to be upset with my lodger's attitude towards my son?

[threeleftfeet]

My lodger has tweeted - for the second time - "I hate being woken up by the sound of screaming children. -__-"

Now while no one likes being woken up by screaming children, it's a bit unkind to actually tweet about it, isn't it? Particularly when the reason DS was screaming is he's been really unwell for a while now.

Also I'm reminded of Christmas, we gave her several presents, but she gave DS nothing for Christmas or his birthday (also at Xmas), not even a card.

I know she doesn't have a lot of money, but she spent weeks making a present for her BF, and involved us in the process. She's very creative and resourceful, a handmade card for DS would have taken her 10 minutes if she didn't want to buy one. (Although she's not so skint she couldn't afford a card! )

Isn't is a bit odd to live in a house with a 3 year old and not even acknowledge their birthday?

She's not from this country and we've made so much of an effort helping her find her feet here, for example I introduced her to some nice work mates of mine who are more her age (she's 10 years younger than us) and they hang out all the time now. She's also now seeing one of them and they're serious about each other, she's going to move to be closer to him this summer.

AIBU to be a bit put out? We made it very clear it was important to us live with someone who likes children, it looks like she doesn't really, does she?

I agree with you OP. I would find this really rude behaviour.

It is not hard to be courteous and kind to other people, and it is important to do so if you are living under their roof.

Lyingwitch, I find your post a bit odd tbh.

Of course we're not taking lodgers in purely as part of some strange plan to to enrich our DS's life. Yes I think having lots of people around is good for him, but that's not our reason for doing it and I never said it was. Why would you think so?

Nor do I think I - or my son - have a "right" to receive presents from anyone. I mentioned it as part of a bigger picture.

I absolutely refute the idea however that a lodger is purely a business transaction. Anyone who feels this way would not be someone I wanted to live with. If it's just a business transaction then it wouldn't matter who takes the room as long as they pay on time. But that's not how I see it, we're sharing a home with our lodgers, I want them to feel comfortable and at home, and to be people we get on with. This particular flatmate was lucky to find us, we've helped her settle into this country and introduced her to the love of her life! And I'm glad for that. Although slightly annoyed with her over this, overall I am fond of her and ultimately want her to be happy, and am delighted that we've been able to help her be so.

" of course, you might not have a long list of candidates to fawn over you and your family but at least you'll get somebody who does a better job of it - or at least pretending."

That's just mean. Why be such an arsehole? Very glad I don't live with someone with your attitude!

Thanks Cherriesarelovely, I agree :)

tinytinyclanger... The way I read your posts was that you're assuming your lodger doesn't like your son because she didn't give gifts/cards. You didn't mention any kind of other interaction between your son and your lodger, so the lack of gifts seem to have sparked this off with you and it does seem to be the 'pressure point' although perhaps it isn't, you obviously know the fully history.

Your expectations of what your lodger is supposed to do need to be managed otherwise you'll always be disappointed in what other people do or don't do.

For most people that I know, taking in lodgers/students, etc. is very much a business transaction, ie. they really wouldn't do it at all if they didn't need the money. I personally wouldnt unless I really had to because to me a family home is just that - for family. It's not a criticism of you and your ways, which are obviously different. I do think that you need to be clearer if you're going to take in lodgers because a) gut instinct hasn't worked this time and b) your judging criteria isn't' clear and that's unfair. You say that you're fine with lodgers involving themselves - or not - but that doesn't seem to be the case in reality, you seem to feel let down if they don't fully immerse with your family and I can imagine that some lodgers would feel very confused and unhappy with blurry guldelines to worth within.

I accept that the last bit of my post was unneccesary; it was more flippant than intentionally mean but written, it does look meaner than intended and I apologise for that.

Thanks for the apology, I appreciate it :)

I honestly don't have a problem if lodgers don't want to integrate themselves into our family life. There are two rooms which we let out, and we've had 11 lodgers since we've been here, and I've never felt let down if they don't want to spend time with us. It's nice when they do, but if they don't that's absolutely fine too. Both DP and I are very easy going.

One lovely guy who was with us for the summer, for example, kept to himself, we rarely saw him and that was absolutely fine by me. Others have spent much more time with us, eating together and socialising with us, and keeping in touch after they've left. While I prefer the latter, I'm honestly not unhappy if they want to keep to themselves, I know this for sure, as it's happened in the past and it's not been a problem.

I'm not sure that is really the issue though. I think complaining about someone's child on twitter - even if it was just a "business transaction" - would still be unkind. Also I can't imagine myself living in a child and not giving a present on their birthday. There are a zillion charity shops here, and a pound shop too, it's not about spending lots of money!

Different housing situations suit different people. Personally I could not live with a Tory, for example, or someone who played incessant mainstream pop. Or who watched a lot of really crap telly (it helps we don't have Sky, the hardcore telly addicts don't apply I think!) These are personal preferences, and I am entitled to have them in my own home. We look for like-minded people when looking for new lodgers, and - importantly - people who like children. And mostly, it works for us.

"I personally wouldnt unless I really had to because to me a family home is just that - for family."

In the UK, people have largely only lived in what we see at the traditional nuclear family since the beginning of the 20th century. Before that people were more likely to live with extended family, perhaps with several generations present. Also we used to live in communities. It's only relatively recently that people have travelled about the country for work in the way we do. So the "traditional" nuclear family, living in a place where they possibly don't know many of their their neighbours, and the kids just see their parents (or possibly nanny) at home, is actually quite a new thing.

I know lodgers are not the same thing as extended family at all, but I just wanted to point out that our ideas of the "traditional" family set up aren't actually how it's always been!

Tiny - I'd like to be more like you and enjoy having people live with us like you clearly do, but frankly it would drive me up the pole!!

She was mean 'tweeting' that esp when she's friends with your friends and one of your friends is her bf - but really she just said she didn't like to be woken up by kids/x screaming and you yourself feel the same :) I would have replied (can you reply to a tweet??) 'Me either, so it's just as well he's not often ill really isn't it :)'

Maybe have a chat to her about the fact that you are all friends and she is not friends with your friends and so it would be better if she thought about what she said/tweeted a little more carefully as you'd hate to fall out before she moves out :)

It was very tight/mean of her not to buy/make DS something for Christmas & his Birthday, as you said, it could have been from the poundshop, just ignoring him is pretty horrible.

I hope your next lodger is nicer :)

OP, ONLY in Britain do people give cards.

Really.

Everyone else, anywhere else, would not even think of doing that. Even I, after 12 years, find it odd. In the rest of the world cards are to be sent by post to people too far to visit IYSWIM.

You are odd for following your lodger on twitter.

These are non issues IMO. Just give her some space to breathe (don't follow her on facebook, twitter etc.).

Chandon - sometimes you come out with some very strange ideas. I have lived in many places around the world and card giving is certainly not limited to Britain.

Thanks ChippingIn :)

I've seen her today, and she does come across as really nice, that's why it surprised me so much I think!

I'm going to just brush it under the carpet I think. She's moving out anyway. Perhaps she's found living with a child a pain, more than she realised she would.

You're right it's not so much of a big deal. Now I've got over the surprise and initial feeling a bit sad that someone's having a go at my child, I can see it's not that big a deal really.

Changon I do not think it's at all odd to follow my lodger on twitter.

She hangs out with my friends and dates a work colleague, she has blurred the lines in our relationship, she's certainly not treating it like a business transaction - and I'm comfortable with that.

She invited me to follow her on Facebook too so I we could get to know each other before she came over here. I don't find that odd at all either.

Also I only mentioned a card as it would have been a token gesture instead of a present if she felt she couldn't afford it. My point was she didn't acknowledge his birthday at all, which I find strange, I couldn't imagine myself doing that in the same situation.