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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

390 replies

ChristmasPlughole · 07/02/2012 21:48

OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

OP posts:
TheDodgerTheDodgerHesAtItAgain · 07/02/2012 22:25

Can only speak for our family - I'm a SAHM but not by choice. We also don't have a choice about dh working the long hours, or travelling, because that's the sort of job he has. He most emphatically isn't doing it "so that I can be at home" - the two are separate. His income is erratic and he has to take the work when he can get it, so he's either working all hours or - during slower times - still working hard to keep his skill set up to date as he works in a very fast-moving industry. If I found a job, the nature of his work wouldn't change and his clients are international so he'd still be all over the place.

StealthPolarBear · 07/02/2012 22:26

Handh well dh and I both work long hours so I kind of agree. But if we didn't have family near to help with childcare, or if we as parents decided nursery or childminder is not the best thing for our dc, or if one partner needs to work erratic shifts or travel a lot, I can completely see why having one parent sah enables the other to do what they do.

ShagOBite · 07/02/2012 22:26

I wish to God I didn't have to work so hard. Was a SAHP with an evening job when DH was made redundant. We both applied for jobs, I got one, so am working f/t and evenings. I do it because I have to. We couldn't afford the mortgage otherwise.

Tbh. your OP is smug and irritating.

lockets · 07/02/2012 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skybluepearl · 07/02/2012 22:26

my DH works long hours and commutes far but we have no extra money as you put it. he has a very unique enjoyable job and if we both worked locally in less specialised fields, we wouldn't be able to feed ourselves due to the wage drop. AS it stands DH works and commutes while I do all the house and kiddie stuff. It means that DH's careers has blossomed - I know if he had been tied into babycare and school pick ups he wouldn't be in the same position. I on the otherhand have put my career on hold to be with the kids. We both agreed this was for the best and have supported eachother. we are a team.

HoneyandHaycorns · 07/02/2012 22:28

In our situation, I am the main breadwinner - demanding professional job, good salary but fairly regular hours - if I need to finish stuff off, I can bring it home with me. DP works PT, less regular hours and lots of freelance work on top that requires him to travel at very short notice. It can be tricky occasionally, but we manage just fine. It would only be a problem if both jobs had that element of extreme unpredictability.

TheDodgerTheDodgerHesAtItAgain · 07/02/2012 22:28

Truckulent, when I met dh he was 17 and I was 18. I can promise you it wasn't the contents of his CV that I was interested in Grin.

StealthPolarBear · 07/02/2012 22:28

Dh recently.got a new job with a pay increase. I feel that when this job I'm doing (which involves travelling) finishes in summer I want.to get a local, more 9-5 job so that he will no longer have to worry about dropping off and picking up from childcare. So ill be enabling.him.to do this job and do it well, and with less stress.

Denj33 · 07/02/2012 22:28

shagobite, I agree with you.

lockets · 07/02/2012 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToothbrushThief · 07/02/2012 22:29

Some people prefer working at a busy rewarding job - some prefer being with children in the home.

I don't think there should be a merit system for either.

I do think all couples need to understand their own dynamics. Is the SAHP happy to be home alone and take on the bulk of the housework/childcare? Is the WOHP happy to miss out on the children growing up and the need to earn to support the whole family? Does one feel hard done by?

I don't personally get the 'enabling someone to have a good job' My boss is an on call consultant and his wife is a GP partner and they have two children. You don't need a SAHP. It makes life easier but employing cleaner/cook/childcare can also work.

It is about choice and lots of posters are expressing their pleasure in their choices here. I think other people have guilt/hang ups about their choice and thus label them as a necessity

TheSecondComing · 07/02/2012 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schmee · 07/02/2012 22:29

I've noticed that in RL because my DH works very hard and earns well, people seem to feel the need to comment on this, and to tell me how much they like having their partners around. It's almost as if they are trying to justify their partners lack of earning by telling me how great their lives are and how they couldn't possibly live mine.

I find this quite offensive and upsetting. My husband's job is part of who he is, and there isn't a flexi working alternative. I'd love to have him at home, but that isn't going to happen without changing him beyond recognition. I married him because I love him so i have to accept that this is our life.

Broadly speaking I love being at home with my children, so I am lucky that my DH's job allows this. There are also compensations to him being away some of the time.

HeadyEddie · 07/02/2012 22:29

" do men look for partners who will likely be SAHPs
Or do the women look for men who will be able to earn enough so they can be SAHMs"

Truck Neither of those are true for us, I don't think its as simple as that for most couples.

When we met I was training for and then went into a higher paying job than my DH. I was a career type woman, not homely at all. He worked very hard and got a series of good promotions and by the time my biological clock started its deafening ticktock we were equal in terms of pay. It was only then I realised that work wasn't making me happy so I became a SAHM and DH still works.

Voidka · 07/02/2012 22:31

My DH works long hours and travels alot.

For him I dont think its about the money - he likes working hard and the job he does. His Dad was exactly the same and for him I think its a pride thing.

aldiwhore · 07/02/2012 22:31

DH and I simply fell in love. Nerr. We were both working, I was working full time hours and doing a full time degree course.

Life happened. We rolled with it.

I have no issue with other people who are in families where both parents work full time, long hours, away from home a lot... they roll with it too.

sozzledchops · 07/02/2012 22:32

So Christmasplughole - do you get it yet that some people are quite happy with set up you describe, especially if it can enable a comfortable lifestyle?

grooveisintheheartahahahah · 07/02/2012 22:33

Trying to find a blanket 'reason' for why some people have one working parent and one SAH parent is as trite and ignorant as trying to 'work out' why people 'bother having children' when they both work.

Hope you don't mind me pointing out you ignorance, OP.

Denj33 · 07/02/2012 22:34

And don't need to justify why they need extra money or be asked if they wouldnt prefer to have DP at home with them. Everyone on here has a different reason to work or stay at home, it's not as black and white as you may think it is.

sunshineandbooks · 07/02/2012 22:35

I'd bloody love a SAH partner. As a single parent with a full time job, no family and 100% reliant on professional childcare, I can tell you that my earning potential would be incomparable to what it is now if I had a partner at home who I could rely on 100% to manage the children. He wouldn't necessarily have to SAH all the time - a part-time or even full-time job would work as long as his career was second to mine and he was the one always prepared to take a day off work to cover all those things that professional childcare usually can't, like illness. Trouble is, many employers don't really like people taking regular time off work for children, which is why SAHPs often end up giving up work entirely - precisely because they need that flexibility and the working partner needs the reliability.

The best working parent/SAH parent relationships work when both partners realise that they are each enabling the other to fulfil a role that suits them and their children as a family unit. That requires mutual understanding of the importance of the other's role. IME women generally tend to understand this better because most of them will have worked before stopping to become a SAHP, whereas many men have never experienced the SAH role and are not so clear on what it involves.

FWIW, I am quite happy with my life, my choices and my family set-up and am just using myself as an example to show how having a SAHP can make such a difference to the working parent's situation.

coraltoes · 07/02/2012 22:35

I travel lots wth work as does my DH, we both work long hours...but at slightly different ends of the day, so one does the nursery drop and the other does pickup and dinner and bath. We never clash work trips. We enjoy our jobs. We are high performers and ambitious. Why would I want to stop work to enable him to do his? Careers can be compatible in a relationship, and they can still accommodate children and child care hours.

The thought of putting my career on hold so DH could further his whilst I stayed home with dd makes my stomach churn. Id hate feeling so left behind and nothing like part of a "team"... But that's my own view and not a dig at anyone here. I'd feel booted out of the team.

lockets · 07/02/2012 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jcscot · 07/02/2012 22:35

My husband works very long hours and has long periods away from home. Right now, he's overseas and we haven't seen him since the end of Nov - although he will be home for 72hrs at the end of the month. His job does not have a "part time" option and there is no way on earth he would be able to do it if I were not at home. I could work but we both felt it was important for one parent to be at home and available to our children, especially when they are so small.

Yes, he earns good money and he works bloody hard in difficult and dangerous conditions - we are not extravagant and he could earn more if he went to other organisations in the private sector. You won't find me whinging as our life suits us and we make the best of our situation.

thirdfromleft · 07/02/2012 22:36

Because DHs come and go but handbags are forever.

seeker · 07/02/2012 22:38

Before children, dp qnd I both worked long hours and travelled in high powered sort of jobs. We agreed that we didn't wqnt our children brought up by anyone but one of us-so I gve up outside the home work. He has changed jobs so that he is home more, but he still works unpredictable hours- sometimes loads of hours a week away, sometimes working from home, sometimes short weeks. All at short notice. He can do that because someone else is looking after his children's day to day needs. If I was working outside th home, that person would be a nanny, or a housekeeper now they are older. I'm not, so it's me. which suits all of us. I happen to think my main job is important even though it doesn't bring in any money. And so does dp. He couldn't earn money if I wasn't doing my job. So technically we both earn the money we live on.