To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

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OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

Good friends of mine have exactly the lifestyle you describe. She gave up a successful career to have children. He is a high earner who wanted a job involving lots of worldwide travel. She is basically a single parent during the week but has no money worries, a nice home with cleaner and gardener, several expensive foreign holidays a year and a very secure financial future for herself and her children.

She wouldn't want to do without what they have so her husband could be around more. And he wouldn't want to be around more. They have both chosen this life for themselves and think it's worth it.

She actually does complain quite a lot about being alone but being quite a self-absorbed person it doesn't occur to her that she is lucky compared to many, and that she chose her life and could change it if she wanted.

Only boring people get bored I say to the DC's If I could be at home with no pre school children I could think of far better things to do with my time than decorate the house.

Heswall - I'm not bored and yes, I can think of far better things to do than decorate the house, too. But that's not the point. If one of us had to decorate the house (replace it with any other household chore you prefer), guess which one of us would have to do it!

Whatmeworry - I don't know who you know then, because everyone I know who is a SAHM now used to work. Some had careers, some had what they considered just a job.

I don't get this idea though that just because you are at home with young children that you will be there forever. I fully intend to return to the workplace in a few years time. I will need to retrain, and I'm looking at options and saving to pay for that training.

I work long hours and travel a lot because I like it more than I like spending a lot of time at home, and I enjoy being able to provide a nice lifestyle for all of us. Dh 'enables' it because he likes being at home with the dc more than he likes working. We both feel very lucky that I can learn quite a lot of money doing something I find hugely fulfilling and enjoyable. It's great. There's no problem.

I get bored without work. Happy to admit to 'being boring' if that cheers anyone up.

coraltoes - But nursery doesn't meant I don't want to care for my child.

I didn't mean to suggest that. I understand.

It doesn't mean I should not have had her just because I don't want to be a sahm.

In my mind it goes like this: if the only way for us to have a child is me becoming a sahm, I'm not doing it. If I can find a way around it, so I can also have some semblance of a fulfilling job and some financial independence, maybe. But it doesn't look straightforward with no family around and a husband who is out of the house 12-14 hours a day.

Whatmeworry- I used to work and all the SAHMs I know used to work too. I don't know anyone that just deicided to be a housewife.

Different people live different lives to you, have different priorities and make different choices

Whatmeworry - I don't know who you know then, because everyone I know who is a SAHM now used to work. Some had careers, some had what they considered just a job.

I think some have never worked, and some forget or put their needs first. You see them on MN too all the time, Troisgarcons satirised the archetype brilliantly upthread.

It is just another op heaving with stereotypes, triggered by another thread heaving with stereotypes.

My dh doesn't do long hours because I make him. His career required long hours. I know because mine did to for the 16 years I did it before I became a sahm.
I don't moan about my life. I love it. Not the choice I would have made but we do the best with what we get don't we?

Dh is at home with the dc as much as he can be. And the plus side is that he is 43 and we are thinking he can retire soon.

Forget what?

Actually I think trois got it wrong. The people I see moaning on MN are the ones whose DH works either long or odd hours, but then has a golf habit, or a pub habit, or a watching football with their mates habit. And the DW is left juggling all the family stuff, often working part-time herself to make ends meet, while the husband lives his life as he did while he was single. Very often the income isn't that high because the OP says it isn't affordable when people suggest a cleaner, or some childcare or whatever.

This describes my DH's and my relationship exactly. He has always worked in the industry he does - I knew that was the deal when I married him. I also used to work in that industry, so I understand the score and am supportive of the long hours and travel involved.

Sometimes it's a PITA. I don't really enjoy being a virtual single parent a lot of the time and when the kids are ill and I'm stuck at home with them while he's off in Mumbai or New York or Barcelona it's not a lot of fun. But that doesn't happen very often - fortunately - and the upside is immense. His job allows us to live a nice house in the town of our choice, we will be able to privately educate our kids, we can afford several holidays and weekends away a year, put away money to pay for our retirement and have the security of knowing that we should not be poor in our old age. We don't have to save up for things - we can buy them if we want or need them.

So IMO your OP is naive. Would I like him to be here to help with bath and bedtime? Sure. Would I like him to be home for dinner every night? Sure. But not if it meant him earning considerably less and not having the security that our savings offer. I like our lifestyle and I wouldn't trade it to have my DH home for a few extra hours a week.

DH works long hours and travels a lot, I stay at home, If I worked he would either loose his job because he couldn't do the hours or it would cost us in child care, which means we would be no better off.
DH drops my youngest son at school most mornings, and is mainly home just in time to put our youngest to to bed with me. Weekends he does the cooking. DH earns the money, I take care of the kids and home, We are a partnership, have been for 22 years. We get lots of time as a family too, our set up works for us.
I worked full time when my eldest 2 were younger and so did DH but he worked closer to home then , less hours and less money, so that worked for us back then.
Can't see why anyone else should have a problem with it, we are happy, I'm not some victorian down trodden little housewife. Why do people have to snear at SAHP? no ones elses buisness really.

I didn't find troigarcon's post funny either, for exactly those reasons, Alibaba.

My dh has just started a new job, which requires him to travel a lot and work v. long hours during the week. I enable this by being a SAHP because:

-The money he earns lets us to pay the mortgage, bills etc so enabling me to SAH til ds2 is in school (v. important to me).

-We are also able to save a bit for our future, esp. important cause I have a rubbish pension (obviously this would be better if I worked full-time but see above).

-He is significantly happier in his new job.

-He has increased job security.

• The new job is less of a dead end, meaning he may be able to get a job closer to home/with shorter hours in the future.

-He gets the weekends off

Its not always about money, you know!

I hate it when people say that looking after children is not a fulfilling job. Do you want your children looked after by people who feel like this?

When I had DD I worked in retail and DH earned about the same as me. Retail management requires ridiculous hours and I had reached the top of my earning capacity. DH had the opportunity to further his career, amount he earn t etc.

I chose to give up work and he worked longer hours, often away, so we would earn the same.

Seeker, was that meant for me?

I don't understand your second sentence. I'd imagine professional childminders, nannies, teachers etc. find it fulfilling, that's why they've chosen to do it for a career.

I find looking after my children fulfilling, otherwise I would of had them >

I'm not a SAHP, but I do work from home and pretty much run the household (with a lot of help. I'm not going to pretend I do it single handedly). I do all the school runs etc.

DH works longs hours and is often away for short stints.

Are we unhappy? No.
Sure, I wish sometimes that DH could be around more often and I'm sure he does too from time to time, but neither of us would swap it.

DH is ambitious and driven. He's singularly good at his job and that job involves long hours and travel. The positive is he loves his job, loves his colleagues and it pays him truckloads of moolah.
He would be unhappy doing a 9-5 job and I don't want him to be unhappy.

You won't find me on here whinging about our lot in life. We are absurdly fortunate. We've made it work for us and we've reaped the benefits.

*wouldn't of

It's not always a choice. Dh does not earn lots of money but does work long hours and travel a lot. I don't like the situation but dh positively hates it and is well on the way to burning out. He wants a new job but in this current climate that just isn't possible.

I think that the answer to the original question is actually - because most people don't consider how their career is going to fit around having children. And men probably consider it even less than women (I didn't want children when I was in my twenties, in fact, I hated the idea). So when you do have children and realise the full impact, then you are in a career that isn't ideal.

And, to be honest, society benefits from that, because we can't all be in child-friendly careers.

If you both want to continue your careers then (from what I have seen) you either:
have family nearby who can pick up the slack
have a ton of money to throw at any problems
have a ton of stress and hardly see each other because you spend all your holiday allowance on things like looking after sick children.

So it's hardly impossible to both have careers, but it can be very difficult and stressful. Some people would rather just have less strain on the whole family.

I worked and now volunteer with a childrens charity yes i do enjoy it but there is and was days when it isnt/ wasnt a walk in the park nursery workers/ nannies have a lot of responsibility for children and dont think its a fulfilling job all the time , and the wages are pretty rubbish too

And think about it. When your DC start telling you what areas of work interest them are you really going to curtail their dreams by saying they should only look at jobs that won't involve travel or long or unpredictable hours? Really?

I am 'enabling' my dh because I happen to think that what he does is important. He is a scientist, he doesn't earn megabucks (so 'lifestyle' isn't the reason) but is exceptionally good at what he does and, in order to do his job/maintain his level, he needs to travel a lot, both in the UK and abroad, seeing customers, academics and attending/speaking at conferences. His job is not just a job and I knew this when I married him (he was doing his PhD when we met) and we discussed it before having children. When he's here, his hours are flexible and his children see a lot of him.

I enjoyed my career and miss it, but there are others equally qualified and as good as I was to do my job. Not so, in the case of dh.

Am a doormat or lesser being for not insisting that he give up the career that he loves because I don't like the hours? Not if the results leave us all unhappy .

OP, YABU if you think, because it wouldn't do for you, that you have a right to judge those of us for whom it does.