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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for thinking IABU about ending a relationship over a matter of religion

91 replies

Trillpipping · 12/02/2012 04:16

Me and my P have now been together 6 years. We met straight after uni and that has been it.
We see eye to eye on many things- politics,religion, those big topics.
In the last few months. He got into religion, not just a reading books on it sort of way but started going to church and 'finding faith' sort of way. (and started to change some olitical beliefs)
He got more and more involved with the church, says he was 'converted' and was baptised (didn't inform me of that)

He is now saying that we should either live separately or get married now as we have been living in sin for 3 years. He feels that I should go to church with him because that is what is expected. When I point out that I think it is a load of codswallop he just says that if I go it will change my mind and things like that.

He says grace before we eat now and gets mardy when I wont participate. He disapproves on the 20-something lives we (well I now) and some of our friends live. Doesn't like us having a lot to do with one of my very very close friends who has a DC because she isn't with the father.

This was a man that before this I saw myself marrying. We had talked about it that and having DCs ourself.

Part of me thinks that it is a crap reason to end a relationship and that people change and that is okay and that to say to someone 'it is because you converted' is at odds with somethings i believe and just not nice.
But then another part of me thinks this is all just too much.
So basically
AIBU for thinking IABU about ending a relationship over a matter of religion

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 12/02/2012 04:20

Gosh no it's not a crap reason! It's a huuuuge reason. And he is on the one hand pushing it on to you with the saying grace and on the other hand shutting you out with the baptism he didn't tell you about. I can't imagine getting baptised without telling my dh!

No, YANBU.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/02/2012 04:22

Yanbu if you no longer agree on tge basics, if you wouldn't get involved with him if you met him now, if he can't apricate you aren't interested then tbh I don't see how else it can go.

lavenderbongo · 12/02/2012 04:23

How quickly has this happened? Is it some sort of mid life thing or has he been having other problems in his life that have led to his conversion as he searches for something he is missing?

It seems an odd thing for a twenty something to do if he is contented in other aspects of his life,

His refusal to meet friends and the altering of core beliefs would be a deal breaker for me. I would leave him.

PessimisticMissPiggy · 12/02/2012 04:29

YANBU. He's moved the goalposts! Christianity with a big C tends to make followers Conservative with a big C.

Don't worry, he's got Jesus to keep him warm at night now. You go find yourself someone to share your own values with.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/02/2012 04:33

YANBU at all. It's one thing to get involved with a bloke, if he then changes dramatically, he's not the same bloke. You previously agreed on the "big issues" including religion, he has now changed the dynamic by "finding faith" and wishing to impose it on you.

And he didn't even involve you in his baptism?

You're only in your 20's, run like the wind. And do it now.

GiserableMitt · 12/02/2012 04:41

Sorry, I sniggered at Don't worry, he's got Jesus to keep him warm at night now

And no, YANBU. I feel for you having all that you thought you knew turned on its head.

PessimisticMissPiggy · 12/02/2012 04:48

I was being a little flippant, I admit. I'm not being disrespectful of those who have faith; it's the sneaky way that OP's OH has gone about things. It's like the Church is the OW.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/02/2012 04:54

I think you're right about the OW thing, MissPiggy.

PinkPeanuts · 12/02/2012 04:59

YANBU and to be honest I'd be worried about whatever type of church he is going to that that could have radicalised his views on life in just a few months. It sounds more like he's been brainwashed rather than found religion and I say this as a Christian myself, not a religion hater.

TopazMortmain · 12/02/2012 05:01

Woah! What kind of religion? This is important? Evangelical Christianity? Your local church group? Catholics? The Alpha Course?

This is important info so please let us know.

He is totally renegotiating the boundaries of his life AND yours and it's all a little suspect Hmm. I would be meeting with his vicar \ group leader \ kool aid dispenser to find out more first hand.

Sorry you are ping through this - it must be awful to see someone you love pulled into such a different direction.

FWIW I am a fairly religious (Christian) as a disclaimer and it just seems too much and too soon for your DH

TopazMortmain · 12/02/2012 05:02

Sorry DP not DH! Blush

SofiaAmes · 12/02/2012 05:22

You are not balking at this relationship because of "religion" but really because of his bad behavior which he is excusing with "religion." He is preaching intolerance, hypocrisy and self-righteous behavior all of which are unpleasant whether or not they are done in the name of religion. Please run very far away from this relationship and think yourself lucky that you didn't get married and have kids and then discover that your husband was not actually the person you thought he was....so much easier to get out and move on now.

toddlerama · 12/02/2012 05:47

Sofia, where does the OP say he is preaching intolerance, hypocrisy and self-righteous behavior??? Confused

OP, I am a Christian and I have to say that if he is expecting you to change along with him and you know you aren't going to, you probably should break up with him. How are you going to reconcile fundamentally different world views? Finding faith has altered his politics and social life, it will alter his family life too. So don't start a family with him if you aren't prepared for that or you are setting yourself up for serious conflict.

Hecubasdaughter · 12/02/2012 05:57

I agree with sofia, saying the OP shouldn't have anything to do with her friend because she isn't with the father of her children is preaching intolerance and being self rightious.

If all he had done was go to church weekly and start saying grace you would be unreasonable but trying to force it on you when you have made it clear you are not interested, trying to stop you seeing friends and not telling you about big decisions in his life (ie baptism) are not condusive to a continued relationship.

BrandyAlexander · 12/02/2012 05:58

YANBU at all. Faith (or lack of) is and should be a personal thing. You no longer appear to have the same beliefs, values or priorities. These are huge red flags. I am a christian but his attitude would piss me off and concern me. If a middle couldn't be found this would be a total deal breaker for me.

runningwilde · 12/02/2012 07:15

Yanbu because his attitude is quite off. If you have been together so long though, would he try counselling? Maybe before you decide you should have a meeting with your partner and his priest to talk though the issues? I say this because one of two things will happen - you will either find a priest who understands what you are going through and will offer your partner council of being respectful of how you want to live which will help him see things more clearly or you will find a priest who will be like your dp in which case ending it may be the best option.

Mote back stroy is needed though - did he turn to religion for a particular reason? Which church is it? he is probably desperate for you to see and feel how he does which may come across as intolerance of your 'lifestyle' and maybe you need to both have some counselling and a visit with the priest to see if you can go forward together. At least then you will know.

Keep us updated and good luck x

GavisconJunkie · 12/02/2012 07:27

YANBU poor you.

troisgarcons · 12/02/2012 07:27

What sort of church has he got involved in?

Baptist or methodist will be more hard line then, say, united reformed, who are quite easy going.

Sweeping statement coming! In my experience those who find God later in life as opposed to always having him, then to be somewhat single minded in their approach - it's like God has chosen them specifically and you must agree with them or else......Born Agains tend to be too bible-thumpery for me.

I suppose it's best you found out now before you married him and this great revelation appeared.

PushyDad · 12/02/2012 07:42

I have a couple of see-3-times-year friends who are Born Again Christians.

Apparently God gave one friend's DH a heart attack so that he would take it easy at work (he is a senior player at a big Anerican bank) and spend more time with her and the kids???

A couple of hours, 3 times a year is I can take.

EirikurNoromaour · 12/02/2012 07:44

YANBU
How can you consider having children with him now? Mixed faith marriages can work fine (I'm in one) but you have to discuss how it will work before having DCs and you cannot have one parent who thinks their beliefs are more important.

toddlerama · 12/02/2012 07:54

Sorry, I missed what he said re your friend and her dc. That is dickish. I'd end the relationship for that on its own Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2012 08:09

YANBU to think of ending it. When someone has bought into an intolerant belief-system or lifestyle to the extent that you describe they become a different person. If it wasn't extremist religion but some extremist political views, it would be the same thing. It's bad enough that he's now looking down his nose at you living together and calling it 'sinful', trying to force you to attend his church or that he's being so nasty towards friends because they don't conform to his views. Imagine what would happen if you had children together and he wanted them raised to have the same mediaeval attitudes as he's now displaying? It would be a disaster.

ballroompink · 12/02/2012 08:10

YANBU, because he seems to be going about it all in a very hardline, judgmental way. I think it's probably because he's a 'new' Christian and so therefore a bit zealous, but his new opinions are very OTT. I'm a Christian and I know that I - and all my friends from church - wouldn't turn against someone for not being with the father of their child any more. I think if he was merely encouraging you to try out going to church with him it would be a different story. This is something you really need to have a long talk through with him. Mixed faith relationships can work but they have the potential to go badly wrong.

TheFowlAndThePussycat · 12/02/2012 08:16

I'm a Christian and DH isn't, it has never been a problem because we respect each other and don't judge. Also we both fundamentally believe that when it comes to our DCs the most important thing is for them to have an equiring mind, a broad range of experiences and the ability to make their own choices.

It sounds like your DP is a bit heavy on the judgement, a bit low on respect for others and not very keen on your choices. If he carries on like that, your relationship is going to struggle.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/02/2012 08:34

Sometimes when people 'find' God they become very hardline at the beginning - anti-sex before marriage, anti-homosexuality, anti-abortion but over time once they've incorporated these new beliefs they become more liberal.

It's like a 17 year old joining the BNP or the Communist Party - young people can be drawn to wanting everything black and white. It keeps them safe while they 'find themselves' in this new area. Just because he's not 17 doesn't mean he's not young in religion.

At the beginning it can seem very black and white but in liberal Christianity (if that's what he's joined) none of the above apply and usually it gets tempered over time the more meetings/discussion/bible groups he joins.

Obviously none of this applies if he's joined a very hardline church.

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