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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

390 replies

ChristmasPlughole · 07/02/2012 21:48

OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 08/02/2012 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 08/02/2012 09:01

Both my DH and I work flexible hours, in the fields we love, mainly at home. We don't have 'extra' money, not by a long shot. I suppose someone could point fingers and say that I should have made a different career choice in order to 'advance the cause of women generally' (ahem, sounds familiar!)...or that DH should be working harder so that our kids can have the best of everything and go on expensive holidays...or that I should not be working at all so that I can give the baby my undivided attention 24/7...or some other nonsense.

But really, our choices are no one else's damn business. It is working out very well for us, thanks. I don't think that means everyone else should do the same thing, though.

Heswall · 08/02/2012 09:01

Only boring people get bored I say to the DC's If I could be at home with no pre school children I could think of far better things to do with my time than decorate the house.

mrsjay · 08/02/2012 09:02

I dont really understand what you mean , a job is a job and people need to work , My dh works shifts and has a mental rota ,im sure these people dont have pots of money you are talking about , their partners are just doing their jobs , these people are not single parents while their partners work thats a really patronising thing to say a person who isnt a single parent really cant say that imo , you seem quite needy and have to have your husband with you all the time, I know working couples who never see each other as they work different shifts to fit in with familiy life ,

Whatmeworry · 08/02/2012 09:05

I work mainly with men, most have SAH partners, I think quite a few wish their wives would do some work rather than put all the income pressure on them.

I do think some women don't really get how work "works" iyswim - they want their DH's to earn good money and also have the 9-5 flexible job, but getting both is very rare, especially in current conditions.

seeker · 08/02/2012 09:06

"I do think some women don't really get how work "works" iyswim"

Ah, bless their pretty little fluffy heads........

mrsjay · 08/02/2012 09:07

you know as a sahp I have a medical condition so working and children didnt mix well so I chose to stay home anyhoo , some people work to survive i know we didnt have expensive holidays when kids were small

coraltoes · 08/02/2012 09:10

Destroyed. We are in the same boat with regards to family. None around for us. But nursery doesn't meant I don't want to care for my child. I have had a year at home on maternity leave, loving, nurturing and enjoying her. She has reached the stage where I am not enough, she needs other kids and entertaining a lot! Nursery gives her that outlet and when I pick her up in the pm we have a play, dinner, cuddles and books, bath etc. weekends are quality time with her. It doesn't mean I should not have had her just because I don't want to be a sahm. Is that what you were suggesting?

Gunznroses · 08/02/2012 09:10

schmee 100% with you.

Very ignorant OP! Why dont you try find out about peoples lives first (of course you never will as its none of your business!) before you start judging and posting rubbish "enabling tneir partners" shite. That way you will:

Stop generalising
get of your high sanctimonious horse!
And stick your NOSE firmly in your own business.

coraltoes · 08/02/2012 09:12

Seeker.
Live in nanny, 25k plus a car at her disposal is just one I know of. Not bad earning 25k with no living expenses!

aldiwhore · 08/02/2012 09:13

I have to be honest, apart from WANTING to be a SAHP when I fell pregnant, had I had the career I wanted at the time, I wouldn't have given it up quite so readily, for all the reasons that full time working parent have given.

But I lost my job. It wasn't a great job. My choice was easy.

I am also a great believer that its never too late to be successful, my parents are testement to that. Me being a SAHP in temporary (though 8 years may not seem it!) I don't intend to ever be a 'homemaker', its not my bag. I have loved being a SAHP but it ws never a forever decision.

seeker · 08/02/2012 09:14

Interested to know how many nannies get that- or more to the point, how many pqrnts can afford to pay that!

shagmundfreud · 08/02/2012 09:22

DH doesn't get back until 7 or 8 at night, and he's out from 7am.

I'd love him to be at home earlier and to leave later, but he's an IT manager with a big team and just can't get the time off. It'd be great if he could go part time, but I think some types of jobs are difficult to do if you're not on site all the time.

One of the biggest advantages of him going part-time and me working more hours than I do at present would mean we wouldn't lose our child benefit at the end of the year. But it ain't going to happen. Sad

In the meantime I work evenings and weekends, as this is the only work I can find that fits in with the children's needs. (not complaining - I love my work and it's well-paid. Just wish I saw a bit more of DH!)

OP - if people had TRUE flexibility at work in all jobs then your OP would be sensible. But they don't, so it's merely a bit of a pointless rant.

DizzyDizzyDinosaur · 08/02/2012 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTittleMouse · 08/02/2012 09:33

don't get how work "works"

Hahahahahahahahaha! Because I didn't have exactly the same career as DH for 11 years.... Hmm

I imagine that the percentage of SAHMs who left school, married immediately and became a "housewife" before they had children would be vanishingly small nowadays. This isn't the 1950s. Most SAHMs on MN have had a job before they had children, and a large proportion of those have had a career. But of course, we have no idea of the world of work.

Whatmeworry · 08/02/2012 09:41

I imagine that the percentage of SAHMs who left school, married immediately and became a "housewife" before they had children would be vanishingly small nowadays. This isn't the 1950s. Most SAHMs on MN have had a job before they had children, and a large proportion of those have had a career. But of course, we have no idea of the world of work.

You'd be surprised. I certainly was.

Heswall · 08/02/2012 09:46

Our nanny - live out got £21,000 gross and a bus pass

letsblowthistacostand · 08/02/2012 09:46

DH has an interesting job that he enjoys. He does work long hours and he travels. If he had a less complex job, he wouldn't be as happy, and that would effect us more as a family than the fact that he doesn't get home before the DC are in bed most nights. I'll get a job when both DC are in full-time school but it won't mean that DH will scale back his hours.

thebestisyettocome · 08/02/2012 09:53

What sort of fantasy world do some people live in?
Many people have no choice other than to work long hours because they do complex, demanding, important jobs. I'm sure many A&E doctors, lawyers, ceos would LOVE to work fewer hours but the nature of their work doesn't allow it.

Nesbo · 08/02/2012 10:00

Letsblowthis - how does he feel about missing out on so much time with the kids, is he ok with it or is it a source of worry for him?

thevetswife · 08/02/2012 10:09

My DH has always worked long hours. Not much travel involved but at least two nights a week of being on call and on call every other weekend.

I've always known this to be the case. Funnily enough everyone wants a vets appointment after they have finished work so surgeries run until 7pm usually. He leaves the house at 7.30 and is rarely home before 8 at night.

I've worked part time since having DCs. Not in any way to enable him to work long hours or earn a lot of money. You'll no doubt be shocked that we're in no danger of losing child benefit despite his 20 year career. I just went part time because it suited our family arrangements better. I'd love to be eating before 8.30-9 and I'd love two weekends off together but it ain't going to happen before retirement.

I found the OP quite patronising.

letsblowthistacostand · 08/02/2012 10:12

Nesbo it is a source of worry esp when he has to travel. But we make the most of the time we do all have together, weekends and the odd day he gets home before 7pm. It'll get easier as the children get older and don't need to go to bed so early.

What would be the alternative? Any job is going to cut into your family life. A lower paid job could be worse, evenshift work, working weekends, fewer holidayswhen DH has finished a project he can often take a day off to make up for having worked 1 million hours in the previous month. It works for us, and that's the bottom line.

ScratchingMyCratchit · 08/02/2012 10:13

I'm the one in our relationship that does the long hours and often won't see DD due to work, while DP is a SAHP.

Because of the type of work I do, I have to travel a fair distance to work (2 hours each way) and I often have to work long hours, or attend events etc in the evening.

I could do a job that required less hours, but I would be bored and miserable, and it would mean less money, so DP would have to get a job, and DD would end up having to be in full time nursery (And the salary the DP could earn wouldn't cover the nursery costs, so we'd actually be a lot worse off)

I hate that I don't get to see DD every day, and watch her grow up, and even worse when I get texts from DP saying that DD woke up crying for me and he had to explain that I wouldn't be home for a few days. But there really is no other choice as I see it.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 08/02/2012 10:13

My dh did work long hours and spent most of his weekend on call when he was building his career and I did give up my work to look after the kids as we had 3 in quick succession. He sacrificed time with us then but now he is in a position to work from home one day a week, he has generous holiday provision and was able to take time off when I had pneumonia last autumn.

I 'enabled' him to work the long hours - the balance is being redressed now and I will gradually get into paid work again as the children are older. I have been bored and frustrated at times so has dh at work, such is life but we are very fortunate and I would not change this it worked for us.

I am not going to pretend I wanted to stay at work it is the opportunity I was able to take as dh earned enough, if he had not I would have stayed at work and probably only had one child. I am glad that I did not have to, but 'choice' is down to eocnomics. I still see myself as a feminist despite my lack of current financial independence and I don't think they are mutually exclusive.

mrsjay · 08/02/2012 10:15

I have to agree with seeker bless their fluffy heads Grin not all women are privilaged like that some choose or have no optiont o be a sahp doesnt mean they dont know how work works although i suspect the Op doesnt , most sahp do know the deal of a partner working and earning and not having a 9/5 job ,

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