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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with my lodger's attitude towards my son?

112 replies

threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 09:36

My lodger has tweeted - for the second time - "I hate being woken up by the sound of screaming children. -__-"

Now while no one likes being woken up by screaming children, it's a bit unkind to actually tweet about it, isn't it? Particularly when the reason DS was screaming is he's been really unwell for a while now.

Also I'm reminded of Christmas, we gave her several presents, but she gave DS nothing for Christmas or his birthday (also at Xmas), not even a card.

I know she doesn't have a lot of money, but she spent weeks making a present for her BF, and involved us in the process. She's very creative and resourceful, a handmade card for DS would have taken her 10 minutes if she didn't want to buy one. (Although she's not so skint she couldn't afford a card! )

Isn't is a bit odd to live in a house with a 3 year old and not even acknowledge their birthday?

She's not from this country and we've made so much of an effort helping her find her feet here, for example I introduced her to some nice work mates of mine who are more her age (she's 10 years younger than us) and they hang out all the time now. She's also now seeing one of them and they're serious about each other, she's going to move to be closer to him this summer.

AIBU to be a bit put out? We made it very clear it was important to us live with someone who likes children, it looks like she doesn't really, does she?

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Animation · 17/02/2012 10:31

TheCrunch - Grin

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 10:31

Well its certainly not something i could do - I'm assuming these people have CRB checks etc? I know it seems a bit OTT but do you know anything about these people you are having live with your children?

betterwhenthesunshines · 17/02/2012 10:46

Don't read her twitters?

betterwhenthesunshines · 17/02/2012 10:53

We have a lodger, and children and I wouldn't DREAM of following her on Facebook / Twitter. I know they are public, but it's a bit like overhearing a conversation that upsets you, but that you shouldn't have been listening to. She's been here nearly 3 years now and we all get on very well, but she's not a friend - I wou;dn't expect her to acknowledge my children's birthday more than to say "Happy Birthday" if she saw the cards.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 11:22

"She is entitled to tweet what she wants, except for really personal stuff, that is quite controling of you, tbh."

Indeed she is, but I'm also entitled to be offended by things she says, if they concern me and do offend me!

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 11:24

"I don't understand why you think she doesn't like children just because she doesn't like being woken by their screaming?"

I don't expect anyone to like being woken up by a child screaming.

But I think tweeting about it is unkind.

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 11:25

"Just to add it is quite selfesh of you to want her to form an attachment to your DS if the arrangement was always going to be short term, she or he doesn't need the added stress of what the loss of that relationship will cause, when she leaves."

Not really. One of the lodgers we had last summer is a good friend and we see her regularly. Another keeps in contact with DS by post. I think knowing lots of people enriches his life.

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 11:26

rookiemater she's 26.

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 11:30

No we do not CRB check them. We get to know them e.g. meeting them and via facebook / twitter, and we go on gut instinct.

They live with us, they don't look after DS for us.

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maddening · 17/02/2012 11:41

I think she should not have tweeted as being that you have mutual friends then essentially she is bitching to your friends about your son/home which isn't pleasant - I would bring that up but I don't know how you could without causing animosity. The xmas and bday card - yes nobody is obliged to buy or do anything regardless of the relationship but it is more indicative of either her personality or her regard for you.

so overall yanbu but don't know the best way to deal with it

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 11:44

Thanks for understanding maddening Smile

"so overall yanbu but don't know the best way to deal with it"

Just got to chalk it up to experience I reckon, it's not a massive deal, but it did make me feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to get it off my chest really!

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 11:45

I don't think she's obliged to buy presents, but I agree it's "more indicative of either her personality or her regard for you."

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Pandemoniaa · 17/02/2012 12:00

I think you are setting yourself up for constant disappointments if you insist on confusing the status of your lodgers with that of being part of the family. If they pay rent they have a right to live (within sensible guidelines) as they wish. Which includes being rather irritated by being woken by screaming children and does not include an obligation to give said children cards and presents.

Your attitude reminds me of friends of mine. They have a big house which they rent rooms in. They can never decide whether they want their lodgers to live their own lives or get overly "en-famille" cosy. So they have a fairly constant stream of lodgers who invariably get tired of the mixed messages they get. Because the lodgers are genuinely baffled about why on some days they are expected to gather together and watch television or just sit around and chat and on other days they are told they are intruding on the house owners by doing precisely that.

So yes, I think YABU. You really need to act like a landlord if you are renting rooms.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 12:02

We never, never tell our lodgers they are intruding on the house.

They are welcome to use all parts of the house except our bedroom and DS's as much or as little as they like.

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Pandemoniaa · 17/02/2012 12:06

I'm not saying you do tell your lodgers they are intruding. I am saying that you should treat lodgers as lodgers and not have unrealistic expectations from them. In my experience it always leads to grief if you don't put things on a sensibly businesslike footing.

This doesn't stop you being friendly and pleasant, of course. But don't send mixed messages.

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2012 12:07

Knowing lots of people enriches all our lives, you're right about that. You're wrong if you think the only way to get that all important enrichment is by having the new people in your son's life come and live in your house. You sound an ideal candidate to for living in a commune.

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2012 12:07

For, not to.

Fairyliz · 17/02/2012 12:13

I don't think she is being deliberately mean I just think she is part of the selfish 'me first' generation. I.e I am entitled to tweet what I like, without thinking that it might hurt someone else's feelings. I don't like being woken by screaming kids but wouldn't post that where everyone could see and may feel hurt if it was their kids.

crunchbag · 17/02/2012 12:23

YABU regarding the tweet, it was nothing personal just a comment.

Regarding DS birthday, okay strange she didn't acknowledge it but it is a very British thing to actually give birthday/Christmas cards to people in person rather than sending it to someone you do not see.

MagnifyingGlassSearch · 17/02/2012 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 17/02/2012 12:30

Not liking the sound of screaming children is not the same as not liking children!
Not liking the sound of them screaming for the moments when you are waking up is not the same as being unhappy with every other aspect of a lodging situation.
However, Tweeting and FB seem to be exempt from the normal laws of tact.

Do you really expect any lodger to LIKE early morning screaming?

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 14:28

"You sound an ideal candidate to for living in a commune." I have a feeling you meant that as an insult, but I take it as a compliment Grin

And in no way do I think the only way to bring people into my DS's life is to invite them to live with us, where on earth did you get that idea from?

I'm well aware that many people would hate the idea of sharing their family home with others, but we really like it, we've been doing it for years, it suits us, and has worked very well for us - a couple of hiccups aside.

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 14:30

"Do you really expect any lodger to LIKE early morning screaming?"

Of course not, I have said exactly the opposite. No one likes it, why would they?

However tweeting about it is unnecessarily and unkind IMO.

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 14:31

She's American. They give cards and gifts, right?

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 14:43

"She's just not that into you and your family I'm afraid"

I think you're probably right, and I guess I'm disappointed about that.

However I'm never going to treat having lodgers as simply a business transaction. They are sharing our home and I wouldn't move anyone in here who I didn't feel I would get on with as a friend if we met in different circumstances.

We are very careful when choosing lodgers and would rather the room was empty for a while (which is has been) than that someone moved in who we really didn't see eye to eye with.

Being a student town, we've had a fair few lodgers move in and out. Some of them have pretty much kept to themselves and we've rarely seen them. Others have become good friends. I'm happy either way, there's no obligation to become part of our household! (Although it's much nicer when that does happen).

We have always invited our lodgers along to social events we go to, they are welcome to come or not, I don't mind.
As most of them are a long way from home while studying, I feel it's only polite to!

I have a large circle of good friends (mostly back in my home town) partly because I don't compartmentalise work / home / lodgers, and I'm comfortable with that.

I simply couldn't treat someone sharing the same house as me - and especially DS - as a business transaction. It's a home first and foremost.

I understand that other people see it differently, and I'm happy if that works for you, but it's just not for us.

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