Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be feeling so heart broken and let down by this?

119 replies

blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 11:59

I have been in a relationship with DP for a little over a year now.
We don't live together but see each other about three nights a week and call each other every day.

I'm very much in love with him and things are going well (or so I thought) and he tells me he loves me and cares about my children (from a previous relationship) a great deal.

We'd known each other as friends for years before we started a relationship, but when our relationship started he was in quite a bad place emotionally. He'd had a breakdown and lost his job due to this.

He's fine now and has often told me and his family that he wouldn't have coped without my support.

All fine and good, until last week when he told me totally out of the blue that he plans to go travelling in June this year for a few months and if he gets the opportunity he plans to live there.

He said he told me early rather than just disappearing in June because he cares about me and loves me a great deal and so that I can decide whether to end things now or else wait until June when he goes!

I was extremely upset about all of this and he couldn't understand why. He says it's something he has to do and although he may come back after a few months, he doesn't want me hanging on waiting just incase he doesn't come back.

He told me that he doesn't view our relationship as serious as we don't live together or have children together and we're not married. He also told me he doesn't see us being together in the future.

I'm so desperately hurt. I didn't realise he felt this way as before he's told me how much he loves me and how he won't mess things up and how nobody has ever fulfilled him like I do.

If he loves me so much then how can he just pack his bags and go with the hope of never returning?

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 13/02/2012 12:06

I think you are going to have to go through the process of being broken hearted OP, he is giving you a very very clear message here, he does not see you as serious and does not love you enough. I am sorry.

Its hard, but as you have kids you cant afford to be with someone that does not value enough, as you know.

I think you are going to have to dust yourself off, and move on. and find someone, in due course. that does want a family life

Deflatedballoonbelly · 13/02/2012 12:09

I must admit, as I started reading your OP he sounded more boyfriend like as opposed to a partner. Sorry if that looks mean, its not meant to be.

I should bet your are heartbroken, oh dear Sad

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:10

That's what I was thinking porcamiseria. :(

He keeps telling me how much he loves me and how he will really miss me when he's gone, but if he really did love me, then he wouldn't go in the first place, would he?

Just two weeks ago he invited me out for his mothers birthday and told me I'm part of his family now and that's why he wanted me there, now he's telling me he wants to leave and he doesn't view us as being in a serious relatinship.

I feel so confused and devastated.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 12:11

I think you saw it as more of a serious relationship than he did.

He sees you as a girlfriend, not a partner. That doesnt mean he cant love you, and at least he has had the decency to be upfront and honest with you about how he plans his future. It isnt what you want, and that is going to be horrible for you, and very upsetting.

He was recovering from a breakdown when you met, so you have probably been a major part of his recovery, but he wants something more :(

TroublesomeEx · 13/02/2012 12:11

OP Sorry to hear this, and I think porcamiseria is right.

You see him as your partner, he sees you as his current girlfriend. You're clearly at different stages in your lives and it is no more or less than that. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do though.

It sounds as though he thinks he's letting you down gently, when in reality he's just giving you false hope. Sad

I don't think there's going to be anything you can do about this, just be thankful you found out now instead of down the line.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:12

I didn't think you sounded mean Deflated, we intended on not getting into a seriois, heavy relationship right away.

We'd both had very bad, serious relationships in the past and wanted to take things slowly with our relationship and have time apart from each other to do our own thing.

I'm totally gutted though, I love him so much. :(

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 13/02/2012 12:12

Not unreasonable at all to be broken hearted OP it sounds like he has misled you quite a bit about where the relationship was going.

However he has been very clear about how he feels now and I think you need to give yourself time to be upset then pick yourself up and move on.

Greythorne · 13/02/2012 12:15

I agree with the other posters.

I suggest you cut loose as soon as possible as it's going nowhere and hanging on until June just prolongs the agony.

Sorry. I know the pain of heartbreak and so it's not litly that I recommend this course of action.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:17

Squeakytoy, that is what makes me so angry, that I was a major part of his recovery and now that he's recovered, he's leaving me to go travelling.

I feel so used.

I also feel so pathetic and worthless right now and so unwanted. I hate this.

I know in my heart I should end our relationship now, otherwise I'm just being strung along.

I went out with a friend on Saturday night and he kept questioning me as to whether I was going to try and meet someone else ( I wasn't, I just wnated to chill out and have a good night with my friend) but I couldn't understand why he was getting so jealous!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 12:17

You can love someone without being in a relationship with them. I would say he sees you as almost a sister figure in his life, but there is also an equal chance that one he is away from you, he will realise that he misses you more than he expected.

Now that he has told you this, I wouldnt wait around until June hoping he changes his mind though... I would scale down the relationship to friendship, and get on with life.. go out on dates, build up your social life, and put yourself first.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:26

I know you're right Squeakytoy. I'm so scared of ending it though. I'm a Mum to two disabled children and as such I can't get out as much as I'd like and have few friends. The ones I do have are very busy with their own lives and I often get very lonely.

I don't think I could remain friends with him as I love him and couldn't bear to put on the pretense of friendship.

What I don't understand is, how I've been trying to withdraw emotionally, but he keeps asking me to hug him and kiss him and he tells me he loves me so much.

Just the other night he sent me a message on Facebook saying "I love and care about you so much, don't think I don't!!!"

My head is a mess! :(

OP posts:
FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 13/02/2012 12:32

He doesn't love or care enough if he's treating you this way, he's being mean. nasty and selfish. He's keeping you dangling by sending you FBs like that.

The best thing you could do for yuo would be get rid, but I appreciate it's just not that simple. Have a [hug].

I am so sorry he's being so awful.

notfluffyatall · 13/02/2012 12:39

"He doesn't love or care enough if he's treating you this way, he's being mean. nasty and selfish."

No he's not. He's free to do as he chooses, while he hasn't said the relationship wasn't forever, he never said it was. Not appropriate or fair to slate him for doing what he feels he needs to do with HIS life.

Sorry OP, I can totally understand you're sadness. I agree with others who say to break it off now. And he needs to let you go too. I'm not sure how you could continue like this. You wouldn't want him to stay with you because he felt he owed you for your support anyway, I'm sure, we're all worth more than that.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:39

I agree I should end it. I just can't find the strength to do it.

I also feel like I'm being kept dangling. Almost as if he wants me to be around for him until he leaves in June.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 12:41

Have you actually explained to him how hurt you feel?

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:41

not fluffyatall, he actually did tell me he wanted to marry me in the future and just last year (November time) he was looking at managing a pub and he asked me if I'd live with him in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:42

I tried yesterday Squeakytoy, and he said he didn't think I'd be that upset and he didn't think I had such strong feelings for him.

OP posts:
notfluffyatall · 13/02/2012 12:45

"not fluffyatall, he actually did tell me he wanted to marry me in the future and just last year (November time) he was looking at managing a pub and he asked me if I'd live with him in it."

That's a shame, I can see how you feel so let down. You really don't want him to just stay because he feels he owes you something though, that'd never work. It's hard but you need to let go, broken hearts are horrible but they do mend in time, just try to remember that.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 12:48

Maybe then there is some hope.. (I dont want to give you false hope).. but if he was under the impression that you didnt have such strong feelings for him, perhaps this was his way of pushing it into the open.. sounds like communication in this department is a bit astray for both of you.

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 13/02/2012 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:52

He still wants to go though Squeakytoy. I think I will just have to end it. :(
I don't want to be strung along, and be used simply as someone to be there for him until he goes away.

He told me he's approaching 30 now and hasn't done enough with his life and this is why he wants to leave.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 13/02/2012 12:53

He clearly isnt sure about his own feelings or indeed what he really wants from life and the idea of going travelling with the i may or may not come back bit is really because he has no idea where he is himself. you have to be strong - you are strong - so sit him down, tell him about the mixed messages he keeps sending and that if he did really love you he wouldnt be doing this. if you dont then you will stay dangled on the string all the time he is away and when he comes back and you deserve more than this. sorry but you know already that you need to end it so you can draw a line under this part of your life, grieve for it and move on. If he goes away and comes back and wants to take up with you again then you can face that if/when it happens. it is very sad but most relationships do end and quite a few of those endings leave one half devastated by it. he sounds a bit of a weak person to me - telling you what he thinks you want to hear rather than what he really feels. good luck.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 13/02/2012 12:55

Rhinosdonteatpancakes, I can totally understand his need to go travelling, he told me in early January that he was thinking of going travelling for few months in June and I was absolutely fine with that. I told him I'd miss him, but that if he felt the need to go then I was totally supportive of his decision.

It's just last week, when he told me that he hoped to stay, that's when I felt so awful. :(

OP posts:
fluffiphlox · 13/02/2012 12:56

Oh, nearly 30. I thought he was 19

wordfactory · 13/02/2012 12:56

OP, this is very hard, but if he wants to go then he has to go...

I shouldn't carry on seeing him though, as all his planning etc will just upset you. Be kind to yourself.