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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for thinking IABU about ending a relationship over a matter of religion

91 replies

Trillpipping · 12/02/2012 04:16

Me and my P have now been together 6 years. We met straight after uni and that has been it.
We see eye to eye on many things- politics,religion, those big topics.
In the last few months. He got into religion, not just a reading books on it sort of way but started going to church and 'finding faith' sort of way. (and started to change some olitical beliefs)
He got more and more involved with the church, says he was 'converted' and was baptised (didn't inform me of that)

He is now saying that we should either live separately or get married now as we have been living in sin for 3 years. He feels that I should go to church with him because that is what is expected. When I point out that I think it is a load of codswallop he just says that if I go it will change my mind and things like that.

He says grace before we eat now and gets mardy when I wont participate. He disapproves on the 20-something lives we (well I now) and some of our friends live. Doesn't like us having a lot to do with one of my very very close friends who has a DC because she isn't with the father.

This was a man that before this I saw myself marrying. We had talked about it that and having DCs ourself.

Part of me thinks that it is a crap reason to end a relationship and that people change and that is okay and that to say to someone 'it is because you converted' is at odds with somethings i believe and just not nice.
But then another part of me thinks this is all just too much.
So basically
AIBU for thinking IABU about ending a relationship over a matter of religion

OP posts:
Original poster
Trillpipping · 12/02/2012 16:13

I have racked my brains about what if anything happened to trigger this . I always come up blank.

OP posts:
madhairday · 12/02/2012 16:22

Big alarm bells that he didn't tell you about the baptism. What sort of church has he joined? Any open and outward looking church would not be up for this kind of behaviour. Ditto the intolerance of your friend, the trying to force you into it as well. However, like some pp have said, new christians can be a tad black and white in their views and come across judgmental. There is a possibilty he may come through this and see what a twat he has been (not in the conversion but in his interpretation of how to live as a christian)

YANBU, but I would encourage you to find out about his church and what they are saying/encouraging him to do. Will he listen if you explain how you feel about everything? If not, it's such a shame, and certainly not in the whole spirit of following Jesus.

All the best.

ImperialBlether · 12/02/2012 16:29

The time has come for you two to part, OP. You don't seem to have children with him and you have a lot of similar friends, so I would bite the bullet, tell him you've had a dream and Jesus told him to move out, then get back into a life of your own choosing.

SnapesMistress · 12/02/2012 19:26

YANBU, I would find it impossible to live with his judging of other people, it would make my blood boil.

picnicbasketcase · 12/02/2012 19:35

You wouldn't be splitting up due to his finding religion, it would be because his attitude and outlook have been vastly changed because of it. The 'living in sin' thing, the mealy mouthed pronouncements upon single parents, the secrecy surrounding what he's been doing rather than discussing it... I don't think I could put up with it. And if you did get married purely to get rid of his sense of guilt, then what? You have children together, who he insists on being raised in a religion that means nothing to you? I'd get out, tbh.

TheFeministsWife · 12/02/2012 19:50

How long has he been going to this church for now? YANBU to end the relationship because of it. Although as others have said, it's not necessarily because of the religion more because of how much he has changed and his attitude.

Years ago when I'd been with DH for about 2 years, and we'd also been living together for almost as long, he started to get into the Mormon religion. He has always been into religion (all kinds, christianity, buddism etc.) but never so much it's been a problem. When he got in with Mormons and started to go to church etc. they demanded that he change his lifestyle, stop drinking alcohol, coffee, tea etc. That wasn't a problem it was that they wanted us to either get married and I HAD to convert Hmm (from technically being a Catholic, although have been an atheist for years now), or to split up as we were "living in sin". I told him that whilst I did want to marry him in the future, there was no way I was ready to then at the age of 18. And there wasn't a hope in hell of me becoming a Mormon. He had to decide which he wanted. Thankfully he chose me. Smile

Have you talked with DP and told him how much this is effecting you and your relationship, and how this could quite be the end? It might give him a wake up call if you put it bluntly.

BanditoShipman · 12/02/2012 19:59

friend of ours (a man) went to alpha courses and went crazed. He was only 20 and after the weekly courses told my then dh that his mother died of cancer because she 'didn't believe' and that if she'd just 'prayed to god' she wouldn't have died Hmm Shock

Thankfully after about a month he went back to normal but he changed totally for that period of 6 weeks, it was weird.

OP - You don't sound very 'bothered' by all this, you don't sound heartbroken so was the relationship good anyway or not do you think? (genuine question)

2rebecca · 12/02/2012 20:12

I couldn't live with someone who was religious. It's akin to other delusional beliefs to me. I'm an exchristian who is now a fairly militant atheist (although I rarely bring the subject up). You can't debate religious beliefs rationally, unlike political difference.

troisgarcons · 12/02/2012 20:19

Baptist?

I am friendly with a couple of baptists - and they are hell-fire-brimstone and really quite right-wing mad in their views.

LydiaWickham · 12/02/2012 20:32

soo, he doesn't believe in living in sin, except he is? He needs to move out. End this relationship, or at least have a 'cooling off' period, live apart (suits his faith) and 'date' so the majority of your time is apart from each other, you'll either miss each other like mad and want to be together (and both be up for working out how to make it work with your differences, and no, making it work doesn't mean you converting unless you want too) or you will realise that you've got to the stage after 6 years that you're together because you're together and have changed too much for it to work long term.

BTW - I'm Christian, but the rather fluffy CofE type and I find the more 'full on' ones rather scary, so I can only imagine how hard it is to live with one if you've got no/little religious belief yourself.

WorraLiberty · 12/02/2012 20:46

It's not a crap reason to end it at all.

Some religions are absolutely all consuming and that doesn't really work if the other person isn't into it...a bit like having '3 people' in a relationship.

Also, I think having children would be almost impossible in a situation like this and would cause nothing but rows and misery.

Sorry to sound so negative but I wouldn't marry him or have kids with him in this situation.

fatlazymummy · 12/02/2012 20:55

I also would end it, in fact I would have already finished with him by now. That is because I choose to live my life in a non religious manner. I just couldn't share my life or my home with a person who was religious to that extent.

Blatherskite · 12/02/2012 21:31

I would end it. He's showing you no respect by trying to change you and force his views on you and without respect, there is no relationship any way.

cory · 12/02/2012 22:48

I have several friends who are born again Christians with non-Christian husbands and it works for them- but that's because they are tolerant and recognise that if their conversion is post-start of relationship then they are the ones who have changed the goalposts.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 12/02/2012 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PushyDad · 13/02/2012 01:05

One time I got talking to a co-worker that had switched from being a Catholic to being a muslim. Having had a couple of muslim friends, I was keen to share my knowledge (ok, I wanted to show how clever I was :) ) As it turned out I knew more about his new faith then he did.

One of the posters above talked about a DP who was always into somekind of religion reminded me of this co-worker. Some people go looking for religion, any religion, as opposed to religion finding them.

aldiwhore · 13/02/2012 01:08

He's changed, he either accepts you haven't and loves and respects you or he doesn't. If he doesn't I think its probably time to move on.

He's pressuring you to find faith, that can never happen. You cannot force someone to believe.

I suspect its crunch time. Sorry.

Its a MASSIVE issue.

ComposHat · 13/02/2012 01:16

He's moved the goalposts! Christianity with a big C tends to make followers Conservative with a big C

Most of the Christians I know are nice live and let live types, not mouth foaming swivel eyed nutters who think the Daily Mail is too wishy washy and liberal.

I can think of a better, altogether shorter word beginning with a colossal C to describe the op's partner.

BigFatHeffalump · 13/02/2012 01:27

dump him Finding religion doesn't mean he can be a total arse to you

startail · 13/02/2012 01:51

YANBU
I'm an atheist married to a quietly committed CofE christian. We agreed to disagree on our 2nd date and 23 years and two DDs later we still disagree.
99% of the time we get along just fine, very occasionally he snaps at me if I make too much fun of him for believing in unprovable rubbish.
But he never tries to change my mind and respects that my point of view is just as strongly held as his.
And I would never attempt to change his mind either.

It would have been a total deal breaker if he had tried to convert me or rammed religion down mine or the DDs throats.
We will both go to the grave with the beliefs we've held since our earliest childhood and our DDs must make up their own minds.

DonInKillerHeels · 13/02/2012 03:04

"He's moved the goalposts! Christianity with a big C tends to make followers Conservative with a big C"

I'm a committed Christian and my views are well to the left of Genghis Khan as my Dad would say as are those of most of the Christians I know. So the above is nonsense.

Leaving that aside - wow. What a difficult situation you find yourself in. My issue would not be with your DP finding faith - that can be a really positive thing in someone's life. My problem would be a) with him now insisting that you change, rather than being brave and taking decisions for himself according to his new belief system, and b) the lying and sneaking about behind your back that he has been doing in order to attend church and be baptised. I cannot see any reasonable church - even an evangelical one - finding behaviour b) acceptable. My sense is that you should have a private conversation with his pastor/minister about this aspect because it's deeply inconsistent with his professed new faith.

Secondly, most churches I know, even evangelical ones, regard the act of sex to be integral to the act of marriage, and therefore that committed partners are, in the eyes of god, married anyway. Where one of those partners becomes a BAC, most churches are much more sensitive than just insisting you instantly split up or formally get married. If you still love the guy, it would be worthwhile talking this through with his church before making your decision.

helpyourself · 13/02/2012 07:30

Another big C Christian here, and its ringing alarm bells for me too.

Suggesting who you should socialise with is not OK.

Having said that, plenty of marriages where one partner is committed to a religion the other one isn't interested in or dismisses can work.

If I were you I'd visit his church once as a visitor and observe, you may find it welcoming and interesting and you can tell him that you are prepared to investigate further. If not you need to discuss how the future might pan out as a mixed marriage and what his expectations are, with a view to splitting if his expectations are unacceptable to you.

I suspect that he already knows that he is asking too much- its significant he didn't invite you to his Baptism.

cory · 13/02/2012 09:05

Everything Don said. Imo there is a good chance that your dp either has misunderstood what is expected of him by his church or is using his interpretation to give respectability to his own controlling tendencies.

solidgoldbrass · 13/02/2012 09:13

I'd bin him because I couldn't respect or like someone who believed in all that crap - by which I mean the misogyny and judgemental stuff far more than the imaginary friend.

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 13/02/2012 09:44

The only thing he's doing wrong here is trying to force his religion on you. Does he not understand that he can have his faith and you can have yours?

I wouldn't get married, try separate living for a while and see if he calms down.