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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or ungrateful to think that a present of 2 nights B&B is a thoughtless present.

124 replies

LizziePizzie · 14/02/2012 15:45

Please don't get me wrong here, it is at a VERY nice posh spa hotel, but here in lies the problem. My husband and I are going to have to pay for food and any spa treatments. Its like a brilliant present but with a financial burden attached to it. We are being forced to spoil ourselves when we would rather just save money.

We wouldn't have chosen to spend money on ourselves in this way at all, but now booked, (over mothering sunday weekend so an excuse to spoil me!) we are looking forward to it!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2012 20:21

anti...but they do have childcare arranged

I get the impression that the child care was sorted at the time of the gift-giving

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 14/02/2012 20:22

£45

trixymalixy · 14/02/2012 20:22

YABvvvvvvvvvU!!!!! Forget about the spa and food, and just enjoy a couple of child free nights. I presume access to the pool, sauna etc is included. What a fabulous present!!

Dozer · 14/02/2012 20:25

Forget bidding for the spa trip, let's bid for the (strange, rich and slightly controlling?) friends!

There may be many more such gifts to be had.

TheFeministsWife · 14/02/2012 20:27

I'd say YANBU. If someone bought us this as a gift we couldn't use it. We wouldn't be able to afford the petrol to get there, nor the extra 4 meals and activities you have to pay for either. It would actually be a waste of the gifter's money.

Antidote · 14/02/2012 20:28

AnyFucker that's one problem sorted, and that's fine. But there are other issues.

Don't get me wrong, I do think it is a very generous gift, but I do think presents that demand something of the recipient are potentially problematic. A weekend like this would be hell for me & DH.

lisad123 · 14/02/2012 20:30

me and 6 friends have booked a house for the weekend in a few weeks as we cant afford a spa. So we are taking books, wine and meal plans are takeaway curries from waitrose and the local pub on two meals for £8!

VivaLeBeaver · 14/02/2012 20:31

I had two nights in a spa hotel last year, I couldn't afford a treatment and I went to m&s every morning for food which I kept in the mini bar. It was fantastic, lots of sleeping, reading and using the pool and sauna.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2012 20:33

hell ?

really ? A couple of nights in a luxurious hotel is hell ? I feel a bit sad that something out of the usual routine would prompt a weekend of moaning and sulking for you

childcare sorted, room and breakfast sorted...the rest can be done on the cheap if need be, or saved up for over the preceding 9 months that the vouchers were issued for

Bogeyface · 14/02/2012 20:36

Any gift that makes assumptions of the receiver is dodgy imo.

My Grandad always said never buy a woman perfume or clothes, you will always get it wrong. I would like to add holidays/weekends away for friends to that!

Bogeyface · 14/02/2012 20:38

AF, my sister is second in command at a v big and v posh spa in the middle of the countryside and even she says that her idea of hell would be a spa weekend! Where she is there is a loooong drive to the nearest shop, an even looooooonger drive to a supermarket (so more cost thanks to petrol) and absolutley sod all to do if you are not having treatments.

I wouldnt want a weekend there at all. And yes, for some people it is hell! just because you would like it doesnt mean we all should.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2012 20:44

I presume these friends of the OP had a fair idea that this gift wouldn't be the OP's version of the Seventh Circle of Hades though ?

Bogeyface · 14/02/2012 20:51

Not necessarily. My BF suggested a spa day for my hen night and was genuinely surprised when I really didnt want to. I have known her for years, but it had just never come up before!

NorksAreMessy · 14/02/2012 21:03

£65 bid, but can I please take my OWN DH, rather than yours?
Thanks

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 21:11

I wouldn't be wild about a gift like this either as I loathe 'pampering' and am skint. And if someone's really skint, the travel to and from the hotel and even buying a couple of Greggs pasties to eat in the room mean not paying the gas bill that month or something.

BertieBotts · 14/02/2012 23:04

I'm not at all interested in spas etc either, but what AF said above - being childfree and able to sleep, get drunk and shag without interruption would be lovely. I could do that quite happily in a travel inn on a motorway service station and it would be BLISS.

A nice swim without a toddler clinging desparately to me for dear life would be a bonus. A ten minute sauna without the added guilt at palming DS off on some family member we've bribed to come swimming, or indeed being interrupted by said family member's (older) DC would be amazing.

I guess I'm not really getting the spa hotel part - I've stayed at hotels which have spas before and never felt obliged to use the facilities because it's not my thing. Or is it that you would like to use the spa facilities but can't afford to and so feel a bit cheated that it's being dangled under your nose, so to speak, without being covered?

galletti · 14/02/2012 23:14

YABU

DH and I were given vouchers to a spa hotel for a significant wedding anniversary - our friends all clubbed together - We were thrilled that they had all thought about it. Yes the spa treatments cost more - not sure if I will book any yet, but WILL enjoy the free Spa facilities - the pool, sauna, gym, and just love being in a nice hotel together, away from the chores etc and having a potter around the area.

springydaffs · 14/02/2012 23:18

YAN.BU - at all

It's a gift that is going to cost you a lot of money unless you take an extra suitcase full of lots of nonperishable food

It's a half gift imo. Insensitive. Who wants to be surrounded by people splashing out loads of dosh and you can't afford to do the same, or even the basics? It's going to cost you in petrol apart from anything.

methinks a lot of YABU MNers have no idea what it's really like to be properly skint

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 14/02/2012 23:40

antidote

If it would be such hell for your dh, you could take a best friend/mother/sister/ surely? Not obliged to be dh I'm sure! Or I'm sure me or Anyfucker would be willing to step into the breach, and we promise no moaning! (no shagging required either).

OP, if you can afford petrol, to take some wine with you, and a pub meal then you are def def def VVVU.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2012 23:43

I could do a nice cuddle, or even a spooning but no shagging

BertieBotts · 14/02/2012 23:54

I know what it's like to be properly skint just I don't spend time worrying about how much money other people are spending if I'm lucky enough to be in a hotel! Why would you even notice? It's not like you're going to go to the spa, press your nose up against the window and peer in, like a dog tied up outside the butcher's.

I expect they haven't paid for spa treatments in case you didn't like them, and thought that if you did like them, you could always top it up yourself. Which is slightly insensitive/unthoughtful if you can't afford to and would like to, but would be worse if you'd hate it and yet they'd paid for it. IMO anyway.

pixielicious · 15/02/2012 04:45

OP, for what it's worth, I am one of the very few people on here who agrees with you. People say that when it comes to presents, "it's the thought that counts", and the fact that you have to pay extra when you are trying to save and would never have chosen to do this shows that very little thought has been put into the present. Just because it's a nice idea/ expensive gift doesn't necessarily make it appropriate for the person. I for one don't see the point in giving people presents if you're not prepared to take the time/effort to choose properly, and I can totally understand your frustration, because these people have put you in a position which you don't want to be in. You can't refuse the gift, as it would be rude. If you don't spend the extra money, the weekend feels like a total waste of time. So essentially, their "present" is doing the exact opposite of what a present should do: it's creating resentment and unhappiness. So in answer to your title, yes, given the circumstances, it's a thoughtless present and YANBU.

NorksAreMessy · 15/02/2012 07:49

The most honest thing to do would be to talk to the people who gave it to you.

Say exactly what you have said to us, you would love to gone, and it is an amazing gift, (lay this bit on with a trowel) but you really can't afford to and would they like to go themselves, or would they mind if you sold it on.

The advantages of this are that a) the problem goes away b) they think before they give anyone half a present again c) they might say 'oh, here's some spending money (unlikeliest scenario) d) they might go themselves e) they might give you another present (unlikely too)

It will be uncomfortable and you will have to be very diplomatic, but the alternative is uncomfortable and/or expensive, and may actually end the friendship, as you try to ignore hem or are upset with them.

Alternatively my offer of £65 still stands :)

NorksAreMessy · 15/02/2012 07:50

Oh, that last one is outcome f) they say they don't mind if you sell it on, so you sell it to Norks and pocket the cash

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 15/02/2012 08:00

Totally bu.

You do not have to use any of tge treatments if you don't want to pay for them. There will be country pubs to eat in and lots of country walks. Or you could just stay in bed, shag and eat crisps brought from home

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