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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for thinking IABU about ending a relationship over a matter of religion

91 replies

Trillpipping · 12/02/2012 04:16

Me and my P have now been together 6 years. We met straight after uni and that has been it.
We see eye to eye on many things- politics,religion, those big topics.
In the last few months. He got into religion, not just a reading books on it sort of way but started going to church and 'finding faith' sort of way. (and started to change some olitical beliefs)
He got more and more involved with the church, says he was 'converted' and was baptised (didn't inform me of that)

He is now saying that we should either live separately or get married now as we have been living in sin for 3 years. He feels that I should go to church with him because that is what is expected. When I point out that I think it is a load of codswallop he just says that if I go it will change my mind and things like that.

He says grace before we eat now and gets mardy when I wont participate. He disapproves on the 20-something lives we (well I now) and some of our friends live. Doesn't like us having a lot to do with one of my very very close friends who has a DC because she isn't with the father.

This was a man that before this I saw myself marrying. We had talked about it that and having DCs ourself.

Part of me thinks that it is a crap reason to end a relationship and that people change and that is okay and that to say to someone 'it is because you converted' is at odds with somethings i believe and just not nice.
But then another part of me thinks this is all just too much.
So basically
AIBU for thinking IABU about ending a relationship over a matter of religion

OP posts:

Ladyjaxo · 12/02/2012 08:48

YANBU when I was 25, I was with the most perfect guy, gorgeous, educated treated me like a queen. The problem his religious views were very very strong ESP anti homosexuality. I left him saying that as much as I loved him I could never have children with him as what would happen if they were gay. His views were inconsistent with mine and I could foresee unhappiness. I LOL now thinking about how he would preach to me about finding God to find myself. Think there was a bit of projection there. Relationships are hard enough already. Yanbu.

SuchProspects · 12/02/2012 08:54

YABU for thinking YABU (I think I got that the right way round). But from what you've said you aren't thinking of ending the relationship because he's become religious, you're thinking of ending it because he's started to try to change you - and in a way you don't like. He is treating you with a lack of respect and a lack of love. Whether it's religion or football, it doesn't matter. If your partner is treating you as second to the thing that's important to him and ignores or dismisses your point of view you are not being unreasonable to break it off (in fact it sounds wise).

ranteetheranter · 12/02/2012 08:57

Not read all the thread so just responding to op.

It doesn't appear to be the fact the HE found religion you want to end things. It is that he wants to change you and the way you live. You now have fundimentally different outlooks on life and that is the soundest reason for any relationship to end.

IvanaHumpalot · 12/02/2012 09:35

It depends on how much you could accommodate his views, and lifestyle (religious) choices and how much he could accommodate yours. Are you both prepared to compromise and make a plan for your and children's future. How much non-religious deviancy would your DP 'put up with'.

I have sympathy with Pushydad. I too have a long time friend who became a b.a.c. (born again Christian) in order to marry her now DH. Her views over a wide range of topics have become difficult for me to accept and so I now see little of her and her DCs. Her and DCs narrow world view, God's plan for her, satan's involvement in everyday life etc... Not to mention some disturbing ideas about Non-Christians.

Six years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone, and I'm sorry for the decision you face.

MuffinTheMilf · 12/02/2012 09:42

YANBU, sounds like he's become born again. I would be off like a shot - and that's speaking as someone who grew up born again parents. It's very very difficult to live with unless you share those beliefs.

Whatmeworry · 12/02/2012 09:43

Sounds like it's a Born Again conversion, rather than a more tolerant sect. In that case there is probably no chance of compromise so you have to convert or leave. I also worry about thev sort of people who fall for these thing, they often tend to go from one strong belief to another

samandi · 12/02/2012 09:44

Sounds like he's been brainwashed. I don't think it's a bad reason for ending a relationship at all - he clearly sees your future differently to you.

grobagsforever · 12/02/2012 09:45

Run like wind. So sorry for your loss.

JustHecate · 12/02/2012 09:46

No, you aren't being unreasonable. He has the potential to become very controlling I think. How long before he starts trying to ban you from seeing people he doesn't approve of?

How long before he starts trying to force you to go to church?

CailinDana · 12/02/2012 09:49

He has changed, which is fine, but now he's trying to change you, which is not fine. If he was willing to accept that you don't have the same beliefs then it wouldn't be a problem but he is putting a lot of pressure on you to fall into line with him, which would probably become a massive problem if children came along. The reason you would end it would not be the fact he's found religion but the fact that he is trying to control you.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 12/02/2012 09:52

Not unreasonable to leave. This is something of critical importance I think. You're not married and you don't have DCs I would leave today in your shoes.

georgethecat · 12/02/2012 09:52

Nah YANBU.

Finding religion is fine, getting all judgemental is not.

Never fails to amaze me how judgey some 'religious' people can get. I consider myself as religious and have seen many others act like total twats in the name of religion or just being a twat outside of the 1 hr sunday service .

Most religions essentially boil down to the fact that people should be nice to each other. It doesn't give you special powers to judge or elevate yourself above other people.

Do you think he is starting to question the relationship also if he is starting to judge it?

EdithWeston · 12/02/2012 09:57

As he managed to find so much time engage with this religion - with attendance as services, baptismal classes etc, and you didn't notice until he told you, then I think there was far more going wrong anyhow than in OP.

And with problems all round, then I would not be optimistic about a future together.

conspire · 12/02/2012 10:05

I would end it and I am a committed, practising Christian. He is being a judgey, hypocritical sneak.

If it was a longer relationship, you had more invested or had children then I could see the point in riding it out because I think there is a good chance that he, atm, has the zeal of the convert and may mellow over time. As it stands, unmarried, no dcs, in your 20s I don't see that you have any reason to stick it out for the next 50 years in the hope that he will change back, you haven't brought anything to the table that you can't walk away from.

wannaBe · 12/02/2012 10:18

I have a friend who is a born again Christian and she is a nutter completely ott in her beliefs. Shetold me that I should pray to God for forgiveness because I had had sex before marriage (regardless of the fact I then married the man with whom I had had sex) she takes the scriptures of revellations completely seriously, and she split up with her bf because he "came between me and god." I don't speak to her any more.

I couldn't stay in a relationship like that. at all.

I think that having a faith is one thing, but ime most born again christians are mad as a box of frogs.

FlangelinaBallerina · 12/02/2012 10:36

What matters isn't whether its objectively a crap reason to end a relationship, its whether you feel you can carry on. You could legitimately end a relationship because of a difference of opinion over I dunno, a carpet, if it were sufficiently destructive. There aren't any hard and fast rules. It sounds like its going to be over sooner or later anyway. If there's no future in this, the kindest thing to do would be to set both of you free now. Don't feel guilty about it. He's entitled to make radical changes in his life and pursue a religious lifestyle if he wants, he's not entitled to expect you to do the same.

If you think saying its because he converted isn't nice, you could just phrase it differently. Say your values and how you want to spend your spare time are now too different. And that he needs a spouse who can support him in his religious interests- which to be fair he probably does, really.

JustHecate · 12/02/2012 12:09

I've been thinking about the 'get married or live apart' thing.

It's a bit odd, isn't it? I mean, if he wanted to remain in the relationship and felt that marriage was vital - would he not have proposed?

Instead, he says that you guys either have to marry or live apart, which - I know I wasn't there - but it seems to give off an 'either is fine with me' vibe, iyswim.

Does he actually want to end the relationship but wants you to be the one to do it?

tardisjumper · 12/02/2012 12:29

I am catholic and dp is not, but that is fine as there has been no moving of the goalposts. What your DP has done is changed and expoecdted you to change with him.

That is not on.

edam · 12/02/2012 12:48

Good point, Hecate, maybe he is trying to get OP to be the big bad guy who ends the relationship. And then he can be the victim and wail about nasty OP who couldn't cope with his relationship with God. Or play the hero who sacrificed his personal life to God.

OR, if you want to stay with him, you could try challenging his more stupid assertions. Tell him to show you anything in the Gospels that condemns sex before marriage or homosexuality. This is Christianity, a religion that follows the teachings of Jesus - the Old Testament was superseded by Him. Jesus preached that God is love and preached against bigots - remember 'Let him who is without sin cast the first stone'?

Popsandpip · 12/02/2012 15:22

I would go to the church to check it out and try and get a sense of what's happening to him. You'll then be able to get more of a feel of him and his church, enabling you to take a view on what to do next. I don't think it would be reasonable to end a 6 year relationship with someone you live with without having all the facts.

However, once you've done this and if he is so fundamentally different from the man you fell in love with and he's trying to change you, YANBU to end the relationship.

Sorry you're having a tough time...

Original poster

Trillpipping · 12/02/2012 15:46

I get about the whole saying we have to get married or live sepueatly- maybe you are right about that one.
Is it wrong of me to feel bad about breaking up with him - 6 years, and he would have to move out (I own the flat)

edith i knew he was going to church and things, he just said it was meetings with church or work- which thinking about it were probably baptismal classes and things. But fair point.

I suppose that is what he would class himself as (bac) it is a baptist church, but knowing about it, it seems very different to the baptist churches i am use to (in wales)

OP posts:

edam · 12/02/2012 15:48

That's a huge deal - he's been lying to you about going to church?! And got himself baptised without telling you? Blimey. Seems an odd way to start being Christian, with a big fat lie.

TotemPole · 12/02/2012 16:01

I get about the whole saying we have to get married or live sepueatly- maybe you are right about that one.
Is it wrong of me to feel bad about breaking up with him - 6 years, and he would have to move out (I own the flat)

If you stay together and don't get married, he'll have to move out anyway, so don't feel bad about that.

Has something happened in his life that made him seek religion? Has he had a crisis, a bereavement, anything like that? Has someone taken advantage of him being in a vulnerable position?

YankNCock · 12/02/2012 16:01

Run screaming (or rather, give him a month to be out of your flat). You didn't sign up for this.

My DH went through a period of questioning as far as religion goes. As a lapsed Catholic turned atheist, this was worrying for me. He was nominally C of E and his family weren't religious. Then he was ordering and reading giant life study bibles, trying out Quakerism, and even asking if he could try out a Catholic mass.

I was never so happy as when we left the mass and he said 'I don't remember reading any of THAT in the bible!'

Now he has settled into Buddhism as it fits well with his beliefs and understanding of the world. I did go to his meditation group a few times, but found it wasn't for me. He doesn't push me about it, and he hasn't changed from when we got together, other than he is actually less anxious and angry (which is great and makes me happy that he's found a way to do that).

PeanutButterCupCake · 12/02/2012 16:09

YANBU as he has moved the goal posts, it's not what you signed up for IYSWIM?

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