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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to lend dds ballet tutu

103 replies

lurkinginthebackground · 12/02/2012 13:27

Ok I am absolutely prepared to get flamed and be told that IABU.

My dds dance and do festival dances -basically dance competitions.

I work pt and put a lot of time and money into their hobby which they absolutely love.

I have no queries with the amount of time I spend at festivals, in fact I love it. I enjoy relaxing and chatting to other mums. I have made lots of friends and enjoy watching the dances etc etc.

Anyway when my dd1 did a ballet dance I had no choice but to have a tutu made. It cost a lot (for me)and I will not sell it as it holds sentimental value and one day I am hoping dd2 will wear it. It no longer fits dd1.

As more children are doing festival dances the ballet teacher asked me to bring in dd1's tutu to show the other girls and give them the number of the dressmaker. This was in November.
Several people asked me if I woukld sell them the tutu, I replied that it is not for sale. No probs.
Another girl who is doing a ballet dance, told dd how much she liked the tutu. I told my dd to let her know that it wasn't for sale, but I would be leaving the dressmakers details with the dance teacher.

Now today my dd has said can this girl borrow her tutu as even though she has known for 6 months that she needs her own tutu, she hasn't bothered to get one!!! This girl is 14, almost 15.

I am annoyed for the following reasons and initially told dd no she can buy her own like I had to:

Why has she left it until the week before to ask?
Why has her mother not got one sorted-this is not something you can usually buy off the peg and the dance teacher has told her this.
Why does she assume that because I won't sell it I will in fact let her use it for free.

What is getting to me is that her mother has a very good professional job and drives around in a massive car which I could never afford to run.
Btw I don't dislike her or her mother but find it very very cheeky and feel like she has put my dd in a very awkward position.

The tutu cannot be washed either so it isn't like I am lending her a pair of machine washable trousers.

She would need it more than once as "She hasn't got the time now to have hers made."

Am I being completely unreasonable about this to feel bloody put on.

I also told dd that really this girl's mother should have initially asked me in which case I would feel fine saying actually no it isn't for sale.

The other thing that occurs to me is that this girl "borrows" her other outfits from the dance studio.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

Hedgeblog · 12/02/2012 15:11

you are kidding
That does take dedication and practice and not just 'talent' despite what others may insinuate.

I assume you are referring to me and I absolutely did not mean that it was only talent that he was in a show, I was trying to be complimentary. In my view to state someone has a talent doesn't imply that they haven't worked hard

Also your mum may not have been a typical festival mum but many are awful.

startail · 12/02/2012 15:28

UANBU
I think we all have things with both monetary and sentimental value that we would not want to lend out.
Your OP was not about the rights and wrongs of festivals, on which I can't comment, but about lending expensive costumes.
If by a tutu you mean anything like a real ballet one then I absolutely wouldn't lend it out.
Some of the highest grade girls at DD2's ballet group have them, they are beautiful and huge. They would be stupidly easy to spoil.

Hedgeblog · 12/02/2012 16:07

Sorry OP went completely off topic

YANBU to not lend the Tutu if you don't want to, plus once lent when does it stop, will she need it for the next one etc.

You need to relax and just call the mother and explain your reasons.

ledkr · 12/02/2012 16:29

youarekidding Thanks thats kind,He did mama mia for a while and is now in wicked. Had a spell with the royal too but its not for him.
hedgeblog What are you basing your findings on because it would seem you have a real problem? I agree that some parents are ridiculously competetive and can be bitchy but this applys to many hobbies.Ds2 did mma and that could get hairy at the comps and also ds1 did inline skating which again was competetive. I dont think its all bad.When i used to take ds to festivals we would often have a right little adventure,travelling off together early with all his stuff.And between dances they would all get together and have a picnic and chat about other stuff not dancing,you do seem unecessarily damning of it.If its not for you then dont do it but some do enjoy it. As an ex dancer and Mum of one i really disagree about the festivals,they are definately not integral to being sucessfull but are great preformance practice that an annual show wont give them.

FutureNannyOgg · 12/02/2012 16:45

IIRC tutus drop with use, so it's not like lending it out a few times will leave it in the condition it started in, even if the lendee is really careful with it.
I agree with asking dd to pass on the message for the other mum to call you, then she doesn't have to be the bad guy and you can explain your reasoning. Surely the other girl could hire one from somewhere if she is desperate, if not, perhaps it's a lesson in performance preparation for her.

Hedgeblog · 12/02/2012 16:46

Ledkr

I am basing my findings on experience. I did similar stuff to your son, very similar indeed.

noddyholder · 12/02/2012 16:48

I think yabu your daughter doesn't seem to mind and is upset at the thought of not lending it to her. Ask them to dry clean it afterwards if it is that aspect that worries you.

ledkr · 12/02/2012 16:49

Well im sorry it was very negative for you but it really hasnt been for us and never will be for dd who is just starting as i would stop. We have always kept very much in perspective anyway ie. not done 15 solos etc. I can very much see how for some its very different.I remember ds being de partnered by a gilr cos we wouldnt prctice every Sunday all year. She said we werent dedicated enough.They were 9

PosiePumblechook · 12/02/2012 16:51

I would tell your DD to say no.

youarekidding · 12/02/2012 16:51

wicked my favourite musical Went to see it last October (2010) with Lee Mead and Racheal Tucker and the year before that!

I agree ledkr about it being any sport, place in class rankings etc etc that brings out bitchiness. I mentioned ^^ about my DS swimming club. It's NOT just festivals. In fact through all my years as a dancer there were only 5 mums that I remember being competitive and bitchy. They had very talented dancers for children and 1 of them is now a fairly well know choreographer. The rest went to stage school but don't dance now. I actually never came anywhere above 3rd in a festival and that was only once! but got top marks in my teacher of dance qualification. Festivals are meant to be fun for the children, a chance to perform. I loved them and hate that people feel that in someway it's important for success.

My mum and many others were just mugs mothers who spent their earnings and time supporting their children's hobbies. I qualified as a dance teacher and so did my sister. My sister teaches now at a dance school, but not her main job, and I do dance at my school and recently started cheerleading. (SN school and very rewarding to see these children participate) My brother was a fairly sucessful swimmer, county champ and got to European team before he got tendonitis . Again there were bitchy mums parents at these places too.
The only swimmer to have become sucessful from my brothers group didn't have a bitchy mum to support her because she'd died. Didn't stop her becomming a world champ though.

rant over

seeker · 12/02/2012 16:55

If she's 15 then surelynit's up to her whether she lends it or not?

noddyholder · 12/02/2012 17:22

She is at that age when she could well drop ballet and think shove your tutu where the sun don't shine! I think she sounds generous to want to lend it and it is obviously not that precious to her. I would let her decide.

HSMM · 12/02/2012 17:32

Say no. EBay have 2nd hand tutus if she needs one in a hurry. DDs dance teacher often has costumes to hire, doesn't yours?

valiumredhead · 12/02/2012 17:40

Blimey, who knew tutus were so expensive? How much are we talking out of interest?

OP, you are over thinking this, just say no, you don't have to give a reason and your dd can just say " I asked my mum and she said no." That should be more than adequate and if she is getting her knickers in twist then leave her to it!

startail · 12/02/2012 17:55

Quick google £30 min for a pretty girls one £50-100 for a serious one.

4madboys · 12/02/2012 18:01

on the simple basis that it has sentimental value i wouldnt lend it! i have in the past done so and then regretted it :(

and yes tutus are expensive i have some for my dd, purely because they look so fabulous (she is only 14mths) but even for toddlers they are expensive! heaven help me if dd is really into dance/drama when she is older!

PurplePidjin · 12/02/2012 18:05

YANBU to not lend fragile, delicate, expensive possessions.

I think the dance teacher needs to know the pressure that is being put on your dd by the other girl. She made your dd cry, that's unacceptable!

5Foot5 · 12/02/2012 18:53

Don't lend out something you treasure.

My Mum lent the family Christening gown to a neighbour. She didn't really want to but felt a bit pressured in to it because the neighbour hadn't got one so Mum felt mean to say no. She told the woman don't try and wash it just give me it back after the Christening. The neighbour ignored her, washed it and hung it on the line where a bird shat on it. She then tried to rub out the mark the bird shit left and rubbed a hole in the gown. It was ruined.

RandomMess · 12/02/2012 18:55

It could easily have been over £100 but it is the sentimental value of it, it's just cheeky and down right rude to ask, be told no and then harrass the dd

CervixWithASmile · 12/02/2012 19:00

I think there's a couple of points here:

You've said no and regardless of anyone else's opinion that's that, and your choice. I probably would have not wanted to lend it but would have due to avoiding conflict and then been inwardly annoyed, which is worse. it sounds like your daughter is embarrassed to say no which at that age is a really powerful feeling I'm sure. So either you should speak to the mother or help your DD find a way to say it she feels comfortable with, but she still won't be happy.

Secondly... It's not hers to lend but really your second daughter's now. Could an alternative be to tell your DD1 how much the cost is and say she'll be fully responsible if it's not returned in pristine condition?.

zipzap · 12/02/2012 19:03

You mentioned you saw the girl and she didn't say anything to you.

If you see her again soon I think you need to take the initiative to talk to her - of course she is going to ignore you and bully ask your dd as she is the one that likes to say yes whereas if you say no then she is definitely screwed. The longer she can work on dd the more she can blame her if it gets close to the competition and she doesn't have a tutu.

Could you write a note for dd to give the friend and her mum, saying 'sorry if there has been any misunderstanding but dd's tutu is not and never has been for sale or hire or to lend. The dressmaker's number is xxxxx, alternatively there are lots on eBay or if you talk to the teacher she may know of people that hire them out. My number is xxx if you want to call me or if you have any questions. Cheers, Lurking'

Stand firm - you are definitely nbu!

CoffeeOne · 12/02/2012 19:46

YANBU. Not only is it expensive, it can't be washed and has sentimental value. Three very good reasons to not let it out of your family. It may have belonged to DD1 however she seems to be trying to please her friend (bless her) however I imagine she would be as devastated as you if it did not come back in perfect condition, but perhaps she can't see that as she is worried about upsetting her friend. I would do as you have and tell DD to get the girl or her mother to speak to you directly and respond with a firm no.

Beckyboo4 · 12/02/2012 20:18

Only lend what you are willing to get ruined. I have learnt the hard way. I lent a good friend a baby gym which cost over £60 new which I had only used for my 1 son and it came back unwashed/ covered in dog hair and the music & lights not work. I was totally p**d off and now have a no lending rule (family excluded).

If the Tutu means that much to you then please don't feel pressurised into lending it out as it will all end in tears.

Letchladee · 12/02/2012 21:05

If it were me, I wouldn't lend it. Let's face it, if it did get ruined then the chances are that they wouldn't pay for a new one. Personally, I only lend things that I am happy if they get ruined or don't come back ...

Given that it is obvious in your case you would not be happy for it to be ruined, the you should say no.

I would speak to either the teacher or the mum and take the decision out of your DDs hands though. I wouldn't send messages back via my DD.

pranma · 12/02/2012 21:28

YANBU it is a special item and there is no guarantee that it will come back in perfect condition-it is her mum's problem.Give your dd a note to pass on to the other mum saying that your dd has asked but you want to use the tutu for dd2 and it is not for sale or for loan.

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