Porn sites

[egg33]

Iv just discovered that my children's father has become a member of some porn sites (he made the mistake of leaving the trail of one of them on the home pc) . We have 2 children under 3 and as a result once a month sex if that. I am really offended. He says it's just a release but the way he approaches me now is as if I was a porn star and it's really offputting. I feel lost and demoralised. Please does anyone have any advice that have been in similar circumstances. I'm not offended by porn itslef... Just the way it's come I to our lives....

See the sarcasm and deliberate misunderstanding usually does come out in force when (what I consider to be) a logical argument.

What's logical about assuming I have self esteem problems because I disagree with porn? See what sunshine has said, that's much more logical!

Agree with worra lovely cheap clothing and electronics from a Chinese sweatshop anyone?

but dontcha know, sex is sacred. Other exploitation doesnt count.

There is exploitation in every single industry, and believe it or not, theres a lot of women who make a valid choice to work in the sex industry.

Its not even the issue here though. The OP said she didnt have an objection to porn in general

Nobody is saying that other exploitation doesn't count.

It's just a valid reason why some of us disagree with porn.

FedUpOfTheBunfights

and I think explaining exactly why they're unhappy to their partners will make them more understanding than displaying double standards (if indeed they are.)

Where exactly have I said you have self esteem issues? You either do or you don't but that's for you to know...not me or anyone else here.

If you don't have self esteem issues and you don't display double standards when it comes to the exploitation of human beings, I obviously wasn't talking about you was I?

no thats fine. I can see its an industry very open to exploitation. Both men and women are exploited, there are negative effects to both the industry itself, and for people who watch too much of the stuff, but it is also can be a very positive thing for many people who get a great deal of enjoyment out of it.

I think there should be more focus on the people who ARE abused, rather than just saying all porn is bad because some people are exploited. Its a kneejerk reaction, and its hard to have a proper debate because its all tied in to emotions, and peoples own feelings about sex in general.

You wouldnt ban sex just because a lot of people get raped, and i see no reason to ban porn because there unfortunately happens to be exploitation in the industry in some areas

I've never seen a woman consider ending a relationship because her DP bought her a box of teabags that didn't carry the fair trade label. So sometimes that leads me to believe it's more about their self esteem than the exploitation of women...which is understandable by why not be honest about it?

I object to porn. I would consider ending my relationship over it. I wouldn't consider ending it over teabags. Therefore according to this ^^ it's more about my self esteem than how I feel regarding exploitation. My objections to porn are not solely about exploitation which makes it a somewhat more complex issue than teabags however.

I have seen a few threads that mention porn recently on here and every time SOMEBODY says or implies that a woman objecting to porn obviously has self esteem issues. Sorry if I've taken your comment the wrong way, I am just so fed up of it, hence the sarcasm from my original response to it.

Dinah just what I was thinking but decided not to wade in again. Women will never agree on the porn issue, it just turns into a slang fest unfortunately and rational debate goes out the window.

Nobody has suggested banning porn at all, have a read over sunshine's posts.

It's not some though. It's most. 75% in fact. Former industry workers - including some who were spokeswomen for saying that they did it of their own free will - have come out since they left the industry and said how much damage it's done. And it's not people, it's mostly women. With the exception of homosexual porn (which is a small part of the industry overall) you don't see many men getting rammed up the anus while performing a blowjob.

I don''t want to see porn banned. Unlike some anti-porn campaigners, I think porn has a place and can be a good thing. But only when it genuinely involves participants who love what they're doing and viewers possess the integrity to be able to recognise that what happens on screen should not be set up as competition to their RL sexual partners, though it can certainly be used to enhance sexual experience.

Banning stuff never works and making it go underground would be even worse for women. However, I think tighter regulation and internet restriction would be a good step forwards, as would be education about porn and what it involves in its various guises - since the most effective way to stamp out violent, exploitative porn would be to reduce demand for it. This would need to run alongside a campaign to make violent behaviour towards women non-sexually less acceptable with harsher penalties for those caught doing so.

The trouble is that many people aren't even aware of the problems in the industry so can't be put off by them. Some also get defensive when it's pointed out, though I don't get that reaction since doing something harmful when you didn't know it's harmful is nothing to be ashamed of. It's what you do once you have that knowledge that counts. I used to watch and enjoy porn and felt very uncomfortable when I discovered more about the background. I stopped, rather than defended. Initially I was anti all porn, but some very well-though-out arguments have made me revise that opinion and realise that there are degree and types of porn. Nothing has persuaded me that most porn is harmless however, as it isn't.

OP I think your post indicates more problems with your relationship than just the porn issue.

As others have said, the way you refer to your H as 'your children's father' is quite 'unusual'. What is his RL to you? Because you're not both just parents, you're also supposed to be partners to each other, completely separate to the children you have together.

I also don't see why having three small children has to equate to having sex 'once a month if that'. That's fine if you're both happy that way, but I suspect he definitely isn't any you may not be either...

And I don't understand what you mean by saying he approaches you like you are porn star. What does he do to make you feel that way? Has he actually changed at all or are you just thinking that since discovering the porn sites?

YANBU - if you're unhappy with it, that's your valid choice. But I don't think it's as simple (in this case) as saying 'I don't want you to use porn anymore' and then everything will be ok.

I object to porn. I would consider ending my relationship over it. I wouldn't consider ending it over teabags. Therefore according to this ^^ it's more about my self esteem than how I feel regarding exploitation. My objections to porn are not solely about exploitation which makes it a somewhat more complex issue than teabags however

My point is, that people will readily say they object to porn due to exploitation...despite not objecting to exploitation in other areas of industry that can be just as bad or sometimes worse (child trafficking and slavery in the coco trade being just one example)

If your porn objections are not solely based on exploitation then I don't know why you think my comments are aimed at you?

My comments are aimed at those claim to solely object to this and yet do not object to (or even consider it would seem) how many trafficked children may have helped to produce the bar of chocolate they're eating.

It's all about honesty imo. That can be a good starting point when someone is trying to explain to their DP why they want to end a relationship due to porn use.

i think a lot of the reason some/a lot of women are vehemently anti porn, is they assume women are victims of sex in general rather than willing, enjoying participants. THEY cant imagine liking that stuff, so cant imagine other women would

i think a lot of the reason some/a lot of women are vehemently anti porn, is they assume women are victims of sex in general rather than willing, enjoying participants. THEY cant imagine liking that stuff, so cant imagine other women would

That's dangerously close to assuming that women mean yes when they say no or that women who won't have anal are frigid. I'm sure that's not what you meant, but please steer clear of the argument that people who don't like porn don't like sex. It's not true.

I'm sure that's not what she meant either...it certainly wasn't what she said.

I know women who are quite vocal about not liking anal sex and can't imagine why others do.

But the OP says she wasn't offended by porn, just her OH's newly assumed approach. Why can't she just say, please stop that I don't like it? I'm offended by my DP's farts in bed and I just tell him to rap it or sleep on the couch. Jeez, 2 kids together and you can't even talk about sex, I'd be more worried about that than him acting like Dirk Diggler once every blue moon.

If your porn objections are not solely based on exploitation then I don't know why you think my comments are aimed at you?

I think I explained very well why your comments were out of line re:self esteem issues, and why I took particular exception to use of that argument.

I don't think anyone would claim to disagree with porn for one reason alone (ie exploitation), and I don't understand where your link with low self esteem and dislike of porn comes from.

they assume women are victims of sex in general rather than willing, enjoying participants

How else would you interpret that? The only reason I don't think that's what she meant is because she then qualified it with:

THEY cant imagine liking that stuff, so cant imagine other women would

but I think you'll find that I'm unlikely to be the only one whose initial interpretation was along those lines.

Also, why do you think that objecting to porn means people are against anal sex or whatever. Plenty of people enjoy these activities without wanting to view them via porn.

Frigidity, sexual repression etc have long been used as male arguments to get women to accept sexual practices that they don't want to participate in. The arguments for the existence of porn do not need to rely on disparaging remarks about the sexual frigidity of those who campaign against it.

My link with dislike of porn and low self esteem comes from a mixture of things.

It comes from MN and it comes from people I know in real life.

I've quite often heard women say they're unhappy with their weight/bodies in general/age etc...and that porn often magnifies that for them.

Fair enough worra.

sunshine you weren't! When I first read that I was

Worra - this: I've quite often heard women say they're unhappy with their weight/bodies in general/age etc...and that porn often magnifies that for them. is where the debate gets very interesting (and complex) IMO.

I could argue that being compared to porn stars is what causes self-esteem issues, rather than self esteem causing a dislike of porn. However, I think it's impossible to do that without looking at the wider media and the constant bombardment of images (often retouched) showing female perfection, whether that's in terms of appearance or behaviour. The notion of the ideal woman is far more influential than anything comparable for men, yet it's often considered a totally different argument to porn. I think porn is merely a part of it though.

Frigidity, sexual repression etc have long been used as male arguments to get women to accept sexual practices that they don't want to participate in. The arguments for the existence of porn do not need to rely on disparaging remarks about the sexual frigidity of those who campaign against it.

That's absolutely spot on (sadly)

And equally the argument about exploitation is often used as female arguments to get men to accept they shouldn't support the sex industry....despite many of those females supporting other inhumane industries themselves.

I think it's a never ending debate really and one no-one will ever agree on.

I thought that was all quite civil.

High five