To feel this vegetarian family were rude re:party bags

[lecce]

Went to a 6yr old's birthday party today. For the food ds and I sat with a family we know vaguely from school/park. They are strict vegetarians and the host of the party is also vegetarian. The family I sat with know the host family a little through dc and have been on a couple of playdates.

When the party bags were distributed, the veg woman sitting with me looked in and saw that there were a few unwrapped jelly sweets in it. She said to her dd, "Go and ask party host if these are veggie." DD came back and said no but host had given her 3 chocolate coins instead. They also have a younger ds. A look of real anger flashed across veggie woman's face - I was actually shocked as she looked really livid. She snapped at her dh, "Quick, go and get some more of those coins for ds as he has those sweets in his bag too!" Her dh scuttled off and came back with more coins.

AIBU to think she was being rather grasping and, especially since the party bag was generous anyway, she could have removed the sweets herself and offered her dc something else herself if needed. Of course, she didn't ask for the first set of coins but I couldn't believe it when she sent dh off to demand more. Couldn't the dc have shared the first lot?

I then started thinking about how reasonable it is to be that strict about your dc being veggie. Of course it is fine to not buy those sweets yourself for them but are they really likely to get through childhood with a stray haribo never crossing their lips, and does that really matter? Of course you don't want them getting a liking for sausages and asking for them at home but sweets? Is it fair on the dc to expect them to refuse any sweet their friends may offer them? Won't it result in lying or resentment or both?

Lecce All vegetarians are that strict. Some people who call themselves vegetarian, but in fact aren't, may not be that strict. Nobody who eats animal derived gelatine can accurately call themselves a vegetarian. There is a world of difference between people who choose not to eat meat, but draw the line there, and actual vegetarians.

Ticktock I've been vegan for 28 years. My DH and DCs are veggie. DH turned veggie shortly after we met (when he knew he wanted to marry me) but he's never been able to take the final step and go vegan. He doesn't have any mik based products - happy to use the soya stuff - but if there is a can of soup he likes that has dairy as an ingredient then that's the soup he will have. He also has eggs. The DCs eat a lot of quorn which obviously isn't vegan and they have ice cream too. DD2 likes pizza. :( I'd prefer it if everyone in the family was vegan but there you go. They might make that choice later in life.

Chocolat I'm not too sure what you mean but, yes, they are English.

thetasigmamum You are right of course but the fact is that lots of people call themselves vegetarians and eat stuff that contains meat/fish. My mum, for example, is very fussy about meat and calls herself veggie beacuse most meat people would give her, she wouldn't want so finds it easier to say she's veggie. I think she's bonkers but still... So I think most vegetarians must have come across someone like that and clearly they had as the mum didn't just assume the sweets were suitable.

TheParan0idAndr0id She did look livid and she really snapped at her dh to get more chocs, sorry but she did. So she did say something and I didn't say a word so not sure how I sound ruder than her, unless you mean by starting this thread - but you could say that about half the threads on this board.

I'm not annoyed, btw, I haven't said I am and I don't think I sound it. I'm just a bit taken-aback. Ds will have his first 'big' party, full of dc we don't really know, next month, and I'm a bit nervous about expectations of parents. Of course, I'm more than happy to cater for veggies but I was shocked, actually, by the generous contents of the party bag and the fact that those plus 3 coins weren't enough for this mum. Not annoyed but wondered what others think.

She does sound unreasonable and grabby but I think your questions at the end of our original post which imply that it doesn't matter if sweets with meat derivatives in them are eaten by veggie children is a bit unreasonable too.
Just because a sweet doesn't look like part of an animal doesn't mean it doesn't have dead carcass in it.

DH is hindu and doesn't eat beef (though his dad does at every opportunity!) and while we don't cook it at home, if people have offered to DD we haven't said no.

She's only 16 mo at the moment and we expect her to come to her own decision at an appropriate age. DH was given the same opportunity and gave it up 11 - I can't help thinking that coming to a decision yourself is better than having one imposed on you. Less to spark a rebellion in later years?

*likely

tbh i am surprised the host gave out jelly sweets as she is a veggie

2 friends are veggies and and they wont touch the sweets with gelatine in and its amazing what products do have gelatine in it tbh

regards crisps, yes friend eats bacon crisps but sure either cheese and onion or another non meat crisps she cant eat as has meat products in it - think its a golden wonder packer - weird

OP she was angry because eating the ground up bones and hooves of an animal is no different to eating a steak if you're a vegetarian.

The host isn't a vegetarian if she eats jelly sweets/offers them out.

There's a difference between not eating meat and being vegetarian.

Some people seem to think that it's ok if you can't see the animal product.

It's not.

I don't agree that parents 'impose' a vegetarian diet on their children any more than they 'impose' a meat-eating diet. All parents choose a diet based on what they feel is best for them and their family. As long as all the food groups are covered and the diet is well balanced, a diet is healthy.

I'm surprised a veggie mum gave out non-veggie jellies.

I don't make a fuss about meaty-jellies in DS party bags, I just fish them out. But, if the host was 'veggie' then I suppose I would be a bit confused about their sweetie choice.

I define a veggie as someone who doesn't eat flesh or anything derived from flesh that involves killing the animal. So gelatine, rennet etc... would be excluded from my diet.

any attempt to impose certain things like vegetarianism on children is bound to backfire later in life.

Absolutely.

My parents imposed meat-eating on me from when I was a baby. Chicken, sausages, the lot, every week.

That was why when I was 18 and went away to uni I turned vegan within months. The whole meat thing totally backfired. That's why you should never impose dietary choices on children.

@ RevoltingPeasant

thetasigma you know it is possible to make vegan pizza, right?

also I don't think it's helpful to try to define what is and is not 'vegetarian'. I know people who called themselves 'vegetarians' but eat fish. () I am currently pescatarian but have been lacto-ovo and vegan at different stages. I don't think being purist about it really helps anyone.

Personally I think that you should be complimented that people who are 'not really' vegetarians want to use that label!

Actually, I think the host was quite rude. If you know someone is vegetarian you don't give them sweets with gelatine in. I love meat but even I wouldn't do that.

I would disagree actually RP that it isn't helpful to define what is and isn't vegetarian.

For example, I am vegetarian. I do eat dairy (would rather not but don't like the alternatives) and eggs (only free range from local farms). I don't eat convenience food as a rule, but definitely avoid if they have eggs in as they're usually not free range.

It would concern me if someone described something as 'vegetarian' because it didn't contain meat but did contain some other sort of animal derivative. I don't want to eat meat or any animal product.

Revolting Clearly you have never been at an enforced work related function, or on a work trip overseas, and been offered fish 'because all vegetarians eat fish'. Do you know who it helps to be strict about the definition of vegetarianism and veganism rather than making it up as you go along? It helps vegetarians and vegans. I've been given the 'vegan option' on long haul flights and it has contained cheese 'oh, it's vegetarian cheese'. If they can make THAT sort of obvious mistake how can anyone trust them to be being vigilant over whey and lactose in ingredients? This sort of sloppy dishonest labeling practice by restaurants and arlines, inter alia, is enabled by individuals indulging in sloppy and dishonest self labeling.

Would the chocolate coins necessarily be any better? I thought there was such a thing as vegetarian chocolate, which implies the usual stuff isn't?

She was rude IMHO.

My DS has foods he cannot eat, if they were in a party bag he would just give them to me not eat them.

Party bags are a gift at the end of a party. They are a tradition, I do them, but never really understood them.

Children have to accept that at times they need to say no and reject things on moral, religious and medical grounds. Yes it's harsh but that's life.

I would expect to provide a differentiated meal, and would seek advice about it. I guess though situations like this occur through peoples lack of understanding. But when it comes to a treat your given, I would say it's put up and shut up.

any attempt to impose certain things like vegetarianism on children is bound to backfire later in life.

Ha! Well my kids/nieces/nephews are 4th generation vegetarian (white english background so not ''cultural' - I was once told it would be fine to bring my children up vegetarian but only if we were 'ethnic' ) & none of us have (grandparents, parents, siblings & grandchildren) have become omnivores. Same can be said for the other vegetarian families I know ... while I do know lots of people from meat eating backgrounds who've rebelled (!) by becoming vegetarian. My husband is the son of a butcher - he's vegetarian now as is my MIL.

I would expect to provide a differentiated meal, and would seek advice about it. I guess though situations like this occur through peoples lack of understanding. But when it comes to a treat your given, I would say it's put up and shut up.

I agree the woman was rude, kidding, but I would also expect a vegetarian to provide vegetarian food.

She was being unreasonable to be rude and shouty in that environment - her kids will either grow up to be entitled rude brats or they will associate being vegetarian with total embarassment of their mum acting up in public. (not to mention so will everyone else - some of the responses here are evidence of that!) On the other hand, YABU for thinking she should be ok with them eating gelatine sweets, especially in front of her with her knowledge. Your children might take up smoking behind your back when they're in high school, does that mean you'd be unreasonable not to let them do it in your kitchen?

My DDs are lifelong vegetarians and now at 14 and 12 seem determined to stay that way. Younger DD has had the occasional Haribo lapse (often party-bag induced) but usually manages to choose something veggie-friendly instead.

If I were hosting a party, I would provide a mixture of vegetarian and non-vegetarian food and would not worry about non-vegetarian guests getting non-vegetarian contents in party bags, but would ensure that anyone with specific dietary requirements has their needs respected.

Also I am not in the least bothered about my mum or DP cooking meat in my oven or in my pans or eating it off my plates.

It does seem strange that a vegetarian provided Haribo in the party bags, so I can see why the other vegetarian mum would be slightly annoyed. However, she sounds rude and OTT from your description of events.
Oh and I am 34 and as far as I know, have NEVER had slush of any colour in my life and I don't feel deprived in any way.

folkgirl I don't think I explained myself very well . I meant in regards to other posts about non-meat-eating vegetarians V's 'proper' vegetarians. It maybe the party hosts are the first - and the mum presumed they were the latter.
Hence the lack of understanding about what vegetarianism is.

I thinks it's really weird that a vegetarian would put non-vege sweets in a party bag. Vegetarian sweets are widely available.

The guest could have done lots of things OP, but I really don't see why you would care either way! I guess she was asking for more coins so both her vegetarian kids were treated equally to avoid a meltdown later on. The chocs were there - no biggie to have them it seems.

re vegetarian children I think it's fine for a family to be as strict as they like, however for everyone's sanity you'd have to be relaxed when the kids are eating without the parents/in non vege's homes.

I grew up next door to a large vege family. The oldest child was always climbing the fence for a sausage when we had a bbq. I know other strict adult vegetarians who were raised vege and stick with it today.

If you are going to eat non-vege foods, including sweets and cheese, as a matter of course, then you aren't a vegetarian are you? It's like a vegetarian who eats fish? Or Chicken? ie NOT a vegetarian.

I actually consider myself to be a 'carnivore vegetarian' - I have about 3 vege and 2 vegan days a week on average. I wouldn't call myself a vegetarian, though many people who have known me for a long time assume I am one. But I love meat, especially rare lamb & steak.

she was rude re the party bags

you are bu about what she should feed her own children

I am veggie but oh is a meat eater and so is ds - oh is v respectful of my veggie-ism and I am of his eating meat - it's all about mutual respect imo