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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Porn sites

81 replies

egg33 · 14/02/2012 23:15

Iv just discovered that my children's father has become a member of some porn sites (he made the mistake of leaving the trail of one of them on the home pc) . We have 2 children under 3 and as a result once a month sex if that. I am really offended. He says it's just a release but the way he approaches me now is as if I was a porn star and it's really offputting. I feel lost and demoralised. Please does anyone have any advice that have been in similar circumstances. I'm not offended by porn itslef... Just the way it's come I to our lives....

OP posts:
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 15/02/2012 10:39

Hi Worra - without going into my friend's history, I know she's been in relationships where she's done sexual things she's not happy with to please her partner - I know she's watched porn with men before because she thinks they will like it. As for as "lines" are concerned, I'm talking about getting her to say things - just sexual stuff I guess she doesnt feel comfortable with. Obviously not talking cheesy "howdy maam I hear your copier's down" type thing....!

Not being there when they are DTD I couldn't tell you whether or not she's imagining it due to other issues... :)

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 10:39

These are your words and maybe say more about what you think about men who consume porn

I find an industry rife with trafficking, exploitation and underage stuff wrong. And I find your view that "most men watch porn so it's ok" wrong. I don't think it's true either.

MrsClown · 15/02/2012 10:39

IMHO if it is upsetting you then he should not be doing it. You should be his priority and not the porn. YANBU - I definitely would not be ok with it. It never ceases to amaze me what some women will put up with. I have interviewed women who use porn and they only usually use it when men ask them to.

I know lots of men who do not use porn. The men I have discussed it with have told me that most porn is fairly violent towards women and even when it isnt violence it just portrays women as 3 holes. Infact a male friend of mine became addicted to internet porn and it took him ages to get away from it. He used to contact me in tears.

MissS - I suggest you look into the porn thing a bit more before you make your decision that it is not really a problem then you may find out why the OP is so offended.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2012 10:39

I agree Rinder but I think there's more chance of shitting on the moon sadly.

Bocca isn't Prince Albert dead? That's some sort of niche porn Shock Grin

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 15/02/2012 10:41

when it isnt violence it just portrays women as 3 holes. Very accurate.

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 15/02/2012 10:41

That's me all over worra - niche everything!

Grin
WorraLiberty · 15/02/2012 10:42

Oh I see ButWhy I really was imagining a moustached plumber telling her, her pipes need seeing too Blush

ilovebabytv · 15/02/2012 10:42

From your op am i right in understanding that you dont have a problem with porn per se but that your problem is with the fact that your dp is using porn as a direct result of your sex life only occurring once a month due to young children?

sunshineandbooks · 15/02/2012 10:43

There is nothing inherently wrong about watching strangers having sex on a screen. However, that's not what a lot of porn is. There are exceptions of course, such as ethical porn and the 'joy of sex' type, but a lot of porn objectifies women and exploits them, with some forms of porn being nothing more than a cinematic presentation of violence against women despite the faked groans of pleasure.

If you want to watch porn, that's fine, like I say, it's just naked bodies on screen participating in a perfectly normal human behaviour. But - and it's a big but - ask yourself why people want to do that on screen for other people's viewing pleasure. Do you honestly believe that ALL the participants are doing it because they get a kick out of it? Because if you do you're living in wilful denial. Figures put the number of women in porn who have been trafficked, exploited, coerced, or forced through sheer desperation, at about 75%.

If you want to watch porn, make the effort to find out more about the industry and source the stuff that has been made by willing participants. It is out there but you'll have to look for it. If you can't be bothered, that's fine but you should be aware that you are wilfully contributing to an industry that exploits and harms.

OP, your feelings here are valid. There is lots of evidence to show that porn affects men's relationships with women. This depends a lot on what is watched, how often it's watched, and the context in which it is watched. Porn can rejuvenate some couples' sex lives and it has a place. But suffice it to say that a man who consistently prefers to watch porn rather than enjoy real sex with his partner has a problem. Hardcore porn in particular has been linked to an increase in violence towards women because it encourages the viewer to see women as a receptacle, not quite fully human and whose sole purpose is to pleasure men. Given that your partner is expecting you to behave like a porn star, I'd say he's watching too much and it's not the right stuff. And he's certainly not considering your feelings in all this.

I think the only solution to this is discussion. Get him to think about the industry and why contributing to the rape and exploitation of women is deeply, deeply unsexy. If he's a decent human being, he will be sickened and want to switch to porn that he knows has been produced without that background. Tell him that you feel cheapened by his porn-star approach to sex and that you feel it demeans you as a woman. Point out that most porn isn't a realistic representation of normal, loving sex so why would he want to have sex that makes you feel hurt, demeaned and exploited? That's not the actions of a loving partner. You could also - if you are up for it - try making your own porn films, but I wouldn't advise that until you've got some way towards resolving this already, as I think it would be more than likely to make you feel cheap if you did it too soon.

Hope you find a happy resolution.

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 10:47

This just reminded me of something I saw on rude tube - they had a woman recording "sex" noises for porn by sucking on her thumb and all sorts. She contrasted greatly to what was being portrayed in the porn, a little like the sex chat lines where the woman's actually doing her ironing or something on the other end of the phone not writhing around in a thong to your voice.

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 10:47

And what sunshine said.

DinahMoHum · 15/02/2012 10:51

my advice/pov is that having young children does not mean you cant have sex. if you dont want sex, or you both dont want it, or arent making time for it, then thats a seperate issue, and you need to look at why, and both try and make an effort to get that back on track. I think your a reaction just shows you that deep down you do want to have a sex life because youre feeling a bit jealous and put out by the discovery that hes masturbating. I also wonder if youre slightly projecting what you are imagining his motives are when he does try and initiate sex with you now.
You could look at it as him coming onto you like youre a porn star, or you could look at it as him coming onto you because he fancies you and wants to try out some new things with you and is trying to find what excites you both these days. You can either put a negative spin on it, or a positive one.
I would go easy on the fact hes been watching it. Its a fairly common thing for men (and women) to do even when they do have regular sex, let alone if theyre having a dry spell and being rejected a lot. We all have needs that need meeting somehow

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2012 10:56

The argument that no-one really knows whether anyone's being exploited so it's best to steer clear of all porn would stand up better, if the people concerned about it bought fair trade everything.

I've never seen a woman consider ending a relationship because her DP bought her a box of teabags that didn't carry the fair trade label. So sometimes that leads me to believe it's more about their self esteem than the exploitation of women...which is understandable by why not be honest about it?

I also know a lot of women who won't question where or how their designer handbags were made and who may/may not have been exploited, yet mention porn and that's the first thing they'll say.

No-one should be forced to put up with anything that makes them truly unhappy, and I think explaining exactly why they're unhappy to their partners will make them more understanding than displaying double standards (if indeed they are.)

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 11:00

I also know a lot of women who won't question where or how their designer handbags were made and who may/may not have been exploited, yet mention porn and that's the first thing they'll say.

Applauds example.

campariandlemonade · 15/02/2012 11:02

butwhyisthegingone
yes v v similar happened to someone very close to me, and in her case it did finish the relationship and caused untold damage to her self esteem/body image, and still does years later. It does make some women very unhappy to feel they just HAVE to put up with it, despite it damaging their relationship and self esteem, and I don't think the "that's just what men do" etc comments help at all.
I wouldn't knowingly continue to do something which I knew was making my OH miserable, regardless of my feelings about it, and I expect the same from him.
Also agree relationships board might help more egg
Hope one way or another you get the help and support you need with this

campariandlemonade · 15/02/2012 11:07

and everything sunshine said

shareatip · 15/02/2012 11:09

Wow, ourlady and lilac, you really know how to make newbies feel welcome here. By age group, it's a very wide bracket but I assume OP's oh is not under-age and not over 70, will that do? And re the "new reserves", unless OP has seen what her oh is actually looking at, she cannot know whether it might be the kind of thing she could get to enjoy herself.

The comments about ethical porn are very valid, ditto the talk to him advice.

Please don't shoot me down for trying to help someone who seems upset and hurt. I can see this is a topic that polarises but there are better ways of presenting differing povs than turning on each other.

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 15/02/2012 11:12

I've never seen a woman consider ending a relationship because her DP bought her a box of teabags that didn't carry the fair trade label. So sometimes that leads me to believe it's more about their self esteem than the exploitation of women...which is understandable by why not be honest about it?

Oh, you've got me. I don't agree with porn, and it's because I just feel so gosh darn ugly next to the girls who perform in it.

sonicrainboom · 15/02/2012 11:13

I also know a lot of women who won't question where or how their designer handbags were made and who may/may not have been exploited, yet mention porn and that's the first thing they'll say.

Because the abuse in porn is very visible. The pleasure is often very obviously faked and porn is frequently violent.

Never heard of someone masturbating to abused sweatshop workers making handbags.

sunshineandbooks · 15/02/2012 11:13

I don't think you can compare tea-picking to porn TBH.

Granted, exploitation of tea-pickers contributes to the misery of life for the tea pickers and contributes to a culture of big business built of the back of slave labour. It affects those involved in the trade as workers, businesess and consumers.

Porn OTOH has a far more wide-reaching effect. It is now so widely available and mainstream that it has had an effect on our general culture. Think about the rise in brazilian waxes, anal bleaching, pop lyrics aimed at 12-year-olds featuring lines about whips and chains, the fact that domestic violence is increasing among teens and young adults and that young teens - whose ideas about sex are still being formed - are able to freely watch porn that just 20 years ago would have been inaccessible to their parents.

Porn affects ALL women, regardless of whether they watch it. Of course, the argument is far more complex that porn is bad, no porn is good, because it is a hugely ranging medium and it's prevalence has more to do with the misogyny existing in mainstream media generally than it does the sex industry in particular IMO, but I don't think anyone should watch porn without thinking about these issues.

I also think the argument that one shouldn't take a moral stance on one thing unless you are prepared to take one on everything is a bit of a cop out. Although, as it happens, I do buy fair trade tea, coffee and chocolate and I don't buy designer goods Wink.

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 11:14

I think it's telling that you refer to him in your original post as your 'children's father' and not DH or DP.

Pantah630 · 15/02/2012 11:14

The OP doesn't sound right to me I've just discovered that my children's father.... Is he your OH, Ex or just a sperm donor? If you've only just discovered this fact and only have sex once a month, how is he treating you like a pornstar? Sounds more like wanting to continue the great porn debate, love it or hate it, none of us will agree!!

Pantah630 · 15/02/2012 11:15

X post oops

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2012 11:19

See the sarcasm and deliberate misunderstanding usually does come out in force when (what I consider to be) a logical argument.

There are many many exploited adults and children working in absolutely dreadful conditions and having their lives/health put at risk on a daily basis to produce designer labels, tea, chocolate and many other things.

That is why I think if someone truly feels for exploited people, they might want to extend that beyond the porn industry.

sunshineandbooks · 15/02/2012 11:24

I also don't get the self-esteem argument.

My self-esteem is good enough that I don't find it necessary to take part in unwanted sex acts or condone an industry that exploits women simply in order to keep my man. If I had poor self-esteem, surely I'd be willing to let him do whatever he wanted out of fear that rocking the boat would result in him leaving me and getting his kicks elsewhere.

Over the millennia, however, women have put up with all sorts of abuse and exploitation because "that's how all men behave" so it's ok (they don't and it isn't.).