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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel this vegetarian family were rude re:party bags

123 replies

lecce · 16/02/2012 20:12

Went to a 6yr old's birthday party today. For the food ds and I sat with a family we know vaguely from school/park. They are strict vegetarians and the host of the party is also vegetarian. The family I sat with know the host family a little through dc and have been on a couple of playdates.

When the party bags were distributed, the veg woman sitting with me looked in and saw that there were a few unwrapped jelly sweets in it. She said to her dd, "Go and ask party host if these are veggie." DD came back and said no but host had given her 3 chocolate coins instead. They also have a younger ds. A look of real anger flashed across veggie woman's face - I was actually shocked as she looked really livid. She snapped at her dh, "Quick, go and get some more of those coins for ds as he has those sweets in his bag too!" Her dh scuttled off and came back with more coins.

AIBU to think she was being rather grasping and, especially since the party bag was generous anyway, she could have removed the sweets herself and offered her dc something else herself if needed. Of course, she didn't ask for the first set of coins but I couldn't believe it when she sent dh off to demand more. Couldn't the dc have shared the first lot?

I then started thinking about how reasonable it is to be that strict about your dc being veggie. Of course it is fine to not buy those sweets yourself for them but are they really likely to get through childhood with a stray haribo never crossing their lips, and does that really matter? Of course you don't want them getting a liking for sausages and asking for them at home but sweets? Is it fair on the dc to expect them to refuse any sweet their friends may offer them? Won't it result in lying or resentment or both?

OP posts:

balia · 16/02/2012 21:47

My DSS is a vegetarian - my MIL (who is lovely) makes very heavy weather of it, clearly feels he is missing out massively and always tries to load him up with Haribo etc. She clearly feels that DH and I (who aren't veggie) should simply ignore DSS's Mum's wishes and feed him what everyone else is eating.

igggi · 16/02/2012 21:48

I don't understand earlier comments about the host being less strict than the "angry woman" regarding vegetarianism. Eating gelatine just means you're not a vegetarian!
I take sweets with me to parties and swap them over when ds isn't looking - he looks v sad if his bag has nothing edible in it.

GrimmaTheNome · 16/02/2012 21:50

She should have brought alternatives with her and swapped them, no need to make a fuss and palaver.
Quite. One of DDs classmates was from an observant Muslim family- at the end of a party (of a less-strict Muslim as it happens) she quietly extracted the non-halal sweets from her DSs bag, bestowed them on DD and subbed some Halal haribos into their bag. No fuss.

Busyoldfool · 16/02/2012 21:53

Ticktock1 - - me too - the question "What do you eat?" - LOL!!

And absolutely - chic is possible !!! that's what I mean!!

OneLittleBabyGirl · 16/02/2012 21:53

Fwiw my DH was brought up as a veggie but he was not strict at all. He would eat gelatin and sweets and chocolates suitable for vegetarians. He would even have risotto cooked in chicken stock. On the other hand, since he's not had meat growing up, he hates the taste of meat. He has now no longer a veggie but will only have meat that doesn't taste meaty, like fish and chicken. He will also not eat bacon flavoured chips, even if its approved by tgr vegetarian society. He will not touch any meat substitute like quorn mince or sausage either. (In fact he's very strongly against disguising a veggie dish as a meat dish).

So it's unreasonable for the strict veggie to disapprove of another veggie like this.

splashymcsplash · 16/02/2012 21:55

YABU for starting this thread. Is it really something worth worrying about?

It seems that whenever you mention the word vegetarian on MN that people start throthing at the bit. It's not a big deal that the mum asked if the sweets were veggie - you can get veggie gummy sweets. Asking for more coins? Maybe not what I would have done but hardly a huge deal either.

MentalMuslimMummy · 16/02/2012 22:00

they were extremely rude in my hunmble opinion. we only eat strictly halal and that does also include no pork gelatine in my kid's sweets, but that doesnt mean Im going act like a total w*** at a party!

earlyriser · 16/02/2012 22:01

I am vegan and bring my children up vegan, but my dh is omni. So when they get non vegan sweets or choc in a party bag (quite rare now as my friends are so lovely they always make an effort to put in something vegan) it goes straight into Daddy's pocket and i give them some other sweets from my stash!

GrahamTribe · 16/02/2012 22:04

As has been pointed out but maybe needs saying again, someone who eats Haribo made of gelatine is not a vegetarian.

TheParan0idAndr0id · 16/02/2012 22:05

She had a look? She didn't say anything, to you or the host or anyone, you're basing all this on a look?

I think you sound a lot ruder, OP.

TheParan0idAndr0id · 16/02/2012 22:06

You know people are notoriously bad at interpreting looks and its just as likely you got it wrong.

HavePatience · 16/02/2012 22:18

Wow I'm shocked that people think it wasn't impolite to go ask to swap yet another bag of sweets that they had been given, instead of just taking them out of the bag. Just wow. That is all.

TheParan0idAndr0id · 16/02/2012 22:21

Really, children swapping sweets shocks you that much? You maybe need to get out more.

HavePatience · 16/02/2012 22:24

Yes, I probably do
However, children swapping sweets doesn't bother me. It's running to the host to ask for a substitute for the sweets in their bag... I would just toss the ones I didn't want.

trixymalixy · 16/02/2012 22:44

She was rude. My kids have allergies and if they get something in a party bag they can't eat, I take it out and swap it for something they can have. I always take sweets along for that purpose and sometimes even eggless cake. I would never make a fuss about it though!

TheParan0idAndr0id · 16/02/2012 22:46

Clearly it was no problem to the host though, so all this is OP annoyed by something nothing to do with her, and load of randoms getting irate who weren't even there.
Over a look and change of a sweet? Why bother?

HavePatience · 16/02/2012 22:54

True... I'm not worked up by it, tbh. Just think it's rude. Are you her, paranoid?

TheParan0idAndr0id · 16/02/2012 22:58

Yep, you got me. I'm the angry looking militant vegetarian sweet nabber.

skybluepearl · 16/02/2012 23:01

I know some nice veggies - they all eat veggie at home but the parents allow the kids to make their own choices about meat products when out and about. It's very practical and seems to work.

NotnOtter · 16/02/2012 23:04

busyoldfool you sound about 7

HavePatience · 16/02/2012 23:08

marshmallowpies · 16/02/2012 23:15

My parents used to help out at Scout camp, and there was a boy with strict vegetarian parents who always used to drop him off with the instruction 'Make sure he doesn't eat any meat'. As soon as the parents were gone, the boy would specifically ask if he could have sausages & whatever other meat was on offer!

My mum used to feel conflicted about it as she liked the parents, but the boy was a teenager and she felt he should be able to eat meat away from home if he wanted to!

I know that's not really relevant but the memory sprang to mind and made me think that any attempt to impose certain things like vegetarianism on children is bound to backfire later in life.

I'm a veggie myself, though not massively strict about things like jelly sweets, and I plan to give my children an omnivorous diet and let them make up their own minds when they are grown up. I don't want to think of other parents having to jump through hoops just to provide my child with an 'approved' party bag...unless it's because of allergy or something genuinely serious.

NB I did once hear of friends who had to deal with what to feed the child of a fruitarian family at a party! So many things they suggested were vetoed by the parents, in the end they had to regretfully withdraw the invitation!!

foreverondiet · 16/02/2012 23:27

We keep kosher and my DC know that sometimes they get given food they can't eat. They get enough sweets and they keep them for friends who don't have the same dietary rules.

Very rude. I think ok for your to bring up your dc veggie but they need to understand that not everyone is... I would be a little surprised though if a veggie family gave out haribo though.

MrsBeakman · 16/02/2012 23:39

I think the veggie woman was bonkers and rude to have a "look of real anger" flashing across her face and to look "really livid." I bet she never does big kids' parties herself, because if she did she would realise that you can feel quite harrassed when throwing them and grabbing 3 choc coins when someone keeps sending family members to make demands, was actually very kind and not any reason to be furious! It's always the mums who don't throw parties themselves who are the most demanding and easily offended at kids' parties in my bitter experience. Sorry went off on a bit of a ranty tangent there.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 16/02/2012 23:40

I don't believe they were English veggies! (Were they, OP?!) If you're English, my dear, you don't make a fuss! Mustn't grumble; make the best of a bad job; just get on with it.....

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