to be feeling so heart broken and let down by this?

[blueballoon79]

I have been in a relationship with DP for a little over a year now.
We don't live together but see each other about three nights a week and call each other every day.

I'm very much in love with him and things are going well (or so I thought) and he tells me he loves me and cares about my children (from a previous relationship) a great deal.

We'd known each other as friends for years before we started a relationship, but when our relationship started he was in quite a bad place emotionally. He'd had a breakdown and lost his job due to this.

He's fine now and has often told me and his family that he wouldn't have coped without my support.

All fine and good, until last week when he told me totally out of the blue that he plans to go travelling in June this year for a few months and if he gets the opportunity he plans to live there.

He said he told me early rather than just disappearing in June because he cares about me and loves me a great deal and so that I can decide whether to end things now or else wait until June when he goes!

I was extremely upset about all of this and he couldn't understand why. He says it's something he has to do and although he may come back after a few months, he doesn't want me hanging on waiting just incase he doesn't come back.

He told me that he doesn't view our relationship as serious as we don't live together or have children together and we're not married. He also told me he doesn't see us being together in the future.

I'm so desperately hurt. I didn't realise he felt this way as before he's told me how much he loves me and how he won't mess things up and how nobody has ever fulfilled him like I do.

If he loves me so much then how can he just pack his bags and go with the hope of never returning?

I tried talking to him about it yesterday (we hadn't properly discussed everything) and he just got angry and said he didn't want to talk about it and that I was draining his life by wanting to know how he feels

Oh, he did did he indeed. OP, the man's an arse.

OP, get angry and get shot!

(as in rid of course)

I suspect I've been a litt too fair on him...

He should not leave it to you to make the hard decision of when to end it... he should not be sleeping with you still. He should have ended with you. Not left it up to you.

I suspect he probably thinks he's being fair (and still gets laid til June as he knows you love him).

He should let you go.

That's how I feel aldiwhore, I feel he's counting on me being in love with him so he has someone around until he decides to leave in June.

The sexual side of things was more my fault. I slept with him because I thought that was maybe why he was unhappy.

Our sexual relationship hadn't been great over the past few weeks as I've found out DS 11 yrs old, has been self harming and is very depressed about his disability, so I wasn't exactly feeling very sexual. I've been extremely worried about DS and have been busy arranging counselling for him.

I still can't see him as ^bad' but definitely selfish.

Especially as I assume he knows what you have to deal with day to day, he could have said "I want to be your friend, I want to see you up until June, I will always be grateful for what you've done for me, but we cannot be boyfriend/girlfriend anymore".

Given everything else you have to contend with, I think you need to be the one who has some bollocks, as his seem to be lacking. Tell him he's been unfair in leaving it up to you, tell him you wish him well and would like to think you'll always be friends, but if not, then you don't want to part as enemies, but there's no 'relationship' from this point on.

You'l still be heartbroken blueballoon but at least you'll have your pride. Bless you, sometimes I do wish that I could reach out and give hugs... sorry if that sounds lame.

Christ OP. Yopu really need to get this man out of your life and concentrate on your ds at the moment.
I guarantee that if you dont see him for a month, and then read over what you have written on this thread, you will be intensely releived that you kicked him to the kerb.

I too wonder what the real story is with his kids/Ex. You only have his (very vague) side of it.
It is very unusual for a woman to react that strongly, to the point of moving and leaving no forwarding address, if there is no serious issue with the father of her children. She has moved 350 miles away and refuses to even accept gifts from him. Why?

The misplaced jealousy and the "draining my life" comment make me highly dubious about this man, besides the obvious issue that he is not interested in a serious relationship with you.

He did say we could just be friends and he'd continue seeing me until June, but that ultimately it's my choice.

But on the other hand he gets very jealous of any other man talking to me and he worries about what I'm doing on a night out! It just doesn't seem to make sense to me!

How very decent of him Blueballoon! I want to erase my first message and replace it with "The man's a cock" if I may?

You're not a charity case, don't accept his charity 'love' whilst he kills time until his move.

I don't fault him for making the choice to move and start a new life... that's sad but it happens. I'm bloody outraged now because of how he's don't it.

"If I must, I shall keep shagging you until June, I respect you soooo much and care soooo much that knowing how much you genuinely love me I shall extend your torment for 4 months whilst you desperately try and convince me to stay by putting out whenever I get a stiffy"

Get angry Blue, get fucking cross.

It doesn't make sense at all, you will not make sense of it, do not waste your time trying, you're worth more than that.

(Realise I've made a complete u-turn, I always try and see the best in people first... he's blown it very quickly)

Ditch him today.

He will continue to make you miserable for as long as you let him.

Don't waste yout time trying to understand him.

He has basically said "We have no future but I want you around until I go away to shag me and boost my fragile ego"

He does not care about you AT ALL or he would have, perhaps, appreciated that seeing as how he has back-pedalled on all his previous plans, that walking away and letting you meet someone else is the best thing he can do for you.

But he hasn't, has he?

can't add much more than whats been said, but some of the things he has said are extremely disrespectful and in no way are any good for you.

The going away thing ok, thats now his decision he's obviously not settled at all and has an enormous amount of baggage. It's turned out sadly that you have been a stop gap, maybe something he couldn't have known at the start.

BUT he cannot just utilise you till June what a fucking liberty.

yes please get angry, and tell him to piss off.

This man doesn't care about anyone but himself. He has to have women 'in love' with him because that's the only way he can convince himself he is worth anything, so he will say and promise anything to keep women dangling. One minute he'll be playing the wounded puppy card, the next it'll be how much he 'lurrrrves' you, then it will be blaming you for his problems.
Bin and move on, you'll feel better pretty soon.

Blue, the more you post the more it sounds as though he views you as a possession. He doesn't want a relationship with you, but he'll punch any man who approaches you ? Sounds worryingly possessive to me.

He's playing mind games with you to keep his own ego topped up, just at the point where you could do with some support as you help your son. You have been there when he needed somebody, he isn't willing to reciprocate.

It sounds as though your son needs your full attention now - breaking off with your boyfriend now will be horrible in the short term, but letting things drag on will be painful for everyone.

Another one who's getting crosser and crosser (with him!) the more you post. How dare he say that discussing his feelings is draining the life out of him. What does he expect you to want to discuss once he's dropped a bombshell like that?

And he should expect and accept you not feeling sexual when you have huge things like your son's self-harm to deal with.

You and your children deserve your love and energy much, much more than he does. Good luck and I hope you have the strength to get rid.

A lot of people keep mentioning his ego, which is bizarre as I actually often think he can be quite egotistical and vain.

He is a very good looking man and I appreciate how he looks but he always seems to want to press me for compliments. I compliment people I'm in a relationship with quite freely, but feel awkward giving compliments when I'm pressed for them.

I think perhaps he does just think about himself too much and not view me as a real person, just someone to support and admire him.

I am often too caring and look for the best in people, but at times there has been some real alarm bells ringing regarding certain things he has said to me.

I really hope I can find the strength to leave. I'm meeting a very close friend this week on Friday and will discuss this with her and ask her for support. She's been wonderful to me before when my daughters father left me and I'm sure she will support me again and I just hope that with the help of my friends and family I can find the courage to leave.

Thank you all of you for giving me such great advice and insight. It really has helped. I wasn't even going to post this thread today as I was worried what people would think of me, but I'm so glad I did as it has helped.

OP I am getting angry on your behalf it's about time you got angry too, yes you love this man however he is treating you like shit. Yes you are allowed to be sad, be heartbroken, and wallow for a while but you deserve better than this. If this man loved you he would not put you in this position.

Tell him that you can no longer see him, cut off contact. Do not accept any emotional blackmail do not let him make you feel guilty for his decisions.

GET RID NOW!

I agree with lots of what is said here - it IS GOOD advice.
But OP you don't live with him so you don't have to leave. Just don't ring him. For sure he will come running.
Your instinct is that there are issues. He has not been open and honest with you. For sure for sure GET RID.
Don't allow him back when he comes running. He's in it for what he can get.

lisbeth, I meant leave the relationship if you see what I mean, I know it doesn't exactly sound right though when I read it back to myself.

You're right I'm going to have to end it though. Even if he turned around now and told me he wasn't going anymore, the fact of the matter remains that I know now he doesn't view us as serious and I would just be waiting for the next bombshell.

I need much more commitment and security than that and obviously he'll never be able to give me that.

I think the reason he's giving you mixed messages is because he's not 100% sure himself of what he wants. Every time I've ended a relationship I've had times when I've worried that it wasn't the right thing to do. It's rarely cut and dried in my experience.

Part of him is trying to do the decent thing and tell you it how it is - he doesn't want what you want, he wants to travel etc. But part of him wants to keep his options open. He's not sure what his future holds, and he doesn't want to burn his bridges completely with you. The reason he's told you at all is because he was feeling guilty about not telling you, and wanted to offload that guilt, and give you the responsibility of making the final decision. That way you can be the one who decides, and the unpleasant uncertainty is taken away from him.

It's all very well telling yourself to dump him because you deserve better (which obviously you do), but it's hard to see that through when you love someone.

My approach to this would be to end the relationship, not just to save my mental health and pride, but to force him to acknowledge what a life without you would be like. If you stay with him, he'll go off travelling in June, and any sadness he feels at losing you will be eased by all the wonderful new things he'll see and places he'll go and people he'll meet etc. You need him to face up to life without you in cold England, doing all the same old things with all the same old people, but missing you, and wondering if you've got a new boyfriend yet. If he's making a mistake, and you genuinely are "meant" to be together, that is his best chance of realising it.

As hard as it will be, I honestly think it will be much much worse to watch him packing over the coming months, applying for visas, getting holiday jabs, telling friends how excited he is, and culminating in waving him off at the airport, and effectively promising to wait for him when and if he chooses to return.

Put the decision-making responsibility back on him. Tell him you can't see him any more as you need to start the rest of your life on the assumption he won't be part of it, but that he is more than welcome to change his mind and see if you're still interested. The gamble is up to him.

VelmaDaphne, I will have to end it now, as you say, watching him prepare to go is going to destroy me and I'm not giving him my company and support until June when he goes knowing that ultimately he's trampling all over my feelings.

You need to tell him how much he has hurt you and not see him in any capacity again, doing so is like picking at a scab, you need to fill the gap that he leaves - have friends round for tea or coffees on "his" nights etc but don't keep seeing him as that delays your healing

Maddening, yes I will have to totally cut contact with him. :(

I couldn't keep seeing him as a friend and I certainly couldn't keep up the pretense of being in a relationship with him when I know he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him.

I'm so upset about the whole thing, it really has just come totally out of the blue for me :(

He's a complete narcissist. Is it just a coincidence that when you need to focus on our son (and, dare I say it, actually receive some support from him) he pulls this stunt!

My money is on him not actually going anywhere in June, this is just a mindfuck. Dump him now & when he comes back later saying he's not going after all do NOT take him back.

• your obviously

Berries, I have to admit I did actually think that myself. I've been very down myself recently since finding out about my son.

I also have a lot of other hardship I'm going through right now and haven't been my usual self at all.

It did seem very coincidental to me that now is the time he decides to drop this bombshell on me.

He even mentioned some of the other stuff I'd been going through and said he's sick of hearing about it!

Yet I've been there supporting him through everything.