To have absolutely no sympathy for DB?

[pugsandseals]

Brother is currently having to sell his house to pay off the debts he & ex-wife run up. He is now with new girlfriend & they've just had a baby (her 2nd child). He is always banging on at parents that life's not fair, I've had it lucky by marrying someone that's loaded (he's not btw) & the world owes him a favour.

This is the 2nd time he has had to declare himself bankrupt & he has absolutely nothing to show for 15 years work. But always happens to find the cash for the latest phone/fashion etc. while DH & I have gone without the latest gadgets etc. to save for our own house, car & DD's school fees.

AIBU to think that he should grow up? Also AIBU to not want him & his new family to see us & DD because I think he is a bad influence on DD?

YANBU to think he should grow up.

Not sure about the last bit as you haven't given a reason as to why you think he is a bad influence on your DD.

Can you elaborate?

Yes, he should probably grow up, but YABU to not want to ever see him or let his family see yours. It sounds like you also need to grow up in some respects, even if not re financial planning.

Yanbu to have no sympathy, though Ywnbu to have sympathy either.
Yanbu to think he should grow up.
Yabu (probably) to cut all contact if his financial mismanagement is the only reason. I highly doubt that a spendthrift uncle is going to set your PFB on the road to ruin. You and your husband will be far more of an influence on her life than any other relatives.

To elaborate, he swears in front of kids, smokes & is always moaning! But I am also a bit traditional & think he is wrong to get into fatherhood before he's even got the divorce through

Are you serious? Your DB appears to be quite unable to manage his own finances but actually, that's his problem. To suggest that you cut contact with him in case your DD is influenced by his incompetence with money is ridiculous.

I've read some daft suggestions on MN in the past but this currently takes the

There must be other reasons why you think he's a bad influence?

I so want DD to grow up with traditional values ie, marriage before kids & haven't spent all the money we have on school fees for her to think it's ok to get herself into something similar rather than a good job.

Oh here we go. Another sodding drip feeder. If your DB swears, smokes and is unpleasant company then take him up on it. But don't tell us that you want to cut contact because of his money management only to start revealing more relevant information.

YANBU. DH has a friend like this, want the best of everything but not prepared to pay for it. He thinks we are weird because we don't ask my DM and DSDad to buy us things (including a house) like he does to his rich aunt. As far a s we are concerned it is the other way around.
Not sure about cutting him out though, as long as you are careful about your dd hearing conversations and enforcing a good work ethic, making sure she understands that if you want something you have to work for it then it should be fine. Depending on how old your dd is, it could actually be a good thing, if she can understand working for material things but seeing your brother doing this to his family, as I would put money on it happening again, then it will just reinforce what you are teaching her. I know that has happened with my ds, he thinks his dads friend is pathetic
Sometime kids need to see others make a mess of things to understand how life works.

Well I would have an issue with anyone swearing in front of my kids

But smoking, moaning and his child planning are absolutely nothing to do with you or your DD.

I think why you'd even consider banning her from having the chance to form a relationship with her own Uncle

Well, and I speak as someone privately educated, if you think paying out school fees is going to influence your dd's moral values then you'd be better off saving your money.

Oh dear, I think you need to buy a LOT of cotton wool, OP, to protect your DD from the outside world. I'm afraid your DB won't be the only person of this "type" she will come across in life.

I so want DD to grow up with traditional values ie, marriage before kids & haven't spent all the money we have on school fees for her to think it's ok to get herself into something similar rather than a good job

I see

And do you think locking her away from the rest of the world is going to help?

Or do you think perhaps this is where your parenting and values might come into play?

You sound like a snob. I'm sure there are plenty of children at fee paying schools with unmarried parents.

Gawd you are going to be a nightmare parent
What if she heaven forbids is a lesbian?!

Ask him not to swear in or smoke in front of your DD.

Good luck if you think you can protect her from people who moan.

Luckily, sending your DD to private school won't keep mean that she's only exposed to "traditional" families.

It's laudable to try to instil these values into your child, but you have to have more faith that they can survive the test of the real world where kids before marriage is a reasonably common occurrance. Don't know how old she is, but at some point your DD will question those values anyway, with or without the example of your brother. if his life is as uneviable as you describe, then I don't see why she'd be tempted to follow his example anyway. Although it's interesting - you and DB were presumably raised with similar values, so it's a prime example of how little influence we can end up having on our kids.

Overall I agree with everyone else. YANBU to have no sympathy, but to cut him off is extreme. Just ask him to stop swearing in front of the kids.

you can not set out and live your dc's life for them

they may grow up to be drug addicts or bankers or even worse than that

we can't decide - only guide

To put things straight, DB hasn't offered to visit us since we moved 100 miles from where parents live. He lives another 30 miles in the opposite direction. I'm just digging my heels in saying I will not put myself to visit him (or visit parents when he's there). I think it is safe to say that he has no interest in visiting his older sister with her luxurious lifestyle which he perceives is so easy by comparison to his own. I, like the rest of the world owes him a favour!

So he has had a child with someone he's not married to? Dear God, did the baby come out with horns on its head?

P.S. Private education will not help to instill moral values, just look at my friend's son who at 21 has just fathered his second child to another young woman, and < shock horror > didn't marry either of them, or several ex collegues who score quite highly on the middle class scale who privately educate their children and aren't married, or better yet, my own father, who had the affair.

I on the other hand went to state school and was married for three years before having children < polishes halo >

So you want to deny your DD any contact with her Uncle because he doesn't visit you?

Really?

I never married my children's father, yet I know for a fact that neither of my boys will have children out of marriage, I find some of your posts hilarious as you seem to think your brothers ways will rub off on your child who goes to private school, whoopee.

Mine went to state school, one now has a First in a Maths degree and earns in his first job 60k a year. Its not where children come from or what school they go to but about parenting

Sorry but you are a snob.

About instilling values.

My youngest? Currently at Uni too studying for his Maths degree.

Me? Always been a single parent thanks and at one stage on benefits.