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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for thinking IABU about ending a relationship over a matter of religion

91 replies

Trillpipping · 12/02/2012 04:16

Me and my P have now been together 6 years. We met straight after uni and that has been it.
We see eye to eye on many things- politics,religion, those big topics.
In the last few months. He got into religion, not just a reading books on it sort of way but started going to church and 'finding faith' sort of way. (and started to change some olitical beliefs)
He got more and more involved with the church, says he was 'converted' and was baptised (didn't inform me of that)

He is now saying that we should either live separately or get married now as we have been living in sin for 3 years. He feels that I should go to church with him because that is what is expected. When I point out that I think it is a load of codswallop he just says that if I go it will change my mind and things like that.

He says grace before we eat now and gets mardy when I wont participate. He disapproves on the 20-something lives we (well I now) and some of our friends live. Doesn't like us having a lot to do with one of my very very close friends who has a DC because she isn't with the father.

This was a man that before this I saw myself marrying. We had talked about it that and having DCs ourself.

Part of me thinks that it is a crap reason to end a relationship and that people change and that is okay and that to say to someone 'it is because you converted' is at odds with somethings i believe and just not nice.
But then another part of me thinks this is all just too much.
So basically
AIBU for thinking IABU about ending a relationship over a matter of religion

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 13/02/2012 10:16

I have racked my brains about what if anything happened to trigger this . I always come up blank

It is probably within him, some people search for belief, some just want simple answers. There is nothing you can do.

If you just carry on the way you are - ie refuse marriage and refuse to go to church, what will happen then?

Also, be aware that many BAC churches want money - a lot - from their flock, so you may want to look into that too.

FlangelinaBallerina · 13/02/2012 16:57

Hmm FedUp I think it was also wrong of him not to confide in his partner about the conversion or invite her to his baptism. Personally, I'd be hurt to be excluded from such a significant event in a DPs life. I mean, if OP wouldn't go then that's up to her, but to not even get chance to be part of it is another thing altogether.

PipTrillPip · 19/02/2012 03:00

Hey OP here. Just wanted to thank you all and give you an update.
Well after 6 years I am officially single once more.
I did say that he could have a month to move out but he moved out the following day and moved in with his brother. He has taken most of his stuff with him but we actually spent sometime today splitting things we bought/got together.
Band actually I think you were right. I feel more upset about it being over because of the time together, shared lives things rather than upset over the end of a relationship with him. So it was probably best it ended if that is how I feel about it.

SofiaAmes · 19/02/2012 04:12

Congratulations OP on your new journey and condolences on the sadness that goes with it. I am sure you will not regret your decision. Best of luck on your future.

aurynne · 19/02/2012 04:28

Thanks for the update, OP. You have definitely dodged a bullet. These "born again" Christians are the same as many "born again" vegetarians, or people who have lost a lot of weight, or some people who just quit smoking... instead of enjoying whatever they have found that makes them happy, they use the "smug" feeling to become arrogant, patronizing people. They ignore the fact that they arrived to their present "belief" through free will, and at their own pace, and suddenly decide that everyone else is in the wrong and they should find "the truth" just as they did.

The born again religious ones are, for me, the worst ones. They believe God has chosen them, and them only, to tell them "the truth". Regardless of the life they lived before, now they believe they are better than anyone else and have been given the divine right to tell everyone else what to do. Your ex-P truly thinks he has the right to judge unmarried parents and ignore he himself was living "in sin" for 3 years before finding "the truth". Why does he not believe unmarried parents will also find "God" in their own time, as he did? Because he thinks he is "special". And everyone else is "ordinary", "sinful" and unworthy of him.

Good riddance, OP. I hope you find someone you deserve soon.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 19/02/2012 04:54

Hey op thanks for the update. It is sad when things finish best wishes. I think you did tge right thing.

JuluLu · 19/02/2012 05:51

Leave the bastard.

Afropop · 19/02/2012 14:38

Well it was probably for the best OP. even if it wasn't for the b.a.c thing because it seems like you aren't that cut up about it.
Best of luck

empirestateofmind · 19/02/2012 14:56

Best of luck OP. I also think you did the right thing.

swooby · 19/02/2012 15:06

I'd walk away before you get in any deeper. There is no compromise when one party is religious, it is always thier way - because they are no longer in control of thier opinions on matters (it always has to be what god said). Plus in my experience people find religion to deal with thier issues and insecurities - so this may only be the start of the headaches!

fuzzPigwickPapers · 19/02/2012 15:18

Well done OP. what was his reaction when you ended it?

overmydeadbody · 19/02/2012 15:28

I think you did the right thing OP. Best of luck to your new single future!

PipTrillPip · 19/02/2012 18:52

fuzz umm just sort of accepted it. And actually said "well there we go" when I said he could have a month he said it would be too odd. When he left though he did say that he hopes I find christ.
I don't know didn't seem upset really, just listened and said fine. Actually that was sad. After 6 years I kind of wanted us to be upset or something.

MooncupandPizza · 19/02/2012 18:58

YANBU - this is a big change in attitude and not what you fell in love with. Yes, people change but I think this is a reasonable deal breaker.

It's something I have thought about, actually, as I am not religious at all. I am married to someone who considers his religion (different to the one I was brought up with) quite important to his identity and wants to bring our DCs up in that religion (which is fine with me) but he is non-practicing. I do think that if he started to practice his religion in a more serious way, I would find it difficult to take. Being married with kids, I'd stick it out and we'd figure it out (unless he got fanatical or something!) but if it happened before marriage and DC, I think it would have pushed us apart.

MooncupandPizza · 19/02/2012 18:59

Sorry, just caught up and saw you ended it. Hope you're feeling ok. I can imagine you must be feeling sad about it...

WibblyBibble · 19/02/2012 20:31

Leave the bastard, but also point out that Jesus liked to go for dinner with prostitutes and single mothers so he's being sinful to exclude your friend who has a child without living with the partner. If it was good enough for Jesus, it's damn well good enough for him, unless he's prideful and hypocritical.

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