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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit bitter about inheritance

360 replies

ShagOBite · 12/02/2012 23:07

I had a horrible childhood, and lived in poverty. I won't get an inheritance.

Friends of mine had lovely childhoods, the best education money could buy, and as many boosts as possible to their careers. They are already much more privileged. They don't need any more money now, as their careers are ticking along nicely, and still get parental help when they can't afford a new conservatory or whatever.

Soon enough, their parents will die and leave them with even more money. That they don't need. And so the cycle continues.

I know it is bitter of me, I don't like feeling like this, but it is so unfair. I've had to work so hard to make a success of my life, it is so frustrating when others get handouts for nothing. Some of my friends have hardly ever worked, safe in the knowledge that they will be fine and dandy in a few years.

I get the argument that you work hard to provide for your kids. But if it stops them from working hard, and especially if it's 'old money' (ie. the working hard bit was done generations ago) it seems so unfair.

AIBU?

OP posts:

brandysoakedbitch · 13/02/2012 16:30

Chip on shoulder, much??? So hang on is the OP really advocating that I and Dh can work really hard and accrue lots of assets and then cannot do as we wish with them?? We have an income of I think maybe over 100k a year. We have 5 properties between us and expecting our fifth baby. We have a DD with SN and she will need support through her life financially - am I not allowed to do that? Should I just leave her to cope on her own, on the 'level playing field'?? We are both from extremely ordinary backgrounds - council houses and no one before us even finishing secondary education for example. I have received no help from my parents, left home at 16 and will receive no inheritance (my Mummy is already dead and Step Father has a new relationship) My Dh has already lost his Mummy too and their only financial support was to let him live at home during his degree (he did take out loans though and worked and contributed a bit towards his upkeep) - and now when we are reaping the rewards of all our very very hard work then we cannot leave it to our children?? really??

I know a lot of people who have started out with a lot more than me and are not in as good a financial position as me now. I also know some who started with less and have much more. I also know a lot of really quite wealthy people, some of whom work very hard and some of whom have never had to do very much - it takes all sorts and they are all as valid as one another. The voluntary work I know people do is across the board.

I did not have a peachy childhood either and I although I can understand why you imagine you are hard done by I cannot understand why you would imagine that your experience should be rolled out in some sort of bizarre 'levelling of the playing field' bullshit to make yourself feel better. Fundamentally, you want what I have and you would deprive my children of what I am able to provide them with just to make yourself feel less jealous. My suggestion would be that you get some help with your emotional issues from your childhood (which are absolutely understandable) rather than fantasising about the downfall of others and how to deprive them and their children of their inheritances. Your poor friends, do they know you look at them in such a negative light? Who needs enemies eh?

Life is not fair and all is not equal. And if someone happened an inheritance on you right now I really doubt you would say no for the sake of your 'ethics'

Original poster

ShagOBite · 13/02/2012 16:33

Who the fuck said I was "fantasising about the downfall of others and how to deprive them and their children of their inheritances"?

OP posts:

Original poster

ShagOBite · 13/02/2012 16:44

Your post has made me quite cross, bitch. (how clever of you to choose such an apt name)

I have not said that I wish any harm on anyone, just that the situation is unfair. No fantasising about anyone's downfall. How rude and stupid of you to think that is the case.

OP posts:

BrandyAlexander · 13/02/2012 16:48

Well brandy (think I'll use that bit of her name :) ) put it more, err let's say forcefully than I did but she's pretty much made the same point as me.

Original poster

ShagOBite · 13/02/2012 16:51

Don't have an issue with what either of you are saying on the whole, but the insinuation that I am plotting the downfall of others is simply untrue. Either bitch just hasn't been reading properly or has her own projection ishoos.

OP posts:

Haziedoll · 13/02/2012 16:52

YABU but I get where you are coming from.

Lots of people who I know have had lots of financial help and that will continue when they inherit their parents wealth too. It's fair enough I suppose but they just don't get how fortunate they are.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 13/02/2012 16:53

I don't think Brandys post is that bad. Maybe a little too forcefull, but there is nothing particularly offensive in there.

I think you have to expect that people will react strongly to being told that someone thinks they are doing something morally wrong by providing for their children.

Original poster

ShagOBite · 13/02/2012 17:00

The main section of her post isn't bad, but the final bit is wrong. I have said that it is unfair. It is. I have not said that I want anyone to lose their money, or that individuals are bad people, or anything of the sort. I am not "fantasising" about anyone's downfall and am hurt and upset that anyone would think that. I just wish life were a little more fair.

OP posts:

DavidaCottonmouth · 13/02/2012 17:07

If we want to talk about fairness, I think it is only fair that we get to work to provide for our children, and to let our children keep more than 50% of what we leave for them.

Anything else would be extremely unfair.

Original poster

ShagOBite · 13/02/2012 17:15

Why? You will be dead, and what has your child done to deserve more than another?

OP posts:

lesley33 · 13/02/2012 17:16

brandy is being a bit harsh on the OP imo

Haziedoll · 13/02/2012 17:17

It's not worth getting you down though.

I feel envious that my friends have lovely big family holidays in the South of France and have big enough houses to have their families to stay. They don't really need to worry about their retirement because the inheritance they will get around then will ensure they are comfortable. I don't see my family as much as I would like to. My parents both live a good distance away and are in one bedroomed properties so I can't stay with either of them and can't afford a hotel. I never really thought too much about my background until recently now the differences between my life and my middle class friends are quite noticeable.

Compare my life to a poor person growing up in war torn Somalia and I feel like the richest person in the world. We are fortunate to live in a country with free healthcare and free education. Although we have a twatty PM we still live in a democracy and have a say in how the country is run even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and make the most of what you do have. Life really is too short to dwell on things that you can't change.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 17:22

It's not about deserving it though is it OP? It's about being lucky enough to receive it.

Can you not see that this suggested redistribution of wealth, just wouldn't work.

Life is not fair I'm afraid.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 17:23

To turn it on it's head, what has your child (any child) done to deserve wealth from a random stranger?

Original poster

ShagOBite · 13/02/2012 17:24

That's my point. No child has done anything to deserve anything. That's the thing about being a child.

OP posts:

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 13/02/2012 17:24

I am really struggling to understand why some people feel that inheritance is unfair.

Maybe the child that inherits had to put up with a childhood of rarely seeing their parents because they were working so hard.

Maybe they missed out on trips or holidays when they were young because every penny went into the mortgage. Renters often have a lot more disposable income on a monthly basis than those paying a mortgage, so their children benefited for that as children, instead of as an adult with an inheritance.

Maybe, like me, their parent died when they were very young, so not only do they miss out on a parent, but you think it's unfair that they should have any financial support as well. I inherited enough to get my home, but I would rather have been able to go to my Dads when I had to leave my Mums at 17 because of her abusive boyfriend. I couldn't do that because I no longer had a Dad, but at least thanks to him I had somewhere to go.

NormanTebbit · 13/02/2012 17:26

As we are living longer, pensions turned to shit etc, I expect the hard earned wealth will actually go on my care home fees, not my children. Just like my grandad who has a good pension, " worked hard all his life etc etc" who will now be paying £800 a week for a very basic nursing home (who coykdn't even provide a coat for a visit to outpatients in January sub-zero temps and left him parked in a wheelchair there for hours without telling staff that he had arrived, nor what he was there for. £800 a week and he doesn't even get Sky sports the poor guy)

Money set to run out in September so his home will go up for sale.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 17:27

No, but if parents or other inheritors knew that the legacy they wanted to leave their family would be distributed to other people at random, they'd just give it to them anyway.

You can't do anything about it. It's crazy to suggest it's reasonable to do so.

Are you saying that through good financial planning and saving and making good investments and also a healthy dose of luck, I should be forced to hand it all over to the treasure on my death so it can be redistributed to others, rather than allowing me to give it to mine?

Do you think this is fair?

Do you think anybody would actually acquire wealth and not try to be broke upon death, if there was no way out of this?

brandysoakedbitch · 13/02/2012 17:27

I tell you what OP I have two children with quite significant disabilities - that is not fair either - I would do anything to change that but should everyone have a disabled child just to make it fairer? What a completely naive point of view you have, you are looking at your own friends with terrible jealousy and you think that instead of dealing with your understandable issues from your childhood that people should be deprived of the fruits of their parents hard work or good fortune?? . You are talking about people who are apparently friends of yours... you don't want things to be fairer you want more for yourself - to pretend that this is some kind of altruistic crusade is disingenuous at best, this is about you not feeling you have had a fair deal and trying to justify depriving others of those benefits, however they come about. My child has not done anymore than any other to deserve more but I have worked very hard as has my DH and we should be allowed to spend our money as we see fit. Like I said I cannot see you refusing an inheritance because of your principles. This is bullshit to justify your own mean nature towards others good fortune - I wonder of you would be so willing to share out the bad fortune?

Original poster

ShagOBite · 13/02/2012 17:29

You haven't read the thread, have you, kitchen roll?

I'm sure you would rather have your dad than the money. I'd rather have had a dad than money. But a change in legislation wouldn't give either of us our dads back. It could, however, address the problem that we have of some people having too much and some not having enough.

OP posts:

brandysoakedbitch · 13/02/2012 17:30

yes Blardy good point Haziedoll

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 17:30

I'll make this crystal clear.

I work and save and invest so my children can have it (what's left) when my DH and I die. I don't want to give it to other people's children.

I plan to enjoy life, give my children things where appropriate but make them learn the value of money.

I will not bankroll them and make it easy.

What's unfair about this?

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 17:31

Redistrubition of wealth will not address this problem OP.

You know this, there have been many clear examples as to why not.

yellowraincoat · 13/02/2012 17:32

Thanks for making it crystal clear. I think we could already see it crystally clear already though.

Do you understand the concept of differing opinions?

Original poster

ShagOBite · 13/02/2012 17:33

I've asked for this thread to be deleted, I'm finding it a bit upsetting. Sorry. :(

OP posts:

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