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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

390 replies

ChristmasPlughole · 07/02/2012 21:48

OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

OP posts:
sozzledchops · 07/02/2012 22:12

We fall into this category. Was hard at the beginning but I like it now that the kids are not babies. My husband also enjoys it though misses the kids, I think he'd hate to be stuck in the one office all the time but fortunately he loves his current job and though he has to travel he also works from home and can suit himself. For us it's the best of both, when he's around he takes the kids to school and their activities and we can lunch and have days out. But TBH, I also love having some time to myself so I don't mind when he's away, I can do what I want and hunt out all my favourite old movies and get the house in shape. Also the money is great, what do we do with it you ask? Er, save, pay off the mortgage fast, go nice holidays several times a year, indulge our hobbies, eat out often, spend when we like without having to think whether we have enough in the bank and hopefully will be able to help our kids in the future with education and things like deposit for their house and of course enjoy a long retirement.

suebfg · 07/02/2012 22:12

Many people change work after having children - of course it's a choice.

lockets · 07/02/2012 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeadyEddie · 07/02/2012 22:13

I see entirely the other way, I am not enabling DH to work long hours and travel abroad, he is enabling me to stay at home with my children which I love.

Because I'm at home in the week I can get all the boring stuff like supermarket shopping, cleaning and laundry done whilst he is working (well, when the DC allow it, they are 1year and 2 years) and that means that our weekends are just family time, no chores allowed.

But it doesn't matter if you get it or not, OP, as long as it works for the families that do it. It works for us, if we get to a point where is doesn't, for whatever reason, then we'll have a rethink and make changes.

Denj33 · 07/02/2012 22:14

grooveis, you are not being obtuse, it's just a strangely worded post :(

silverfrog · 07/02/2012 22:14

I don't enable dh to work long hours - he did that long before he met me.

I do enable him to work long hours and have a family (makes me sound like a brood mare or something Grin)

I am a sahp. I was always going to be one, while children were small etc etc. both dh and I wanted a parent at home - I wanted to be that parent at home (and it made a LOT more financial sense), dh loves his job. win-win.

he does work too much, and travel too much. I have moaned about it before - not about him not doing baths on a weeknight, but about him not pulling weight at weekneds/on holidays.

I have often said to him that afaiac, he could downsize the job, and the pay, and we could manage. he loves his work - somethign I have always known about him. and I cannot demand that he changes that now, imo. I have asked (due to circumstances beyond our control - dd1 is severely disabled) that he cuts down on travel, and when we were going through severe sleep issues with dd1, I did ask him to be home a lot earlier (7.30-8pm, rather than 10.30-11pm) as I needed a break from the wall to wall screaming (dd1 was 6, not a baby, btw).

but other than that, he would not be the same person if he quit the high flying job and got a 9-5. and so I am not sure that our mariage would be the same either.

HoneyandHaycorns · 07/02/2012 22:14

Denj, the question came from another thread, on which several posters claimed that their staying at home "enabled" their DP's to work long & irregular hours.

animula · 07/02/2012 22:14

Lack of choice, in this house, ChristmasPlughole.

When we started out with baby no. 1, I studied while doing (ft) childcare, with a view to us both working and sharing childcare part-time, equal stevens, and so on.

Well, that meant dh's career came first, really (not-earning v. earning a wage = wage-earner doens't take time-off and studying became increasingly hobby-like and employment ever-distant. Especially when you think we'd have had to pay to replace me looking after dc1. Me working began to look like an expensive self-indulgence.)

Roll on the years and dh is travelling and working veeeery long hours. Replacing me with childcare would be very, very expensive, and his work/wage has to come first. We've learned to rely on it.

I honestly do wish we'd chosen to make a conscious decision to take an alternative path. But we didn't.

CalmaLlamaDown · 07/02/2012 22:16

Trois - you forgot about the arguments over who is most deserving of a lie in at the weekends

grooveisintheheartahahahah · 07/02/2012 22:16

" I just didn't like the tone of the question "SAHP "enabling" their DP to work long hours?? "

You might not like this, but some fathers don't actually like the idea of putting their children into long childcare sessions so that they can go to work. And having a SAHM does enable them to work long hours without compromising on how their children are care for.

lockets · 07/02/2012 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 07/02/2012 22:17

I like my career and am ambitious. Dh feels the same. It's almost taboo to say that on mn. If one was ambitious and the other didn't want to work, maybe wed havemade different choices.

SensitivityChip · 07/02/2012 22:19

My DH works evenings, weekends, long, long hours because he is a hardworking, successful man building a business from which we will all benefit so we suck up the sacrifice and are proud of and grateful to him. I still work though so this probably isn't aimed at me.

TheSecondComing · 07/02/2012 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cunexttuesonline · 07/02/2012 22:20

I was going to say what honeyandhaycorns said - I really don't see how the SAHP is enabling the other one to work, travel etc. My DH works nightshifts, sometimes he travels and when I am working during the day, DS is in nursery.

Denj33 · 07/02/2012 22:20

Then surely this is something that is discussed beforehand and agreed so why then complain about the long hours and travel?

Everyone has a way that works best for their own individual circumstances, there's no debate regarding SAHMs or working mums, we all do what we feel is best for our DCs and our financial circumstances but for someone to ask "what could you need extra money for, wouldn't you rather DH be at home, etc etc is a shame IMHO.

animula · 07/02/2012 22:21

Totally agree with that post (22:19) by SecondComing.

HoneyandHaycorns · 07/02/2012 22:22

sensitivitychip, that was sort of my point above - it's possible for one partner to work long hours without the other parent being required to stay at home, so I don't really get the "enabling" argument.

Denj33 · 07/02/2012 22:23

That's what I did not get either

StealthPolarBear · 07/02/2012 22:23

Really? So of teachers work to rule they'd just hire a load more teachers? Without any impact on pay?

vess · 07/02/2012 22:23

My DH works long hours, commutes and travels occasionally, I'm a SAHM atm. Cutting hours is not an option for him, the hours are part of the job. He doesn't earn heaps of money, and is not paid extra for the overtime. It's just how things are. People don't always have a choice.

Truckulentagain · 07/02/2012 22:24

Every man I work with has a SAHW.

But I'm wondering do the men look for partners who will likely be SAHPs
Or do the women look for men who will be able to earn enough so they can be SAHMs.

Denj33 · 07/02/2012 22:25

Vess, but do you feel as if you "enable" him to work long hours?

aldiwhore · 07/02/2012 22:25

My DH is self-employed, contracts come in from all over the UK, his hours aren't regular, they cover weekends, evenings, nights, long times away from home etc etc etc., He cannot plan what work he'll get in.

He loves his career, its also his hobby and passion, and it pays well.

Yes I enable him to continue, he doesn't have to turn anything down because we don't have to worry about childcare. Yes I sacrficed a fair bit to get my life choice and to attain his (my employability).

He has no choice to cut his hours as you have to make hay when the sun shines.

There is no evening/weekend childcare in our area, so my jobsearch is limited. I would have returned to work sooner had I been able to be more flexible and there is work out there for me, and I still have ambitions and aspirations. I happily put them on hold to get these Golden Years, we're not rich but DH's career is getting more solid.

If I had worked full time we would probably have found a way around childcare, but it would have been at either the cost of a contract or a financial cost that would have left us worse off.

Our decision was made easier by the fact I lost my job when pregnant, it was a logical choice as well as one that I wanted.

When I return to work we'll face the same issues to a certain extent, but I feel that now the children are almost school age, its not just for financial reasons that I want to return to work, and we'll work round it. Though childcare will still be a bugger, and it may mean that DH will have to hestitate before accepting work, which will cost him more than the one job he turns down, but future work for that company too.

Clear as mud?

I don't feel the need to justify, but there are perfectly valid reasons for a SAHP to say they are enabling their OH to be successful.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 07/02/2012 22:25

Trois - Grin

Because they have debt that needs paying and can't afford the childcare for both to work on top of the bills they already have? So the one that is working needs to work as much as possible to get them out of the shite?