To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

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OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

Ok but technically you dont because if your DH lost his job their would be NO income

sunshineandbooks, I've realised I love reading your posts. Actually, I think I realised that a while back.

DH's job is pretty well paid and keeps him at work long hours (though not as bad as some). He doesn't just do it for the money though - he does it because it stimulates him intellectually and it makes him feel successful.

I have two pre-schoolers and I tried working part time but because of the demands of DP's job I ended up looking like I was doing a half-arsed job myself. Who had to pick them up from their childcare? Me. Who cooked them tea and bathed them and put them to bed? Me. If the kids were ill, who had to leave work? Me. I arrived early and left work early - looked like I was always sloping off. I was basically doing a full-time job in part time hours and missing out on all the fun, sociable bits of work. And I wasn't being paid enough to cover my child care.

So I stopped working. I do enable DH to do his job, be successful and stimulated and, yes, earn a pretty good wage. He gets sick days and holidays too, unlike me.

I find the idea that I'm making him go out and slave so I can buy Waitrose ready-weaved lentils or that I should never have any time off and be doing every bit of the house work really fucking offensive actually. I'm just doing the best I can given our family's circumstances and frankly although I'm sure looking after small children all day is rewarding in the long term, in the short term it feels quite a lot like drudgery.

Just because he works really hard I should be doing my job 24 hours a day every single day without expecting a break or any help, eh? Otherwise I'm not earning my keep? 1950s anyone?

I am a SAHM with a DH who works long hours and travels (and earns a big salary with lots of perks)...and it works out brilliantly for us.

I raise the children, teach them English (we are in France), help with the kids' homework, run the house, organise the cleaner, book our holidays, pick up the dry cleaning, cook nutritious, delicious hot meals for my family, support my DH.

My DH LOVES his job, loves the buzz, loves travelling, works very hard.

We appreciate each other.

I wouldn't have it any other way. It works for us.

YANBU

I think if people are happy with this kind of setup, more power to them, there's nothing inherently wrong with it or anything.

But I personally do not see the appeal at all. DH and I are pretty poor but we are able to spend a lot of time together, which is lovely.

I get that for some people it really isn't a choice but I think it's a bit disingenuous to say 'he doesn't have a choice, it's his job'. Surely at some point he made the decision to go into that line of work?

It's one thing if the job changes on you or if you have to take a job you don't want out of desperation, but everyone I know who works long hours works in the City, in law, in fields where obviously you have to work long hours. I don't know what to say when they say they have no choice, they chose to work in those fields.

animula - thanks.

No one was saying you were forcing him to go and work and you must do everything yourself.
If you are going to be a SAHP then you can't complain about the long hours as it brings in the money to make it possible to stay at home, that's all.

Dh has always done this. Tis the nature of both careers he chose, first was in the forces second still involves the forces and travel.

I realise this has come from other threads and I am an "enabler" . Dh was working more and more abroad and travelling. He loves the job. He asked me if I would consider giving up work when dd was born. We had a long conversation about it.

Financially it is a sacrifice now but it's getting better - but dh is happier as he feels our roles are split more fairly.

Before hand I had to organise all childcare, the house and work as he simply wasn't physically nearby. My "free time" was spent desperately catching up or popping into work.

Now we have our free days together. We don't have to spend evenings on holiday not talking to each other because we on the phone to our respective offices.

We wanted me to be at home with the DCs while they were small but didn't think we could afford it.
As it happened, my work made it very awkward for me to go back after mat.leave and we were going to have to employ a nanny which would have swallowed more than I was going to be earning. So I quit and DH got himself a better paid job.

It has worked very well for us and we are happy with our choices and how things have panned out. He works from home a fair amount so is often around for dinner, baths and bedtime with the DCs. He does work away sometimes, and there are periods when he is home late a lot or has work to do in the evenings and at the weekends. That is part and parcel of his work though. He can't do his job part-time and take a corresponding income drop, he either does it or not - which I suspect is the case with a lot of higher earning people.

dreamingbohemian - Yes, he made the choice but before we met. When we got together I knew what he wanted to do and I accepted that his profession was part and parcel of the relationship.

Sometimes it's the only job they can get, however I actually got myself a job when DH was working away monday to friday for my own sanity otherwise I'm not sure I could have coped being alone with no human contact from an over 12 y o

I am curious too

why is it considered a social no no to ask what someone else earns or their choice of career. But it is ok to question and opinion-ate on a couples decision to have a family member choose to remain home and not work?

People can be fucking rude regardless of what side of the fence they sit, and then are affronted when they are told so.

Dreamingbohemian,

husband and I currently get lots of quality time together as well as breaks from each other but I like not being poor so at the moment it's win, win. Could all change of course.

We are in that situation and are very happy,no need for you to worry.
I don't have as much time on my hands as I do everything but if I did I wouldn't worry about what others were doing.............how sad is that !!!!!!

because if you are SAHP of hugely ambitious chap/lady you make sure nothing of domestic/child related nature prevents them reaching top of greasy pole, because you have taken care of it all possibly by giving up your own career. In this way you have 'assisted' their career, they needn't take time off for sick children, school holidays etc etc.

Works for lots of people - why the sneering OP, just comes across as jealous

My dh works long hours and away from home a minimum of half the week because that is what is required of anyone in the role that he has. He does this job because it fulfills him, he'd be very bad at most other jobs but is very highly regarded as a specialist in what he does. As he is a specialist and is a bit long in the tooth he is therefore very senior whilst this means he is well paid it also means that there isn't enough of him to go around, so his working hours are stretched. If he left the industry he works in, which he would have to do if he wanted to work a 9 - 5 I can't think of another job that he could do, or that he would get. He has of course spent time thinking about what else he could do that would give him more time with us.

So, if you have two parents working full time you would expect that they would also equally share the child care and housework. If I worked full time and my dh worked as he does now that wouldn't be possible as dh isn't even at home for three nights a week, so the child are/housework would fall to me on those days. Of the remaining two working days where dh is at home one of those he will work late ie. back home somewhere between 10pm - 12pm. Again I would be spending my evening having worked all day cooking, cleaning, etc. This is of course an 'average' week and not one where he's abroad for ten days, which also happens from time to time.

Ultimately I would get the sticky end of the lollipop.

If you do a job that involves long hours and working away you either don't have a family, have a family where one parent doesn't work or have a family where one parent works and does all the house/child related stuff. Assuming you want a family you don't really have much choice.

But LeQueen do you think that poor people don't also enjoy their lifestyle and experiences and memories?

This is the part I don't get. I feel like the equation of 'DH is away all the time but it's worth it because of the lifestyle it provides' has this sort of built-in assumption that you need money to be happy. Because otherwise, why would you make such a big sacrifice, in terms of your family?

It's how dh was when I met my him, he was put in a position where his first job was very demanding and high salaried, and I guess it made him even more determined and driven, then he met me........ We both grew up in traditional homes where dad went out to work and mum stayed home and it's how we wanted our family to be. I thought at 25 I was really lucky to be in the position we were when I handed notice in. It most definatly is a sense of pride for him.

Dh has aways strived to prove people wrong, when he was told he wouldn't achieve something, he went out and did it with gold baubles on.

Yes I have lonely moments and think, christ let's get off the band wagon, but we have a lovely life, we own our home, have no debt and have lovely holidays. Dh is fully on course to retire by 50. if I asked dh to give it all up, I seriously don't know what he would do! He isn't a 9 to 5 type of guy, he finishes his day when his job is done. It's what we are used to, and how we tick.

He is a wonderful dad, has oodles of patience, our children adore him, and they see him a lot more than he saw his own dad. I realy don't get your point!

I know a few people who live like you op, and quite honestly, they have no drive and many have huge chips on their shoulders as of course it isn't their fault they didn't get that promotion or opportunity. If it works for you fine, but why judge what works for me?

In our house Im the one who works the long hours. It sucks. Yes I get paid well but I was checking my emails on my phone 2 hours after a forceps delivery and back at work pt when DS was 10 days old.

I dont have an alternative. Its not like I could walk out of this job and take a job that paid say £20k less a year because this is what I do and there aren't 100s of jobs around so you can't pick and choose.

Plus like a lot of people we spend what we earn so now have financial outgoings that need my income to service them.

Dh earning or not earning wouldnt make a difference

I do sort of understand. I am not a SAHM but I only work part time. As my dh works long hours I am the one who does the food shopping, cooking, organises the ds's birthdays and activities, makes them do their homework, takes the ds's to doctor, dentist, optician, organises their sports clubs and music practice, organises our social life, and helps and does shopping and chores for the grandparents and great grandparents etc etc.

My dh, as well as working long hours also does most the household admin and does help with some chores.

If I worked full time all of this would obviously still have to be done, and I really do understand how hard it is for mums who work full time. But unless we had a brilliant nanny/housekeeper then my dh would have to do half of all these jobs which I am sure would have affected his career as he would have to take a lot of time off and come home early most nights.

DH has to travel and work late sometimes... but not all the time. Its a pain, but part of the job now he's at the level of expertise and responsibility for decision making he has now, He loves the job, the wage is enough and there are not many opening for his specialism and any other employer in that field would mean we had to move away from a place we like living in. OR have him weekly commuting which we are not willing to go back to.

Weekly commuting was stage we had to endure on the way to where we are now.

mind you we don't spend many "nice evenings together" during the week, because one or other of us is generally out at choir, PCC, bellringing, pub quiz, mums get together, committee meetings, rehearsals...

So "lonely evenings" are nothing to do with work in some cases.

I may have been one of the SAHMs on the thread who said DH can only do his odd hours if I SAH. However, he only works 37-40 hours most weeks. Because of the changing shifts, he can involve himself much more actually. He sees many school plays/events and often does the school run. When he is off, it is very shared parenting. How is this victorian?