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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with my lodger's attitude towards my son?

112 replies

threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 09:36

My lodger has tweeted - for the second time - "I hate being woken up by the sound of screaming children. -__-"

Now while no one likes being woken up by screaming children, it's a bit unkind to actually tweet about it, isn't it? Particularly when the reason DS was screaming is he's been really unwell for a while now.

Also I'm reminded of Christmas, we gave her several presents, but she gave DS nothing for Christmas or his birthday (also at Xmas), not even a card.

I know she doesn't have a lot of money, but she spent weeks making a present for her BF, and involved us in the process. She's very creative and resourceful, a handmade card for DS would have taken her 10 minutes if she didn't want to buy one. (Although she's not so skint she couldn't afford a card! )

Isn't is a bit odd to live in a house with a 3 year old and not even acknowledge their birthday?

She's not from this country and we've made so much of an effort helping her find her feet here, for example I introduced her to some nice work mates of mine who are more her age (she's 10 years younger than us) and they hang out all the time now. She's also now seeing one of them and they're serious about each other, she's going to move to be closer to him this summer.

AIBU to be a bit put out? We made it very clear it was important to us live with someone who likes children, it looks like she doesn't really, does she?

OP posts:
YusMilady · 17/02/2012 14:44

Gotta say, OP - you remind me of Val in the League of Gentlemen. Do you have 'nude day' on the first Monday of the month?

You are confusing 'Lodger' with 'Paying Guest'. There is subtle but important difference.

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 17/02/2012 14:49

Your could try :

" One of our mutual friends pointed out this tweet of yours to us. We have mutual friends and while you are a paying guest in this house we do not expect you to bitch and moan or criticize us to our friends. If you have any issues we expect you to have the courtesy to talk to us about them, please remember this for the future."

Or just chalk it up to experience and wait till she moves out.

halcyondays · 17/02/2012 14:51

No one likes being woken by screaming children but it was rude of her to tweet about it when she knew you would see it. A bit tactless.

lesley33 · 17/02/2012 14:57

tbh I think it is very difficult to truly be friends between a lodger and landlady. There is too much of a power imbalance. You can make your lodgers/friends homeless if you are unhappy with them. This gives you more power in the relationship which they will be aware of. I think you can be friendly in this type of situation and even socialise together a bit, but I don't think you can ever be true friends.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 15:00

Sorry but you can be friends with lodgers.

My best friend in this town is someone I met because she and her partner lodged with us while house hunting.

OP posts:
Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 15:01

That was two years ago. Our friendship has developed since, but we met originally as she lived here.

OP posts:
Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 15:02

I suppose it depends what you mean by "friend".

I simply mean someone you like and choose to spend time with.

So any of our lodgers who have now left but keep in contact I count as friends.

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ABatInBunkFive · 17/02/2012 15:08

yabu i'd post that about my own. Hmm

why ask the question if you are so sure you are right?

lesley33 · 17/02/2012 15:11

Yes you could truly be friends with someone after they are no longer your lodger. But while they are your lodger you do have more power than them. i count true friends as more tahn someone I like spending time with. So yes you can socialise between loder and landlady.

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 15:20

I know you were being thoughful when introducing your lodger to friends but if there is a next time, do not. I think it is time to ask her to move out. It might ber hurtful but it just a comment that has unearthed other stuff about her you do not like. Good luck :)

fedupofnamechanging · 17/02/2012 15:43

I don't think she meant anything rude by it - it's just one of those throwaway comments people write on twitter/fb. A bit tactless maybe, but not bitching or rude.

I think it is a bit odd to not give a birthday card/present to a child you live with and know well, but some people are a bit tight with money.

I'd leave it be - she is dating a friend, so if you fall out it will have repercussions elsewhere in your social group. I'd maybe stop trying to involve her in everything and just be polite and friendly - let her decide how much/little involvement in your family life she wants. Besides, she'll be moving out soon.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 15:59

"I know you were being thoughtful when introducing your lodger to friends but if there is a next time, do not."

That's simply not going to happen Grin

She and my friend are very happy together, I'm delighted I introduced them to each other. Even if they don't end up being life-partners, this is a very significant relationship for them both, they're obviously very much in love.

It's in my nature to introduce nice people to each other. I won't stop inviting lodgers to social events, where it's an open-invite kind of thing (not that I actually get to go to go out that much these days!). I don't mind if they accept the invite or not, but I simply couldn't go out to meet some mates in the pub and not say to a lodger "do you want to come too" if they were hanging about the house and didn't have anything else on. (Particularly as I've said, they're often studying miles from home and don't know anyone here).

If they're not a nice person who I wouldn't want to spend time with, I wouldn't want to live with them in the first place!

OP posts:
Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 15:59

"I'd leave it be - she is dating a friend, so if you fall out it will have repercussions elsewhere in your social group."

I think you're right, just venting really.

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GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 16:01

I've had two lodgers too...they wasn't so nice in the end.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 16:02

I'm sorry to hear that GoingForGoalWeight.

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GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 16:06

I found out from a mutual friend they were slagging me off on Myspace, about my DS wanting to watch TV with them in MY front room, they had their own, lounging area. I tolerated them for another twelve months after that. I should have asked them to leave but as they were pot broke students, i couldn't bring myself to do that.

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 16:09

All three of us were very different people.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 16:11

It's difficult isn't it?

I've had to learn to go much more on my gut instinct when choosing lodgers. In situations like the workplace I think you've got to give people the benefit of the doubt, for example when interviewing etc. But when I've done that with lodgers they've turned out to be the arseholes that I suspected they were!

Now, when were looking for a flatmate I don't think twice about rejecting to someone just because I don't warm to their photo. It's taken me a while to get to that point though!

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Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 16:13

GoingForGoalWeight I suspect - like me - you suffer from the affliction of being too nice to people. Sometimes, it doesn't do us any favours though! Grin

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GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 16:20

Exactly tiny . I am changing it slowly, :( i have to but i am over genorous to a fault.

OriginalJamie · 17/02/2012 16:21

Blimey, people write boring stuff on Twitter. What next - "I like pizza!" or "The Pope's a Catholic!"

OriginalJamie · 17/02/2012 16:22

Anyone who slags off anyone one some site where they know the other person can see is a rude person as well, IMO

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 16:27

My friend witnessed how i was allowing myself to be treated and showed me the Myspace comments to give me proof of how disrespected i was. I do not have a Myspace or FB account etc. I was very unhappy in those 18 months.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 17/02/2012 16:34

Thank goodness for your friend :)

Actually I think one of the things that has helped is that the lodgers aren't here for ever, because they're only here to study. Things don't have to go wrong before they go, there's a natural end to it.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2012 18:29

OP... you're being completely and utterly unreasonable.

The lodger is not there to 'enrich your son's life'. This is a business arrangement and you've blurred the boundaries terribly. Why are you following tweets of your lodger. What is missing from your life that you would do that? I don't follow friends' tweets.

This gift-giving thing is out of hand - it's free will; just because you choose to give gifts does not mean you can impose this to be reciprocated. It's not about 'liking' your son or not, as long as they are polite and respectful, you have no rights to any more from any person.

Stop taking in lodgers and advertise for 'friends' to come and live with you if all you're after is enrichment of DC's life... of course, you might not have a long list of candidates to fawn over you and your family but at least you'll get somebody who does a better job of it - or at least pretending.