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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Porn sites

81 replies

egg33 · 14/02/2012 23:15

Iv just discovered that my children's father has become a member of some porn sites (he made the mistake of leaving the trail of one of them on the home pc) . We have 2 children under 3 and as a result once a month sex if that. I am really offended. He says it's just a release but the way he approaches me now is as if I was a porn star and it's really offputting. I feel lost and demoralised. Please does anyone have any advice that have been in similar circumstances. I'm not offended by porn itslef... Just the way it's come I to our lives....

OP posts:
shareatip · 15/02/2012 10:02

Gosh. Have you considering "watching" with him, rather than him "going alone"? That way you could make sure he was not visiting anything too yukky. I do believe it is quite OK for guys in this age-group to be watching stuff, and maybe you could manage to get a little "into" it too, mostly laughing with him at the silly plots and stupid things being said and done... of course making sure the kids could never stumble across anything by accident or design. It's hard, but try not to be offended or upset by this. Participate and set boundaries of taste etc. You may find new reserves of tolerance and understanding. I'm hoping this does not sound weird, just wanted to help.

ourladyof · 15/02/2012 10:07

guys in this age group?

what age is the OP's DP then?

LilacWaltz · 15/02/2012 10:10

'new reserves of tolerance and understanding'

Lol at that little gem!!

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 10:11

Most guys look at porn. Some women do too. Why are you offended?

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 10:12

Most guys look at porn. Some women do too. Why are you offended?

Prize for stupid statement of the year is yours.

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 10:15

Prize for stupid statement of the year is yours
Care to explain? genuine question, why is she offended?

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 10:16

Not that part, shouldn't have included that.

Because it's simply not true that most guys watch porn.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 15/02/2012 10:17

YANBU and you don't have to feel OK with this. You're allowed to be offended and upset because his behaviour is offensive and upsetting. Approaching you as if you were a porn star? Sad

Can't he just have a wank, without the porn?

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 10:19

simply not true
Do you have a source for your information?

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 10:19

Saying "most guys watch porn" just supports an awful untrue stereotype which paints men as uncontrollable sex animals and encourages the myth that even if you are uncomfortable with it you have to accept it because boys will be boys. That is just bollocks.

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 10:20

Have you miss sayuri?

LoveHandles88 · 15/02/2012 10:21

Has there been any great research done into how many guys watch porn? I'm not sure who exactly has their facts correct. OP also says I'm not offended by porn itslef... Just the way it's come I to our lives....
YANBU to be a little taken back by it. Maybe talking to your oh about how he makes you feel, and come up with something that suits you both in the bedroom?
Or maybe steer the bedroom activities more towards your tastes by instigating something that you're comfortable with that excites him also.
Good luck.

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 10:21

an awful untrue stereotype which paints men as uncontrollable sex animals
These are your words and maybe say more about what you think about men who consume porn. Not everyone thinks this way though.

StrandedBear · 15/02/2012 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinahMoHum · 15/02/2012 10:22

unreasonable. its up to him if he wants to watch porn, especially if youre only having sex once a month

randommoment · 15/02/2012 10:22

I strongly suspect actually that most guys do watch porn, even if it's only very occasionally. It's one of the few areas where the average women's brains and men's simply don't meet. Most women don't 'get' visual porn, and if they use porn it tends to be written, whereas most men respond far more to images than to words.
OP you need to tell him it's making you uncomfortable, being approached as a porn star.

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 10:24

I'm at work so I'm slightly wary of typing 'porn' into Google, but this makes for some interesting reading, albeit in the Torygraph...
All Men Watch Porn

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2012 10:26

If you've only just discovered it OP, I don't understand how you feel he 'approaching you now as if you were a porn star'?

Rindercella · 15/02/2012 10:26

Shame this has descended into a porn debate within a few short posts rather than trying to help the OP with her feelings.

The biggest problem here seems that the OP's partner is now approaching her as if she was a porn star and how that's making her feel. Egg, I am sorry I don't really know what advice to give other than talking to your partner and letting him know this is how you feel. Whether or not the porn itself is a problem (you say you are not offended by porn), it's your partner's behaviour and how he is making you feel that is the problem.

I suggest you move this out of AIBU and into relationships - hopefully you will get some better advice there.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 15/02/2012 10:28

He says it's just a release but the way he approaches me now is as if I was a porn star and it's really offputting.

My best friend is suffering in exactly the same way. She has issues about her body and has no desire to watch pornwith her fiance. She just about tolerates him watching it, though in the past has been upset when she's seen a couple of sites in particular in his history.
However, she has totally gone off sex with him because he comes out with lines that are blatantly from the films he's seen, and tries things she knows he's trying to recreate from porn. She feels he no longer wants sex with her, and no longer sees it as a private act between the two of them. I would never say it to her, but I reckon this issue will finish them.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2012 10:30

I agree with Rindercella it's his behaviour that's the problem here and possibly not the actual porn itself.

I disagree about the OP getting better advice in Relationships though, the views here seems far more mixed on the topic of porn than it does there.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2012 10:33

That's odd ButWhy

I watch porn and I honestly couldn't spot a 'line' from a film...to be honest, they have very little dialogue anyway unless he's watching vintage porn Grin

If your friend doesn't watch porn, I wonder how she could 'spot a line', and if perhaps it's her imagination due to the fact she's not happy with it?

campariandlemonade · 15/02/2012 10:35

I would talk to him and explain how it makes you feel, and make it really clear that you don't want to be approached in the way you describe. I don't think you should feel you have to participate or try and massively change how you feel about it tbh. I would never be completely ok with my OH looking at porn if I'm honest, and I don't feel I need to justify or explain that feeling to anyone except my OH. I know there are plenty of women who say they don't have a problem with OH's looking at porn, but there are also plenty who do, esp if it affects their sex life in whatever way.
I can completely understand why you are upset and feel offended.

Rindercella · 15/02/2012 10:36

Worra, I think I suggested that to try and avoid the inevitable 'porn's great, what's the problem vs porn is the work of the devil' bun fight which always results on these threads. But you're probably right, and tbh, the bun fight is as likely to take place in relationships as on AIBU. I just think it'd be great for posters to actually read the OP and give advice as she has requested rather than seeking to prove a point.

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 15/02/2012 10:36

Perhaps her DH wants her to butter his wick with dashboard shine and have Prince Albert?