to not be a chauffeur to my teenager?

[fber]

FFS. almost 17 year old off on another frickin 'birthday' and I'm expected to pick her up from wherever at 11pm. I said I'd take her (at 8pm) I never said I'd bring her back. I'm SURE she said she was getting a lift back. She must've done, because I would never have left it unclear.

I'm sick of being her fucking taxi. I've just put the two dcs to bed (2&4) and I'm looking forward to getting in my pjs.

I suppose most of the other parents haven't got small dcs, but hey that's my fault for remarrying. Whatever, I'm fucked off with the guilt trip at the knowledge that some parents go into the city centre at stupid fucking oclock to pick up their spoilt brattish fucking teenagers. Of which my dd is fast becoming.

I'm knackered, and I have a sore throat. My dh is too, he's worked all day.

I don't want to do it. AIBU?

The one time I was 'stuck' was when the person who had given me a lift there had been drinking all evening and saw no problem with getting back in the car to take me home again. That happened once.

Sorry, at 17-18 I was happy to be my DDs taxi (or rather DH was). OK we are in a city and a lot of her friends lived "posh" in surrounding villages.

Yes they could share taxis /get the night bus if in town, but particularly at 17+ would be more likely to let a friend drive. I'm not normally a "cotton wool mum" but the statistics of 17yr olds (lads particularly) driving cars full of their friends home at night and crashing badly isn't something I was happy to risk. THe country lanes in the dark, even if the "named drive" really didn't have a drop to drink, are not for the inexperienced driver.

I will do the same for DS when the time comes. Again I'm not alarmist but teenage boys feature is the violent assault victim statistics quite significantly. DS is a lovely well spoken lad who is a bit of a "trouble magnet" as he's head and shoulders above the rest and looks, umm how do I put it, well built so someone the "yoof" may pic on if their spoiling for a fight. He's also the only one (touch wood) who's been assaulted so far (he's been punched at a bus stop and also grabbed by the throat on a bus- both unprovoked random assaults in daylight hours!).

God I don't even let her walk to the spar on her own in the dark!

(is beginning to see the problem here ;)

You can get stuck for valid reasons. I was waiting for the last bus one night and things kicked off between two drunks, at the bus stop and the bus refused to stop.

I have gone to someones aid and been delayed because of this.

Your DD could get stuck trying to avoid trouble, i think what posters are saying is that inner cities are unpredictable and they would rather their child not put themselves at risk.

I feel the same as you BackforGood , I'd rather mine knew they could ring us anytime they were in trouble and we would always be there to help out than be too scared to tell us

Parents collecting at 17?! Mine were lucky if I made it home on a Saturday night!

They would have absolutely collected me in an emergency but by that age I'd started staying at my boyfriends worked out taxis public transport. She can make her own way home.

Pick her up, but wear your pjs so she makes alternative arrangements for the future.

Definitely wouldnt let a 17 year old get herself home late at night - I wouldn't rest until she was home and I always took and fetched her. On the occasions when I couldnt fetch her I would make sure she had taxi money. Agree with AKMD that it's all part of the parenting package. It won't last forever - they will leave home soon enough (too soon for me!) and then I will be sad that I don't have anyone to ferry around! In fact my 18 year old now has her own car and I still worry about her having an accident - would rather take and fetch her myself really.

I'm going to go against the trend and say that 17 is old enough for her to be getting herself home.
At 17 (mid 90s) I was going into clubbing in central london and getting the night bus back to suburbia in the early hours so she is more than capable of putting herself in a cab. I didn't have parents who drove so getting them running around at my beck and call wasn't an option.
I think you unfortunatley have to pick her up this time because she's already out but put some ground rules in place for the future.

I think that in an emergency there would be no doubt that parents would go and pick them up. To have 17year old constantly rely on parental transport when other options exist does not help their independence.

can sympathise with all of this - we ended up with a compromise. It was the DDs responsibility to sort out transport home or have somewhere to sleep over - but they knew we would come in a crisis. A crisis, however, had to be just that.Not as in "I missed the last bus because I couldn't be bothered checking the time". The memory of the trip at 1am to Edinburgh in driving snow to try and rescue sobbing DD1 whose bF had attacked her and she had fled the flat, will stay with me forever!
There is also an element of instilling independence though. As I type, 18 year old DD is living in Spain as an au pair and gearing up for an all night carnival, thousands of miles away. I have to hope she is sensible and gets home tomorrow in one piece!!!

.

So, you throw a massive strop when you might need to pick up your DD but you don't want her to get a taxi or public transport and you're happy for your DD's friends' parents to shuttle her home. Yes, YAB massively unreasonable.

Our neighbours did not believe in ferrying their children anywhere, anytime I was driving into town I would end up giving them lifts into town or home. Then, one night their 18-year-old son could not get a taxi and he started walking home but never made it - he was killed in a hit-and-run.

My DPs did not believe in providing a taxi service during the day or evening, but at night always insisted they did.

OP - your DD is almost 17 - so just 16 yet. Have a heart.

My mother or my friends mothers picked me up when I was this age (long long ago, when times were generally safer..). From about 18 onwards, I made my own way home. And OMG, what chances I took. OK, I was generally not travelling alone, but I definitely put myself in danger either by driver having too much to drink (think 3-5 pints, rather than totally plastered), or taking lifts with guys I hardly knew (and once had to escape, along with 2 friends, through car windows, once car pulled off to a secluded area. Driver & his friends may have been teasing us, but we weren't taking that chance!).
Meanwhile, my sister took the option not to come home at all, but to bunk down where she was at, without letting my mom know (pre mobile phones). 2 of our friends were killed in a drunk driving accident previously (both just 16 years of age, btw). Just think of the worry that caused my poor mom!

Please, continue to give your DD a lift home until she is older. You may not be able to live with the consequences otherwise. Sure it is a pain in the ass, but at least you know she will get home safely.

My parents always said they could pick me up if it was before 12 but had to tell them by 11. After 12 it was one of my friends giving a lift or a taxi. But if I was a stuck i would phone them at any time and they would pick me up (and did on a few occations)
But at 16 (may be nearly 17 but that is still 16) before 12? It isn't unreasonable to ask to get a pick up. But then a taxi home with friends at that age isn't an unreasonable thing to do but surely at 16/17 she has just got into going out?

Basically nope she could get a taxi with friends and all but at 11 just pick her up (obviously if you can) (even if you don't make sure she knows that she can phone anytime if she really needed to - that can't factor in on the whole 'lifts' thing)

I think it depends where you live really. My parents sent me to a school that was pretty far away, so my friends were far away. They drove me about as they saw it as their choice I wasn't in walking distance of anyone. Also its just part and parcel of having teenagers.

I would say keep it up for now and reduce her pocket money. In the meantime encourage her to get a job and pay for driving lessons.

You won't let her walk to the spar on her own in the dark, at almost 17?
Make your mind up.
My teens plan about how to get home, it often involves walking in a group and dropping people off at various places until everyone is sorted according to location and fussiness of parents. DD is often the last one if there are no boys in the group. DS often walks back on his own.
Yes, I do the taxi bit as well, it's easy for me and I'm a late night person. I often collect random groups including one of my children and drop them. Most are amazed that I don't mind and very polite.
Both of mine use the trains around here, occasional buses and both regard a walk of three or four miles as perfectly reasonable.
I live in a low crime area, but DD is at uni in a big city and is still coping well.

Op there is a simple way to stop the confusion of whether you have an pre arranged arrangement to pick up your dd

you get her to give you 7 days notice and it has to be written in your diary - then if it isn't there in your hand writing then it was arranged.

It will make your dd think about arrangements and make sure she gets you to write it in your diary as then she gets the lift.

Cos this seems to be more about your confusion than the actual act of getting home

At 16/17 when I first started clubbing, my dad would pick me up at 1 or 2 am or there would be a pre-ordered taxi waiting from a reputable company (we knew the owner). The arrangement would be clarified in advance. My parents were quite liberal, but my freedom to go to parties/clubs/discos was underpinned by a condition that I get a cab home or dad picked me up. Vague plans for lifts home via others' or using public transport would not have been tolerated.

It will be similar for DD when she's older.

My lot catch buses home. After midnight there's one night bus an hour. But then we existed without a car during most of their teenage years.

That's when they develop those life-skills about looking after each other and being responsible though, checking on times and organising before setting out rather than relying on an ever-present safety net.

Hmm, my parents never made a fuss about taking us somewhere or collecting us, often sharing with other parents, BUT they were very keen for us all (3 in total) to learn to drive as soon as we hit 17, to the extent that my mother would lend her car ("so long as I get it back in time to go to the office, darling"). To be honest I don't think I would have felt confident (or have had enough money) to have taken a taxi at 17 and public transport would have been out of the question (small, provincial city in the 70s where they rolled the pavements up at 6pm when the shops shut).
And, as it was well before mobile phones, we always had "angry money" to phone home to be collected if other arrangements didn't work out.
Having said that none of us went out all that often.
Can you talk to your daughter and come to some arrangement with her friends' parents about lifts?

You sound tired OP. I would have given her money for a taxi home.