to be getting pissed off with patronising people re returning to work full time

[nightowlmostly]

I was thinking about posting this thread the other day but got reminded by the one about the HV being all judgy abbout someone going back to work.

Basically, I earn about twice as much as my DH, so it makes sense for me to return to work full time after about 9 months off. Apart from that, he does all the cooking and therefore it is easier for him to do the shopping as well, so it makes sense in a few different ways. DH will go part time when I go back after xmas, so we will have our first xmas at home, all of us together. It seems right to go back to work then.

The thing that is bugging me is, a lot of the time when I mention this to anyone at work, they say something along the lines of, "Oh well, see how you feel when the time comes", or once there was the classic "But won't you find it hard leaving the baby with someone else, you're his mum!" even though he'll be with his dad!

It's just annoying, I don't believe that women are more cut out for child rearing than men, it's just the way society has been organised in the past. The way people are so patronising, suggesting that I will feel differently when the baby's here and I will want to stay home or at least work part time. Someone said maybe I would resent my DH getting to spend time with the DC while I'm at work, but I don't believe that just because I'm a woman I have the right to take that role if it is to the detriment of the family. Why wouldn't my Dh resent me if I was the one at home all day? I just get really frustrated with people's old fashioned ideas of what women and men should do, or what they will automatically want to do.

That turned into a bit of a rant, sorry! It is really getting wearing, people always assuming that I'll go part time, and seeming shocked when they find out different. I thought we'd all moved on!

DH and I do exactly this and have done for since DD1 was born 6 years ago. I'm currently on maternity leave after having DS2 (now 5 months). We also have another DS who is 4. I agree it is sexist. Of course it is hard to go back to work, of course if money were no object we might do things differently etc etc, but the OP is correct if there is no choice your feelings do not come into it, you just have to live with it. I got soooo annoyed first time around because people kept telling me I might not like it. I HAD NO CHOICE!!!! so learned to make the best of it.

DH is a great dad and houseperson and I couldn't do my job without knowing our DC where in his excellent care, without his support doing the monotonous household chores and keeping our family going etc etc. but financially this arrangement is the only one that works for us as my job is more secure, I earn more, have better prospects etc etc. We each play to our strenghts for the good of our family

Either way, Reduce, the OP is still going to be working. FFS I went back when DS was 7 months and he seems perfectly normal. Of course it's sexist - most people assume the dad is going to go back and wouldn't dream of asking him if he would return to work full time.

And lukewarm - looking after a baby who is nearly a year old is really not that hard. I don't hear many posters on here saying that a woman who is a SAHM to one baby should put her feet up and expect dinner on the table when her DH walks through the door

It sounds a great plan to me, and if you want to / have to go back to work, leaving the baby with the other parent is the ideal solution. I went back to work when my dc were 4 or 5 months old, My DH and I each worked 1 day a week from home and we had a nanny the rest of the time.

You may feel a wrench, you may feel you can't wait to get back to work - everyone is a know-all about other people's feelings .

I had "no choice" financially but to be a SAHM at one point, DH earnt more and had more prospects. But it didn't work for us like it did on paper, so we moved, DH changed job, I got a different job, you can't say 100% what will work till the time comes.

And yes mothers who SAH do expect their partner to pick up the slack if it was a hard day, I don't think it matters who is at home I think that still applies.

And I still don't think that its sexist to think its usually mothers who stay for the first year when men can't lactate!

Pattimayor - depends what kind of day they've had surely?

(was meant as a lighthearted comment anyway )

I do think the OPs plan does sound like the right one! on paper! but there's still so many unknowns when it comes to babies that to say 100% that is exactly what we will do isn't the best way to go at it at this point, and its not UR for colleagues to take a wait and see approach, when they've prob heard it ALLL before then had a PT request at the last min

You come up against this sort of thing whether you return to work full time, part time or you become a stay at home Mum.

Nod and smile, nod and smile.

You really need to develop a thicker skin, this is the first of many of your parenting choices that well meaning people will feel the need to give you unasked for advice on. If you get worked up about it, you'll drive yourself nuts. You don't need to justify your choices to anyone else and will feel much better if you just let this stuff wash over you.

I'm with you Op - YANBU! I also agree it is sexist as no-one says a word or makes this kind of small talk to my DH.

Like you've pointed out, you can only do what's right for you & your family & ignore everyone else. People will always judge but I generally put it down to unhappiness in their own lives & just ignore!

Enjoy your pregnancy & ignore as best you can

nightowl I am just going to reiterate even though it's annoying you....you really don't know how you're going to feel. You also don't know what kind of baby you're going to have. And no, it's not just the first few months where your baby is dependent on their mother. Mother/father are not necessarily interchangeable with babies. To give my example, DD would not take the bottle until 9 months, at 10mo she still wakes several times a night, and ma-hoo-sive separation anxiety kicked in at 9 months where she would be hysterical in DH's arms even if I was two steps away from her. To think I considered taking a full-on job offered when she was 5 months old! I think I would have jumped off the balcony by now if I had. I know you say you must return to work but let's face it, there are always things that can be done, downsizing etc, if you DO change your mind and decide that you need to be at home more.

I went back to work with dd2 and my DH stayed at home from about six months. I did find it very very difficult to go to work, I felt an almost visceral distress at being parted from her, especially after breastfeeding (I stopped around then). I did not skip off happy that she was with her dad, I felt it was the least worst option given I couldn't be with her, but I did feel very much that I should have been with her.

Not rational, but hormones and other feelings come into play very strongly. Didn't make any difference to what I had to do (work) but I didn't enjoy it.

same for us, DH works from home part time, I make almost all of our money. We live abroad, maternity leave is 14 weeks, I will go back after that. I don't have a choice, I cannot change my mind even if I want to and if I feel really different. We will still need to pay the mortgage and you know, eat?

And when we happen to mention what our plan is, people laugh like this is the funniest most absurd thing. A SAHD? Don't be silly..

If I were you I would just moderate your patter to something like 'We haven't worked it all out yet, it's lovely to have all that maternity leave to work out what is best for us to do long term'. If you set up a fixed target, someone will aim at it.

Thing is, I think aged parents just like to piss on chips flag up the realities ahead for new parents, because even if this isn't the thing you eat your words compromise about, there will be something (or, in my case, several things!)

Best of luck with the pg. Oh, and as a SAHM I agree the worked has to swoop in and rescue home-based parent from the chaos often!

worker not worked

Sexism kind of works both ways on this. Realistically, it's not about who is biologically most able to mind a child.

In many ways, it's felt by many to be a tremendous privilege that in this country, at this point in time, p/t working exists as a viable option for many families. I come from Ireland where very few peope have this option and it's expected that both partners will return to work f/t, and this is a lot better than, say, America, where both partners would return within weeks of the birth.

Dh would love to be able to access p/t working and to share this role with me, and he's not alone in really desiring that, but we both know that because of how society views gender roles, it would possibly disproportionately affect his career if we shared equally. I think he really mourns not being able to share, that we can't both do a four day week, that he never has the nice days at home that balance wor and life.

So no, he will never be told to "wait and see" or get sympathetic looks for having to work f/t, but it can be a burden in reality. My boss is the main breadwinner in her house, and is about to potentially lose her job. It's not all hunky dory to be the f/t partner and I think a lot of couples, if they could make things "all equal" (financially/careerwise/domestically) would choose to have more free time. I feel sorry for any parent of a young child having to work f/t unless they have substantial family and/or nanny support. It's exhausting (I did 3 months of it). Feck all this, "oh being at home with the kids is so tiring" malarkey, yes it is and being p/t has it's disadvantages in feeling pulled from pillar to post and loss of income and opportunity yada yada, but it is also the only way I find that I have a work/life balance that suits me. This is not because I am "biologically more suited to childcare", it's because I want to spend time with my son and I want to work and f/t at either doesn't give me what I want from my life.

I may very well have to go f/t in a year as dh's job is not secure and it's easier for me to gain employment. I won't be one bit happy about it though. Not because I think I am better at being with my son than my dh would be, he would be every bit as good but because I would miss easy weekdays hanging out with my son like crazy. This is despite the fact that I am very career driven and good at my job and I would need the money.

Perhaps people just feel sorry you don't get the best of both worlds. I think many men are sorry they don't too...

Oh God, YANBU. We did the same, except that I went back after 6 months and DH gave up work altogether (no scope for part-time, and he really wanted to be home with DS). I never had a moment's doubt about whether I was doing the right thing, which is just as well because I was the main earner, so if I hadn't gone back full-time we wouldn't have a roof over our heads!

It wasn't easy - I breastfed and DS turned out to be a bottle refuser, so DH and DS had a horrible time for two or three weeks when I first went back. But DS adjusted, DH coped and now DS only wants DH: I'll do, most of the time, but if he's ill or teething he wants his dad.

Nightowl I can empathise. My dd is 9mo and I'm about to go back to work ft, like you it is a financial necessity. I got the 'wait to see how you feel' speech at work, which royally pissed me off, because I was aware then, and am more aware now, that it will be totally bloody awful to have to go back to work. But it does not change the fact that I'm our family's main earner and I need to work to support our family. Dp has a chronic illness and is self-employed, so his wages are unreliable, and even on a good month not enough to live on.

I do agree that there is an amazing change when you have a baby (or there was for me). Although I was always sure I would love my baby very much I was surprised and the strength of my feelings, and how they eclipse everything else in my life. And going back at 9 months may not be as easy as you imagine, my dd eats solids, but still gets most of her calories from bm, feeds 3-4 times a day and still won't take a bottle of ebm. She has seperation anxiety and screams if go to the other side of the room. Doing anything to distress her almost hurts me in a physical way.

This does not change the fact that I have to go back to work.

YANBU I returned to work ft when DD was 8 mo and one month on people still fine it acceptable to comment on the decisions that we've made. When people comment, I tend to invite them to pay my mortgage! As the main earner I too don't have a choice.

but how many times do I have to say, it doesn't matter how I will feel about it at the time...but have you given any thought about how you might feel? It actually does matter how you will feel...

The pull to stay with a new baby and not parted from them can be completely illogical and unexplainable, perhaps this is what people mean when they say 'see how you feel'. Either that or they have seen a good few women who swore they were going back to work because they had to, rearrange their lives so that they didn't have to so much...

Sorry, lukewarm, didn't realise. Have a right back

PhyllisDiller - a 9 month old is not a 'new baby'.

FWIW I went back when DS was 7 months. It was fine. I was glad to go back, I like working, and I'm a single parent so there wasn't a lot of option. But actually if you need to go back for financial reasons, there is no point in spending ages in thinking about how you feel about it. It's the reality of the situation, how you feel is neither here nor there really

I agree that it is annoying and sexist, so think YANBU. It isn't just harmless small talk either because the 'lets wait and see if she comes back after all' attitude may very well mean that a woman is passed over for interesting projects etc while on leave (even though she would be back when the project starts).

However, Working9 is right, the sexism also works in the other direction and why men don't do more to get proper paternity rights I'll never understand (but that is another thread).

Congratulations on earning twice what DH does!
In my humble opinion a good mum is one who does what it right for the whole family, and that can involve a lot of sacrifice. It sounds like your plan has the good of the whole family at its heart.

I went back to work FT (although, sadly, earning less than my DH!). It made me happy and the kids are just fine (more than that really!).
Don't let the people who don't understand upset you. Each to their own!

More than anything good luck!

YANBU

I got that a LOT when I returned to work when DD was 5.5 months old. Shock that I was going back so soon, and then was always asked if I was coming back part time, and always phrased along the lines of, "gosh, so soon! Part time though?"

Nope. It annoyed me that people made assumptions that of course I would have a year off and that of course I would come back part time, but I've grown a thicker skin now.

It works great for us - I am happy and fulfilled at work, have adjusted hours so am always home for a hour's play then dinner, bath and bedtime (then work at home in evenings) and DH loves being part time SAHD and working part time.

While it is still annoying that people feel they have the right to comment, make assumptions, or get judgy, I now couldnt give a flying fuck what anyone thinks as our set up works for us.

YANBU - DH and I did this with our son - I am a freelancer so would work from home, then temp in an office for a few months, wihle he looked after DS and worked weekend nights. Now I am pregnant with DC2 he is working full time and I am not working at all till the baby gets here, but then we will see what happens - if I get chance to do some good work, we will have DH at home again. I totally understand you getting frustrated at the "see how you feel" thing because I have more earning potential. I KNOW how I will feel, and that will be very sad to have to leave the baby, but relieved his dad is such a good one, and resigned to the fact that I earn more so we have little choice!
I personally don't think babies care whether they are with their mum or their dad, breast feeding aside. As long as they are with a familiar , comforting cuddle-and-milk provider who they know loves them, they are happy as can be.
Remember though, that in late pregnancy, people are FAR MORE ANNOYING to you than they usually would be... I speak as a 37 week pregnant grouch myself.

I am in awe of those of you who are going back f/t as it benefits the family financially.

I am the main breadwinner but after DC2 I want to return p/t. I know on paper it would make sense for me to stay f/t and DH to be SAHD or p/t but I just don't think I could cope with it.

After reading some of these posts though I may have to rethink. Maybe I am selfish.