to not be a chauffeur to my teenager?

[fber]

FFS. almost 17 year old off on another frickin 'birthday' and I'm expected to pick her up from wherever at 11pm. I said I'd take her (at 8pm) I never said I'd bring her back. I'm SURE she said she was getting a lift back. She must've done, because I would never have left it unclear.

I'm sick of being her fucking taxi. I've just put the two dcs to bed (2&4) and I'm looking forward to getting in my pjs.

I suppose most of the other parents haven't got small dcs, but hey that's my fault for remarrying. Whatever, I'm fucked off with the guilt trip at the knowledge that some parents go into the city centre at stupid fucking oclock to pick up their spoilt brattish fucking teenagers. Of which my dd is fast becoming.

I'm knackered, and I have a sore throat. My dh is too, he's worked all day.

I don't want to do it. AIBU?

I was thrown out left home at 17. I can imagine I'd pick up and drop off if I had a seventeen year old, but quickly get fed up.

OP - you have two DC to care for, your DD shouldn't expect you to be her night time taxi service. It is impossible at times and you need a relaxing evening and a good night's sleep. Good luck :) .

I never got a lift, ever, from my parents because my dad didn't own a car until I went away to college. I always had to walk home with my friend.
Just a question- is there really this huge fear and suspicion of taxi drivers? Does it depend on where you live? Surely if it's a cab from a named company, with ID etc, then he's no more likely to commit horrible crimes against you than the doorman of the bar you just left? I've never felt unsafe travelling alone, late, even drunk, in taxis. They're just ordinary men doing a thankless tiresome job for shit pay.

Hmm. The OP seemed rather angry about having to pick her dd up.

TBH even though she is still 17, she is still your daughter. Parenting her doesn't stop because she is self sufficient and just because you have 2 younger children. My dd is friends with quite a few kids whose parents have all but stopped doing anything for their children because of the needs of younger children. It causes resentment.

If you really didn't want to pick her up, I have no idea why you didn't tell her to get a taxi home, if she had no money left you could have subbed it from next week's allowance. I personally wouldn't want dd to get a bus home late from the city (it can get a bit hairy on the buses when it is late), but it is a moot point anyway, she has a moped so gets around on her own now (and the reduction in taxi services is lovely).

And FWIW I left home at 16 and fended for myself. And as lovely as independence from a young age is, it is also a bit shit, and I would rather be there for dd.

"Taxis scare me actually. Will she sit in the front and risk a groping, or sit in the back and fall prey to child locks?"

Eh? Where do you live where there are child lock disasters?

Very silly to worry about reputable taxi firms imo.

OP is very muddled and needs to calm down and think instead of ranting.

'Taxis scare me actually. Will she sit in the front and risk a groping, or sit in the back and fall prey to child locks? Will she get home at all? At least if you're on a bus, then you're on a bloody great conspicuous bus!'

And then resents going to collect her. Do you know how many minor sexual assaults happen on late night buses OP? Bet it's a lot more than those by ordinary taxi drivers from a reputable firm.
'she's been given lecture after lecture about not abusing her bf's mum by allowing her to bring her home all the time'

Have you talked to bf's parents? What if they are like me and really don't mind?
You project a lot of your own fears and worries onto other people, why?

Can't her and her friends share taxis? If she's in one on her own, tell her to pretend to phone home and say "That's me at X Road" loudly. But that's being ultra cautious.

I found this stage really hard- on one hand I did not want them trying to get lifts from someone who had just passed their driving test, to be getting the late bus home (hairy at the best of times) or to be walking home alone, but I also felt that they shouldn't be relying on DH or I.

At least she wants you to pick her up and she's not catastrophically drunk :)

We live in an area well served by buses and taxis but when a DD is out at a friend's house late at night one of us will usually pick her up.

If we want to have a drink/go out then we make sure they know they will have to get themselves back home.

It is all about consideration. They ask for a lift and we say whether it is convenient or not. We are all (I think) respectful of each other.

Hence I think YABU OP as you seem to be full of contradictions and also full of anger at your DD. I don't understand why.

I would far rather pick up my teenager (at a reasonable time) and know she was home safely

Its part and parcel of having a teenager making sure they get home safe.

Ive been out at half 12 before picking up my son and I wouldn't have it any other way, Ive gone in my PJ's with a coat over the top.

They don't get to a certain age and you think fuck it they on their own now, they are always your responsibility at least until they leave home.

Agree dust - even though buses run at all hours here, I wouldn't want to get on one myself after 10.

Also agree that perhaps her bf's parents don't mind at all. Perhaps they genuinely don't give a monkeys. I always used to take dd's bf home, not because I am some martyr and love traipsing all over giving teenagers lifts, but because I knew his dad would be working shifts (his mum can't drive) and he lives 2 buses away and at the top of a great big hill.

One of my dd's friends lives in what can only be described as the middle of nowhere - up country lanes about 40 minute round trip from the city. That must be a PITA for parents and teens - I thank god I don't live in the country.

I'm not a martyr either GetOrf, I really don't mind giving lifts and if I can't, I say so in advance.

what would you do with younger chldren Fabby? Leave them alone?
We didnt have a car but a 17 yo is an adult to me and can catch a bus. ds2 is nearly 17 and has to be by 11 or stay over. After 11 the night buses start and are very infrequent and town is full of drunks.
Its one of the reasons we chose to live in a city. Public transport. They always have phones on them plus £20 taxi money for an emergency (taxi is £20 from town centre which is 5 miles away)
dd1 lived in London for her A levels and caught the tube home late very often. Course I worried but they have to learn.

The trouble is, how do they develop the necessary skills to keep them safe once they do leave home?

IMO 17 isn't too early to start doing that

GetOrf - it's also the reason I live in the City.

She's almost an adult

If she's old enough to go into town for a night out, she's old enough to make sure she gets a reputable taxi home.

What would you do if she moved out next week?

Same Jamie - I don't know what the attraction of countryside living is, what with marauding cows and the fact you have to drive everywhere.

Original - you are right. number 2 has gone to university. The campus is slightly out of town and he is astonished at the number of 18 and 19 yo's who have never caught a bus. Students who live on campus arent allowed cars (and since when can they afford them?) so they have had to learn but he said the first few weeks the bus stop (most buses go via this university) was full of confused young adults who literally had no clue.
Hard to beleiev you can get to 18 having never caught a bus alone!

That is mad kalskirata. Imagine never having caught a bus or train ever.

I am amazed at how many parents don't have active social lives of their own that they would be home/available to pick up someone at 11/midnght. On a Friday or Sat when i was that age (and even now) my parents would have been out themselves!

There is no way they'd have been able or willing to pick me up. A taxi would have been out of the question too as central London to where i lived was about £40.

It was numerous night buses at 4am or going to clubs which were open all night till the tubes started running again in the morning.

I totally disagree with those who say it is part of your responsibility as a parent. If they want to go out they get themselves home. I will be out/busy myself.

I would just say no OP and probably laugh quite a lot if i was even asked!

I know! Over protective parents? I worried like mad when dd and then ds1 started catching trains all over the country from aged 12 onwards. But its the age I did so, so its normal. I fretted until they phoned and called if they didnt (dd is appalling at remembering to call to say she made it. She is now 20 and still the same)
I fretted when they went into town to watch a film from about that age onwards but it was important they did so.
Mostly we didnt have a car but the year we had a motability car I made it clear the car was for their sister for hospital only and I was not a chauffer.
I think young adults are too mollycoddled nowadays.

I was the same when dd got her first train at 11 or 12 (can't remember exactly). She had no changes and was being met at the other end, but I still text her every 20 mins and worried about train derailments.

Now she gets the train all over, is very self sufficient and, like I say, has a motorbike anyway.

But I still wouldn't mind the odd picking up on a saturday night when other options are not ideal.

When she moves out, she will sort herself out, but whilst she lives at home, and it is no inconvenience to me, I don't mind her asking for favours.

Times I got stuck-

Taxi ordered for 2am and did not turn up. After calling the taxi company for over an hour called my dad. Shite taxi services in this town with no black cabs. And a two hour walk, I could have taken up the passing car's offer.

Two cars full of teenagers going out. One if the drivers leaves early and says he will be back. Doesn't come back. Options are to overload other car or call dad. Called dad.

If they will get shouted at for calling they will take risks

Personally I would rather collect my DC from wherever they are than risk anything bad happening to them.
I dont drive personally but as me and DP have spoken about it and he said thats part of a parents job to become the Taxi driver.

rosie - i think those are good instincts, but (to me) it's a bit like saying "personally, I'll watch them crossing the road until they leave home rather than risk them getting run over" - as parents, we equip them with the skills they need, we support them while they are learning, then we leave them to practice, being there to intervene if necessary.

Of course I wouldn't refuse to help if they are really stuck, but really, if your default position is ferrying them around, then you'll continue to do so regardless of whether they need you to or not.