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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely no sympathy for DB?

77 replies

pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 13:10

Brother is currently having to sell his house to pay off the debts he & ex-wife run up. He is now with new girlfriend & they've just had a baby (her 2nd child). He is always banging on at parents that life's not fair, I've had it lucky by marrying someone that's loaded (he's not btw) & the world owes him a favour.

This is the 2nd time he has had to declare himself bankrupt & he has absolutely nothing to show for 15 years work. But always happens to find the cash for the latest phone/fashion etc. while DH & I have gone without the latest gadgets etc. to save for our own house, car & DD's school fees.

AIBU to think that he should grow up? Also AIBU to not want him & his new family to see us & DD because I think he is a bad influence on DD?

OP posts:
Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 18:32

Also fed up with our parents constantly expecting me to express sympathy for his situation!!!

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 18:37

"That's all I want is to be left alone to my chosen life."

Don't we all? But unless we can afford to go live on a desert island somewhere that's pretty unrealistic. We (and our DC) all come across people we don't like or whose morals displease us as we go about our day to day lives and you'll drive yourself to insanity trying to avoid them all. If you were saying that your DB was a drug abuser or other type of criminal you'd have a reasoned argument but someone who smokes and swears and has children out of marriage? Oh come on, that's just snobbery naive to think that you can filter out all those who don't fit your strict moral code. A large part of MN probably is "guilty" of at least one of those.

You don't have to go visit your DB if you don't like him but to actively make a point of avoiding family functions where he will on the gounds that he smokes, swears and has DC before marriage is just ridiculous.

samandi · 18/02/2012 18:44

Ok you had me at the "having no sympathy" for him - he sounds like a twat.

But you're coming across as a bit of a fundie for disapproving of kids before marriage and the like.

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/02/2012 19:01

So why did you say this then?

'I so want DD to grow up with traditional values ie, marriage before kids & haven't spent all the money we have on school fees for her to think it's ok to get herself into something similar rather than a good job.'

Molehillmountain · 18/02/2012 19:02

Oh and just so you can have a random example of privately educated immorality to play snap with your db's state educated immorality (you perceive), my colleague's privately educated husband had an affair with another privately educated person.

Molehillmountain · 18/02/2012 19:03

And your daughter doesn't owe you anything because you paid her school fees. It's her life.

Charlotteperkins · 18/02/2012 19:12

You are making yourself sound like a complete bitch tbh < awaits deletion>

benne81 · 18/02/2012 19:12

Have you ever heard of the sitcom character called Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced bouquet)? You bear a striking resemblence

Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 19:15

AKiss my point was that I feel that seeing family in this situation feels like I am saying DB is a perfectly good role model for DD. To meet people outside of the family in this situation to me feels OK as DD isn't being shown that mum thinks it's a good thing. Does that make any sense? I don't think I would ever pass judgement on other peoples choices, but it feels different to let her see that within the family if you see what I mean. The adults of the family are looked up to by the children surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 19:19

I really don't know how else to explain it! But I can assure you that amongst my friends and colleagues are many different backgrounds and philosophies on life and DD is fully exposed to them all!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 19:21

And what sort of role model are you as an Aunt?

One who decides to cut contact with her Niece/Nephew because you disapprove of their Father's choices?

Actually the more you post, the more I think you'd be doing all concerned a big favour.

I'm actually starting to understand why your Brother doesn't visit you.

Perhaps the horse has bolted and he's had this chat with his partner and they've decided to cut your out of their lives for the sake of the children they're raising?

TheMonster · 18/02/2012 19:22

YOu can't deny your daughter her uncle because he is crap with money.

Molehillmountain · 18/02/2012 19:24

I know that you don't mean it like that but your last post sounded a bit like a "I've got lots of black friends" when racist comments are being discussed.

MrsWembley · 18/02/2012 19:29

Oh I so hope I can afford to send mine to private schools... bastard children that they are. And the children of a bastard mother at that!Wink

(If they have bastard children, will they be wizards?)

Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 19:36

BTW I really wish I hadn't mentioned the school fees, it would seem on here that if you send your child to an indie you are immediately a not nice person! I wonder how many of these nasty comments I would have got had I not mentioned the school fees and just mentioned that we both work to pay the bills and look after our outgoings?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 19:41

I think you'd still be considered a holier than thou judgmental person who is desperately trying to wrap your DD in cotton wool, whilst looking down your nose at your Brother.

But that's just my opinion.

It seems this is a non issue anyway since your brother appears to have cut contact with you already.

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 19:42

"To meet people outside of the family in this situation to me feels OK as DD isn't being shown that mum thinks it's a good thing."

Is DD your first and only child by any chance?

So at what age will you stop choosing DDs friends for her based on whether their parents are married, smoke or swear? Because you see, unless you want to blacklist a fair proportion of the friends she may meet (yes, even at public school DH and I both swear, both have been known to smoke and... well I'll stop there), you're going to find it very hard to shield your child from all these immoral people outside the family too and you sure will have a hard time explaining to DD why you don't like Miss Smith and Mr Jones without it getting back to them.

That could make for interesting encounters in the playground. Hmm

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 19:43

NB, my DC goes to public school.

Original poster
pugsandseals · 18/02/2012 19:46

Ties were cut years ago Liberty this is my parents trying to convince me to contact him because he's had a baby! He's always had a chip on his shoulder because he perceives I married a rich man (I wish it were true!) and because I moved away so I should always be the one to visit them not the other way around. It's just that age old problem that as the older, more responsible child I should make the first move (parents words NOT mine!)

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 18/02/2012 19:46

ERM it's that you seem quite judgemental that people seem to have a problem with not the fact that your DD attends an "indie" school wanky phrase alert

Molehillmountain · 18/02/2012 19:47

Doesn't matter about the school fees thing. You'd have let your moral stance out one way or another. People who send their children private don't have a monopoly on moral superiority. They just don't pay as much for it. Sorry - not sure why this has got to me quite so much.

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/02/2012 19:50

'BTW I really wish I hadn't mentioned the school fees, it would seem on here that if you send your child to an indie you are immediately a not nice person!'.

No, plenty of nice people send their children to private school, as do plenty of unmarried people. You are just not one of them.

Popoozle · 18/02/2012 20:15

I so want DD to grow up with traditional values ie, marriage before kids & haven't spent all the money we have on school fees for her to think it's ok to get herself into something similar rather than a good job.

Just so that you know, this is the comment which raised eyebrows & invited the comments about private schooling not you mentioning in the OP that you paid DD's school fees.

You somehow seem to think you are experiencing prejudice on here simply for having a child at private school. That is not the case.

youareallwrong · 18/02/2012 20:17

If ties were cut, why are you bothered what he does with his life?

Some siblings don't get on. Not matter how hard they try. If it weren't for shared parents you would have nothing in common. Don't think its a huge big deal not to have contact if the consequences of arguments would be worse or more destructive than trying to get two people who just can't be civilised to each other to do so.

You can both have a relationship with your parents independent of each other. It might not be an ideal situation and it may upset your parents, but so would you verbally and emotionally clawing each others lives apart.

Families aren't perfect. Sometimes they don't work the way everyone would like. Let him live his life the way he wants. No need for you to judge him in the way you are constantly.

skybluepearl · 18/02/2012 21:21

I know that my kids can see that we don't have the latest gadgets, live in a house needing lots of attention, run a cheap rusty car, wear second hand clothes, rarely have even UK holidays but live in a good community with a lovely state school. My kids value freindship, family and more meaningful things. Yes they do come across bad language and bad behaviour but they are able to reflect and see that they want to be different - even my 3 year old can do this. Sometimes I might highlight that xxxx uses bad language and we discuss why he/she does it and why it's inappropriate.

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