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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely no sympathy for DB?

77 replies

pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 13:10

Brother is currently having to sell his house to pay off the debts he & ex-wife run up. He is now with new girlfriend & they've just had a baby (her 2nd child). He is always banging on at parents that life's not fair, I've had it lucky by marrying someone that's loaded (he's not btw) & the world owes him a favour.

This is the 2nd time he has had to declare himself bankrupt & he has absolutely nothing to show for 15 years work. But always happens to find the cash for the latest phone/fashion etc. while DH & I have gone without the latest gadgets etc. to save for our own house, car & DD's school fees.

AIBU to think that he should grow up? Also AIBU to not want him & his new family to see us & DD because I think he is a bad influence on DD?

OP posts:
Gumby · 18/02/2012 14:15

I don't get how you can worry about instilling values through your brother when you are narrow minded about unmarried people & no doubt single parents etc, you're the closest to your dd & yet your values sound very dodgy to me

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 14:19

Also you might want to think about this....

Anyone who has sex before marriage, runs the risk of pregnancy before marriage.

If you are so extreme in your views on that, that you would consider denying your DD the right to contact with her Uncle and cousins...then you also run the very real risk of your DD being unable to talk to you about sex when she's in a relationship.

I was raised as Catholic and I know 3 women who as teenagers, had abortions behind their parent's backs because their parents were so extreme in their views, they couldn't risk telling them.

I can't even tell you the trauma and heartbreak they went through. My best friend went home to lay on the couch when she was released from hospital and had to tell her parents she had a period pain so they didn't suspect. She actually could have bled to death and they would have been none the wiser.

There's nothing wrong with you wishing your DD will get married before having children...but imo it's very wrong to be so extreme about it that you'd deny her contact with her own family because they don't fit your 'ideals'.

Anyway, if she does become pregnant before she's married, it may be her Uncle who she's forced to turn to and one day you may thank him for that.

Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 14:26

I don't once remember suggesting that DD shouldn't see my DB because she goes to private school Confused

However, I do remember saying that DB thinks we have it easy.

As for the unmarried parenthood thing, if they had been together for years I wouldn't bat an eyelid! It's only that she was pregnant practically as soon as they met & before his divorce. I think that makes for a very unstable relationship as they haven't had the chance to really get to know each other before kids. I have nothing against single parents/unmarried parents but don't trust such a new relationship to last! Her first child no longer sees her fathers family which worries me hugely - not least because DD could become attached to a cousin who is then removed from her life!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 14:32

Ok so all this is not about your being judgey, wrapping your child in cotton wool, having children before marriage.

It's about her possibly getting close to her cousin (even though her uncle doesn't visit) and then the cousin being removed from her life?

I take it you're not going to allow her any friends whatsoever at school just incase they move?

maddening · 18/02/2012 14:40

yanbu to have no sympathy for dbro - he is a twat

if you don't want him near dd then don't let him but that isn't going to shield her from the world or aid her moral development etc she will just end up coming into the world a bit more naive

flippinada · 18/02/2012 14:50

Money on private education to make sure someone gets married before getting kids? That's a new one on me.

Still, takes all sorts of of idiots to make a world, doesn't it.

ImperialBlether · 18/02/2012 14:53

Fabby, I thought your son was on £40,000. Has he had promotion?

flippinada · 18/02/2012 14:53

Sorry - I do realise thats not the point of the op, just thought it was an utterly bizarre thing to say.

I do agree with others that brother clearly has no money sense and needs to stop being so entitled.

Popoozle · 18/02/2012 14:57

I have read the entire thread. YANBU for being annoyed at your DB telling people that you "have it easy" when, in fact, you are working & saving hard for what you have. Yes, it does sound like he needs to grow up & realise that life owes him nothing & he needs to take more personal responsibility for his family's stability.

However, I still can't find anything that would make me keep my DCs from seeing him. He is your DD's uncle. His DCs are her cousins. Do you honestly think any of his behaviour/actions as an adult now will affect the way your DD chooses to live her life in years to come? She will meet all sorts of people during her life and will have to make her own decisions about what she wants for herself as an adult. Of course, as a parent you want to guide her and teach her right from wrong, but you can't shield her from people who live their lives in a way you disapprove of forever. And, obviously, the fact your DD attends private school is totally irrelevant. The thought that she couldn't possibly meet an "unsuitable type" at a fee paying school is ludicrous.

Molehillmountain · 18/02/2012 15:58

As someone said-you need to be abstinent before marriage to avoid having children out of wedlock. As I see it, morally, you're in the same position as someone who's had children if you've had sex before marriage- not that I care about either. And if you think private schools are full of morally upstanding citizens then we have different morals. They are full of people who have at least slightly more privileged lives and so may have fewer challenges to their morality.

rhondajean · 18/02/2012 16:03

Is it just me or does fabbys son seem to have had a pay rise every time I read about him? Grin

Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 16:30

I also worry that my parents may become attached to DB's son only to have no access if things were to go wrong between DB & girlfriend, but they are adults and can make their own decisions!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 16:34

Aye, there are a lot of things to worry about in life....it'd wear you out if you worried about them all.

I still don't see any reason why you'd want to ban your DD from seeing her Uncle and cousin though.

Molehillmountain · 18/02/2012 16:35

Pugsandseals- I question a lot my brother in law and wife do. To spend too long worrying about something over which you have absolutely no control is the path to madness. Let them get on with it.

missingmumxox · 18/02/2012 17:26

If I where you I would keep DB in your lives so you daughter has a practical example of how everything can go tits up if you make unwise choices, if you see it you may know how to avoid it in the future.
Wrapping her up in cotton wool is actually the surest way she will make mistakes, coming from affluent family when she needs to stand on her own 2 feet she may not be able to understand why she can't have the best of everything, and could go down the same route as your brother, I have seen this happen to friends and family.
YANBU to find him feekless but yabu to cut him out of your lives, he hasn't hurt you in anyway.

PopcornBiscuit · 18/02/2012 17:28

YABU. You sound rather self-righteous I'm afraid.

RuleBritannia · 18/02/2012 17:33

AKissIsNotAContract

Just because a child goes to a private school does not mean that the parents are rolling in it!! They might have made sacrifices to give what they feel is 'best' for their child and they don't tell people about that. And, no, mine did not go to a private school. My XDH and I could not have afforded it even with sacrifices but we were lucky with the state school they went to (one with pupils going on to Oxbridge). And they have done very well.

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/02/2012 17:38

Rule Britannia: I didn't say it did! I went to private school and will most likely send my children too. I have no idea why you deduced that from my post.

Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 17:41

We save hard each year to keep up with the fees yes. And don't really ever go on holiday (certainly not abroad) so DD certainly sees both sides of things financially! As I said before, DB has the perception that we are rolling in a luxurious lifestyle when actually he has far better cars, phones, sky tv etc. than we could hope for in our current situation. We also live in a much cheaper area in order to be able to afford the fees!

OP posts:
PopcornBiscuit · 18/02/2012 17:44

It's all relative. For people with a family income less than the school fees would be, no amount of sacrifices will conjur up the money, and yes from this perspective those who can somehow afford the fees do appear well off.

"Just because a child goes to a private school does not mean that the parents are rolling in it!!"

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/02/2012 17:52

How you afford it isn't really the point though. The point is that you believe by sending your DD to private school you are ensuring she won't have children before marriage.

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 18:03

Now there's me thinking that moral values come first and foremost from the parents and that the school's primary job is to educate. Now I see that schools are there to promote marriage. Well, what do you know!

EDRefugee · 18/02/2012 18:09

I can see why your brother moans about you. You're judgey and snobbish.

motherinferior · 18/02/2012 18:16

My privately educated partner impregnated me within five months of taking up with me.

Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 18:25

AKissIsNotAContract - I certainly don't expect DD's school to be able to do such a thing! That's all I want is to be left alone to my chosen life. I don't know many people that would say that having children by multiple different partners is the ideal and I don't see why I should travel to see someone who will smoke & swear in front of my DD while simultaneously telling me of everything that is wrong with my life in front of her. (And no I would never tell him in front of everyone that I think his life is wrong!) AIBU?

OP posts:
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