To not want to lend dds ballet tutu

[lurkinginthebackground]

Ok I am absolutely prepared to get flamed and be told that IABU.

My dds dance and do festival dances -basically dance competitions.

I work pt and put a lot of time and money into their hobby which they absolutely love.

I have no queries with the amount of time I spend at festivals, in fact I love it. I enjoy relaxing and chatting to other mums. I have made lots of friends and enjoy watching the dances etc etc.

Anyway when my dd1 did a ballet dance I had no choice but to have a tutu made. It cost a lot (for me)and I will not sell it as it holds sentimental value and one day I am hoping dd2 will wear it. It no longer fits dd1.

As more children are doing festival dances the ballet teacher asked me to bring in dd1's tutu to show the other girls and give them the number of the dressmaker. This was in November.
Several people asked me if I woukld sell them the tutu, I replied that it is not for sale. No probs.
Another girl who is doing a ballet dance, told dd how much she liked the tutu. I told my dd to let her know that it wasn't for sale, but I would be leaving the dressmakers details with the dance teacher.

Now today my dd has said can this girl borrow her tutu as even though she has known for 6 months that she needs her own tutu, she hasn't bothered to get one!!! This girl is 14, almost 15.

I am annoyed for the following reasons and initially told dd no she can buy her own like I had to:

Why has she left it until the week before to ask?
Why has her mother not got one sorted-this is not something you can usually buy off the peg and the dance teacher has told her this.
Why does she assume that because I won't sell it I will in fact let her use it for free.

What is getting to me is that her mother has a very good professional job and drives around in a massive car which I could never afford to run.
Btw I don't dislike her or her mother but find it very very cheeky and feel like she has put my dd in a very awkward position.

The tutu cannot be washed either so it isn't like I am lending her a pair of machine washable trousers.

She would need it more than once as "She hasn't got the time now to have hers made."

Am I being completely unreasonable about this to feel bloody put on.

I also told dd that really this girl's mother should have initially asked me in which case I would feel fine saying actually no it isn't for sale.

The other thing that occurs to me is that this girl "borrows" her other outfits from the dance studio.

Sorry for the long post.

You need to talk to the mum. It isn't fair to get your DD to ferry messages when she's already worked up about the situation, by the sound of it.

Your comments about the other mum's car have made your argument less persuasive than it might have been. I also think you are being a smidge precious about the tutu: what if your other DD doesn't want it? Are you just going to keep it for yourself? I sort of sympathise, as DD is a rhythmic gymnast who has pricey leos for competitions. I wouldn't lend them while she was still using them. However, I certainly don't keep her outgrown and outworn ones.

I diagnose a case of severe dancemumitis. More serious than footballdaditis, but usually not as bad as gymmumitis. The cure is to take a step back, give yourself a shake, remind yourself that it's just girls jumping round to music, laugh at yourself and cheerfully lend the the tutu. It won't come to any harm, but even if it does, it's just a thing.not worth a moment's angst

Luckily my dd hasn't mentioned it again.
Neither will I unless someone else does first and then I will tell them what I said all along that it isn't for sale, so why on earth would I loan it out for free?
I will also tell dd to tell the girl that her mum should speak to me about it, if she asks again.
If dd2 doesn't want it, but she has never said this, then I may consider selling it, or I might not. Loaning it has never been an option.
My dd1 has only worn it a maximum of 6 times so they do work out expensive.

The other thing is that they are generally worn next to the skin without any underwear and then cannot be washed, so this is not on really.

The comment about the car was to show that she is not poor, far from it. Of course what they choose to spend money on is their business but thanks agian for the replies saying it really isn't my problem. I have enough to worry about without worrying about someone else's outfits!

I suppose some people have more nerve than others whilst others sort themselves out.
Anyway I have checked ebay and there are tutus on there for sale, so if pressed I can refer her to there.

I disagree seeker, I have never witnessed anything as bad as SOME parents at football. I always took a step back, couldn't bear all the arguing with the ref and the shouting. It is just a game just as dancing for my dds is enjoyment. Cannot comment on gymnastics though!
Although at the only swimming event dd1 took part in, she wasn't good just made up the numbers for school, the comments by the grandparents were vile.

YANBU

My dds do festivals and I have paid out for tutus and I wouldn't lend one out. Too expensive an item to risk.

Speak directly to the mother and politely explain that the tutu is not for borrowing and hope she manages to find one. End of.

Oh and I've never seen/heard of any bitchiness at festivals. If you take them for what they are, ie fun, there's never a problem.

Surely if they were just fun you would let your daughter lend her own property to a friend?

Seeker I don't have a problem with my dcs lending out certain things. In fact we/she/they have lent out leotards, leggings, box controllers, all sorts of things but this is different.
I wouldn't lend out my engagement ring for example.
When dd used an item which was my grandmas for a dance show it never came back. It was one of very few things I have from my grandma. I don't stress over it.
If the tutu was damaged in any way then I would be annoyed. It cost over £100 and would then mean I will have to buy another one for dd2.
That is the point. I have made it quite clear that I don't want to part with it.

Seems a hell of a lot of time and expense for "just a bit of fun"

Birdsofshore
At least skateboards get used more than a handful of times for a few minutes before they need something different.
I agree though I wouldn't lend expensive stuff out.

I have 2 much older sisters. We all danced. Luckily my mum was and excellent seamstress and made my sisters many, many outfits (incl Tu-Tu's)that then moved on to me.

There is no way that mum could have afforded it otherwise. Especially not for me (the 'accidental' daughter!)

DD (6) is dancing now, only for fun, and bless her - she's not very good. Her dance class put on a show last year - DD needed two very simple outfits for the two dances she performed in, they were provided by the dance teacher...They cost £67.00 and we didn't even get to keep them! . When I told my mum she almost exploded and now wishes she'd kept all the outfits she made way back then.

There is no way I would lend a tutu. They take ages to make, cost a fortune, can't be washed and are easily damaged.

perhaps you could look at this from a different angle? maybe the girl dosn't get the same kind of support from her mother as you give your girls? perhaps she is desperate to compete (the girl i mean) but simply does not get the help and support from home? YANBU to not want to lend the tutu, but maybe it would be a nice thing to do, just this once?

Jesus-It wouldn't be just this once though. She told dd she would need it for at least the next 2 festivals!!
Anyway I'm not going to mention it to dd. I hope the girl doesn't mention it again tbh!
I think part of the issue is my dd doesn't see the bad in anyone. I am not saying this girl is bad, just that there will be consequences for lending out such a valuable item (both in monetary and sentimental value). If it wasn't valuable or meant nothing to me I would sell it, not lend it. I am not made of money so regularly sell things that no longer fit.
My dd is very careful with things, she always has been, so she imagines everyone else is as gentle and careful with others things.
My ds on the other hand is a bit more hands on so I wouldn't dream of him borrowing delicate items!
Btw I don't have a problem with the time and money issue. I am happy to do this for my kids, but don't see why I should fund other children's kids, unless it involves lending items that I'm not too bothered about.

I quite see what you mean, lurking. I can't understand why so many people are saying, "just lend it". Unless you are made of money, you have to be careful with your stuff. Some people just have a lot of front and expect stuff to be given to them with no reciprocity. It's not your friend, you've had to pay out in the past, and why shouldn't they? I quite agree with your point of view. Agree with your DD saying to the other girl, "my mum won't let me" or "get your mum to speak to my mum".

I regard all my children's activities as a sort of club- if I can help someone out, I will. Can't bear the I've paid out- why shouldn't she" attitude. Much prefer "I've paid out- but at least that means someone else doesn't have to".

As well as the number of the dressmaker, you should be passing on the number of a dance school that takes the time to arrange the hiring of costumes.

I'm sure the friend could source a hired tutu or something on eBay in the next week . . . if she and her mother put their minds to it.

Yanbu

ah! fair dos lurking! - im all for helping out now and again but if this mother can actually afford it and it will be used time and again, then i understand your feelings - dont lend it! (fwiw, i recently told a good friend that she could only borrow a very expensive bag from me if she would be prepared to replace it if it was damaged, she decieded to buy her own! )

Is it still the case that tutus can't be washed, then? I thought I heard some R4 programme where they were talking to Royal Ballet costume mistress and she was saying how much easier/ more hygenic life was now that costumes are washable.

TBH that would be the sticking point for me. You bought it new for DD1, DD2 may need it, you are not going to lend it out in the meantime.

As for DD, whether she thinks you are being unreasonable or not, she needs to reply to the other girl with a "sorry, my mother said no" and try not to get dragged into it any more - as you say, if the girl or her mother approach you directly, you can say no directly - it is sneaky and mean of them to put your DD in the middle of it.

I am the naughty daughter who sneaked my tutu out so a friend could wear it. I was older than her and had grown out of it. She didn't have much money and was talented. I wanted to be kind, but hadn't considered how much my Mum treasured the memory of me actually looking like a delicate girly rather than a savage up a tree.
The tutu was beautifully made for me by my Nana, who was a professional (she made those horrendous confections they used to wear on Come Dancing).

I never got the tutu back, and it still hurts that I lost it. Don't lend it. If it means something to you, it may well mean something to your older daughter one day, even though she doesn't seem to care much now.

YANBU. As another dancing mom, I wouldn't lend out a tutu either.

I feel for your DD though, it can be hard to say no at that age. But if so, this will help her along the process.

If it was of great sentimental value then of course don't lend it. But you have already said that you might well sell it soon, so let you dd help her friend out!

seeker you are banging your head against a brick wall here . You sound like me non precious about material things! My ds is like the OPs daughter he is very generous and lends things at his own discretion he has had a few negative experiences but this is how you learn who is and who isn't trust worthy. I always think about whether years down the road you would be glad you hadn't lent it, which I doubt

YANBU. It isn't about not being generous, and with an expensive item like that, which was clearly intended for both the DDs, it isn't up to DD1 to lend it. Two festivals of wearing (disclaimer: I know nothing about dance) sounds like a lot of wear, and from what people have been saying on here, it seems that after being worn that much, DD2 would be unlikely to be able to use it.

It is lovely that your DD1 is being so generous, but I think you need to reinforce that it is a family item (ie not just hers), DD2 will need it and it is not her property to randomly lend.

Noddy, it's OK to be non-precious about material things. I wish I could be like that, but I can't afford to! That, I think, is the difference. If the OP could afford to replace the tutu, she would probably lend it out, but the fact is that she wants DD2 to wear it when the time comes and can't really afford to replace it if the other girl wrecks it.