To not want to lend dds ballet tutu

[lurkinginthebackground]

Ok I am absolutely prepared to get flamed and be told that IABU.

My dds dance and do festival dances -basically dance competitions.

I work pt and put a lot of time and money into their hobby which they absolutely love.

I have no queries with the amount of time I spend at festivals, in fact I love it. I enjoy relaxing and chatting to other mums. I have made lots of friends and enjoy watching the dances etc etc.

Anyway when my dd1 did a ballet dance I had no choice but to have a tutu made. It cost a lot (for me)and I will not sell it as it holds sentimental value and one day I am hoping dd2 will wear it. It no longer fits dd1.

As more children are doing festival dances the ballet teacher asked me to bring in dd1's tutu to show the other girls and give them the number of the dressmaker. This was in November.
Several people asked me if I woukld sell them the tutu, I replied that it is not for sale. No probs.
Another girl who is doing a ballet dance, told dd how much she liked the tutu. I told my dd to let her know that it wasn't for sale, but I would be leaving the dressmakers details with the dance teacher.

Now today my dd has said can this girl borrow her tutu as even though she has known for 6 months that she needs her own tutu, she hasn't bothered to get one!!! This girl is 14, almost 15.

I am annoyed for the following reasons and initially told dd no she can buy her own like I had to:

Why has she left it until the week before to ask?
Why has her mother not got one sorted-this is not something you can usually buy off the peg and the dance teacher has told her this.
Why does she assume that because I won't sell it I will in fact let her use it for free.

What is getting to me is that her mother has a very good professional job and drives around in a massive car which I could never afford to run.
Btw I don't dislike her or her mother but find it very very cheeky and feel like she has put my dd in a very awkward position.

The tutu cannot be washed either so it isn't like I am lending her a pair of machine washable trousers.

She would need it more than once as "She hasn't got the time now to have hers made."

Am I being completely unreasonable about this to feel bloody put on.

I also told dd that really this girl's mother should have initially asked me in which case I would feel fine saying actually no it isn't for sale.

The other thing that occurs to me is that this girl "borrows" her other outfits from the dance studio.

Sorry for the long post.

Thats a good idea Peppermint to say it belongs to dd2, as dd1 would lend it (basically to please this girl).
I just feel like she has ignored me totally so is trying to force the issue with dd1, not sure how best to handle it without dd1 appearing mean. I don't even have the mothers phone number.
Think I will tell dd1 casually tell her mother to call me and leave it there. Then the onus is on the girl and not my dd.
I even saw this girl yesterday and she could have asked me face to face, which would have eneded it there and then.

I think you're being a bit precious TBH.

It's all a load of prissy, pretentious bollocks really isn't it?

Surely ballet dancing is what it's all about and not how the kids are dressed?

It doesn't send a particularly good message to any of them when things like this happen.

I'm thankful my kids prefer swimming....

Yes but the festivals did help with his confidence and gave him good stage practice for auditions. I agree its different for boys as less competiton but i had great fun earning a living dancing for a while even tho it was hardly broadway Ds always had the potential to be abit of a pia too and i do think dancing kept him busy and out of trouble.

worra Each to their own but i also know a lot of children who swim at 6am before school and they and their parents are very competitive. Its good for all dc to have hobbies for sure as long as the hobbies are a part of and not their life.

You're not responsible for the costume of someone else's child. Just tell them that it was expensive and that you're not lending it out as it would have to be replaced if it was damaged. You shouldn't have to justify this though to be honest. Remember, 'no' is a great word.

I still think their are plenty of other ways to give confidence for stage such as Am Dram, local productions, school shows rather than the parents bitch fest festivals

There are also plenty of ways to keep children on the straight and narrow than exposing them to the awfulness of those competitions.

Knowing the price of tutus, and the detail that goes into them when I've made them, I don't blame you for not wanting to lend it. Also the more you wear them, you can see that they've been worn, so I think you're NU.

I think telling dd1 to tell the other girl to get her mum to phone you is the best plan.

ledkr that's one thing but getting precious over bloody clothes is quite another

I think its fine to say no. Its precious and expensive. If you join these things surely you factor in the cost of the equipment etc as a given and also should have sorted it already instead of leaving til the last minute.

I don't think the OP is being precious. Anyone have a Mulburry handbag they would like to lend me? Tutus are not cheap either.

to be fair Worra it's not a top for a night out, it's a handmade to measure expensive item!

I am happy to lend certain things hairspray, clips etc!
Even children's Christmas outfits in the past to other parents. But it has been my choice and that is what is annoying me. My dd thinks IABU and I wanted an unbiased opinion as to whether other mums would do the same.

You're not BU. Is dd1 aware of how expensive it was?

Ledkr
If a child is a truly talented swimmer and wants to do it, then training before school is needed if they want to pursue swimming long term.

If a child is interested in dance and wants a career, training is important but competitions which judge not only on dance but costume etc and bring out the worst in the parents are not needed.

Unfortunately a lot of these things become more about the parent than the children.

The thing is though you have very clearly said NO. It doesn't matter if it cost 50p or £50.000. One of my sil wanted to borrow my wedding dress, I said no because I wanted to keep it and for it to remain special to me.

Oh god this thread is another reminder of why martial arts beats dancing any day of the week.

I'm getting a twitch on just thinking about the dancing mums round here.

YANBU

Explain to your dd1 what aquafunf said about only lending what you are prepared to lose. It sounds as if this girl is putting pressure on your DD. You can support her without giving in.

When dealing with pushy gil/mum remember the important MN maxim "No is a complete sentance"

You are not BU. It's yours and you do not want the lend it out. I do feel sorry if DD feels under pressure but she is old enough to understand.

I well remember the hours I spent making dance costumes!

I have had similar problems at times with boys expensive cricket kit. Other lads borrowing bats instead of using club kit or buying their own.

I wouldnt lend it.

No to the leading and I would message the dance teacher to ask her to have a word and tell dd it is for family use ie dd2 not for other people.

I think a less problematic phone call to the other girls mum would be " I understand xxxx needs a tu tu for the upcoming xxxx I used xxxx to make a tutu for xxxx my younger daughter xxxx has it now , and like her older sister is delighted with it, as I am sure your dd will be with hers when you get it made for her"

As a child who did dancing and festivals I actually don't think YABU.

National costumes were made and sold on, or hired from dressmaker, Tutu's were sold on if owners wanted to. Leotards, all in ones were sold for a small fee if after wearing them for a few festivals there were still wearable! No-one was under any obligation to sell on something they had paid for though and if they wanted to sell it on they dictated the price. It was then pay up or get your own made.

I'm also a little with all the comments here about festival mums. My mum is not this type of person, never was or will be. Yes there were the competitive mums and the bitching, but there is everywhere in every sport. I put earplugs in at DS school nativity swimming club.

ledkr well done to your DS. That does take dedication and practice and not just 'talent' despite what others may insinuate. Whats he in?

Years ago, I bought a ski suit (think Princess Diana). I only went on one skiing holiday and an neighbour asked if her daughter could borrow it as she had the chance to go skiing for the weekend. I lent it, and when I got it back it had a significant rip in the leg, which she had tacked together with a contrasting thread. Although I would probably not have used it again, to be honest, I was really cross about it, especially as I later gathered that the girl had used it for several weekends. The woman said she had done her best to repair it and it was just one of those things, then said that second-hand suits were about £25, so she would offer me that for it (I think it cost about £100 at the time). I found that so wrong on so many levels. This was about 20 years ago, I am not bitter or anything. Whatever, just don't lend it!!