

choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:14

OhChristFenton - yes it is possible that she did misunderstand. Maybe she is very anti using pull ups, and does think it will hinder her DS. FWIW, they worked really well for my DS. But each to their own. I do intend to remind him to go to the potty every half hour or so, and have already adjusted our plans so we are not more than a few mins away from the house. I won't just leave him to wee in his pull ups, ofcourse not!

OP posts:

Sockspence · 21/02/2012 12:14

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask for him to wear a pull-up to make your life easier.

And yes, it is a big ask to look after an extra pre-schooler when you already have two.

But If I were this mate, I'd be mortified if I knew how much you resented looking after my son.

blackeyedsusan · 21/02/2012 12:15

not unreasonable. she is getting free child care for the day.. you don' t wwant to be scrubbing wee and poo out of your furniture. keep reminding him to go to the toilet.

Hardgoing · 21/02/2012 12:16

It is a big ask but if I asked a friend, I would only want them to do it if they were willing and it was no real trouble. If actually, you don't want to do it and find it all a bit much and are faffing about pull-ups, I'd rather you had said no. The easiest way to sort this is to call her on the phone, saying can we discuss arrangements for when your child comes, and chat through how things will go including potty training. I think texting is the wrong medium as it sounds like you are telling her to do this.

I wouldn't have wanted mine to be put back in pull-ups during potty training, but equally I wouldn't have wanted the stress of worrying they may have wet themselves when it seems a very big deal to you. I get you don't want the mess, but you will still have to change a rather large pull-up if they go in it.

HomemadeCakes · 21/02/2012 12:16

I don't think you are necessarily BU but I can see her point. We didn't use pull-ups at all as certainly in the case of my DD, it gave her mixed messages.

YADBU about the potty though. My DD was too little to use the toilet, even with a step. She's just too small and being the independent little madam sort that she is, she didn't always want to be taken to the toilet when she was fully trained, she wanted to go on her own. She's been trained now since October and even though she now uses the toilet at home, we still have to take her every time because she's too little to get on/off the toilet on her own, even though she's mastered the wiping on her own and really doesn't need us with her.

I don't think it matters whether children use the toilet or the potty, the fact that they're toilet-trained is a great achievement for any child!

Original poster

choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:16

She is not in the early stages of potty training. She started around 3yrs old, so about 4 months ago. Same time as my DS. I think on the whole her DS is trained, but will forget to go if he is excited or playing (like he would be when my 3yr is around). Totally understandable, and I woudn't expect him not to have an accident, no problem with that. But I'd rather he have his accident in a pull up

OP posts:

Sanuk · 21/02/2012 12:18

Hardgoing - how could looking after a not-quite-toilet-trained 3 year old for a whoel day alongside your own 3yr old and 18 month year old NOT be 'no real trouble'?

Original poster

choceyes · 21/02/2012 12:20

I don't resent looking after her son at all. I'm being honest by saying it will make my life harder on that day. I work 3 days a week, so my 2 days with the 2 DCs are special to me. We will be looking forward to having him on that day, we really will. Like I said I might live to regret it, I might not!

OP posts:

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