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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting pissed off with patronising people re returning to work full time

104 replies

nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 18:47

I was thinking about posting this thread the other day but got reminded by the one about the HV being all judgy abbout someone going back to work.

Basically, I earn about twice as much as my DH, so it makes sense for me to return to work full time after about 9 months off. Apart from that, he does all the cooking and therefore it is easier for him to do the shopping as well, so it makes sense in a few different ways. DH will go part time when I go back after xmas, so we will have our first xmas at home, all of us together. It seems right to go back to work then.

The thing that is bugging me is, a lot of the time when I mention this to anyone at work, they say something along the lines of, "Oh well, see how you feel when the time comes", or once there was the classic "But won't you find it hard leaving the baby with someone else, you're his mum!" even though he'll be with his dad!

It's just annoying, I don't believe that women are more cut out for child rearing than men, it's just the way society has been organised in the past. The way people are so patronising, suggesting that I will feel differently when the baby's here and I will want to stay home or at least work part time. Someone said maybe I would resent my DH getting to spend time with the DC while I'm at work, but I don't believe that just because I'm a woman I have the right to take that role if it is to the detriment of the family. Why wouldn't my Dh resent me if I was the one at home all day? I just get really frustrated with people's old fashioned ideas of what women and men should do, or what they will automatically want to do.

That turned into a bit of a rant, sorry! It is really getting wearing, people always assuming that I'll go part time, and seeming shocked when they find out different. I thought we'd all moved on!

OP posts:
charitygirl · 07/02/2012 18:51

Totally agree, just give them a patronising smile right back.

renaldo · 07/02/2012 18:52

Have you had the baby yet?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2012 18:52

You are right up to a point. But, DH did get a bit wistful and sad to not spend more time with DD and I had not got any idea how I would feel about DD before she was here. That is just true because it is so odd how you feel about your child. They are part of you in a way that a DH or DM isn't. I'm not saying that you shouldn't plan to return to work or that you DH won't make a great SAHD just that people may not be trying to grind you under the heel of the patriarchal hegemony patronise you. They may just be communicating their experience.

OriginalJamie · 07/02/2012 18:53

YANBU. Sounds like a great arrangement

Backtobedlam · 07/02/2012 18:54

There's nothing wrong with having plans but generally I think people are being kind when they say see how you feel after baby is born rather than having a dig. I always wanted to be a SAHM but lots of people said the same to me and not to hand my notice in. I waited until baby was born and did still want to be a SAHM, but it never hurts to keep your options open as some people do change their minds.

TheParanoidAndroid · 07/02/2012 18:54

Er, but you might feel differently, that stands to reason. Lots of decisions made in the abstract change when the reality occurs. And you will probably find it quite hard to start back and leave the baby, surely this is fairly obvious as well?

I think its called small talk. I'm sure no-one else really cares.

bumbleymummy · 07/02/2012 18:55

They probably don't mean to be annoying. IME most people's attitude to returning to work DOES actually change when the baby comes along but that's not to say that yours definitely will. They're probably just making conversation or perhaps introducing the idea of PT work to you so you know that it's available or something...

charitygirl · 07/02/2012 18:55

Oh, also agree that people are prob not trying to be patronising/Twatty. But it's still irritating.

PenguinArmy · 07/02/2012 18:55

With DD, I went back at 4 months with DH the SAHD. My colleagues that were the same level as me were all male with SAHMs. I pulled them up on every single comment except the ones from his family.

Missbabyheaversham · 07/02/2012 18:57

I had this all the time when I went back to work ft after both of mine. It is bullshit. Of course going back is hard at first as unless you have the emotional capability of a sea sponge, you will miss your baby. However you'll get over it and life will carry on.

I wish my DH would go part time!! With that you are very lucky!!

LaurieFairyCake · 07/02/2012 18:58

I think your families way of doing it is great Smile

However, I know anecdotally that some people (women more than men - only in my experience) can find it incredibly hard to go back to work full time.

I honestly think that until you're living with a child it is really hard to know how you'll feel - I could never have predicted that I would worry about biologically unrelated foster dd as much as I do as I may be the least maternal person I know.

Proudnscary · 07/02/2012 19:00

Oh tell him to feck off.

I went back to work at 4 months and 6 months respectively.

All good, everyone happy.

The End.

Proudnscary · 07/02/2012 19:01

Them not him, whoever him is

TheSkiingGardener · 07/02/2012 19:01

People are reacting from their perspectives, which are going to be predominantly around the societal norm. At the moment that's still SAHM rather than SAHD. Just brush them off with a mild response.

I know a few SAHDs. It suits them and their family. I can also say from experience that it's best to keep your options as open as you can as the hormones when the baby comes along (for both parents) can have all sorts of unexpected effects.

Denj33 · 07/02/2012 19:03

Me too, back full time after 12 wks with DD(14 now )
DS1 (13) and DS2(8)

All happy, no problems, enough said :)

Original poster
nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 19:07

I accept that going back might be hard, but we need me to becasue of the wages! It just doesn't make sense for me to go part time, I ear, twice as much as he does. That's what's annoying, even when I explain that, people still say, oh well, see how you feel. FGS, it doesn't matter how I may feel at the time, it has to be this way anyway! It would cost us too much for me to indulge myself even if i want to stay at home, and I have to think of what's best for us as a family, which is paying the mortgage and having enough left over to live comfortably.

To answer the question, no, baby isn't here yet. And I'm sure that most people don't care one way or another, but I wish they wouldn't be so unthinkingly sexist anyway!

OP posts:
enjoyingscience · 07/02/2012 19:08

Smile back and swear internally. I got this a lot too, mainly from my boss, and it was meant in a kind way.

My situation is very similar to yours, and people were genuinely surprised when I came back FT, even though I had told them that was exactly what I was going to do all the way through my pregnancy. Sigh.

Original poster
nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 19:08

earn, not ear!

OP posts:
runningwilde · 07/02/2012 19:10

Two questions: have you had the baby? Is this your first baby?

If you haven't had baby and it is your first, you have absolutely NO idea how you will feel so people ate not wrong to say that. I can understand why you are going back to work but you mY well feel differently once your baby arrives. It is good you are having at least nine months with your baby though as mum really is the one who matters to baby, especially if you plan to breastfeed.

Good luck and just see how you feel.

TheParanoidAndroid · 07/02/2012 19:11

I don't see how its sexist really, not from what you've said. Has anyone said "god no, you can't go to work, your DH must", or are you just inferring this from comments such as the ones you posted? Someone said you might resent that your DH gets more time with the baby...you might, same as you might if you had a nanny, or if your mother looked after it.

It isn't sexist to suggest that mothers often prefer to spend time with their babies to almost anything else, including work. Its just a fact, for many.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 07/02/2012 19:12

The thing is the people you work with do sort of need to be thinking ahead of the possibility that you COULD change your mind because to be honest most people do I work with do change their mind, and it's usually the ones that are most adament throughout pregnancy that they will go back FT!

They're just not counting their chickens yet, and that is sensible.

TheDetective · 07/02/2012 19:14

I'll be doing what you are doing Nightowl. I earn three times DP's wage (4.5x his basic wage!). He is contracted 19 1/2 hours on 3 set days. He does extra hours as he can get them - most weeks he averages 30-36 hours, but these are not guaranteed hours and change week to week.

I'm not pregnant yet, but TTC, and already have a DS of 9. I plan to take 2 weeks holiday, then start ML@ 40 weeks, then take 6 months ML followed by 5-6 weeks AL (we get 7 weeks a year). DP is then going to take 3 months paternity leave. If we can, he is going to take the PL when I take my AL so we can have a good month if not longer off together!

In our relationship it makes much more sense for DP to just stick to his 3 set days, and for me to work FT. I don't particularly want to, but its what we must do to afford to live! If anyone has anything to say on the matter - which I very much doubt they will, then they will get told to fuck right off. Unless its my mother Blush

DP is much younger than me, but much more responsible! I'm sure he will be an excellent carer for our child! I have no concerns with our situation. In an ideal world we would all do what we want to do, but for most people, they do what they have to do.

Plus DP is an awesome cook, and I'm looking forward to coming home to an evening meal every day Grin

runningwilde · 07/02/2012 19:14

By the way, of course women are more geared to child rearing in the early months - it's not sexist or anything about organisation, it is biological especially as a woman is the one who has the baby inside her, growing, then gives birth. Why try to deny that there is a biological need to look after your baby?!

Original poster
nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 19:15

Runningwilde, it makes no difference if I feel differently, I will have to go back full time regardless. As I said upthread, I don't believe that I have the right to stay home if it is wrong for the family. Why should I be the one to decide I will stay home if DH wants to do it, just because i am a woman? Obviously the early months are a bit different, with breastfeeding etc. But long term we will decide as a family what is best, and I have a responsibility work and provide enough income to get a mortgage.

OP posts:
TheParanoidAndroid · 07/02/2012 19:17

I think this is more about your own issues than any small talk people have made to you, because you are reading a huge amount into throwaway comments.

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