to be feeling so heart broken and let down by this?

[blueballoon79]

I have been in a relationship with DP for a little over a year now.
We don't live together but see each other about three nights a week and call each other every day.

I'm very much in love with him and things are going well (or so I thought) and he tells me he loves me and cares about my children (from a previous relationship) a great deal.

We'd known each other as friends for years before we started a relationship, but when our relationship started he was in quite a bad place emotionally. He'd had a breakdown and lost his job due to this.

He's fine now and has often told me and his family that he wouldn't have coped without my support.

All fine and good, until last week when he told me totally out of the blue that he plans to go travelling in June this year for a few months and if he gets the opportunity he plans to live there.

He said he told me early rather than just disappearing in June because he cares about me and loves me a great deal and so that I can decide whether to end things now or else wait until June when he goes!

I was extremely upset about all of this and he couldn't understand why. He says it's something he has to do and although he may come back after a few months, he doesn't want me hanging on waiting just incase he doesn't come back.

He told me that he doesn't view our relationship as serious as we don't live together or have children together and we're not married. He also told me he doesn't see us being together in the future.

I'm so desperately hurt. I didn't realise he felt this way as before he's told me how much he loves me and how he won't mess things up and how nobody has ever fulfilled him like I do.

If he loves me so much then how can he just pack his bags and go with the hope of never returning?

All I can do is speak from my own expierence of being in a similar position to your boyfriend.

Sometimes your own internal feelings conflict and you end up not knowing what you really want or not wanting to give something up in order to do something else.

You want one thing desprately (maybe in his case to travel) but you love something else.
Emotions are very complicated and not black and white.

I applaud him for letting you know now and not leaving it until the week before he goes as I can imagine some of the blokes I know doing.
I understand your heartbreak too.

I have looked at someone in the face and felt total passion and, dare I say it, Love for him and he was desparate for me to say that we would be together for ever and ever and yet I knew something wasn't quite there even though I had all these feelings.

Complicated and sad.

Unfortunately OP you got caught in the "pick him up and put him back together" scenario. Almost like a rebound situation.

He's better and is now off to new horizons.

I do feel for you but maybe the lesson to be learned is don't take on a lame duck in the first place.

Not meaning that to be harsh. Just realistic.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds awful for you.

But can you continue like this until June, putting on a brave face, pretending nothing is wrong and feeling so awful?

I don't think anyone here is really condemning him for leaving, if it's what he feels he has to do (although I suspect this is just another pipe dream, like the pub. He may go away but I don't know how well he has thought this through. He still sounds quite vague about not knowing how long he may be gone). Relationships end and it's very sad but nobody here would deny that it happens.

But he's inconsistent about the way he is treating you and surely he can see how much this new development has hurt you? Yet he's prepared to prolong this rather than end it.

Three months ago he was making plans to run a pub and have you live with him, he was planning a holiday for you all, inviting you to family occasions and saying it's because you are part of his family and telling you how much he loves you.

Now he's planning to leave you all and hopes that once he gets abroad he can stay there and never come back. While still telling you that he loves you.

I'm not surprised your head is messed up and my only condemnation of him is that he's prepared to let you go on feeling this way, because it's cruel and unfair.

But he's coming across as someone who has an idea, gets very enthusiastic about it and then loses interest. And I'm sorry but I think you are part of that. Like the pub, perhaps like his travel plans.

He may think he's being kind, but he's coming across as cruel and cowardly and that's the issue I have with him. He's prolonging your pain unnecessarily and hurting you much more than he might have done if he had just ended the relationship now.

mojitomania, deep down I feel that is what has happened. I'm not sure he's intentionally done it, but I do think he has used my help and support to get him to a place where he feels better about himself and now that he does, I'm unwanted.

It hurts so much, but I know this is probably true.

I think the reason I'm struggling so much is because two years ago when my DD was only 10 months old, her father just went to work one day, then never came back. It was all totally out of the blue and he told me for a week that he just needed space to get his head together, then after that week was up he ended our relationship saying that it wasn't what he wanted. It took me a long hard year to get over him and to feel happier about my life and then I started seeing my partner now and felt things were fine between us and felt happy to be in a loving relationship again.

It's only just since last week that I've found he doesn't feel the same way and wants to leave.

I'm so down and feel just worthless, like I'm never good enough for anybody to want to be with me.

I just wanted to add thank you all so much for your support, that alone is making me feel a lot better. I'm so unhappy right now. :(

Regardless of whether he actually leaves or not, from what you say he doesn't seem to be a good person for you to be around.
As previous pps suggested, and you now it, it's best to end now.

Do you even know why his ex doesn't allow him to see his children?

Blueballon
I know I have said I have been like your OP and had mixed up feelings but I have also been in the same postion as you..........and it hurts like hell!!

This was twenty plus years ago and over the last 7 years I have become friendly with the ex who broke my heart (not THAT friendly!!!) He married someone else. I remember him the other year saying something like 'I should have married you Upahill' Without even thinking about it I replied ' I'm bloody glad you didn't!!' Fair play to him he laughed and said ' I bet you are!'

And that is the truth. I cried over him, went through many different scenarios, thought there was not another man out there that was a great as him etc etc. Now bumping in to him in town once every 18 months or so and having a Costa coffee is more than enough!!

Your heart will heal in time but it's not easy while it is happening.
xx

I'm not surprised you feel confused and upset, blue. I would too!

He is certainly giving you mixed messages (perhaps because he doesn't actually want to lose you, but is trying to be fair by letting you know the score), but I have to agree with the other posters and say that you would be better off protecting yourself and your self esteem by ending things now.

I'm really sorry. You must be very hurt.

OP you are not worthless. your children need you too. These feelings you have now will be ten times worse by June if you let it drag on and on. by doing something positive now you will start to feel empowered. lean on the friends and family you have around you to get you through this but be firm with him and tell him you feel completely messed about with all these promises of committment on the one hand then the i am off to find myself on the other. doesnt he realise he takes his baggage with him. if he feels life is passing him by in the UK why will flying off somewhere make it all better? this isnt a film - its real life. It does hurt like hell at the moment but you have to stop listening to his words and judge him by his actions. did he buy the pub and move you in - no. will he be any more together after his trip abroad - i hope so but the cynic in me says no he won't. he will just assume that he hadnt been looking for "it" (whatever it is ) in the right place and go travel somewhere else. I am really sorry that you have had 2 bad experiences with men over the past couple of years. but that said what you need to do is move on and not prolong this any longer. forget everything he has told you and asked of you and look at the facts. text him today and tell him not to come round. he asked you to make a decision because he wouldnt and you have and that is that you want him out of yours and the childrens life right now.

Lueji, his ex had let him see the children up until a year ago.

His ex moved to Scotland which is the other end of the country to where we live now, when they split up which was 7 years ago. She has always been very angry towards him for leaving her and I don't know if this is why she won't let him see them.

She said because he can't see them all the time as the distance is so great, she feels it's better for their wellbeing that he doesn't see them at all.

She moved house a year ago and didn't let him know the address, and she refused to take his calls anymore or calls from the rest of his family.

He eventually found out his ex's address before Christmas and him and his family sent cards and presents for the children, but his ex refused to accept the delivery as it was from them.

She hasn't answered the phone to him on their birthdays and refused to let him wish them a happy birthday.

He doesn't even know her number now as she's changed it.

He's been seeing a solicitor to try and sort everything out, but I don't know much more than this as he refuses to talk about it as it upsets him too much.

You are not worthless-you have just been really unlucky. How awful to be left out of the blue with a 10 months old baby.
And how bloody awful to think you have met a good one, only to find he is stringing you along.
This will not be the pattern of your life OP-it's just a bad patch, and you will emerge from bruised but wiser. (I nearly typed wider! Yes, possibly also wider )
Get your mates around you, watch some good movies, read a good book and look after yourself and your kids.
The healthier,stronger and more positiveyou feel themore likely it is that the next one won't be a tosser.

OP, I really do feel for you but it's time to take a bit of control here.

You really need to tell him to get lost.

I'd also be vary wary of someone who doesn't see their kids from a previous relationship.

TBH, unless his ex has gone completely mental, I would take it as a warning.

Your still DP is already showing signs of being unreasonably jealous, plus having the weird behaviour of telling you he loves you and wanting to leave (apparently), but not really letting you go.

He doesn't understand why you are hurt and wants to act as if nothing has happened.

I'd say leave ASAP and cut all contact. Do not let yourself get sucked into this weird (at best) situation.

Blueballoon, I feel for you. This man has messed you up emotionally by giving you mixed messages. It's very unfair of him.

Like others have said, I think you should end it with him now. Don't hang around a minute longer. You cannot stay with someone who is this uncommitted to you and your kids. Emotionally, you will feel better if you just leave him and let him sort himself out on his own.

You are caring by nature. You have two disabled children. You care about this man/in love with him. My instinct tells me he is not good enough for you. Let him go. Be in control, tell him it is over and pack his stuff and leave it outside. You deserve better. I'd be devestated in your shoes. Try some therapy to help you deal with what has happened. Good luck x

amiscissimma, he told me he wanted to marry me and that he wanted to buy a pub and move into it with me and I love him very much.

If I was aware I was just going to be used to help him get back on his feet I'd never have started a relationship with him.

I have a hard tiime looking after two disabled children without just being used by him for a year as emotional support and nothing more, only to be dropped when he feels better.

I know what you're trying to say, but I do feel incredibly negative and angry. I have a lot of things myself to deal with that I find really hard and if he needed support he should have sought it elsewhere rather than promising me love and a relationship and possibly marriage.

I feel that all your instincts about this man are correct blueballoon. In my opnion he totally took advantage of your situation.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

Get your strengh back and spend it on building a better life for YOU, frpm now on, not some guy who needs to recover from anything.

Unforunately I know that you're all right and that I will have to end this now or else face being used only as support and company until he leaves in June.

I also can't put a brave face on when I know everything will be over in June.

I don't know who mentioned it earlier, but yes he does still want a sexual relationship, possibly tmi, but we've slept together a few times since he told me on Thursday that he intends to leave.

I tried talking to him about it yesterday (we hadn't properly discussed everything) and he just got angry and said he didn't want to talk about it and that I was draining his life by wanting to know how he feels

I know me and my children deserve better than this, they will be upset by this also.

I just feel so weak right now and am cross with myelf for feeling this way!

This has everything to do with his grass is greener mentality/shitty behaviour and nothing to do with how loveable/unloveable you are. The asking you if you'll be monogamous on nights out is unacceptable and cruel. Please tell him to leave for good now that he has said he's leaving. And please be kind to yourself.

Clams, I suppose it wasn't so much that he asked me if I would be, he just asked me if I was going to be and kept questioning what I would be doing.

I had no intention of doing anything anyway. I just wanted to have a laugh with my friend.

But, yes I think he feels the grass will be greener and he's not really looking at what he has and just wants more and I can't wait around until he either realises this, or finds someone else abroad.

He does love you, he does respect you, and he has probably found this decision very hard.

He would have been very very unreasonable had he set up a life with you and then decided this, but he hasn't.

You must feel very let down, but when we enter relationships its a chance, a gamble, and one I think is always worth taking.

You have a good friend who even though he loves you, cannot give you what you need and is giving you the opportunity to end it now, or hang around until June.

Its heartbreaking and horrible for you. But don't see your effort and love investment as time wasted. You have helped a friend become well enough to live the life they want to... take away the 'relationship/partner' side of it and you need to be proud.

It doesn't sound like he's lied to you, rather he hasn't been clear, and when he's said he loves you he means it very differently than you.

No wonder you feel rotten. He may one day realise what he lost, or he may always love you for what you did. You cannot hang around for that, give him your blessing. Look after yourself. x

You need to let him go and stop having sex with him! x

Manipulative and cruel. I'd get rid.