to be feeling so heart broken and let down by this?

[blueballoon79]

I have been in a relationship with DP for a little over a year now.
We don't live together but see each other about three nights a week and call each other every day.

I'm very much in love with him and things are going well (or so I thought) and he tells me he loves me and cares about my children (from a previous relationship) a great deal.

We'd known each other as friends for years before we started a relationship, but when our relationship started he was in quite a bad place emotionally. He'd had a breakdown and lost his job due to this.

He's fine now and has often told me and his family that he wouldn't have coped without my support.

All fine and good, until last week when he told me totally out of the blue that he plans to go travelling in June this year for a few months and if he gets the opportunity he plans to live there.

He said he told me early rather than just disappearing in June because he cares about me and loves me a great deal and so that I can decide whether to end things now or else wait until June when he goes!

I was extremely upset about all of this and he couldn't understand why. He says it's something he has to do and although he may come back after a few months, he doesn't want me hanging on waiting just incase he doesn't come back.

He told me that he doesn't view our relationship as serious as we don't live together or have children together and we're not married. He also told me he doesn't see us being together in the future.

I'm so desperately hurt. I didn't realise he felt this way as before he's told me how much he loves me and how he won't mess things up and how nobody has ever fulfilled him like I do.

If he loves me so much then how can he just pack his bags and go with the hope of never returning?

Fluffiphlox, why did you think he was 19?

I know deep down that I should stop seeing him.

Last night he rung me and said he wanted to see me for a few hours, but I told him No as I was tired and wanted time to myself.

But he's told me he's going to come and see me today after work and spend some time with me. I agreed, although I feel now that I shouldn't have done!

Why have you agreed to see him OP? text him and tell him not to come round at least for a couple of weeks so you can get your head around what you want to do. you arent a convenience, you are a person! How are you going to discuss his plans with him when all the time you don't want him to go. the moving on bit has to start today or the longer you leave it the longer it will take to get over. it is hard i know that but please put yourself first.

Hard to post with a sense of irony, I'm sure it's got me in trouble before. It seemed to me from your post that his behaviour (wanting a girlfriend, breaking up with her to go travelling, without, on the surface at least, much thought given to the impact on you and your family) seemed quite teenager-ly

notfluffyatall I actually happen to think it IS mean, nasty and selfish to tell someone you want to go travelling with the end idea of living away, and can't decide whether to dump them now or later, "Will you please decide for me" then in the meantime tell them how much you love and care for them just to add to the confusion.

He should have just grown a pair, explained he wanted to do this, and then said "Sorry but it's over". Not string OP along and expect her to make the hard decisions.

In you place OP, I think I would end things now.

It's going to be an awful few months if you stay together knowing he's planning to leave and hoping he will change his mind.

And your children will find it hard to understand too.

I don't know why he has acted the way he has, but I think I would just tell him that things are over. I'd say that I loved him but could see that he had made his decision and I wasn't prepared to let myself (or my children) be hurt anymore than I already was by prolonging the break-up while June.

I really don't understand that at all and it smacks of his wanting to have his cake and eat it. He can still carry on as normal until June, seeing you, presumably having sex with you, visiting your house, being involved with your children while you dangle on a string feeling awful because you know he's planning to disappear without a backward glance come June.

No, I wouldn't have that at all. If he's planning to leave you in June he should be man enough to make himself the 'bad guy' and end the relationship himself now.

All this giving you the option business really sounds like the cowards way out to me. He's already made the decision, he just wants you to say the words so he can say you ended things, not him.

I am sorry OP, I hope saying that hasn't upset you, but it really was the gut feeling I had when reading your post. He doesn't care either way if you end things now or in June, because in his heart he's already left you and gone. But he might still get the convenience and fun of having a girlfriend if you wait and he gets to avoid looking like the one who ended things by by making you decide when the break-up he wants actually takes place.

I suppose because I'm feeling weak mummymeister :(

I want to see him and I don't feel strong enough right now to tell him I can't.

I suppose part of me is hoping that he'll realise what a mistake he's making and decide to only go travelling for a few months, but then come back.

Only in November, he was talking about finding a pub to manage and asking me to move in with him if he did.

I keep hoping it's a flight of fancy he's having.

He's been having problems regarding his children too. His ex has stopped him from seeing them and he hasn't been able to see them for a year. I keep hoping that it's just because he's feeling unhappy with certain aspects of his life that he just wants to run away right now, if you see what I mean.

He's always asking me if I love him too and asking me to show him loads of affection and I can't understand why if he wants to leave eventually.

Noonesgoingtoeatyoureyes, that is how I feel too. I asked him yesterday why he couldn't just go for a few months and then come back. I would be fine with him doing that. I'd miss him a lot but I'd cope.

He told me that he can't tell me what he's going to do as he hasn't decided himself yet and that he may very well cme back after only a month, but he can't say for sure.

I asked him how was I supposed to decide what to do when I don't even know what his plans are and he said he just didn't want me to get hurt and that he wants to remain friends with me if I do decide to end things and that he loves and cares about me a great deal, just that he has to go.

He's spoken to his brother about it and told me that his brother said that if he feels he has to go, then he should go, but to try not to hurt me too much in the meantime.

I don't quite understand how they both think I won't be hurt by all this?

He isnt going to realise his mistake and not go. he is never going to run a pub with you. you are not weak - you are a strong mother and better than this being messed about. does he still want sex during these next 4 or 5 months? he wants all the cake - nice words from you, affection etc and none of the washing up. of course he wants you to show him loads of affection - so would i who wouldnt. He's all over the place and is as i said before only saying to you what he thinks you want to hear. text him and tell him not to come and keep texting him. you cant make someone love you enough to want to marry you they either do or they dont and he doesnt. everyone on this thread thinks the same - we cant all be wrong can we. we don't know you we are looking from the outside and we can all see it. take heart from that and stop pandering to his every need when he shows no inclination to consider your needs. sorry but you have to just do it and do it now or you are in for months of unhappiness and i wouldnt wish that on you.

He's always asking me if I love him too and asking me to show him loads of affection and I can't understand why if he wants to leave eventually.

Ah. OK, basically he is one of those men who needs to have someone around who loves and needs him, and craves the reassurance that he has this.

He is telling you he is not serious about you, and yet at the same time dangling all these ideas about future marriage/being part of his family because his ego is so fragile that he cannot bear the thought that you might not want him, even though he doesn't really want you.

Hence his jealousy that you might meet someone else.

He also sounds like a bit of a fantasist; someone who is very taken with the idea of a real relationship, but in no way ready to actually have one.

You must be heartbroken, and it's not your fault. You just beleived what he told you.
He is not being straightforward, and he is making the decision yours to absolve him of any wrongdoing.

Have a good cry, thank your lucky stars you found out sooner rather than later and then draw a line under it.

He doesnt know what he wants, he seems to be the type that will always be looking over his shoulder for a better offer, whether it be work, travel or a relationship.

Ive been there and done that and have the child to prove it.

Respect yourself enough not to be used for a bit of fun before he buggers off.

The sooner you end it properly the sooner you will move on and feel better, and you will feel better, in a few months time you`ll see things much more clearly and probably with a sense of relief.

This man is a headfuck.... been there and got the t shirt and all I can say is for your own sake cut him loose.

He's not thinking about you in all this so you must think of yourself and cut him loose x

Sorry, I agree with the other posters . If he really wanted to put your feelings first, he would let you move on rather than constantly demanding attention from you in the manner of an insecure toddler.

He ought to be grown up about this, but instead he wants to keep open the option of easy company ,convenient sex , and quite possibly help with the logistics of his travel plans. Keeping you hanging on also gives him a simple escape plan if the staying abroad doesn't work out. Sorry lovely, it sounds like he is using you.

OP I don't think he's better from his break-down.

He sounds like there is still a lot of baggage from his past relationship and he's being prevented from seeing his children.

He's certainly not in the place that you are and he's stringing you and your children along, telling you he loves you but plans to leave you, and he's making you decide when the relationship ends officially, now or in June, so he can pretend to himself that he did the right thing.

In his eyes, your relationship is already over. I'm sorry, but it is. Because if he really wanted it to continue he wouldn't be doing this, and if he wasn't such a coward he would have ended things properly now himself.

His brother telling him not to hurt you too much is, I'm sure, his brother's way of telling him not to drag things out for months and leave you anyway.

It would be kinder to you and your children to end it now. The brother knows that. But he's too cowardly to do it.

I know it will hurt you if you end things now, but it will also hurt you in June and there are months between now and then for you to drag things out and feel awful.

Please don't drag things out hoping he will change his mind or come home within a month of leaving.

You are not weak and even though it hurts, you will be okay. I really believe that if you just tell him to go now and not contact you again, to not string you along or expect you to remain friend, to just stay away from you and your children from now until he leaves in June, by the time he goes you will feel better.

And in a years time the only regret you will have is the regret of keeping him in your life so he could drag all this out and make you miserable.

....so he's got kids here but he's thinking about emigrating? Whaaaat?

If he's changed from "I want to manage a pub, please live with me", to "I want to go travelling and maybe move to another country permanently" in the space of 3 months, this is not a guy who can give you the stability you want.

Think about it this way- this relationship is over. You can either end it now with a short, sharp shock, or you can let it drag on. If you go for the second option, I can guarantee every time you think about it in years to come you will say to yourself "fuck me, I was a mug". I hope I don't sound too judgypants, you just seem too lovely to be treated like this!

You say he's had MH issues, it sounds to me that he's a fairly messed up individual who will never be much cop as a long-term partner. Cut him off and move on, , and bear in mind that you would have got sick of the whiny neediness before much longer, anyway.

The way I see it is the guy probably does love you in his own way or certainly has feelings for you.

However there are ambitions and things that he wants to do in his life. If he didn't at least make an attempt to do them he would feel angry and resentful both at himself and you if you persuaded him to stay.

I don't think he is being unreasonable to be honest. He has told you his plan, he has told you that he doesn't see a future with you long term.

There are many different degrees of love. Clearly you love him more than he loves you or certainly you had pinned more of your dreams on to him than the other way round.

I can see why you are heartbroken and I have to say I have been in both postions of this relationship.
I have loved someone but not enough to want to be with them for ever and take on their past.

I am going to come at this from a slightly different angle.

I think he's being a realist.

He wants to travel. He wants to go and see the world, and he wants to do so for an indeterminate amount of time. There is actually nothing wrong with that. You are in a relationship, but as he said it is not a serious relationship as you don't live together, don't have children together and haven't actually made any kind of commitment to one another. So while the relationship might be based on some serious feelings and emotions, the ground of the relationship is not serious yet. iyswim.

He is going to be away for some months, and I assume that as yet he doesn't actually know how long that is going to be for. And that is where the difficulty lies, because being in a non committed relationship where you don't know how and when you might see each other again or what the future holds is very, very difficult. Because while he's away travelling he is going to change, and you are going to change, and things will happen in your lives that the other is not a part of. And at the moment he is not ready to put a time stamp on making a commitment to you, and equally there is nothing wrong with that.

But instead of keeping you hanging on, he is saying that he needs to go away, and that he doesn't know where or when or for how long or even whether things might happen while he's away that might lead him to thinking he doesn't want to come back. And as such he doesn't want you to feel that you should hang around waiting for him because he wants you to be happy.

If you'd posted that he was going away for an unspecified period of time and wanted you to wait around people would be saying no, end it now, he's an inconsiderate twat. At least he's been up-front with you and said that he can't currently make a commitment to you and that he wants you to be happy. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you - it just means that he doesn't want to hurt you in the long-term, and that at the moment, he can't guarantee that won't happen. I think you need to listen to him, and hear what he is really saying.

When I was nineteen I left South Africa to come to the UK with my parents. I left a boyfriend behind who I honestly believed was the one. But I had no choice but to come back here because I'd just left school and had no job or money or anywhere to live, and so I planned to ome back here, save up the money needed and then go back with hopefully some work experience and we would be together. But it doesn't work like that. Time and distance make lots of changes both to individuals and to relationships. A year after I'd left I did actually book my ticket home, but the day I booked it he called and told me he'd met someone else. Was he a bastard for doing that to me while I was away? possibly, but in truth it was probably inevitable - I was 6000 miles away, with no guarantee as to when I was going to come back, or even if I would be able to - perhaps he should have ended it first but in reality he still loved me - he just learned to love someone else. I'm not bitter - and in retrospect I think that had we just parted with the understanding that we didn't know what the future held, we might both have ended up less hurt than we were by hanging on to the dream of being together for ever, even though we didn't know whether or not that was ever going to happen.

In hindsight perhaps I shouldn't have told him I would be back, but I honestly thought I would.

So I think you need to do what works for you. Be honest with your bf about how you feel, and if it is meant to be then it will be, I'm a genuine believer in that. If you love something let it go .... :)

I know you're all right. It's just that this has come completely out of the blue.
He's told me in the past how much he loves me and how he wants things to work between us as he's never been so happy with anyone before.

He tells me, he loves and cares for me a lot and that he wanted us to go away together this year.

He constantly asks if I love him and asks me to cuddle up to him etc, then the next minute he's telling me he doesn't feel our relationship is serious and that he wants to leave!

He told me that he adores my children and wants to be there for them as much as possible and now this!

My head is seriously messed up and I'm really not in a good place right now. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I'm terribly upset and finding it really hard to put on a brave face in front of my children. :(

Wannabe has posted what I was trying to say.
My head is bouncing, kids arguing and the washing machine is on spin cycle!! No wonder I couldn't express myself very well.

I hate all this 'He's a twat' just because he is following his dream and has given you time to digest his plans.
You are not living together, married or have children together.
You both have expectations of the future that unfortunate aren't the same.

Well, what kind of Stepfather would he be to your children if he doesn't see his own kids, and is maybe possibly going to emigrate to another country far away from them!

I would say is is the OPPOSITE of a realist e.g a fantasist, and selfish to boot.

He is full of shit. Ignore everything that has come out of his mouth, switch off your phone, delete him from your Facebook and move on. Honestly.

You can do far, far better.

I was thinking he sounds very manipulative.

He was stringing you along while he enjoyed/needed you but now feels he needs to be single and cut you loose. However he still gets jealous when you go out without him and lets you know this.

He is playing with you and your emotions imo.

This doesn't mean I think he is necessarily a bad person. I think he is just a young 29 year old who is still maturing emotionally and is not able to to offer a grown up stable relationship at the moment.

Particularly if he has had MH issues and a break down, this probably stunted his emotional development somewhat. I don't mean this to sound disrespectful to those with MH issues, what I am saying is he must have had to put all his emotional energy and resources at that time into getting well and getting back on an even keel. So there may be lost months or years of emotional development [ie other healthy relationships, focusing on the challenges of growing up] that he is now trying to catch up on, hence his need to be single and travel [something he may not have been in any state to contemplate seriously earlier].

I can completely understand though why you feel used and heart broken OP. I think you are in a very different place mentally and emotionally to your DP and understandably took him at word that he felt seriously about you.

If it makes you feel any better, I think your DP does love you and does feel strongly about you but at this point is unable to follow through with any serious commitment

upahill-read all the things that this man has said to OP. He is blatantly trying to have his cake and eat it. You can "follow your dream" without shitting all over other people.

upahill and wannabe, I can't understand why he keeps ringing me though and telling me he loves and cares for me so much.

He was upset this weekend that I'd made plans to go out with my friend as he wnated to spend the evening with me and then he kept asking me if I was going to be monogamous to him this weekend and not find anybody else?

He rung last night asking if a male friend of mine has spoken to me recently. This friend is supporting me right now with everything that's going on, nothing more, but my partner went onto my Facebook and read all the messages between us and warned me that my friend was only after one thing and that if he did anything inappropriate towards me he'd punch him!

I don't understand the level of jealousy if he just wants to leave anyway!

Have no advice just hope u feel waves of support, your post made me cry, a
So very sorry for u x