To feel this vegetarian family were rude re:party bags

[lecce]

Went to a 6yr old's birthday party today. For the food ds and I sat with a family we know vaguely from school/park. They are strict vegetarians and the host of the party is also vegetarian. The family I sat with know the host family a little through dc and have been on a couple of playdates.

When the party bags were distributed, the veg woman sitting with me looked in and saw that there were a few unwrapped jelly sweets in it. She said to her dd, "Go and ask party host if these are veggie." DD came back and said no but host had given her 3 chocolate coins instead. They also have a younger ds. A look of real anger flashed across veggie woman's face - I was actually shocked as she looked really livid. She snapped at her dh, "Quick, go and get some more of those coins for ds as he has those sweets in his bag too!" Her dh scuttled off and came back with more coins.

AIBU to think she was being rather grasping and, especially since the party bag was generous anyway, she could have removed the sweets herself and offered her dc something else herself if needed. Of course, she didn't ask for the first set of coins but I couldn't believe it when she sent dh off to demand more. Couldn't the dc have shared the first lot?

I then started thinking about how reasonable it is to be that strict about your dc being veggie. Of course it is fine to not buy those sweets yourself for them but are they really likely to get through childhood with a stray haribo never crossing their lips, and does that really matter? Of course you don't want them getting a liking for sausages and asking for them at home but sweets? Is it fair on the dc to expect them to refuse any sweet their friends may offer them? Won't it result in lying or resentment or both?

ps if you eat fish you are pesketarian.

for a while the only non veggie walkers crisps were cheese and onion due to the rennit in the cheese

She should have just taken them out. Not sure what the big deal was.

I am veggie, and although everyone else not he family isn't, I am not mortally offended if someone offered me a gelatine sweet. In fact, I have had Haribos to hand out at parties as they had been specifically requested by DS (not a veggie as he can choose for himself when he is old enough) and the children do love the little packs. I usually have some non-gelatine ones for veggie/Muslim/hindhu... children, but it has never been an issue.

She isn't exactly treating the children good manners, is she?

And don't get me started on 'I'm a vegetarian, but eat fish, chicken, white meat...'

DH is a non meat eater but does eat fish, he doesn't eat meat imitation stuff except vege mince both DS1 and 2 were brought up same way even though I am a carnivore. (out of respect I ate very little meat at home) now Ds1 19 eats meat (crap meat included) but DS2 15 won't we are not strict about it and both have made their own choices as they got older. thats my contribution to the veg non veg debate back to the op... YANBU she was a bit graspy, as many more said earlier she should have simply removed what kids were not allowed and said thanks.

People can bring up their kids how they like but personally I file forcing vegetarianism upon them is as bad as ear piercing. Let them make up their own minds when they're responsible enough to do so!

YANBU

SamuelWestsMistress - as bad as forcing meat eating in them? Can't they make up their on minds later whether or not they want to contribute to the killing of animals?

can't believe people saying 'forcing' kids to be veggie! kids eat what parents give them until they are old enough to decide for themselves IMO and that might be veggie, meat,Kosher, halal, etc etc same as kids are brought up in the religion (or non religion) of the family and wear what parents buy. silly to say views imposed on them. not eating meat is not painful or disfiguring like ear piercing so no comparision.

I think the host was being U, actually. I would never put gelatine-containing sweets in a party bag! Once bawled out DP for buying rocky road (which contain marshmallows, which have gelatine in them) for giving out on DD2's birthday.

Strpawayfromtheecclescake - I thought that...! You could equally say carnivores force meat on their kids!

There is no such thing as degrees of vegetarianism. You can't have a 'strict' vegetarian or a 'more relaxed' vegetarian.

If you eat jelly sweets you are not a vegetarian. This is absolutely fine.

The only difference is with food containing animal products, it's a lot easier to make mistakes (there are various things I used to enjoy before finding out what the ingredients mean!) - whereas if you're given a steak or a beef burger it's fairly obvious what you're getting.

I don't understand why everyone thinks the Mum was rude. There was something in the bag her DC didn't eat, an alternative was available, she took it. It's not really "grasping" to ask for some chocolate coins is it?
FWIW I'm vegetarian and so is DS. I think meat is disgusting, why on earth would I feed it to my son??

We're veggie and our forthcoming DC will be too, until he/she is old enough to make an informed decision.

Dealing with food given by other people and how easy or difficult this will be is the 'unknown' part of this, as parents to be. I would be unhappy if my child was fed animal products by anyone. It is certainly not up to other people to decide what he/she should eat. I'd immediately lose all trust and respect for anyone who did this deliberately. I appreciate that accidents may happen though, especially with 'hidden' ingredients and will be working out our best strategy to avoid this.

As adults it's easy because we are knowledgable, communicative and helpful and if we have to nibble round the edges and not get a 'proper meal' we're not going to starve or throw a tantrum about it. For children I'm guessing a combination of supervision, communication, provision of alternatives by us when needed and gradual education, enabling the child to speak up and then choose, will be our strategy.

My reading of the OP is that these guests thought they were 'safe' with veggie hosts who knew they too were veggie and were momentarily shocked to find their children had been given something unsuitable without warning. They didn't want their children to feel they were losing out, so accepting the offered alternative sounds fine, not necessarily 'grasping' at all (that's all in the how, not the what, isn't it, so we can't know).

'Strict vegetarian' can mean vegan (this is how it's used for airline meals). There are variations on vegetarianism e.g. veggies in India eat dairy products but not eggs. While here vegetarian means 'nothing from dead animals', some people are more particular then others about ingredients and, for example, about whether to wear leather. Everyone decides where to draw their own line and veggies of any shade are doing much better at 'being veggie' than someone who isn't veggie at all. Better something than nothing in my view, we can't all be perfect.

p.s. you do all know that 'carnivore' is a joke term when applied to people?

I'm sure you do and are using it that way (as in 'I could eat eat steak every day, I'm such a carnivore'). It is just so commonly used now (including here) that I sometimes wonder if people have forgotten. Humans are omnivores, they can eat a lot of things and need to eat a mixture to get all necessary nutrients. That can come from non-animal sources only (vegan), or a mixture of animal-derived and non-animal sources (vegetarian or omnivore). They cannot survive as carnivores.

thanks lottie yes its just a term for me that sums up eating meat, in a family where 2 don't

lottiegb said My reading of the OP is that these guests thought they were 'safe' with veggie hosts who knew they too were veggie and were momentarily shocked to find their children had been given something unsuitable without warning.

That would be my guess too. It's a bit gutting when a vegetarian can't accommodate/look out for the needs of other vegetarians!

YANBU, she was rude.

If you're at someone else's house you get what you are given and say thank you, and definitely don't make comments or cause a scene.

She could have chosen to throw the sweets away discreetly afterwards and buy her DCs some other sweets later.

If the woman was rude (and I suspect it's probably been exaggerated tbh), then it's got fuck all to do with her being vegetarian.

Love how the OP has been designed to be anti-vegetarian though. How dare a parent choose to be careful about what they feed their DC?

SilentBoob "There is no such thing as degrees of vegetarianism. You can't have a 'strict' vegetarian or a 'more relaxed' vegetarian.

If you eat jelly sweets you are not a vegetarian. This is absolutely fine"

The problem here is that language is a free spirit, (and should be), and the meanings of words change all the time depending on who uses them, (take words like "gay" or "wicked" or "nice" for example) and when.

Many, many people in the world use the word vegetarian as an easy shorthand to desribe non-meat eaters. And why shouldn't they?

I try to avoid the term myself because it tends to spark a series of other observations about a person when simply saying "I don't eat meat" is no different from saying "I don't eat shellfish or lemons", (although the response will usually be" Oh, you're a vegetarian!")

"Went to a 6yr old's birthday party today. For the food ds and I sat with a family we know vaguely from school/park."

I can't think of any 6 year old party we ever went to where the parents all hung around for the food. After about 4/5 everyone just dropped them off and disappearred. Has it all changed so much?

Depending on how many veggies were there, it is possible the hosts knowingly bought non-veggie sweets for the majority non-veggie guests, as they are cheaper / more familiar to most children and had the chocolate money in stock to swap for any who wanted to.

There's been some judgement of the hosts as 'not properly veggie' which may or may not be true. Personally I wouldn't buy stuff with gelatine in for anyone but, when vegan, I have bought dairy versions of things for others and non-dairy for me, as the non-dairy is more expensive and, to most people, not as nice.

Until a few weeks ago all meat in Qatar was Halal. Then they started selling pork, no idea why that is necessary personally. It is possible to live without bacon. Anyway, my friend had a dilemma after realising that a visiting child had swiped a pork sausage roll out of the kitchen where they had been carefully put away from the kids who were mainly Muslim she decided she had to tell the mum who shrugged and said it wasn't an issue and to forget it. I think a jelly sweet is going a bit far personally, especially when it is the adult who cares for the cause, not the kid.

Busyoldfool I have explained why they shouldn't.